The name game: What do other people's kids call you?
Categories: Kids 8-11, Development, Playground bureau
Names can be a tricky thing; expecting parents agonize over choosing just the right name for their new bundle of joy. But the name dilemma isn't over once you bring the baby home -- sure, you've named the BABY, but now the renaming of the parents begins. I don't mean the choice between being Mommy or Mama or Mamacita -- I mean the much more sensitive issue of what your children's friends, and your friends' children, will call call you.
The basic name dilemma is first name versus last -- are you Jane or Mrs. Smith to the tots in your playgroup? And then there's the more complicated last name issue -- what if your last name and your child's last name aren't the same? Are you Mrs. Child's Last Name or Mrs. Your Last Name?
And why does it matter?
New York Times etiquette expert Philip Galanes thinks it shouldn't; in response to a query about a friend who insists that children call adults Mrs. Child's Last Name, rather than using the mother's actual last name, because that's the "proper" thing to do, he says, "Next time you meet one of your friend's children - preferably with his Stepford mother in tow - insist he call you Jules, J-Bird or another nickname that's as inappropriate for a 9-year-old to use as you can bear to suggest. It may take a village to raise a child, but it takes just one sensible adult to bring down a regime that calls people by the wrong names for the sake of 'proper manners.'"
I disagree with Galanes. I think any parent who is encouraging her child to address adults in a respectful manner is doing them a favor. We constantly hear about parents who are NOT teaching good manners -- why attack the parent who is? And why encourage inappropriate behavior as a response?
What do your kids call the other grown ups? Do you ask other parents how they want to be addressed, or just go with the Mr. and Mrs. Child's Last Name shorthand?
The basic name dilemma is first name versus last -- are you Jane or Mrs. Smith to the tots in your playgroup? And then there's the more complicated last name issue -- what if your last name and your child's last name aren't the same? Are you Mrs. Child's Last Name or Mrs. Your Last Name?
And why does it matter?
New York Times etiquette expert Philip Galanes thinks it shouldn't; in response to a query about a friend who insists that children call adults Mrs. Child's Last Name, rather than using the mother's actual last name, because that's the "proper" thing to do, he says, "Next time you meet one of your friend's children - preferably with his Stepford mother in tow - insist he call you Jules, J-Bird or another nickname that's as inappropriate for a 9-year-old to use as you can bear to suggest. It may take a village to raise a child, but it takes just one sensible adult to bring down a regime that calls people by the wrong names for the sake of 'proper manners.'"
I disagree with Galanes. I think any parent who is encouraging her child to address adults in a respectful manner is doing them a favor. We constantly hear about parents who are NOT teaching good manners -- why attack the parent who is? And why encourage inappropriate behavior as a response?
What do your kids call the other grown ups? Do you ask other parents how they want to be addressed, or just go with the Mr. and Mrs. Child's Last Name shorthand?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
Mrs. CPA 6-23-2008 @ 10:14AM
Everybody is "Miss firstname" in the South. I guess I don't have to worry about the different last name issue that way. I have enough trouble remembering someone's first name as it is.
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Leslie 6-23-2008 @ 10:19AM
I'm curious to hear the responses to this one. I have not instructed my daughter either way - she is almost 4, though, and I think it is past time we set a standard. Usually what happens now is that she'll say, "Johnny's Mommy, Johnny's Mommy, look at this!" or something, and Johnny's Mommy will say, "Oh, call me Jane, dear," and then my daughter is then saying, "Jane, come here quick!" That makes me a little uncomfortable, although on the other extreme, it makes me uncomfortable when my daughter's friends call me, "Mrs. Smith."
I was thinking about instructing my daughter to call her friends' parents by Ms. Firstname, similar to how they address their teachers in preschool. Maybe this is a southern thing? I certainly wouldn't mind being called Ms. Leslie though. A little bit of respect with the "Ms.", a little familiarity using their first name. But it still feels a little goofy, I am not sure why.
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Jenny 6-23-2008 @ 10:22AM
I disagree with both of you :). I think that if a child calls you by the wrong name AND you don't like it, you should say: "I would like it if you would call me ..." and the name you prefer. I don't think you make up some cutesy nickname to irritate the parents as the NYT guy suggests, but I think it is the height of ill manners to call people something they do not want to be called. You can start with Mr./Mrs. LastName, but if a person says "Call me X" then I'll be teaching my kids to RESPECT their wishes and call them X.
That said, I didn't change my name but I don't object to being called Mrs. KidsLastName and I wouldn't correct kids on it. But that's me. Again, it is just a matter of what the person being addressed wants.
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ninainindia 6-23-2008 @ 10:46AM
I agree with jenny, it's very impolite to disregard someone's wishes. If I said please call me Jane. I would be insulted if the mother made the child call me Mrs Last Name. And using the child's last name? That's just strange if it's not your last name.
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Kimberly Coleman 6-23-2008 @ 10:52AM
Where I live (in NYC) many young kids call adults by their first names. I don't like that though, so I have my son call people Mr. or Mrs./Ms. "First Name".
If the parents prefer to be called Mr. or Mrs./Ms. "Last Name" that's fine too. However, when they say something like, "Oh, he just needs to call me "First Name", I let them know (away from the kids) that I'm not comfortable with that. So far, I haven't had any negative reactions.
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Uly 6-23-2008 @ 11:44PM
So, you're saying that it's more polite that *you* be comfortable with what your children call somebody else than that *they* be comfortable with what your children call them?
Nice manners.
Kimberly Coleman 6-24-2008 @ 10:24AM
I don't like to go back and forth in response to my replies, but I just want to clarify my answer. I don't make OTHER people's kids call me "Mrs/Ms." if their parents allow them to call people by their first names. I respect their decisions as parents.
However, my husband and I are the ones who set the rules for our young children. If we don't feel comfortable having our pre-school aged kids call a grown up that's old enough to be their parents (or grandparents!) by their first names, then I would hope that the adults would respect our wishes like we do theirs. As I said, none of our friends has had an issue with it to date. If they did, then we would discuss it amongst us adults (in a civil, non name-calling, non-accusatory manner) and come up with a solution that worked for both of us.
In my opinion, respect and manners isn't always necessarily doing what the other person wants (even though it's nice when it works out that way!).
Uly 6-24-2008 @ 8:26PM
Well, Kimberly, it's clear you're not my friend, because if you came up to me and told me that you "weren't comfortable" with how *I* choose to have others address *me* - and the only respectful name for somebody is the name they themselves prefer - then you can be damn sure I'd have a problem with that.
Lissa 6-23-2008 @ 11:30AM
I agree that teaching your child to address others with respect is important - that's why I, respectfully, disagree with what you have to say. The letter sent to the Times wasn't about teaching your child to address adults respectfully (in this case with a last name). The letter was addressing the issue that the manners oriented mother was insisting her child call the other mothers by the wrong last name. I think that is even ruder than using the first name to address an adult. If a woman does not take her husbands last name - another mother should not be insisting that her child use it when referring to her since it is NOT her name.
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Monica 6-23-2008 @ 12:28PM
Wholeheartedly agree. Respect is about teaching your children to respect others. Some people are uncomfortable with being called Mrs.Anylastname, let alone Mrs.WRONGlastname and they have as much right to respect as any other adult.
Kids addressing adults in general as Mrs.anylastname is pretty uncommon up here in the chilly north (not including teachers), so we made generous use of Aunt and Uncle titles. I have a very small genetic family and my friends were happy with this as a compromise.
One thing I always made sure to do was discuss it with the person involved before laying down the law with the kids. I found that having both of those conversations apart from the person being discussed was much more comfortable for all involved.
I think the deeper lesson is that societal rules do not necessarily equal respect. Listening and considering the other persons point of view is a much deeper form of respect.
colleenzaqueen 6-23-2008 @ 11:47AM
my kids use the name I use. If I call my neighbor Miss Soandso, they will do the same. If i call michelle, michelle, so do they.
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Leanne 6-23-2008 @ 11:57AM
We are instructing our son to call everyone Mr/Mrs/Miss/Dr. and last name. The only two exceptions are anyone who's last name I can't pronounce and teachers at school. In both of those cases it's Mr/Mrs/Miss/Dr and first name.
He's 2 1/2 and seems to be catching on to this just fine. I feel like I'm setting him up for better manners for the future.
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Lola 6-23-2008 @ 12:20PM
I have had exactly this dilemma as I am adamant that my children treat adults with respect and recognize that they cannot treat them as peers.
All my friends balked at my kids calling them (i.e.) Mrs. Smith, so I have compromised with a Mrs. Lisa and Mr. Bob. My kids are the only ones who do it and I cringe every time some 5 year old calls me by my first name.
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mypartyof6 6-23-2008 @ 12:31PM
My kids use Mr. Lastname and Mrs. Mom's Lastname. Lots of moms in our neighborhood have different last names than their kids, so they are used to it. The only time it gets a little tricky is moms who are either not married, or prefer not to use Mrs. (And for very close friends we use Mr. or Mrs. First Name.)
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Linda C. 6-23-2008 @ 12:47PM
with friends/relatives (not strangers), i usually have my (2 yo) daughter call them "uncle/aunt first name." at daycare, it's usually "so-and-so's mama/daddy." once she's in school, i suspect we'll move on to "mr./mrs. last name."
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Kate P 6-23-2008 @ 1:32PM
My son is only two, so he has no concept that people have different last names. We use the Miss/Mr. Firstname, which we picked up from daycare. It works for now, although when we get to school age, I am sure that we will get more formal and start using last names. I have never had anyone object when I use this format, nor am I sensitive about what children call me, although, I do believe that there should be a level of respect when addressing adults.
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Holly 6-23-2008 @ 9:26PM
We have our boys call adults Miss/Mr FirstName.
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Uly 6-23-2008 @ 11:44PM
The nieces use "Mr/Mrs. Firstname" as the default. HOWEVER (and this is crucially important), the person's actual preferences are what take precedence. If whoever it is wants to be called by a title and their last name, that's what we do. If they want to be called by simply their first name, that's what we do.
To do otherwise would be massively rude and disrespectful.
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Sabrina 6-24-2008 @ 8:59AM
I was raised with Miss or Mr "First name", and I prefer that kids call me this, and I teach my kids to call others Miss/Mr "First name" as well. Unless someone introduces themselves as Mrs. "last name" or another name, I just revert to my default. I still call my mother's friends Miss" First name" and I'm in my 20s now.
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kristian 6-24-2008 @ 10:41PM
I expect that my child receive the same respect as adults. I do not believe that age inherently merits deference to an older person. I will encourage my son to call people by the same name that I call them, unless they are prepared to call him Mr. "Smith", and I don't make a habit of using Mr. Mrs. Ms. or Miss., it seems too contrived.
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