Is it OK to lie to your kids?
Categories: Kids 5-7, Kids 8-11
Because of an argument I recently had with my mom, an article titled "House of lies: Is fibbing to your kids ever OK?" grabbed my attention.
A few months ago, my 8 and 6 year old spent spring break in Arizona visiting their grandparents. My kids are very close with my parents and while there, the subject of peer pressure came up in a conversation they were having about school with their grandmother. My mother explained that both children and adults are susceptible to peer pressure. As an example, she said it was like "when Uncle Pat goes out to smoke on the patio and convinces your Daddy to smoke with him.".
The problem is that our kids have no idea that their Dad has ever smoked cigarettes. My mom, apparently, didn't know that.
It's true that my husband, Sean, shared a cigarette with my brother a couple years ago. However, it is the rare social occasion where Sean smokes and it is always out of the sight of the kids.
When the kids returned home, one of the first things they told us was that Grandma told them "Daddy smoked with Uncle Pat." Clearly they were shocked and wanted to sort out the story. Totally surprised by the revelation, my husband told them that grandma must have been mistaken and left it at that. The kids believed him and that was the end of the story ... sort of.
When my mom found out, she was upset because she felt that Sean's explanation undermined her credibility with the kids. She also thinks that this could have been a teachable moment: children and adults must overcome temptations to give in to peer pressure -- even Daddy. More importantly, she insists that we should not lie to the children, lest they catch Sean smoking one day.
My husband and I do not believe that we need to tell our kids everything. While it would be best if Sean never smoked at all (and he hasn't in a long time), I agree with his decision to "lie" in this instance given how rarely he smokes. In this case, I do not think it is something we need to discuss or explain to the kids. Sometimes, withholding some information, especially when they are young, is for their own good.
So, is it OK to lie to your kids? Weigh in. Both my mom and I are curious about your answers.
To learn more about Rachel, visit her website @ www.rachelcamposduffy.com
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 3)
ninainindia 7-15-2008 @ 9:25AM
Yes it's okay to lie about a thing like this although I don't see why you would.
Actually in this specific case I think it's wrong to lie, because by your lie you are telling the children their grandmother lied to them! If I was her, I wouldn't be happy about that either.
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Jenni 7-15-2008 @ 12:36PM
You are so right. By telling a lie here, someone else was made to look like a liar. I do think in some situations it would be okay to lie, but a lie must have a positive purpose behind it. This one was clearly destructive to someone else.
Vicki 7-18-2008 @ 8:22PM
Absolutely, yes, it' okay to tell a white lie like that to your kids. That was not the time or place for the kids to find out about Daddy's secret "habit". Especially since it's not really a habit. You guys handled it well!
Nicole 7-15-2008 @ 10:04AM
I think it is ok to lie in this instance. I would have done the same thing and am sort of in the same position. My husband, also has an occasional cigarette-never in front of the kids. Also, my kids are not old enough to yet question it at all. My husband, and I feel that if they knew he smokes (even only occasionaly) that that could possibly contribute to them becoming future smokers. Obviously no parent wants their child to smoke. I also know that having a parent who smokes does increase the likelyhood of a child becoming a smoker themselves. I feel our kids look up to us and pick up on habits both bad and good. I want, both my husband and I to be responsible role models for our children and so if lying to them about it prevents them from ever thinking (It's ok to smoke my daddy does) then great!
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Misty 7-15-2008 @ 10:13AM
My husband and I agreed that we would never lie to our son, especially when he asked us a direct question. He's 15 now, and over the years, this policy has led to some uncomfortable admissions on our part. But we have a child who doesn't lie to us, and who respects that his parents made mistakes and learned from them.
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eileen 7-15-2008 @ 10:20AM
I defintely do not think that parents need to tell their children things about themselves that they feel uncomfortable with them knowing. Having said that, your mom did have a point about this situation being a teachable moment. I think it can be a good thing for kids to realize that mom and dad are not perfect and sometimes make bad decisions, I mean we all make mistakes and we try to teach our children not to make those same mistakes. My feeling is, that yes it is o.k to lie to your children at times, I think I would have been honest on this one however. I am sure your kids would not hold it against their Dad that he once in a blue moon has a cigarette. Try not to sweat the small stuff, I have to remind myself of that sometimes too, and this really is nothing to worry about.
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Chere 7-15-2008 @ 10:35AM
Wow Rachel,
That is a tough one. I think both of you have valid points. That particular situation probably should not have been discussed. However it was, and I think your mother really was trying to teach them a valuable lesson. Even parents have to face peer pressure and they do not always make the right choice. We do not always want our children to know about our bad habits even if they happen only once in awhile. I fully understand that.
This can be an opportunity to have an open discussion with them and explain, that yes, daddy did give into peer pressure and it was not a good thing, but sometimes adults make mistakes too. Then talk to them about peer pressure and you may want to explain that this was a one time occurence and how important it is for them to not follow the lead of their peers when they know that what they are doing is wrong, or it is something you wouldn't approve of. This can be a big learning opportunity for them, and they will see that everyone makes mistakes even adults.
With that being said children do not need to be privy to everything in their parent's lives, and I understand why you and Sean are not telling them the truth. But, kids are smart and they probably know that something sounds fishy so you may want to tell the truth on this one.
I think you and your mom should discuss what is off limits in discussions with your children, that way you could avoid this uncomfortable situation in the future. Again I think no harm was meant.
PS. In one of your post you wrote about your daughter not giving into peer pressure at a friend's house, so I think you guys are probably doing a wonderful job on teaching them to follow their own lead.
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Lisa S 7-15-2008 @ 11:15AM
I agree with your mom! Since she said what she did, you guys lost Grandma's credibility and possibly your own someday by lying. This from an ex-smoker who did admit to her kids that she used to smoke. And I think that will make them less likely to smoke, not more likely.
ALS 7-15-2008 @ 11:45AM
I think you should have been truthful to your kids. Being your husband isn't a habitual smoker, I feel it is a learning experience for your children. Even daddys make mistakes and as your mom said, fall victim to peer pressure. I also feel is was unfair to your mom. After all you are lying to cover up her truth.
You can't shield your kids from everything bad and if you try/do...you may have out of control kids once in college (or even before). My daughter is only 3 but I will grab onto these issues and use them to teach her so that others don't get to her first. And most of all...I feel if you lie to your kids, they will find out eventually. What message does that send?
Laurie Schwanke 7-15-2008 @ 11:08AM
I have three children aging from 14 to 9 years old.
As a child my biggest complaint is that my mother either never believed what I said or she not always honest with me.
Because of this as I became older I stopped going to her because why should I bother?
I have always been 100% honest with my kids. Even if the honest reply is “I want to answer you but right now I cannot think of a way to explain it and for you to understand.” “Can I think on it and get back to you?”
As my kids get order I want them to feel 100% comfortable in asking me ANYTHING. If you start lying about simple things how can a child trust that you will not on the big things?
The minute you start to lie or go back on a punishment you lose creditability as a parent.
In the case you wrote about how bad would it have been for your husband to admit he did smoke?
Isn’t it ok for kids to see that parents make mistakes and that we to learn from them? Kids learn not by what they are told but by what they see and hear.
When your husband told your kids that grandma was mistaken he indirectly undermined her. Kids remember things like this and next time a question comes into play your kids are going to believe Grandma even if she is correct.
In the long run honesty is the best policy because isn’t that what we want for ourselves?
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Baron 7-15-2008 @ 11:22AM
Chere is pretty much right, this was a good time to teach a lesson. Your kids are more than old enough, I think, to understand that adults do things they shouldn't do. It would've been best to just say something to the effect of smoking is bad and dad gave into pressure, but he shouldn't do it.
I don't think that telling lies is what you want to be doing, but you don't have to tell kids everything, that is for sure. I mean, I plan on going with Santa and the like because I know I enjoyed it, but if I was drinking a beer or something in front of her, I'd explain what I was doing. I wouldn't try to hide something like that.
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CLM 7-15-2008 @ 11:28AM
I think your mother meant well, but ultimately it was not her place to decide what is and is not a teachable moment. If the kids did not see their dad smoking, she was essentially tattling on him. Further, it's doubtful that it was truly a teachable moment, because it was completely second-hand. The teachable moment would have been if the kids actually saw their dad and Uncle Pat smoking.
I'm also a little put off by her argument that you are undermining her credibility by saying she just made a mistake. Is it not ok to make mistakes?
I would have gone with the lie and used it as an opportunity to
encourage my husband to NOT sneak out for a smoke since he's going to get caught at some point.
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Kellie 7-15-2008 @ 12:25PM
I do think it's ok that adutls keep things from children. It's usualyl to protect them. I do believe that if there is a possibility of the truth coming out before the kids are old enough to understand why they were lied to, then it can be a huge problem. Almost the exact thing happened to me when I was a kid so I will share my experience and how it changed my thinking.
When I was 11 I asked my parents if they had ever smoked. They told me never. One night at a family party I woke up and saw my dad smoking with my uncle on the front porch. My dad apparently was a once a year, one cigarette smoker. I honestly felt betrayed and for years after that I was completely suspicious of things he told me and lessons he tried to teach. I became so confused and his actions had completely undermined his words. I had thought no one was supposed to lie, but learning that he had, changed my whole thought process on choosing to do the right thing vs. the wrong thing. The security I had always felt and the confidence I had in my decisions became shaky and I began weighing my options in situations, started seeing gray areas, and thinking if I didn't get caught it didn't hurt anyone. That didn't change until I was about 17 and began to understand why they had lied. At 11 I couldn't understand it. Telling me that there are things kids just don't need to know completely confused me more. I thought being honest was always what we were supposed to do. Even if it was hard because that was what I was taught. Catching him in that lie really shook my foundation.
Because of this instance, Sean will probably never have that rare smoke again just in case. So, what if your kids find out the truth before they can understand why they needed to be protected? What if they hear someone talking about it down the road? Is there any footage of him on the TV smoking? What if they saw that? I don't know. I just feel like them finding out the truth in this case could cause them not to 100% trust or believe what you tell them. It could put cracks in the whole foundation that you have laid down.
It totally could have been a teachable moment and I think that you can still go back and talk about it. Share with them what your fears were about telling them the truth. That you realize the truth is necessary at all cost. That you want them to always trust you and you made a mistake. When I have had to go back and apologize to my son I tell him that there is no handbook for this and I am trying my best. That I made a mistake and I am trying to correct it. I am hoping when I do that he will trust me, see that it's ok to admit when one is wrong, always want to do what's right because I try to that, and that he is valued
I hope that made sense. I have had to come back to it a few times because my kids have needed me.
All that being said, I think you and Sean are awesome parents from what I have seen and what you have shard here. :)
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ang 7-15-2008 @ 12:35PM
I agree with Grandma. Although I don't believe you have to tell your children all personal details, I don't think lying accomplishes much. There are a lot of things your children do not know about you and your husband, and I doubt they expect to know everything.
And personally, I don't understand why you have to lie to your children about an occasional smoke. I learned at an early age that my father smoked when he was in the Army... and that my grandfather smoked... and neither bits of knowledge made smoking more attractive. In fact, both my father and grandfather gave me stories about how they quit, and from that I learned that they made a good though difficult choice for their health.
Grandma is family, and her credibility is important especially when she's telling the truth. There are more dire consequences to your children having the knowledge that you lied to them then the knowledge of your husband's occasional smoke.
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Dee 7-15-2008 @ 1:42PM
I'm sorry, but I agree with your mother. She should not have shared such sensitive information with your children without first clearing it with you and that was a huge mistake on her part. However, once the mistake was made, it very much became a teaching moment. My philosophy is a parent shouldn't be 100% open with their children, however, I do believe that a parent should be 100% honest with their children. Once the smoking came to light (whether through grandma's accidental slip of the tongue or one of your children catching your husband smoking), it was up to you to use it to teach them a meaningful lesson. Should they discover the truth later on down the road it will only make them wonder what else you lie to them about "to protect them."
bremarie03 7-15-2008 @ 1:00PM
I think it's okay to lie in some cases, but I don't think it was the best choice in this situation. It makes your mom look like a liar or a fool, depending on whether you said she was lying or mistaken. Plus, it was a great teaching moment. That we all make mistakes, that peer pressure is hard for even grown-ups to resist, that addiction is a very powerful thing; all great and necessary lessons. Kids don't need to think their parents are perfect.
Sorry, but your mom was right (IMO).
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Justin 7-15-2008 @ 1:55PM
This is almost a two wrongs don't make a right situation...
I agree that I think it's better to tell the truth to your children as much as humanly possible (Without exposing them to something they shouldn't be for their age, etc, etc...)
However, and this is a BIG however, your mom had absolutely no place or right to use the example that she did with your kids. If she wished to use a real life example, she should have used one with HERSELF. Not you, nor your husband. Myself if my mother had done such a thing with my children I would have been fuming mad with her. Her "credibility" has been lost, not by the fib, but more her exposing, what could be considered a sensitive or private moment, with your children, whom you have already chosen not to share that with.
Her knowing or not knowing about it doesn't excuse the fact that she tried to make an example out of someone where she should have only done so with an example of herself or someone's permission. That was the first wrong and the bigger wrong in this whole mess.
Granted your lie probably wasn't the best approach, there should have been no need to take that approach in the first place had your mother given a proper example. If she wants to build a good credibility with the children, perhaps showing an example of being a person they could TRUST as opposed to someone who blurts out the truth (Dirty truth at that) about anyone... Just because, ya know, it's being honest.
Sorry but the credit on this one goes to you. Not granny. It was her who overstepped the boundaries in the first place, and should have zero say in how you recovered her blunder, which she should have not made in the first place.
Telling the truth is a key thing in family... But also knowing when to keep your mouth shut and keep people's trust is just as important. Just because you're as honest as an angel, doesn't mean I'm going to like/trust/respect you at all.
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rebecca Biernesser 7-15-2008 @ 2:26PM
Well, I thought I would say the same as everyone else. I do think lying like saying there is a Santa Claus is okay and lying by omission is okay when dealing with age and certain questions. However, you flat out lied. Not only that, but you caused your kids to think G-ma lied. And to me that is wrong.
You knew your husband smoked on special occasion and I don't think anything is wrong with that. Some people drink on special occasion, not a big deal to me (notice I said to me). You could have explained that to your children and let them know that it's not peer pressure that tells him to do it, it's just something he does and left it at that.
My brother smokes and him and his wife choose to keep that a "secret" from their three girls. Execpt my brother choose to smoke in front of my children (oldest is 7) and everyone else in the family. So when my niece was with my mom and son and they saw someone smoking, she (niece) started talking about how gross it is/was. My son told her that it was gross and that's why uncle gary (her daddy) smokes. SHe started calling my son a liar and got really upset b/c my son wouldn't back down, after all he had seen her daddy smoke on several several occasions. My mom finally stepped in and told her that my son was not lying and she changed the subject. She later call my sister in law and told her what happened in case there was any questions. My sister in law finally broke down and confessed that daddy smokes and yes it's a ugly habit and she wished he would stop, but it was up to daddy to stop. Now? not such a big deal. He still smokes and not around his girls.
Your mom didn't have to point out that your husband smoked so she was in the wrong, but it's not use in hiding things like that b/c they can and will come out....
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lily 7-15-2008 @ 3:44PM
You should be ashamed of yourself. You the upstanding citizen you must be pretending to be. Your mother may not have used the best judgment but nobody knows how the conversation came to be. So now you and your husband BOTH lied to your child so you wouldn’t be “caught” doing what you must consider a bad thing, and you make your children think their grandmother lied.
Shame on you RCD. I will never feel the same way about you. Tsk, tsk.
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Margo 7-15-2008 @ 4:10PM
While I do feel that there are times that its ok to lie to a child to protect them. In this case I don't feel like it was to protect them at all it was Sean protecting himself. We try to hard to teach our kids truth and responsiblity and with this he underminded both of those. It could have been a very teachable and family chat time moment. Now the kids have a thought of grandma saying wrong things in their heads and you have most likely cause an uncomforablness for her also now not really being sure just how she had can talk to the kids about anything.
I read your blog all the time and think you guys are doing a wonderful job raising you kids. I don't mean to sound harsh at all this is just my opion on it.
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