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Engaged and underage
Filed under: Life & Style, That's Entertainment, Sex
As you may be aware, MTV has a show on the air called Engaged and Underage. Now in its second season, the show follows young couples headed down the aisle--couples family and friends think are too young to be doing so. Last year's season introduced us to couples facing more than just age discrimination. One couple dealt with interracial tensions from their families and another with a pregnancy. The show purports to follow the couples around reality-television style, monitoring the drama but not helping to create it.
Naturally a lot of hype surrounds this programming. Reality shows are primed to be as explosive and controversial as possible. Whether you believe in reality television or not, it's best not to question that they tend to present people in less than their best light. As far as this show is concerned, although the publicity from the show claims to simply follow these people around, I get the impression they're courting controversy as much as possible.
The question is, just how young is too young to get married? These kids are out of high school. Some of them are in their early twenties. That sounds like an adult to me. If you're old enough to get drafted, shouldn't you be old enough to get married? State laws can help a couple decide when they can legally tie the knot, but other than that it's pressure from friends, family and society that sway most couples to either get married, or, as a recent trend has continued, wait until they're much older--or not get married at all!
Have you seen the show? Do you agree with the programming or the decision to share the stories of these young couples with the world? Just how young is too young to get married?
Pic of engagement ring by Rubyran.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
8-06-2008 @ 2:37PM
fatherferapont said...This show rocks. I'm tired of everyone saying that you shouldn't get married until well into your 40s so that you have to use fertility treatments to concieve your family. Yeah, when you're young you make mistakes. Okay, guess what? You still make mistakes when you're old. The prime age to get married and have kids is before your pre-frontal cortex has completely developed. After that, it's too late to bond and you're going to be alone or alone-together forever.
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8-06-2008 @ 9:37PM
Jane said...I have never hear of this pre-frontal cortex BS, but I certainly have heard OVER and OVER how a couple is more likely to divorce if they are under 25. Even though there are young couples who last, the statistics CLEARLY show a higher chance for divorce. What about widowed adults? You've never heard of senior citizens who met late in life and fallen in life? What about someone divorced in their 50s? I guess they should stop trying to find love because you say so. If you can't bond past the age of 40, there would be 100% divorce rate since nobody would be able to stay bonded to their spouse! 18 year olds are completely different than in the past. For the most part, they are not expected to mature as quickly as my grandparents, who happened to marry very young. Adulthood is pushed back more and more, at one point 14 year olds got married, but today the idea would be ludicrous! I have yet to meet one 18 year old who is mature enough to stay married. I don't care what the law states, these are KIDS who just graduated HIGH SCHOOL. They are going to change a lot from now until their 30s. They also know nothing about marriage or the work it requires. They think as long as you are in love, that's all that counts. Well, a lot of divorced people will tell you they were once madly in love but marriage is not a Cinderella fairytale! And to your comment about fertility, that will one day be a thing of the past as women will be able to freeze their eggs. Also, what about people who don't want kids OR something called adoption?
8-06-2008 @ 3:19PM
Tami said...My husband and I got married when I was 21 and he was 22. This coming March will be our ten year anniversary. I'm not saying it's for everyone, but it was certainly the right choice for us. I will say, though, that we both have a religious world view that has been extremely influential to us and has been a great help in to us when we were going through rough patches. I find that most couples who marry young and stay married seem to have a religious world view that heavily influences their behavior within their marriage and their view of marriage. That's not to say that religious people never get divorced, or non-religious people never stay married. It's just my anecdotal experience.
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8-06-2008 @ 4:45PM
Michelle Logan said...I married my husband when I was 18 and he was 20. We have been married now for a year and are happy then ever. But we also had thought it though for months and had worked out alot of details before such as raising children, where we would live, and how we would live. We are also religious in the fact that we do not believe in divorce unless one partner cheats or is abusive. We knew that when we made our vows that it was forever and we knew what that meant. A lot of young people do not realize what a commitment it is. To add more to our situation we have a 16 month old, I have a chronic pain condition, he works fulltime, and is a volunteer firefighter, I have a parttime job and when not working stay home with my son. So no matter the stresses if you are commited and know what you want you can do it no matter your age.
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8-06-2008 @ 6:19PM
ame s said...I married at 20 to the man I started dating when I was 14 and he was 17. I was widowed 5 years ago after being married for almost 15 years.
We were married 8 years before the birth of our first daughter, followed by our second 2 days short of 2 years later. I do regret marrying so young because I was such a different person at 30 than I was at 20. I made the transition to parenthood much easier than he did. He had become quite comfortable being my top priority for 8 years and just didn't adjust well. If not for the children we had together, I would regret marrying him in the first place.
On the other hand, my parents married when my mom was 19 and my dad was 17. Although he had graduated high school, he had to have his dad's signature to apply for the marriage license ;) My parents celebrated their 40th anniversary earlier this year. It hasn't been 40 years of daily sunshine and roses, but they are still happy together. Funny note: neither had the option of "running back home" if things got tough, because a few months after they married, my mom's mom married my dad's dad! They were married for 20 years before dying 3 weeks apart.
I think it depends on the maturity of the couple involved. It also depends on if the couple is able to deal with the changes in one another and within themselves as they get older. I know people who married young and have had wonderful marriages. I also know people my age who aren't ready to marry.
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8-06-2008 @ 6:59PM
Eileen said...I married my husband when I was 19 and he was 20. We started dating at 15 and 16 and have been together ever since. This September we will be married 16 years and we have 3 children, our oldest did not come along for a few years after we were married. I never thought that I would get married quite that young, but he was in the Marines and we hated being apart. I would not recommend someone so young to get married, generally speaking, it's a very bad idead! Most of our family was very against it, his more then mine, but, we just knew that it would work, and it's kind of nice to hear my mother-in-law admit she was wrong. If I could go back in time I would do it all over again!
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8-06-2008 @ 7:19PM
Tamyu said...I haven`t watched the show - and can`t, as I live outside the US...
I married my husband when I was 20 and he was 21. We were still students, with interracial issues and living in a country foreign to one of us tossed in the deal. We have a child (born in our 4th year of marriage) - who to top off the "likely to divorce" trait list - has serious medical issues and a development disorder.
And yet, we`re just as happy and satisfied now as we were when we made the choice to get married. We`re coming up on 8 years of marriage without a single real fight (Occasional bickering - yes. Occasional heated discussions - yes. Yelling, name calling or insult hurdling - not even once.)
We both finished university, and are most definitely not living in poverty (something many people see young marriages as leading to). We bought our own home (without resorting to crazy loan schemes) 4 years ago.
Some people have the maturity to make early commitments - others don`t their entire lives. There isn`t any set age where you can say "Yes, they`re old enough now!". Nor do I believe there is any magical set of traits that will mark someone as being ready. Either you are or you`re not. Making the assumption that all young couples are destined for failure is as silly as assuming that a marriage that starts in the 30s is going to last.
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8-06-2008 @ 11:16PM
Sara said...Read this great article about what divorce lawyers can teach us about marriage, specifically about getting married young. They know all too well about what causes the break down in marriages, and not one of them suggested getting married young from their countless experiences with couples.
http://coaches.aol.com/love-and-sex/wendy-jaffe/staying-married
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8-06-2008 @ 11:21PM
Sara said...I just wanted to add that if you did get married young and your marriage was a success, good for you because you are the exception. Getting married young will in no way work for most people. There are so many studies that confirm young marriages are more likely to end in divorce. There's even a phrase for it: "starter marriage."
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8-07-2008 @ 2:50AM
Tamyu said...While you`re right that those who successfully married young are exceptions - I think it`s very important to point out that those exceptions do indeed exist. Any marriage could certainly do better with the support of the families and those around them. When it`s a marriage assumed to be heading for doom, that support is pretty rare. Most of the time it`s replaced with negativity and "told-you-so" at any hints of a problem. ANY marriage would suffer under those circumstances.
Do I think people should encourage young marriages? No - but for those that have already happened, I believe more would last with support. If more people know that there are exceptions and that there is the potential that it really is a lifelong commitment, that important support will be all the more forthcoming. Making quick assumptions about the viability of a marriage based only on age is, as I said before, just as bad as making the assumption that the marriage will work based only upon age. That isn`t realistic. You also have to take other things into account. When it comes to a young marriage, everyone only looks at the age and never bothers with taking anything else into account - The maturity of the couple, other issues that will help/hurt a marriage. There is a higher likelihood that those things will be an issue with a young couple - but you need to actually *look* and not just base judgment upon age.
8-06-2008 @ 11:27PM
pamela said...if you ask me that show is a joke!!! all its doing is glamourizing young marrage, its rediculous, it's saying , oh its ok to get married and have kids at 16 years old, mtv should be ashamed of thier selves for even having it on the air what a waste of tv time!!! i've been with my "husband" for 16 yrs, and we have been together since i was 18. we waited 7 years to have a baby, i was 25 he was 28, we didnt have to be childish and have to get married just to be cool! and we are still not leagally married yet, but i call him my husband beacause we've been together for 16 yrs so it still does'nt even matter to us that its not on paper yet. i hope it works out for these youngns, but i think mtv is making themselves look bad for having the show!!!!!!!!! more power to ya
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8-07-2008 @ 7:42AM
Abby said...I've seen the show and I hope these people who are on realize the magnitude of the commitment they are making. However, with the accessibility and acceptance of divorce, I fear that many of those young people will end up in it--because realistically they don't seem mature enough to handle the challenges of marriage. Marriage to begin with is difficult, add the fact that the two people involved are also "growing up" together, and you've got more complications added to an already complicated situation.
I got married when I was 18 and my husband was 21. Yes we were young, but this year marks our 13th anniversary. It hasn't been easy--but marriage to begin with is full of obstacles and compromise regardless of how old you are when you get married. He and I learned a lot early on to make our marriage work: we learned communicating with one another helped fight off resentment and misconceptions, so we made it a point to be honest to one another--even if it may hurt the other person's feelings; and compromise doesn't mean one person giving in to the other's demand--it means really working out a solution that would benefit both, while still considering each person's wants.
I think both people--regardless of their age--should be mature enough to handle the pressures of marriage. My husband and I came into our marriage with eyes wide open--knowing we would have a harder time because we were both so young and still had a lot of growing up to do--but we had no false expectations that the other person would magically become our "dream spouse" overnight. There is no magic formula for a happy marriage--we work at it everyday and we make sure that we are each other's number one priority.
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8-07-2008 @ 1:05PM
MsC said...I've never seen the show, but I would say it's pretty obvious that they're courting controversy (or at least scandalized interest) by sticking 'underage' in the title, when apparently they mean 'under the average age of marrying couples in the US'.
I married at 22. I'm still happily married at 30. I don't think it's for everyone. I also don't think waiting till 35 or 40 is for everyone either. I think age is much less a problem than the expectations v reality of marriage problem that persist in many people well past their 20s.
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8-08-2008 @ 11:55AM
Carolyn said...I wouldn't consider early 20s to be "underage" - I would consider it young to get married. But not necessarily TOO young.
I think for me 20 would have been too young. I don't know if I had the emotional maturity yet. My now-husband and I have been together since high school, but back in those days too often I'd solve fights by slamming doors and sobbing to my girlfriends. That's definitely not every 20 year old, but it was me.
We were together for 10 years before we got married at 27. I don't think you can really stick an age on "readiness" - everyone's different.
Carolyn
http://www.momsontheedge.ca
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8-25-2008 @ 7:21PM
maritza said...i dont think there is anything wrong with mtv showing reality. there are a lot of people who have been getting married young. Thats how it was back in the days when the mortality rate was short. now though its long.. but there are young couples getting engaged.
i am 20 yrs old and i am engaged ive been with my fiance for 3 yrs now. i believe to live in the moment and if it dosent work out then thats what god wants. divorce is not uncommon anymore and if it happens u would stil have a chance to meet someone else because you wont be too old.
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