Autistic child receives apology for being asked to leave

by Roger Sinasohn (Subscribe to Roger Sinasohn's posts) Jul 9th 2008 4:57PM

Categories: Kids 5-7, Special Needs, Mealtime

Imagine you've just sat down in a restaurant and your five-year-old autistic daughter is making a fuss because her favorite food wasn't on the menu. You're trying to deal with the situation when a waiter comes over and informs you that another customer is refusing to pay for their meal until your child is removed from the restaurant. You are then asked to leave.

Now, I'm not fond of children screaming in restaurants and I'm not above taking my kids outside if they can't behave, but it sounds like this family had just arrived, were looking at the menu, and hadn't really had a chance to deal with the situation before being kicked out. Certainly, as the girl's father said, "The first question should have been, 'Is there any way we can help?' not 'Can you please make your child leave.'"

The good news is that the restaurant has apologized and plans to raise funds for autism research. Chris Manderscheib, president of Smitty's Canada, said "we want to make sure that we've addressed it, making sure we educate ourselves as well." Smitty's is a chain of family restaurants and, while a screaming child is never acceptable in any restaurant, I would think the management would be somewhat forgiving and give parents a chance to calm their child before giving them the boot. Perhaps, now, they will.

Source

Comments (20)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

ame s 7-09-2008 @ 5:46PM

"Is there any way I can help?" Does this father know how low minimum wage for servers is? They should not be asked to do anything other than serve for that low a compensation. On a good night, servers make enough in tips to bring their pay up high enough to earn a living.
The "rights" of one family do not overrule the rights of the other restaurant patrons to a calm peaceful meal.
I suggest a McPlayland or Chuckie Cheez type place for families with children who may not be able to be calm and quiet during meal time.

Michelle 7-09-2008 @ 9:55PM

A child with autism would likely not do well in those situations you suggest.

However, a little compassion toward our fellow humans would go a long way.

No, no one should be allowed to impede on another's rights, including having a relatively calm meal. Hence why I rarely take my 2 young children, one of whom has sensory issues out.

However, another patron refusing to pay until the child was removed from the premises? Sounds like an ass to me. If the said patron was already on his/her way out, there was simply no reason to make a scene.

And, yes, "Is there anyway I can help" would have been a lovely way to address the situation, as a server's tip is directly proportionate to the level of service I receive. It is possible the family would have left anyway, or they may have found a way to calm their child down. With more and more children being diagnosed with autism, ostrasizing them and their families is not the answer. They are going to be attending your child's school, your church, eating at the same restaurants and shopping in the same stores.

It's time to stop judging and grow a little heart. Even the Grinch did it!

Uly 7-11-2008 @ 8:25PM

I am autistic, and I agree that other people have rights too.

However, McDonalds and Chuckee Cheese and other places designed for children to run around and yell are, for many autistics, so chaotic as to lead to worse meltdowns.

In this situation I would suggest, rather, that the family go to restaurants that offer the food their kid will eat, that they try to go during non-peak hours, and that they discuss with the child in advance the possibility that they may be disappointed and what they should do then.

And yes, in case of a meltdown - that they leave. That situation is not just unpleasant for everybody else but also very unpleasant for the meltdowny child, and it's not a place where they *have* to be.

Suzanne 7-14-2008 @ 11:16AM

Well, I can say I frown when I see parents let their kids jump on the seat and scream at restaurants. It's not the child's behavior I find annoying, it's the lack of consideration of the parents. This situation was not a case of a child misbehaving and a parent neglecting to get the situation under control. I have a son with Aspergers and I have had situations where my son has begun to act up, usually over sensory issues or change of schedule (having your favorite food not on the menu is a devistating thing when you have autism). I see people look at me and I calmly handle the situation and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I can tell you one thing, if I ever got approached by someone telling me to leave, I would have a full out tantrum myself. We all need to support each other in this world! The family should have been informed that there was a complaint and the manager should have asked if they needed any help, not the waiter or waitress.

Nicola 7-09-2008 @ 6:15PM

Couple of things. Mom and Dad must be well aware of autistic child's food issues. As well as autistic child's autism. If food issues are a general source of upset for this child, then the parents need to think about why they took the kid to a restaurant that did not serve an acceptable food item. We all make allowances when we have kids, whether autistic or not. I don't take my son out to Thai food, he doesn't like it, but he loves Mexican. I love Thai food, but I can handle Mexican, so we eat Mexican. That's what we parents do. Ah, the sacrifices...

Also, she's five. Kids throw tantrums. It happens. And when it happens in a restaurant (or church, or a movie, etc.), we take that child outside to calm down. Again, my son is not autistic, but he's had a meltdown (or ten!) in restaurants, at which point Daddy calmly walks him outside for a cool down period. If that doesn't work, then we pay the bill and leave.

There are certain places in which tantrums and screaming children are not acceptable. You are at the restaurant by choice. If your child is so unhappy that they are in complete meltdown, then for god's sake, LEAVE! It has nothing to do with the child's autism. It has everything to do with common sense and public courtesy.

eugene 7-09-2008 @ 7:56PM

Parents, please learn your child's idiosyncrasies and take proactive steps to deal with them. You can still be an effective parent to child suffering from a developmental disorder. Simply throwing up your hands and saying he has X condition is not being a parent and expecting everyone around you to put up with you and yours isn't reasonable.

Sherry 7-09-2008 @ 9:06PM

yes, yes, children should behave in public spaces, removed if they are disturbing other, blah,blah, blah.

Just from this short article the timing on all of this sounds funny to me though. Had these people just arrived and the trouble only been going on for a few minutes because what she liked wasn't on the menu? Had the person who complained and refused to pay the bill already finished most of the meal and was about to leave anyway? From this very short article it sounds to me like a cheapo jerk thought he/she could use an upset child as an excuse to get out of paying a bill.

Next time I have some old disgusting guy fart at the next table over I think I will be so upset I refuse to pay the bill as he has violated my right to peace and pleasant breathing in a public place.

Also, this is some kind of chain place, isn't it? Usually those places all have the same menu at every location. Did this one not have all the things offered at other places? I think we should find that out before we start throwing blame at the parents for taking the kid to a place with food they knew she wouldn't eat.

heatherb425 7-10-2008 @ 8:02PM

As a mother of an autistic child, and a single mother for the first 5 years of this kid's life, I have to comment on this restaurant situation. Those of us who live with autism or other disabilities cannot be asked to stop living OUR lives in spite of our kids and their behavior. An autistic kid can have a melt down over the slightest thing and you never know what that might be from one moment to the next. I like to say that autism is a disease that has no rhyme or reason. You will never understand it, so don't try to make sense out of it or reason it away into a logical way of thinking b/c it's not. It's a brain disorder, it will never be logical. As a parent of a kid like this, you become immune to the meltdowns, b/c they are so frequent, you stop noticing how obnoxious it can be. It's a normal, everyday routine that you live with day in and day out. So normal as changing your clothes. It's EASY to forget, that other people can't handle what you are so used to. I was once in a Sam's Club, and my son, non-verbal at the time was making his usual noises. That's what autistic kids do. They make noises that I don't think they even realize that they are making. They like to hear themselves echo, a condition called Echolalia. Here we are, in a big open warehouse type setting, and he's happily making his noises and echoing, which at this point I am totally immune to, and some old man walks up to me and tells me " I've heard your kid all over this dam store! You need to make him shut up!" I was in total shock. I was in tears and I marched back up to that man and I told him that my kid has a problem, and it can't be fixed. He screamed at me that he didn't care what my kids problem was, that I need to shut him the hell up. Sam's revoked this guy's membership for being so rude. My point in this story is to say, WE LIVE WITH ABNORMAL EVERYDAY, IT BECOMES NORMAL. I WILL NOT STOP LIVING MY LIFE, SHOPPING, EATING OUT, GOING TO PARKS, B/C MY KID JUST MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT. You do what you have to do. I can't afford a babysitter to stay at home with my kid everytime I want to go out. Think about the parents, and how run down and stressed out that they are dealing with this nightmare everyday and they just want to go out like a normal family and have dinner like everyone else.

Michelle 7-09-2008 @ 11:09PM

Everyone seems to think that a child throwing a tantrum is this huge, inconvienient, inconsiderate thing. And evidently, the world has some sort of inalienable right to perfect peace and quiet. I think that's ridiculous. Today's world is noisy. Restaurants are noisy. Drunk adults are noisy. Sometimes kids are noisy. Sometimes jukeboxes are noisy. I think garbage trucks driving by my window at 6am is obnoxious. But that's just life. Sometimes it's loud.

Are we all so intolerant that 2 or 3 minutes of a child screaming causes such a level of discomfort that patrons deserve some sort of compensation for tolerating it? Please. That's ridiculous.

People need to focus on the larger issues in life. If everyone just let a few things slide once in a while, the world would be a happier place. Just relax a little. Go with the flow. Even if it's shrieking.

Allison 7-09-2008 @ 11:20PM

Heatherb425, I completely disagree. As others have said, part of being a parent involves sacrifices. When you have a child you perhaps stop staying out late at night, spending money on luxuries, taking trips alone or as a couple, etc. It's one of the joys of parenthood. One such sacrifice is not taking your child in public if they cannot handle it and also being aware of you and your child's affect on your surroundings. Any child, autistic or not, is not an excuse to be oblivious to others. While the man in Sam's club certainly did not react or behave appropriately (he was also oblivious to his affect on others) the general idea of being aware of your child and his various issues is important. So yes, there are certain parts of your life that will need to be put on hold until your child can behave correctly in public.

Karen 7-10-2008 @ 1:50AM

Allison, you have to be kidding me? How many like you are out there, intolerant and cruel? Would you dare make your uneducated remarks about a mentally challenged individual, or a physically handicapped individual?

A child with autism could be fine for an entire week of outings and then have a complete meltdown at every outing the next week. Are parents of children on the spectrum supposed to go into total seclusion? You have NO idea of how much sacrifice these parents are already making. And you have the nerve to call them oblivious?

Tamyu 7-10-2008 @ 2:21AM

I`m going to have to side with some of the other comments - If your child has autism, you didn`t just discover it that morning. You should have a very good idea of what is an issue for them. When it comes to food issues, avoiding problems is not all that hard. You can ask for a menu before going in and sitting down. You can call and ask about the special foods, etc. Presenting a plan works well, so offer choices before you reach the table.

And even if, for some reason, this slips your mind or the issue is a new one... You can remove your child from the restaurant temporarily to try and calm them down without causing a scene. If the meltdown is so severe that it will last more than a few minutes, face it - you`re not going to be able to eat in peace and your child certainly isn`t going to either. There is no real reason to remain there to eat - ask for a takeout box.

You don`t have to end your life if your child has autism or sensory issues. You can indeed go about life much like everyone else - it just takes a bit more work on YOUR part. But isn`t that the case with all parenting? Everything takes more work.

isis 7-10-2008 @ 2:55AM

It is nice to see some things haven't changed....for those of you who do not know-autism is not 100 percent predictable-behaviors can be triggered by things that an hr ago had no affect----
-
Those of you who think these parents should live in a freakin' bubble---it is a good thing that stupidity is not as obvious.

suzanne 7-14-2008 @ 11:18AM

This is true. My son is mainstreamed at school and expected to do things the way other children do. I never know when something is going to trigger an outburst!! So sad that people feel that they are so precious that they should never have to be burdened by others who have a handicap! Sad!

Summer 7-10-2008 @ 8:20PM

Amen, Heatherb425!! I, too was a single parent (not by choice-husband left us when my daughter was 6 months old)for the majority of my autistic little girls' early childhood. I completely agree with you. You can't stop living your life or doing everyday things bc your already unpredictable little one may have a major 'moment' in public. My little girl couldn't handle the sensory overload at the grocery store. She fought me and screamed the whole time we were shopping from the time she was an infant. Even now we make trips to the store as qucikly as possible. Whether you are a sinlge parent or not, no one can afford a sitter everytime you have errands to run.
Back to the little girl in the restaurant, I'm willing to bet that they CHANGED the menu and no longer featured the meal she usually ordered. If there is one thing autistic kids can't handle it is CHANGE!!! I'll also bet that the kitchen could have mad ethe meal for the little girl if her parents had been allowed to even ask.
As for the parents, I would have told that rude old fart to leave! I could care less if he paid for his meal or not. So TOTALLY NOT my problem.

Lisa 7-10-2008 @ 12:55PM

That's fine if the parents of disabled children don't want to be shut-ins, but they need to not be so offended when business owners ask them to leave their property for having a disruptive child. These parents apparently like to ignore the fact that owners of the business have the right to decide what is best for the business.

Michelle 7-10-2008 @ 4:55PM

Well, then turn-about is fair play. The next time I go out to enjoy a nice meal with my husband like I did last November for our Anniversary, the only time we were out sans children all year, and a group of obnoxious, drunk adults commence to carrying on and disrupting my one quiet, hot meal of the year, I am going to refuse to pay for my meal until the drunkards are removed. We actually ended up rushing through our meal and leaving the restaurant early.

Adults have been more disruptive in any restaurant I have ever frequented than children could dream of being.

CLM 7-10-2008 @ 5:11PM

Call me crazy, but I suspect that every person commenting here was once a child and that he/she had less than perfect public moments. How, exactly, are children supposed to learn how to behave in public if they are never allowed to be exposed to the public? This was Smitty's, people, not Le Reve.

Tamyu 7-10-2008 @ 7:21PM

I also think a lot of people commenting here forget that not every parent of a child with autism shares the view that the entire population should have to deal with their child`s problems. That not all of us are using "Well, he/she has autism, so can`t be helped!" as an excuse to push ourselves into others` spaces.

It always makes me shake my head when parents, on one hand say "Well, it can`t be helped." as if their child were some sort of wild beast... And then on the other hand expect everyone to see their child for the unique individual they are outside of the disorder. It`s very hard to have things both ways. Either you can expect the world to grin and bear your child`s misbehavior, excusing them as uncontrollable... or you can try to show that the behavior can be controlled (to some extent) so that they will treat your child as a child and not a wild animal.
I think that parents are doing their children a horrible disservice by simply supporting the very autism stereotypes they otherwise say they hate.

And yes, my son DOES have autism. I forgot to mention that in my first post. He even has a disability card and receives benefits - so it`s not a self diagnosis or a school counselor diagnosis. There ARE ways to get through the day without disturbing the rest of the world. It takes work, and some days *gasp* not going out is better than others. We have left restaurants of our own volition to sit in the car while they boxed everything up more times than I can count. My view is even if we were the ONLY people there, there is no way a meal can be enjoyed if my son is upset. A tantrum is not just random screaming - something is very wrong in his world, and he is suffering. I don`t see how you can sit by and just ignore it, as "normal" as it may seem. Autism doesn`t make emotions any less real.

I don`t know what the little girl was doing, so I can`t say if the restaurant was justified in asking them to leave... But I do feel that there are a number of ways the parents could have been proactive in curbing at least some of it - which I outlined in my other comment.

heatherb425 7-11-2008 @ 2:26PM

Everyone here can say what they want, or how they handle their children or how others should handle their children, but again, every parent is different. Everyone's parenting styles are different and one doesn't make the other that much worse. I live in an autisic world and will for the rest of my life. This thing isn't some little minor inconvenience that will just go away when my child stops being the age of a child. I'm not going to shut myself in and stay out of the public eye. I have to turn a blind eye to many indescretions that the public sets before me and my family and I don't demand my right to live peaceably in the public b/c you might offend me with maybe your mohawk, tattoos, piercings, smoking, drinking, sexual prefrences. I won't refuse to pay a bill b/c someone I might think is a freak is sitting next to me in the restaurant, " disturbing my peaceful idea of a meal" You go out in the public, you subject yourself to whatever comes down the pipe. It's society. Maybe the adults should learn to grow up and stop being the grown up kid having a melt down b/c you didn't quite get what you expected at your dinner outing. How are you any different than that little girl?
You can't tell someone how to raise a child that has a disability. Autism ranges from very severe to very mild. My child is on the mild side and we've crossed many hurdles. But has anyone heard the statistics ? 1 out of 150 kids have autism. You will see it everywhere. As someone posted before, it's in your child's classroom, it's in you church, it's in your neighborhood. It's becoming so common, they are making more and more accomodations in the public schools and special education to integrate these kids into the public. Some of you may someday have a child with autism in the family and then we'll see who is looking down their noses handing out the instruction manual. Life has lots of twists and it's up to you how to deal with it and move on. We as parents of autistic kids, find a way to survive and move on with everyday life.