Talking to children about death
Categories: Toddlers, Preschoolers, Kids 5-7, Resources, Religion & spirituality
"Where's your grandpa?" my three-year-old asked me one day, looking at a picture of my grandfather, who passed a way a couple of years before she was born. I could see that my five-year-old was looking at me intently. We've had this discussion before; she knew what my answer would be. But because she hasn't quite processed the information, she listens closely whenever we talk about a family member who's deceased. Teaching children about death is a lesson that many parents put off for as long as possible. But even children who have never experienced loss eventually notice that living things die. They may notice dead bugs on the sidewalk, a bird in their yard. Or they may notice that family members are missing. And eventually, they start asking questions. It's a really hard bubble to burst, and parents often feel uncomfortable introducing their children to such a difficult topic.
ParentCenter has some excellent tips for parents of young children who find themselves stumbling over these kinds of honest conversations. One of the more important things to remember is that preschoolers are very concrete in their knowledge, so telling them that a beloved pet or family member "went to sleep" or "went away" may cause more confusion and alarm. Instead, says ParentCenter, stick to the simple and age-appropriate facts.
At Hospice.net, there's advice for parents of children at any age who are dealing with or who have questions about loss. These are never easy conversations to have, but children will find comfort in the words of honest parents who take the time to help them explore this difficult issue.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
ivory 7-26-2008 @ 1:09PM
My mom passed away when I was 18, long before my girls were born, but we talk about her daily. They know her name, they know her face, they know stories from when I was little. They also know that we can't see her like we can see their other grandma, because Nana Bev got sick and died, but that she loves them very much. For me, it's been hugely healing to share with my girls how great my mom was, and I hope they don't grow up with the same "we do not speak about the dead" taboo that I did as a kid.
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ame s 7-26-2008 @ 2:31PM
My first husband died 3 months before our daughters turned 4 and 6. They knew he was very sick because he was in a hospital bed in the living room for almost a year.
The girls were spending the weekend with my parents when my husband died. It was very hard driving over there and telling them.
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Sabrina 7-26-2008 @ 5:58PM
My husband's grandmother just passed away on the 10th, my son's second birthday. We took both kids to the funeral home and the funeral. My 3yo daughter had a few questions. She wanted to know why we had to go to a sad place and what happened to Grandma. I told her the truth, that we had to go to the sad place to say goodbye to Grandma because she went to heaven. She wanted to know why everyone was sad, and I told her that they were sad because we couldn't see Grandma anymore now that she was in heaven. She went up with my sister-in-law to see Grandma's body (it was her choice, at first I tried to talk her out of it), and she turned her head away, and when SIL asked her if she was sad she said "No, I didn't know Grandma that well." She wanted to know why we took "Grandma's box" to the cemetary, and I told her that was where we needed to leave Grandma for God to take her up to heaven. She looked around for God for a long while, and then seemed to think for a while. They were both very compassionate and not at all scared. She hasn't asked me any more questions, but I know in time she will. I tried to tell her the truth as we believe it because I didn't want her to have wrong information. (Like "grandma went away" or "grandma went to heaven" or Grandma's just sleeping") To me, death is not grotesque or scary or taboo, it's a part of life, and best if we understand it and learn about it in an age-appropriate way.
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