Things I am no longer capable of doing now that I'm a parent

Filed under: Babies, Toddlers Preschoolers



• Observe a speeding vehicle drive through a neighborhood without making an involuntary tut-tut-tut sound
• Walk by a young child or baby without simpering and smiling like a doofus
• Eat a meal at a leisurely pace
• Read Pet Sematary (oh my god: no. Just . . . no)
• Wear a bra with less than three hooks
• Feel politically disengaged
• Be contemptuous of the minivan
• Make it through any sick-child news story without crying
• Drink a whole cup of coffee while it's still hot
• Take a bath without at least one little plastic boat in the tub
• Sleep at night without one ear cocked like a dog
• Speak in a calm, rational voice for the entire day
• See a pregnant belly without feeling strangely giddy
• Not be wildly opinionated about the obvious superiority of Steve over Joe on Blue's Clues
• Find the idea of cleaning up after someone else's bodily substances intolerable
• Keep my car's interior clean
• Take myself even remotely seriously while dancing
• Simply accept that Elizabeth Hasslebeck and Brooke Burke have otherworldly powers that allow their bellies to return to a state of rock-hard-abdom post-baby instead of theorizing at great length about the various surgical procedures they must have endured

How about you?

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AdviceMama Says:
Start by teaching him that it is safe to do so.