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Is it OK to lie to your kids?
Because of an argument I recently had with my mom, an article titled "House of lies: Is fibbing to your kids ever OK?" grabbed my attention.
A few months ago, my 8 and 6 year old spent spring break in Arizona visiting their grandparents. My kids are very close with my parents and while there, the subject of peer pressure came up in a conversation they were having about school with their grandmother. My mother explained that both children and adults are susceptible to peer pressure. As an example, she said it was like "when Uncle Pat goes out to smoke on the patio and convinces your Daddy to smoke with him.".
The problem is that our kids have no idea that their Dad has ever smoked cigarettes. My mom, apparently, didn't know that.
It's true that my husband, Sean, shared a cigarette with my brother a couple years ago. However, it is the rare social occasion where Sean smokes and it is always out of the sight of the kids.
When the kids returned home, one of the first things they told us was that Grandma told them "Daddy smoked with Uncle Pat." Clearly they were shocked and wanted to sort out the story. Totally surprised by the revelation, my husband told them that grandma must have been mistaken and left it at that. The kids believed him and that was the end of the story ... sort of.
When my mom found out, she was upset because she felt that Sean's explanation undermined her credibility with the kids. She also thinks that this could have been a teachable moment: children and adults must overcome temptations to give in to peer pressure -- even Daddy. More importantly, she insists that we should not lie to the children, lest they catch Sean smoking one day.
My husband and I do not believe that we need to tell our kids everything. While it would be best if Sean never smoked at all (and he hasn't in a long time), I agree with his decision to "lie" in this instance given how rarely he smokes. In this case, I do not think it is something we need to discuss or explain to the kids. Sometimes, withholding some information, especially when they are young, is for their own good.
So, is it OK to lie to your kids? Weigh in. Both my mom and I are curious about your answers.
To learn more about Rachel, visit her website @ www.rachelcamposduffy.com
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ReaderComments (Page 3 of 3)
7-24-2008 @ 9:47PM
Tim said...It is never okay to lie to children. In this case, the parents missed a great opportunity at a teachable moment. A bad decision (smoking) is a bad decision, no matter how infrequent. Mom fails to realize that this is an opportunity to teach accountability for ones actions, rather than to try to justify poor choices. I would be interested to know if this is a Christian household.
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7-30-2008 @ 9:53PM
kristin said...If I'm incorrect in stating this, please disregard. I'm sensing the biggest problem you're dealing with in this scenario (and likely others) is your mom. Parents take in and know all kinds of information and we decide how much of it is developmentally appropriate to share with our children. With your husband being only an occasional smoker and your mom having no indication the children are aware of this, her decision to reveal this information to your kids seems one of two things: revenge/"getting back" or an indication of her lack of social/relational skills. I think your mom was quite out of line to take the liberty to reveal this information; there isn't a parent out there who doesn't keep certain personal behaviors "secret" from their kids--they don't need to be burdened with adult issues. At this point I would ask your husband to never smoke again, since it's not a problem, so the kids won't have the possibility of "catching" him and subsequently believing you lied to them. I don't think I'd be too concerned about how they view grandma--she overstepped her position and undermined the parenting choices of you and your husband. I understand that you believe your mom simply didn't know your children were unaware of their father's occasional cigarette which is always smoked out of their presence. I think her motives came from a much different place than naivety.
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8-08-2008 @ 12:04PM
ELR said...I'm with Grandma on this one. Not only did you lie once when denying Dad smoked occasionally and taught a valuable lesson that parents, too, can succumb to peer pressure...you lied twice when Grandma was undermined. How can children trust parents that can't be honest enough to admit WE ARE ALL imperfect? If impossible standards are set up from the get go children have only one way to go and that is failing these unrealistic standards.
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