Things I am no longer capable of doing now that I'm a parent

by Linda Lee (Subscribe to Linda Lee's posts) Jun 13th 2008 8:00AM

• Observe a speeding vehicle drive through a neighborhood without making an involuntary tut-tut-tut sound
• Walk by a young child or baby without simpering and smiling like a doofus
• Eat a meal at a leisurely pace
• Read Pet Sematary (oh my god: no. Just . . . no)
• Wear a bra with less than three hooks
• Feel politically disengaged
• Be contemptuous of the minivan
• Make it through any sick-child news story without crying
• Drink a whole cup of coffee while it's still hot
• Take a bath without at least one little plastic boat in the tub
• Sleep at night without one ear cocked like a dog
• Speak in a calm, rational voice for the entire day
• See a pregnant belly without feeling strangely giddy
• Not be wildly opinionated about the obvious superiority of Steve over Joe on Blue's Clues
• Find the idea of cleaning up after someone else's bodily substances intolerable
• Keep my car's interior clean
• Take myself even remotely seriously while dancing
• Simply accept that Elizabeth Hasslebeck and Brooke Burke have otherworldly powers that allow their bellies to return to a state of rock-hard-abdom post-baby instead of theorizing at great length about the various surgical procedures they must have endured

How about you?

Comments (13)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

Eric's Mommy 6-13-2008 @ 9:46AM

Oh my god, it is like you are in my head!
At least I'm not as weird as I thought I was :)

SAM 6-13-2008 @ 9:56AM

o. Stay awake past 9:00 and watch anything I want to.
o. Wake up to the sound of nothing instead of starships flying around my son's room shooting my daughter's dolls while one screams "That's not nice!" and the other screams "It's just pretend!"

mckenna 6-13-2008 @ 3:36PM

*Have an intelligent conversation with my husband without feeling guilty for leaving out the little 3 yo who is constantly asking "Hey, what are you guys talking about?" (Try explaining what a "President of the US" is)

*Sleep for 8 hours straight (okay, that was a given...but I still miss it)

*Hear or read ANY news story about child abuse. They used to make me angry, but now I just fall apart.

idkatums 6-13-2008 @ 1:42PM

AMEN!!!!! It's like this every frickin' day for me and seriously it's nice to know that there are others that feel the same way!

Sleepynita 6-13-2008 @ 2:55PM

1. Party like a rockstar or even consume more then 2 alcoholic drinks.
2. Drink a hot cup of coffee.
3. Stay up late enough to finish an episode of CSI.

the goddess anna 6-13-2008 @ 4:01PM

Yup. Also - If, by some small miracle, I get to go shopping by myself, I find myself browsing for children's clothing. Apparently, I'm incapable of shopping solely for myself anymore.

One thing, though, that I am still capable of doing - forcing myself to stay up to watch BSG/Dr. Who/Stargate. Even if I miss the first showing, even if I get little quality sleep and am cranky the next day, I have to have my sci fi. I have limits, after all. : )

Samantha Jo Campen 6-13-2008 @ 6:17PM

Holy geeze. TOTALLY.

I'll add:

--Turn off the Worrymeter. "Is he crying while I'm at work?" "He's sleeping longer than normal. Is he okay?" "Am I feeding him too much?" "He didn't poop today. What's wrong with him?" Etc, etc, etc.

--Talk to Bryan without mentioning the baby.

Sigh.

Marcia 6-13-2008 @ 9:27PM

I can't stand the Joe Blue's Clues episodes lol.

I design power plants for a living and NOTHING is more complicated than trying to explain to a tiny child how to sip through a darn straw! Thankfully she finally learned haha.

I cry at all sad and happy stories relating to pregnancy, family, and children. I was never like this before. I feel like an alien in my own skin.

Jessie 6-14-2008 @ 12:07AM

-Walking around the house without stepping painfully on some lego, barbie shoe, or mysterious pointy toy destined to be wedged into the arch of my foot.
-Speaking a complete sentence without adding a "y" to the end of a word. Shoe-y, arm-y, poop-y, foot-y...you get the picture...-y.
-Having a nice quiet evening without checking the clock every 5 minutes to see if it's 8 pm and bedtime yet.
-Having a guilt-free afternoon or evening by myself doing whatever I want to do. It just doesn't happen anymore. I feel like I should be holding a little hand or wiping a little nose.
-Showering, getting dressed, and wearing make-up every single day. When did that stop?
-Listening to a baby cry without a minor panic attack.
-Walking past stranger's kids who need help on the playground equipment. Yeah, Stranger Mom, if you weren't yacking on your cell phone you'd see that your kid almost broke her neck as she's hanging by one leg on the monkey bars, yelling for help.

mj12 6-14-2008 @ 8:16AM

* See an entire movie start to finish with no interuptions...and that the 3 or 4 that I've seen in the past 8 years!
* Get through an entire work day without doing something that should be done from home.
* Keep my closets organized. They are now the dumping grounds for those quick pick up days...oh who am I kidding....every day!
* Make it through a day without eating the rest of the food from someone else's plate. But if I didn't do that I wouldn't eat most meals, refer back to Linda's note about having a leisurely meal.

OH I could go on and on, so many things are now a part of my life that before children I swore up and down I would never do if I had kids.

Michele W 6-14-2008 @ 6:07PM

Goto the bathroom by MYSELF !!
I thought now that my son is older this would stop but now the dog has to be in there. Everything else you said is me to the t. It is unbelivable how much things change when you have a child.

Miz 6-16-2008 @ 3:04PM

Joe is the Blues Clues guy with the creepy eyebrows, right?

*I was completely guilty of getting all ooglie over the sight of an 8month old last weekend...How can you not? They haven't turned into evil (I mean wonderful..cough cough) toddlers yet! :-)

Angela 6-17-2008 @ 3:28AM

I can relate to all of these. Here are a few more I thought of:

1) Walk upstairs at home w/o my arms full (of clean laundry, flip flops, a new box of diapers, etc.).

2) Look away from a sleeping baby w/o first seeing the rise and fall of his back/chest to make sure he's breathing.

3) Wear high heels to church.

4) Make a budget that does not involve mass quantities of chicken nuggets and wipes.

5) Get an oil change without serious plannng and tons of "supplies".

6) Read a whole sentence between the hours of 7am and 8pm.

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