My failed career as drill sergeant
Categories: Toddlers
If you've ever listened to Bill Cosby's genius comedy routine Himself (if you haven't had the pleasure, may I recommend that you go ahead and buy the DVD right this instant? Okay then!), you know the skit titled "Brain Damage", right? Cosby's got this bit that goes something like, "All children have brain damage. You can't just say "come here", you have to send a barrage of heres. Come here, come here, come here, come here, come here! HERE! HERE! HERE!!!" I was thinking of that this past week during our vacation, which our toddler spent in perpetual Over-Stimulated Mode, as I heard a similar dialogue issuing forth from my own mouth: "Riley! Put that down! Put that down! Down! DOWN! DOOOOWN!"
Put that down, stop it, stop jumping, sit still, no, NO, NOOOO, don't touch that, that's not yours, I don't want to have to tell you again, etc etc etc. My god, I gave myself a lip-cramp from all the Disapproving Pursing I was doing.
I love so many things about Riley's age right now -- this nearly-3-years-old stage of silly games and weird conversations and random acts of utter hilarity -- but oh MAN it makes me crazy when my kid doesn't listen to me. He's officially old enough to FOLLOW MY COMMANDS and yet he's also officially old enough to STUBBORNLY REFUSE TO DO SO.
It was one thing when he was 18 months old and basically a horrifying combination of upright mobility + infanthood (seriously: 18 months, Worst Phase Ever) but now that he's all of three feet tall and able to call me out on my own bodily emissions ("Mommy, that sounded sumpin like a fart") I do NOT enjoy having to chase him and deploy the Maternal Eagle Claw of Death on his damn collar in order to herd him in the right direction because he's refusing to acknowledge my cries of COME HERE COME HERE HERE HERE HERE.
Truthfully, I want to be obeyed. Without question. Instantly. As though he were a tiny G.I., snapping to attention. And if that's not feasible (gosh, you think?), then at the very least I want him to understand the Motherly Line Which Shall Not Be Crossed, where my voice makes it clear we are Not Screwing Around and I Said Come Here Right Now.
This doesn't quite seem to be happening, though, and so I do the one thing that makes me sort of want to punch my own face: I nag. And repeat myself. DON'T. STOP. COME. I SAID. PUT THAT. GRAH. MRAH. ARGH.
Do you find yourself doing this too, or is your child an angelic example of perfect discipline? (And if they are, did you make use of a cattle prod during the formative years? I'm just, ah, wondering.)
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
Beth Mellinger 7-09-2008 @ 8:53AM
Oh My God I loved your article. I really thought I was the only one who had to do that with my son! He is 5 and trust me it does not get any easier. I love him to death but, he just will not listen and points out many things that I wish he would not. Such as how he loves my big fat stomach (ok so I could stand to lose a few pounds but geeze.) As far as listening goes I think it is a child like filter where they just do no hear us or care to hear us. Anyway, just found this site today and read your blog and had to let you know you are not alone.
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MamaChristy 7-09-2008 @ 9:19AM
Gosh this is timely. My son is almost four and it is the same in our house. In fact, last night my husband gave my son a bath and while putting on jammies, the little guy uttered "Good gracious... Good grief... Good LORD... That's what Mommy says when she gets frustrated with me." Laughed till I cried when my husband told me that. "Good gracious" comes after "For the thousandth time, don't DO that" often.
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mj12 7-09-2008 @ 9:31AM
You just summed up exactly how I feel right now perfectly! Last night I actually walked my 7 year old to her room and told her to stay there until she figured out how to turn her ears on.
Moments before that I was sputtering "Get off the counter, Get off the counter, Get off the counter, Get Off, Get OFF, GET OFFFFFFFFF. This was just one of a whole line of tirades that flew out of my mouth between walking in the door from work and oh I don't know, putting down my purse.
Our last few weeks seem to be filled with these outbursts from myself and my husband, aimed both at both of our daughters. So my husband is going to the book store on his lunch today to pick up a book we saw reviewed a little while ago called Have a New Kid by Friday by Dr. Kevin Leman. I have really high hopes that it gives us some new strategies to use as I am running out of ideas and patience!
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Jamie 7-09-2008 @ 9:57AM
My kids don't seem to really listen unless I'm gripping their upper arms a little too hard and hissing in their faces.
Lately I've also tried, "Put that down, or I'm canceling your birthday." (hissed, of course).
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pbhj 7-09-2008 @ 5:58PM
And when they call your bluff, will you "cancel their birthday" [i presume you mean party?]. I _try_ never to threaten things I won't go through with, no matter what he's done I think we should celebrate his birthday, postpone it maybe, not cancel though.
As for the post, we instruct what the fortunes will be for continued non-compliance, use a countdown 5..4..3..2..1 and then subsequently greater punishments.
* remove priveleges ("no treat"),
* confine ("sit on the step" - it's not a naughty step, just a step!),
* punish (smacked bottom, though usually it's enough to turn him around but occasionally I do have to follow through)].
Sometimes you just have to hold up five fingers and there's a grumpily reticent toddler stomping back in to line. Yes it's probably a bit tyrannical.
SART 7-09-2008 @ 10:31AM
We are so right there with you. Reeve is 3 and it's like he has invisible headphones on that have the magic ability to tune out anything I say that doesn't involve ice cream or the pool. We had a nice little 'chat' this morning about why Mom has the final say in whether the tooth germs have been properly vanquished. I bet I 'politely requested' that he remove his hand from his mouth at least 9,342 times.
I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that once we hit 4 (please let it be 4!) all this will go away and I will have a well-behaved demon child. Here's to hoping!
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JenniferW 7-09-2008 @ 11:14AM
I think you just pulled the words out of my brain and wrote them here because that is my son completely. It doesn't matter that he's two, he absolutely tunes me out or gives me the 'I hear you but I'm going to go do this other thing instead' look. Thank goodness they're so cute at this age, as it almost makes up for the direct defiance they display! lol
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JoAnn 7-09-2008 @ 11:39AM
Well my little one is still too young to start refusing to obey (heck, he still requires me to move him from one resting place to the next!!), but I am torn between being very excited for the toddler years and dreading them for this exact reason.
However- my nephew is 3. My mom and I were watching him a short while ago and after barking at him to stay in a certain area of the backyard a ga-jillion times he actually walked away from me and said "I don't HEEAARRR yoooouuu!!!". When I tried to discuss this with him, and explained that no one likes rude little boys, he looked at me and said "But, Mommy tells me I'm soooooo cute!"
g~ 7-09-2008 @ 12:04PM
Right there with you. It's one of those times when I remember (after a few seconds of nagging) that I probably need to get off of my ass and go make him do what I said--which kind of sucks when I am otherwise occupied and would like to just bark at them to get them to do what I want.
Man, where do we order those shock collars?
g~
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nonsoccermom 7-09-2008 @ 2:34PM
Oh, man, I totally know how you feel. It is SO HARD to get my son's attention at all, ever. He's almost six, and I get so sick of the sound of my voice going Alex Alex ALEX ALEX ALEX ALEX. ALEX!!! ARGH.
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queenoqueens 7-09-2008 @ 2:59PM
Oh yeah...the whole not listening thing. I wish I could say I remember it well, but unfortunately I'm still living it. I really do think kids have a strong filter against things they don't want to hear. That's why we remember our childhoods fondly. We filter all the bad stuff out!
BUT, I did run across a great trick when my eldest was a toddler.....counting. It was like a discovered a genie in a bottle. I hear it works because if you initially condition them to expect some sort of punishment a the count of 3, they become little pavlov dogs and snap to it when they hear '3' coming. It still works with the eldest ones, but they do need "reconditioning" on this technique every once in a while.
Having kids is great if you like listening to yourself talk, because that's pretty much the only person who's listening.
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Jenn 7-09-2008 @ 3:00PM
LOL....not only am i right there with you, but I have to say Bill Cosby Himself has got to be one of my all-time favorite comedy routines EVER.
The whole thing just makes me die laughing, even though I've seen it now about 20 times.
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pbhj 7-09-2008 @ 5:49PM
no reply buttons?
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pbhj 7-09-2008 @ 5:50PM
there are now!
Mary 7-10-2008 @ 1:24AM
Bill Cosby also has the routine where he comes home and his wife says, "I want you to go upstairs and shoot that boy in the face with a bazooka." And, um, I might have said that to my husband a few times over the years.
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Danielle 7-10-2008 @ 7:55AM
I often feel like I am talking to the thin air, Stop it, don't do that, LISTEN TO ME, etc. And my oldest is only 3.5. I am beginning to think that they are very clever and able to ignore us already!
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Kirsten 7-10-2008 @ 1:05PM
OMG. Hello, my life! I have become so annoyed with myself from all of the yelling that this week I made a plan to stop the nagging and screaming because really? NOT WORKING. So, I started figuring out in each situation what her "currency" is and being calm and consistent. For example "Come here please." Nothing. "Come here now." Nothing. "Mama has asked you to come here and I expect you to obey. If you don't come here right now then you won't be able to _______ (insert coveted toy/activity/privledge)" If she doesnt' do what I ask, she knows what is going to happen. We are 3 days into it and I cannot believe how much happier we all are. It is really working for us.
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CLM 7-10-2008 @ 5:15PM
I have absolutely no comments or advice: I simply want to say that I love you and I love Bill Cosby. You both make me laugh until I weep.
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Rutta_7701 7-10-2008 @ 9:13PM
I am so with you Linda. I tell people that I'm so sick of hearing my own voice lately.
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stephany 7-11-2008 @ 12:11AM
I love how you write what I'm thinking! The Bill Cosby line that my mother used on us was, "I brought you into this world and I can take you out!" As for my mom-deaf 3-yr-old, whenever he finally does comply, I thank him for listening... to which he retorts, "you're NOT welcome."
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