First kid, second kid
(I know this subject's been done to death, but what can I say, IT'S ALL TRUE.)
1st kid: After dropping the pacifier on the floor, boil it for at least 5 minutes.
2nd kid: After dropping the pacifier on the floor, blow off any visible dog hair.
1st kid: Create a beautiful, peaceful nursery with an aquatic design theme and a bookshelf full of carefully arranged toys and books.
2nd kid: Toys and books spread all over house. "Theme" can be described as "extra storage room where a baby happens to sleep".
1st kid: Entertain the baby with expensive developmental toys featuring age-appropriate patterns and colors.
2nd kid: Hand the baby a plastic measuring cup.
1st kid: Expose baby to television rarely, and only in the form of Baby Einstein-branded DVDs.
2nd kid: Have baby watch HBO during his late-night feedings. Explain some of the more complicated Eff Words if need be.
1st kid: Immediately discard milk in bottle if it sits out more than ten minutes.
2nd kid: Immediately discard milk in bottle if there's a cat hair floating in it. Okay, two cat hairs.
1st kid: The baby's crying! Hurry, tend to him immediately!
2nd kid: Huh, the baby's crying. I hope it's not bothering the neighbors.
1st kid: Gingerly clip baby's nails with the special infant clipper, hyperventilating the entire time.
2nd kid: File baby's nails with your emory board while watching So You Think You Can Dance.
1st kid: Keep a detailed log of your baby's feedings and diaper contents, carefully updating it after every single feeding/diaper change.
2nd kid: Ha ha ha haaaaaa! ARE YOU KIDDING? HAAAAAA.
1st kid: Put adorable pair of Robeez on baby whenever you leave the house.
2nd kid: Cover baby's bare toes with your purse if someone gives you the stinkeye.
1st kid: Obsessively read infant development books so you can anticipate all upcoming milestones and fret over potential illnesses.
2nd kid: Enjoy baby.
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Start by teaching him that it is safe to do so.