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When the family pet dies
Filed under: Pets
Sitting there quietly mourning the passing of our family cat, who'd been put to sleep by a visiting vet an hour before, I knew that the hard part was not yet over. In a few minutes, my husband would pull up with our car full of happy kids, and we'd have to gently break the news to them that we'd lost a cherished pet. It was the first time either of them had lost someone they loved, and I definitely wasn't confident in how to handle what came next.There is a lot of good information out there on the web (believe me, I've read them all in the last week) for parents who are dealing with the death of a family pet. In general, they advise the parents be as honest with their kids as possible and, even though it's terribly difficult, let their child go the natural process of grief. What this means is that trying to lessen their grief by telling them Fido "went to sleep" or "went away," will only confuse them and cause them more alarm. It also means, as tempting as it may be to take everyone's mind of things, it's usually not appropriate to run out and get a replacement pet right away.
We prepared ourselves by reading articles on sites like PetPlace, BeliefNet, and AACAP, which all have sound advice. In addition to what the experts on those sites have to say, I'll share what we learned during this difficult experience:
- Be flexible. We thought that we'd spend the evening having a funeral and sharing memories, but it was clear by our kids' reactions that our plan would need to change. Instead, we said our goodbyes and went out to our favorite restaurant, then on to swim lessons. We held our funeral the next morning, after things had sunk in a little.
- Don't expect kids to grieve the same way as adults. It took one of my kids two full days to cry for her cat, and in the time leading up to that, she was either forced-happy or whiny and clingy. Once she had her big "release," the healing finally seemed to start.
- Plan a memorial. We painted a rock for the grave site, but if your animal can't be buried, you could also put together a small scrapbook or a memory box.
- Be concrete. Even if you plan to use this time to teach your kids about the after-life, most experts recommend that you also help children understand the basic biology of death. Fido won't walk/bark/eat/feel/see anymore; his body has stopped working. This part seemed especially important to my younger child, who keeps asking, "Will she still be buried tomorrow too?"
- If possible, visit your local library ahead of time. We liked the books The Tenth Good Thing About Barney, I Will Always Love You, and Let's Talk About When Your Pet Dies for our young children.
- Everyone will need a little extra TLC during this time, even yourself. Losing a beloved pet is difficult enough, but helping your children grasp the situation can make it especially wrenching.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
8-03-2008 @ 3:15PM
Heather said...We recently lost our pet gerbil. I know it isn't quite the same as a cat or a dog, but the kids loved her all the same. We just told our kids (ages 6 and 3) that sometimes animals just get sick or hurt and we may or may not know about it. Or they could just be old. We told them that she may have been in pain, but now she isn't anymore.
We also told them that the same thing happens to people sometimes. We may not know why people or animals die all the time, but they do.
Our 6 yo took it pretty hard, but he felt better after we showed him pictures we had of our gerbil being alive and happy.
The thing that really stinks, is that we went and "replaced" the one gerbil with 2 and they both died within 2 weeks. :(
I think we will wait to get more.
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8-04-2008 @ 10:24AM
pamela said...i think its alot easier to just say your pet has gone to kitty heaven, dog heaven or whatever kind of pet it is, usually a kid understands by then what your talking about, instead of dragging on a funeral or anything else, time heals a broken heart and then you can get another pet sometime down the road.
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8-03-2008 @ 7:04PM
Heather said...Also don't do it behind your kids back. They do need to know. If my parents had done that I would be so angry not just upset from the death of the pet, because I would have wanted to be there. They should have that choice.
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8-04-2008 @ 12:39AM
HMWickedQueen said...There's a wonderful book by Cynthia Rylant called "Dog Heaven." It really helped my two boys when our cocker spaniel, Abby, died. There's also a "Cat Heaven" by the same author.
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