Dan Bucatinsky: More Than I Can Chew
The name game: What do other people's kids call you?
Filed under: Tweens, Development/Milestones: Babies, Playground Bureau
Names can be a tricky thing; expecting parents agonize over choosing just the right name for their new bundle of joy. But the name dilemma isn't over once you bring the baby home -- sure, you've named the BABY, but now the renaming of the parents begins. I don't mean the choice between being Mommy or Mama or Mamacita -- I mean the much more sensitive issue of what your children's friends, and your friends' children, will call call you.
The basic name dilemma is first name versus last -- are you Jane or Mrs. Smith to the tots in your playgroup? And then there's the more complicated last name issue -- what if your last name and your child's last name aren't the same? Are you Mrs. Child's Last Name or Mrs. Your Last Name?
And why does it matter?
New York Times etiquette expert Philip Galanes thinks it shouldn't; in response to a query about a friend who insists that children call adults Mrs. Child's Last Name, rather than using the mother's actual last name, because that's the "proper" thing to do, he says, "Next time you meet one of your friend's children - preferably with his Stepford mother in tow - insist he call you Jules, J-Bird or another nickname that's as inappropriate for a 9-year-old to use as you can bear to suggest. It may take a village to raise a child, but it takes just one sensible adult to bring down a regime that calls people by the wrong names for the sake of 'proper manners.'"
I disagree with Galanes. I think any parent who is encouraging her child to address adults in a respectful manner is doing them a favor. We constantly hear about parents who are NOT teaching good manners -- why attack the parent who is? And why encourage inappropriate behavior as a response?
What do your kids call the other grown ups? Do you ask other parents how they want to be addressed, or just go with the Mr. and Mrs. Child's Last Name shorthand?
The basic name dilemma is first name versus last -- are you Jane or Mrs. Smith to the tots in your playgroup? And then there's the more complicated last name issue -- what if your last name and your child's last name aren't the same? Are you Mrs. Child's Last Name or Mrs. Your Last Name?
And why does it matter?
New York Times etiquette expert Philip Galanes thinks it shouldn't; in response to a query about a friend who insists that children call adults Mrs. Child's Last Name, rather than using the mother's actual last name, because that's the "proper" thing to do, he says, "Next time you meet one of your friend's children - preferably with his Stepford mother in tow - insist he call you Jules, J-Bird or another nickname that's as inappropriate for a 9-year-old to use as you can bear to suggest. It may take a village to raise a child, but it takes just one sensible adult to bring down a regime that calls people by the wrong names for the sake of 'proper manners.'"
I disagree with Galanes. I think any parent who is encouraging her child to address adults in a respectful manner is doing them a favor. We constantly hear about parents who are NOT teaching good manners -- why attack the parent who is? And why encourage inappropriate behavior as a response?
What do your kids call the other grown ups? Do you ask other parents how they want to be addressed, or just go with the Mr. and Mrs. Child's Last Name shorthand?
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 2)
6-25-2008 @ 1:26AM
Julie said...As a mother, I let my children call me Mom or Mommy. I don't like them call me "Mother" because it sounds so strict and old. My children call their dad "Dad" since my husband doesn't like the whole "Father" thing either. My children's friends call me Mrs. Julie and they call my husband Mr. Ryan, becuase the only people I like calling me by my last name are teachers. I also find it funny about the "different last name from the child", because I know someone with that situation, and she goes by "Mrs. Last Name", and I feel sorry for her when she is questioned about it becuase her child has a different last name.
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6-25-2008 @ 1:48AM
Sheila said...I'm 18 now and I've always started calling someone older than myself 'Mr./Ms. Lastname'. However, if someone told me otherwise, I would do that of course. I think its a nice way to start. But once again, the person being addressed's prefrences will come first.
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6-26-2008 @ 3:05PM
brad said...So ULY you are saying its up to the other parents preference of how the kid acts towards them. What if the parents want a kiss on the cheek everytime a kid greets them. Its def up to the kids parents.....its better to be over polite than not polite enough. In my house growing up I would never have called an adult by their first name even if they wanted me to....you cant be offended by adding a mr. or mrs in front of anything its just respect.
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6-27-2008 @ 1:46PM
Margaux said...I'm a teenager, and with me it has always depended on how close I was to the person. My best friend's parents, for instance, I call by their first name, but I use last name for parents that I am just meeting. If they ask me to call them by their first name (which many, including my own, do) I will, but if not I just stick to Mr or Mrs or Ms, whichever is appropriate.
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6-26-2008 @ 7:32PM
MamaV said...Hi everyone,
In the community that I live in myself and all of my friends are Mama first name to all of the children. It works out pretty well, after all we are all Mama's.
Ex. If your name is Jennifer you would be called Mama Jennifer.
Plus we all call each other Mama first name as well.
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6-27-2008 @ 3:02AM
ripi said...Well, i am glad that i am an Indian (from India, not native american), but I do live in the United States.
For us, anyone old enough to be our parents or grandparents is automatically uncle or aunty, and if they are just old enough to be a sibling, we call them "bhaiya" or 'didi" or "brother" and "sister". It's all a matter of respect.
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