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My failed career as drill sergeant
Filed under: Toddlers Preschoolers
If you've ever listened to Bill Cosby's genius comedy routine Himself (if you haven't had the pleasure, may I recommend that you go ahead and buy the DVD right this instant? Okay then!), you know the skit titled "Brain Damage", right? Cosby's got this bit that goes something like, "All children have brain damage. You can't just say "come here", you have to send a barrage of heres. Come here, come here, come here, come here, come here! HERE! HERE! HERE!!!" I was thinking of that this past week during our vacation, which our toddler spent in perpetual Over-Stimulated Mode, as I heard a similar dialogue issuing forth from my own mouth: "Riley! Put that down! Put that down! Down! DOWN! DOOOOWN!"
Put that down, stop it, stop jumping, sit still, no, NO, NOOOO, don't touch that, that's not yours, I don't want to have to tell you again, etc etc etc. My god, I gave myself a lip-cramp from all the Disapproving Pursing I was doing.
I love so many things about Riley's age right now -- this nearly-3-years-old stage of silly games and weird conversations and random acts of utter hilarity -- but oh MAN it makes me crazy when my kid doesn't listen to me. He's officially old enough to FOLLOW MY COMMANDS and yet he's also officially old enough to STUBBORNLY REFUSE TO DO SO.
It was one thing when he was 18 months old and basically a horrifying combination of upright mobility + infanthood (seriously: 18 months, Worst Phase Ever) but now that he's all of three feet tall and able to call me out on my own bodily emissions ("Mommy, that sounded sumpin like a fart") I do NOT enjoy having to chase him and deploy the Maternal Eagle Claw of Death on his damn collar in order to herd him in the right direction because he's refusing to acknowledge my cries of COME HERE COME HERE HERE HERE HERE.
Truthfully, I want to be obeyed. Without question. Instantly. As though he were a tiny G.I., snapping to attention. And if that's not feasible (gosh, you think?), then at the very least I want him to understand the Motherly Line Which Shall Not Be Crossed, where my voice makes it clear we are Not Screwing Around and I Said Come Here Right Now.
This doesn't quite seem to be happening, though, and so I do the one thing that makes me sort of want to punch my own face: I nag. And repeat myself. DON'T. STOP. COME. I SAID. PUT THAT. GRAH. MRAH. ARGH.
Do you find yourself doing this too, or is your child an angelic example of perfect discipline? (And if they are, did you make use of a cattle prod during the formative years? I'm just, ah, wondering.)
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 2)
7-13-2008 @ 5:31PM
Miranda said...Wow, you hit the nail on the head. I have to agree. My daughter actually just turned two and I see a dramatic difference between now and 6 months ago. I totally agree that the 18 mo. stage is the absolute worst EVER! But now it's kind of bitter sweet. She knows more, she's capable of more. She know what she is and is not allowed to do....good.....but she's also figured out that she has free will...not so good. My daughter's big thing is begging and whining for things, which I for I DO NOT tolerate when I know she has words for asking that she knows she can use like a good girl. Still waiting for all that to come together for her in her little brain.
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7-15-2008 @ 9:43AM
Tanya G said...My oldests' favorite thing to say, when given a command he didn't particulary want to follow, was "Sorry! Can't hear you!" I think it should be mandatory for all soon to be parents to listen/watch Bill Cosby. My fave routine: "But dad, I'm Jesus Christ!"
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7-19-2008 @ 1:16AM
Angela said...Although my kids (5 and 2) are not angels, they listen well most days. One thing I've found works better than anything: When I want them to do something, I say, "I'm going to give you a command. Are you ready to obey?" Then when I tell them to do whatever, they're ready for it and they do it. Today when they kept climbing into the dark recesses of the WalMart shelves, I made them each put one hand on the cart and keep silent for about 10 minutes while I continued shopping. That worked today...
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7-19-2008 @ 2:49AM
jennyb said...Talk about "terrible two's", try getting 2 1/2 year old IDENTICAL TWIN, REDHEAD BOYS to listen!!! Not to mention their almost-nine-year-old brother(that's right, three boys, including toddler twins!!) doesn't hear most of what I say, and must oppose and argue with 95% of what he does hear. AAAHHHHHH! I am often found mumbling to myself, "Fine. Whatever, no one listens to me anyway, I'm just the Mom...I don't know why I bother to say anything, I may as well be talking to the wall..."
Did I mention the twins are in speech therapy also? Their expressive speech is pretty far behind, probably due to their advanced ability to problem-solve(i.e. do whatever it is that Mom just told you not to and/or retrieve what she thought she just moved out of your reach). Oh, and that twin-talk thing may play a part also. This means they understand perfectly what I'm saying, and what each other is saying, but I don't have that same luxury with them. I suppose it doesn't help that I keep interchanging their names...Do you think they'll catch on when they get older and take advantage of the fact that even their Mother has a hard time telling them apart(Yes, they are just that identical)?
Is summer almost over yet???? At least they're almost 3. Then the school district provides free special education preschool due to the speech delay-2 1/2 hours per day, 4 days per week, plus bus time to and from school. THREE HOURS EACH MORNING FOR FOUR DAYS PER WEEK, AND IT'S FREE??!!! Count me in!! Just in time for Christmas shopping!!! That is, if I still have enough of my sanity left to follow my list.....
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7-21-2008 @ 8:36PM
Julia said...Just happened to read this article online and could not stop smiling. I am a firm believer that however your child acts when they are going through their terrible twos or threes is exactly how they will act when they are teenagers. My son, now 17 is proof!!
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