When life goes on, without children

Why not adopt? because not everyone wants someone else's child despite the romanticism of adopting and giving a child a loving home. There may be less "children who need a loving home" if some "parents" close their legs, take contraceptive pills, wear condoms only to abandon the child who comes from a union.

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Why not adopt? because not everyone wants someone else's child despite the romanticism of adopting and giving a child a loving home. There may be less "children who need a loving home" if some "parents" close their legs, take contraceptive pills, wear condomsso that they won't have a child who comes from a union to abandon.

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I came from a family where my two sisters were adopted (they are biological sisters), and my husband was essentially adopted - he didn't find out until adulthood that the man who raised him was not his biological father. My mother was adopted by her mother's second husband, and there are other cases of adoption in both of our extended families.

While I absolutely support and admire those who do adopt, I don't know that I could do it. First, not everyone would qualify for adoption. Second, you just don't know what you are getting when you adopt. There are lots of parents who do great with kids with special needs,but I don't know if I could handle it, especially if it was not a biological child.

And for some, if they cannot have their own biological child, if they cannot get pregnant, carry the child, and give birth, it is just not something they want to do.

I would have been devastated if I'd been unable to carry children and give birth, although now that if I have 3 if I'm unable to have more I think I'll be accepting. I don't know what I would have done if I'd been in that situation, but my husband and I have talked about it, and we just don't believe WE could adopt. That is not to knock adoption at all, but it's just not something we could do. To encourage people to adopt who don't feel it is right for them might make a situation even worse.

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I am all for people choosing not to have children. It is a personal choice and a completely valid one. Adoption is definitely not for everyone. My husband and I, after much consideration, ultimately decided that our goal was parenthood, not reproduction. So when we were unable to conceive on our own, we moved on to a domestic adoption program (yes, they exist and no, you don't have to go through foster care or a private agency). We are now the proud parents of twin boys.

I don't mean to be offensive, but I am really tired of hearing the "you don't know what you're getting" argument with respect to adoption. Unless you have access to some kind of technology the rest of us don't know about, you don't actually know what you're getting when you have a biological child either.

And finally, I would be very interested to learn on what grounds a couple doesn't qualify for adoption. Depending on the answer, it would make me a little leery about them having a biological child.

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While there are a lot of people who struggle with infertility adoption may not be an option for all of them. They may not qualify to adopt a child or have the money to adopt. While some see it as selfish some people simply want a child they created, they want to go through the experience of pregnancy and birth.

I watched a teacher I was close with struggle trying to adopt him and his wife were turned away even after offering to adopt a special needs child. He and his wife were wonderful people, I know most of the kids who had him as a teacher loved him. Not only because he was a great teacher but because he genuinly cared about everyone in that school (it was a relatively small school).
They were turned down because his wife battled cancer, at the time she had been in remission for over 6 years. She still shows no signs of cancer and it has been nearly 20 years since she was last treated. They were also turned down because they were "to old", even because of thier religious beliefs. They didn't have unlimited funds to go over seas and adopt after they spent most of thier money on trying for a domestic adoption both through adoption agencies and private adoptions.
They were even turned away from adopting much older kids that had been in the system for what seemed like forever.

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"Second, you just don't know what you are getting when you adopt."

You don't know what you're getting when you give birth, either.

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how insensitive is that comment about adoption??????

first of all, some of the reasons people can't have their own children are the same reasons they can't adopt. my husband's cancer and my age precluded us from adopting in most places.
also, for those who can ill afford fertility treatments adoption is no longer the cheaper option.
lastly, adoption for many comes with a barrage of special issues not all of which people are prepared to deal with. and it does not solve the issue of not being able to have one's own children only having a child in one's life. also, there are many of us who believe that taking a child from his home and country because their parents are poor and not orphaned is not compassionate, but modern day colonialism. we have decided that if we find such a child, we would prefer to give their impoverished birth mother the money we would have spent on adoption, just as maddona should have done with david's father in malawi.

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Please keep the thought "why don't you just adopt" where it is, in your mind. It is very insenstive to say that to someone who is experiencing infertility. "Just" makes it sound like it's easy to adopt and that anyone can do it. It's not easy, it's expensive, it's emotional. Being able to move beyond the desire to be pregnant (and deal with swollen ankles, stretch marks and so on), giving birth (and the pain that goes along with it) is difficult enough without someone who has not endured infertility telling to "just adopt".

And I disagree, infertility is much much worse than a backache. Much much worse.

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Come on now - some of your comments are so ridiculous (can you hear me amy, judy and liz?)
First of all as others pointed out you don't "know what you're getting" with a biological child. I'm not sure what terrible traits you are afraid an adopted child might have but I can only imagine. If you believe that there is something "wrong" with adopted children simply because they are in need of a family to raise them then there is no hope explaining it.

For those of you who are still confused -a child who is adopted into a family IS your child- not "someone else's child". It seems like you really don't get it. If you married a man who had been married before is he still someone else's husband? I bet that the troubles of society are also always someone else's problem too,


Finally- PLEASE do not base your opinion of the adoption process on the articles you read in People magazine or see on Entertainment Tonight. You really have no clue what Madonna or Angelina or Mia Farrow went through to adopt their children and to claim that you do doesn't make it so. And you certainly don't know what regular "non-celebrity" familes go through either. And thankfully your opinion that it is "modern day colonialism" is ONLY that- your opinion and nowhere near accurate. I hope that you have a better way of showing your compassion and perhaps this Sunday as you sit in your house of worship you can discuss your views about poverty, hunger , health issues and the orpahned children of the world with your pastor/priest/rabbi. I hope you are out looking for that child now and I do expect that you will give their mothers, their neighbors and their villages that money- that would be VERY compassoinate of you.

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Desiree,

Please do not think for a moment you've walked a day in my shoes. I won't even try to explain my situation and the wonderful outcome I've had. I know I'm one of the lucky ones, in so many different ways.

I never said there is anything wrong with adoption or with having a biological child. I just asked that people who HAVE NOT experienced infertility (and I'm not talking "it took us 6 months to conceive" infertility") to tell people to "just adopt".

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My last comment has a type, I meant to end with:

I just asked that people who HAVE NOT experienced infertility (and I'm not talking "it took us 6 months to conceive" infertility") to NOT tell people to "just adopt".

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This is the rudest discussion from the anti-adoption.
Here is my story:
My birth mother was 14-15 ish when she became pregnant with her oldest child. She eventually got married to the father, but then divorced him when he went to jail for dealing drugs. The she became pregnant with me. She choose to give me up for adoption because she was not finacially able to take care of me and her son. So my adoptive parents choose me because they were both in their 40s and my dad had just finished battling lung cancer and then my mom was unable to convieve. So then they adopted me and they were overjoyed. Then my birth mother became pregnant again (this time with twins) and my parents were planning to adopt them too. They would of been only a year younger than me. So they flew my birth mother out to where we live and that's when things went wrong. My birth mother started drinking heavily. My mom told her to cut it out, to no advil. My birth mother delivered twins, and one of them was stilborn and the other had great mental issues. My adoptive father (unfortunately) did not want to adopt him. Then my birth mother got pregnant AGAIN! my parents flew her out and were planning to adopt. Now, 10 years later, Doctors suspected she was drinking with this pregnancy too. The she gave birth to my sister (biologically my half-sister). Nothing seemed to be wrong with her (besides being colicy) and my parents adopted her. A year and a 1/2 ago my sister was tested for ADD and ADHD and other learning disorders, and it turns out she has quite a few. One of the main causes of this is drinking while pregnant. The my birth mother got pregnant (and hopefully for the final time) 4 years after my sister was born. She called my parents and asked if they would adopt him too. My father said no. He was a stay at home dad due to his lung cancer the year before i was born (so he retired from his oral surgery practice). He didn't want to raise anymore kids, despite my mom's pleas of being stay at home, also (we are finacially able to do this). But it was no. My birth mother, meanwhile, has been drinking, having sex with random guys, finacially unstable, and leaving her kids with her husband (father of the two youngest boys and my sister) for long periods. She has, basically, given my family headache and heartache for a long time. My mom has given so much to this women for giving me and my sister life. My dad wasn't as estactic about her (he died in Janruary, the day before my birthday). Personally, i am gratefull for her giving me life...but I would adopt a child after all that me and my family have been through

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For all those who said "You don't know what you're getting with a biological child":

Of course, you are right to an extent. But with your own biological child you have a much greater chance of knowing if your baby's mother abused drugs or alcohol during pregnancy, if she took vitamins and had prenatal care, if someone neglected or abused the baby, if someone sexually abused the baby, if the baby were born addicted to drugs, if the baby has siblings (and where they are), if there's a family history of physical, mental or emotional problems...

Chances are you won't know most of that when you adopt. You might know some, and you might have suspicions about others, but there's no way to know - and ALL of them will affect the child and - ultimately - your family too.

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