Is it OK to lie to your kids?

I just have one question, if your husband states that your mother is mistaken in this situation, where does the line get drawn?
For example, if your children were to hear from someone other than your or your husband that you became pregnant before you were married, would you state it was true or explain the situation to them?
Its a really confusing debate to have as on one hand it is hurtful (to your mom) while on the other it seems like you are trying to shelter them from things you don't think they should be participating in for at least a while longer.
Only my opinion, and i could be wrong in that assumption, but am curious on what is considered ok to lie about vs what isn't.

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I do agree with your mom that this could have been a great opportunity to explain to your kids that everyone is susceptible to peer pressure. While telling the kids that grandma must have been mistaken was certainly a diplomatic approach, it still undermines her credibility with your kids: as far as they're concerned, Grandma lied to them about their dad. And if they ever catch him smoking or if he comes clean to them some day, there is an even bigger issue: daddy lied to US.

My concern about this situation is that the lesson that may come to light is that it's okay to lie when you get caught doing something wrong.

On the other hand, this is a great teachable moment for adults and how to deal with your own and other people's children.

It's not always necessary to tell your kids everything, especially things that are beyond the realm of their understanding. But when a sensitive issue comes up, it can be explained in an age-appropriate manner.

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Although I don't think you mom should have used that example, I agree with her. Your mother was not mistaken about your husband smoking. You could have used his smoking as an example of how adults sometimes make mistakes and so forth. Instead you created a mistake that your mother did not in fact make. Lie to your children about what you and your husband do if you want, but don't damage other people's integrity and make them look like fools in the process. Grandma wasn't mistaken and isn't a liar. You and your husband are.

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I really believe mom should not used such an example yes adults are not perfect nor should we claim to be. However smoking cigarettes is something not to be taken lightly. Millions of Americans are addicted to nicotine and many have cancer as a result. To know that your parent tried a cigarette makes it all the more okay for the child to think it is okay when they are older. I would be upset with mom for bringing up such info or using it as an example. Close relationship or not I believe mom could of used better judgement.

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Wow, Rachel. If you handled the smoking thing like this with your children, how will you will handle all the questions they will have concerning how and Sean behaved on television?

You may be able to shield your kids from Hannah Montana and High School Musical now, but don't think for one moment, with the advent of You Tube, etc. that your kids will not find out about the things you both did in your youth.

The funny thing about is is that your past is not that scandalous - every child knows people make mistakes or bad judgements.

You of all people know that things are considered "taboo" are that much more tempting.

You and Sean both had the opportunity to be honest with your kids but you both sacrificed your Mother's integrity just because you didn't want your children to know you are not what you have made yourself out to be.

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Sorry...I agree with your mother. As a teacher, I think it's best to tell the truth (when age appropriate) to use as a teachable moment. Once you start a lie to "look good", it forces everyone else to lie for you which isn't fair. However, if your mother knew your family's philosophy then skirting the issue or using a different example would have been more appropriate.

Great question. :-)

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I totally understand why you want to shield your children from various facts about yours & Sean's personal life experiences.

In time, some topics may be on the table for discussion while others remain forever off limits.

I happen to agree 100% with your worldview and how it pertains to the raising of your children. I get the big picture. I really do.

Your kids' perception of their father (of you both) was shaken by Grandma's comments.

Sean panicked......and lied.

He didn't do it to "cover his own butt," however. He did it to protect your kids from certain things about the real world (no pun intended) that they just don't need to deal with yet.

I love the idea that Grandma feels comfortable enough with the kids to follow through on a line of discussion when a window of opportunity opens up! How wonderful for YOU that your kids have an extended support system in their lives.

Keeping that point in mind, there WILL come a day when your children turn to others besides you and Sean for counsel. If your lucky, one of those "others" will be Grandma and not someone with whom you share a totally opposite worldview. Even if Grandma does not counsel them in the exact manner that you would prefer, you have to agree that she'll do it from a place of love for those kiddo's.

Her counsel will not be random. It will be specific to these children whom she dearly loves. She will never intentionally undermind your authority. She will do what is best for those kids in that moment.

Again, though you may not agree fully with her methods or examples, you WILL be glad she cares enough to do/say something rather than turn them away because she fears you may react badly to what she says.

Grandma needs to know she has your blessing to embrace the tough subjects with your kids when those moments arise without fear of backlash from you.

In order for that to happen, you and Sean have to come clean with your kids about Grandma's comments. It's not going to be easy, and it will confuse your children a bit. But you must consider the big picture.

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Both of you have valid points. However, Its my opinion that your mother overstepped her bounds by revealing that piece of information. That's something that, if the kids were to be told, should have been told by their parents. You can have the "smoking is bad" talk without dragging someone else through the mud to make the points. Not only does this make their father look bad, it gives the impression "well Daddy fell to peer pressure, I guess it's okay for me". Do as I say, not as I do.

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I agree with some of the others... Grandma didn't need to tell the children this... however, SEAN should have been honest - this is something HE needs to straighten out with the children.

And quite frankly, I don't think it's a case of peer pressure. Sean chooses to smoke a cig here and there - take responsibility for your actions and don't BLAME things on peer pressure. If you want to teach your children that smoking is wrong (which I agree should be taught) - teach it's wrong but take responsibility for your actions and then SEAN should learn from them and chose a bit more wisely next time. Otherwise, expect a child to blame peer pressure for why the tried alcohol or weed - teach them to take repsonsibilty for their actions!

Grandma should apologize to you and Sean IN FRONT of the children. You and Sean should apologize to Grandma for discounting her credibility with the children - IN FRONT of the children. And all 3 should explain Dad made a BAD decision - had nothing to do with peer pressure! and Daddy intends to learn from his decision. If daddy still wants to have a cigarette every now and then the lesson should be - this is an adult activity and should be approached with responsibility.

That's my 2cents! Good luck - will you let us know what happens? :)

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Wow, this really goes back to what my mother always told me .... lies turn into bigger lies. I agree with what several others have said -- the potential for your kids to someday find out that you lied to them about this is worse, far worse, than the stolen smoke. Grandma is almost beside the point here -- this is a pretty innocent (if it's really a once/year) event to have lied about.

It seems to me like you're struggling w/how to be a good role model vs. how to be perfect and have your kids put you on a pedestal. They're not the same thing. Maybe I just see this b'c my kids are older ... but you do not make your consistent message any less powerful, if you admit that you've learned from mistakes. Don't worry that if your kids know you've slipped up once or twice -- and still do from time to time -- that they won't respect you or look up to you. You're doing just fine ... perfection not necessary!

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I just want to add that I agree thorougly w/the previous poster ... this was not "peer pressure" at play as regards your husband's *choice.* Perhaps that's what makes it even harder to discuss w/your kids ... the fact that he was caught in a situation that displayed a bit of hypocrisy/compromised values. The only solution is to never smoke again, so he won't have to explain anything in the future -- but I have a feeling he's already made up his mind to do that. Becoming a parent usually pushes us to become our best/most responsible selves, and that's a good thing.

I disagree w/the previous poster, however, on the apology issue: don't make a mountain out of a molehill. Pulling 3 generations together is overkill, in my opinion. Chances are very good that the whole convo w/Grandma is long-forgotten by the kids; no need to dwell on it. I think that would be more confusing for them than anything else. Chalk it up to a learning experience on your part, and do everything you can in the future to role model the behavior you want them to emulate, and always show respect for their Grandma (as I'm sure you normally do). This is a blip on the radar screen.

Let me just also say that I don't answer every question my kids ask, particularly as regards issues I consider my private business (e.g. my husband's and my sex life). I don't have a problem saying, "That's too personal a question."

Finally, I feel the need to point out that, as other posters have mentioned, there has been a particularly judgmental tone to many of your posts of late. It's great to have strong values and be confident in your beliefs -- that's what gives kids a foundation and sense of security in life and the world would sure be boring if everyone had the same opinion/practices. However, too much self-assurance can lead to turning that judgment on oneself and lead to lies/hypocrises when you can't live up to your own super-human standards. Sorry to come off like such an armchair psychologist but believe me, I've learned this the hard way. One of the biggest gifts you can show your kids, is the gift of compassion and forgiveness, starting w/yourself. Not a laissez-faire, anything-goes and if-it-feels-good, do-it attitude, but true compassion. For instance, some parents (of both genders) are widowed, not divorced, and many of them rely on the convenience foods you mention in a previous column to get through the day, not because they're lazy or nutrition-illiterate. How do you think they would feel to see your comments implying they don't care about their children's health? It is truly wonderful that you're in a position to make sacrifices to be a sahm (I was one myself for 8 years) and cook w/(substantially more expensive) local/organic foods ... but don't ever forget your great fortune, either. Not everyone is so lucky and there are some good, kind, wonderful parents out there who also rely more than they'd like on Chef Boyardee and the like.

OK, sermon over!!

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momof2 well said!!!!!!!

i agree with you 100%

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To me, it depends on the age of the children and the subject area. I think talking to your children about smoking would not be a bad idea.Children nowadays are being exposed to these vices earlier than we were. I think it was innocently brought up, but it's a great way to bring up a subject area that may not be addressed to later time. Why not start now? I think the sooner the better on certain subjects. Now here's the other side that u guys have that other couples do not..u were on tv and possibilty of your children being exposed to shows and what you have done on the shows can come up...I think showing children that we make mistakes and learn from them, makes us human and makes us, as parents, easier to see as people who they can come to for help and/or insight...

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I agree that there is a need to lie by omission to your kids, especially when they are as young as yours are. However, in this case, grandma told the truth to them and when they confronted you guys, you two blatantly lied. Now they are confused. They may actually know that you are lying to them because logically why would grandma lie about this? Even though they are young, they are not stupid. Now it's possible that you have set up "smoking" as a forbidden (and enjoyable) thing we don't talk about, which only makes it attractive.

You can make this right by sitting down with them and explaining that Daddy forgot but now remembers smoking with Uncle Pat once. Then Daddy can say how terrible it was, Daddy coughed a lot, and that Daddy's lungs hurt afterward. Daddy can say he will never do it again and that we all make mistakes. It really is a great teachable moment.

One example from my life is that I asked my mom if she ever smoked pot (I was in my early teens), she told me that she "smoked it once," and she shrugged her shoulders as in "eh." I'm now 30 and I have never smoked pot. Now as an adult my dad says that my mother smoked a lot of pot in college (it was the early 70s). She told a half-truth, but her calm, no-big-deal reaction was what hit home with me. It was her answer and her attitude I needed to go the straight & narrow route.

Good luck. This one is a tough one.

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Anytime you have to admit to something you're not proud of makes for an uncomfortable situation. Especially, when it has to do with teaching your children. In this situation, I think I woud have admitted to what your mother told them, but led into a "Daddy made a bad decision because smoking is very dangerous for your health." You could have used this as an opportunity to teach your children about the dangers of smoking, dealing with peer pressure, and that honesty is the best policy.

Since your children are younger, I can see why you wouldn't want to disappoint them. But, they may be more disappointed in the future that you lied to them when they find out that your hubby did indulge in an occasional cigarette.

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As Human Beings we all make mistakes, some of the comments to Rachel’s blog are very mean spirited. Rachel, I think mistakes were made by your mother and your husband. Your mother should not discuss with your children the activities that transpire between adults when children are not around. When and if your husband is ever caught smoking, at that moment you discuss it with your children.

My six year old daughter is not my friend; I do not feel the need to share items about myself just in case she finds out. My husband and I preach a similar message to our six year old daughter about smoking. My husband does not smoke cigarettes, but will smoke a cigar every once in a while. I don’t deal with just in case, if my husband gets caught by my daughter we will deal with the issue at that time.

I can understand your mother’s hurt feelings, she loves her grand children, doesn’t want her relationship with them undermined. Sean was simply trying to avoid being undermined to his children. I think your husband if he still smokes occasionally should only admit to that event. Let them know smoking with their uncle was a mistake, perhaps pointing out a mistake they made when advised not to do something. Let your children know we all make mistakes, what’s important is the lessons learned from the mistakes we make.

I wonder how children coupe when they find out who Santa Clause Really is? Lying isn’t all bad! Rachel keep up the good post, I love your Blogs and your advice on AOL living.

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I agree that when it comes to drugs and alcohol - mom and dad should not be seen as experiementers and/or users. We should be 100% anti-drugs and alcohol (as if we ever really were).

My only issue is that Sean was seen smoking on TV. So it will be hard to back up that lie. I think that perhpas you need to fess up to this one, say that he's seen the errors of his ways and move on.

But don't be mad at mom - after all, she simply told the truth!

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So, Rachel, does this mean that you'll be lying to your children about your escapades in The Real World series? Then how do you recover their trust when they see you mashing with Puck on youtube?

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What about the time your brother told your Mom that you got a tatoo and your belly button pierced? When she confronted you - you lied.

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This is not a little lie about Santa or the Tooth Fairy. This is about something real that has an impact on them and it is disrespectful to lie to them about it. Yes I believe in being respectful to children, almost as if they were real people. Would you lie to your mother? Or your best friend? Why is it ok to lie to your children?
I have 4 children, ages 8, 18,21 and 23. I became a single mother soon after my third child was born. I was single a long time. I figured I better have a strategy, because they outnumbered me.
The first rule in our house was tell the truth. I was totally honest with all of my children. I had to be, because I wanted them to be truthful with me. I could not expect them to give me something I wouldn't give to them. Sometimes they asked me questions that made me uncomfortable. I still answered them. I expected absolute truth from them and I gave it in return.
My three older children are now in college and I never tire of my friends saying how wonderful they are and asking me how I did it.

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