I just do not freak out at the questions.

We have been talking about sex, our bodies, etc. since day one. It just wasn't a big deal. My daughter is relatively sheltered in that she hasn't seen graphic tv shows or movies, has closely monitored friendships (with parents that I know well), etc. But, I've never had a problem discussing anything with her.

Most of the time I think parents want to tell too much or go into too much detail. I think it is important to find out what they are really asking.

A blow job is just a sexual act between two people. That is probably enough for an 8 year old. Don't say more than that unless pressed further. If pressed further, just describe it without emotional response. I guarantee you most kids would just say, "Ewww!"

When things have come up, I usually answer matter of factly, and then I insert our morality in the situation. I generally refer to sex as something best done between married couples. As time passed, I've expanded on the "why".You can put your own particular spin on it, but it really just isn't that big a deal.

I remember when in third grade, my daughter and her friends were discussing sex on the playground. She came home with some comments and I made a big deal about discussing these things with me and that I'd always giver her honest answers and that friends often had misinformation. I let the parents of the other children know about the discussion and was shocked that a couple refused to believe it.

In fourth grade she wanted a more encompassing answer about sex, pregnancy, etc. We had always discussed the egg, etc. but now she wanted to know exactly how that worked. I started at the beginning and when I got to actually intercourse, she stopped me and said that since she obviously wasn't going to be having sex anytime soon, she didn't really want to know. Then in fifth grade when they had the class at school (which I carefully screened ahead of time) we discussed intercourse.

It is a shame that kids are exposed to things at an early age, but I think the key is not to freak out, and just answer the questions they ask. Talk about everything openly as things come up. Heck, my daughter (and son) have known about menstration since they were toddlers. Each year they gain additional information. Don't try to read too much into their question or go too far in your explanation. Answer each question honestly, but don't elaborate unless they ask you to. Sometimes they aren't asking the question you think they are.

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I agree with Karen. The "sex talk" should be an ongoing discussion, where the parent calmly and truthfully answers questions as they come up in an age appropriate fashion, and where the parent introduces topics as the child becomes ready to deal with them.

I had the discussion about "your private body" that no one is allowed to touch with my daughter when she was two. Every once in a while (usually when I've heard some horrifying story on the news about an abused child, unfortunately) I will revisit the issue. "Can you point to your private body?" "Is anyone allowed to touch you there?" "You know that if someone does, you're to tell Mommy and Daddy right away, no matter what the person says, right?" "We don't keep secrets from each other in our family," etc. We also allow her to wash her own "private body" in the bath, rather than having us do it for her. She knows that it's only ok for someone to touch her there when they're helping her clean up after going potty, or previously, when they were changing her diaper.

As for commercials, etc. we only watch Disney and PBS (no commercials) and we TiVo everything else so we can skip the commercials! They've seen the odd ad for Viagra, etc. during Wheel of Fortune, but they've never paid any attention (my kids are 3 and 1-1/2). When those commercials come on, I start asking questions or talking to the kids to distract them.

My niece is 8. I think if she asked me what a b job is, I would say, "Ask your parents!" hahaha... But if she were mine, "It's a way that two adults can make each other feel good," would be a sufficient answer, I think. If pressed for details, I might add, "with their mouths," but I don't think I'd diagram it or anything. A lot depends on the individual kid, I think, and his or her maturity level, curiosity level, etc.

I remember in middle school, I heard someone call someone a "dildo" and I thought it was a funny word. I didn't know what it meant, so I ran around using it for a couple weeks before someone finally clued me in, and I was so embarrassed! I'd rather arm my kids with the truth.

My mom was always very upfront and truthful with us about sex, and while it was kind of embarrassing at the time, and we have a good laugh about it now, I know I always appreciated knowing that I could go to her for straight answers. It didn't always stop me from making stupid choices, but at least I knew what risks I was taking.

Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

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Karen said it so well that I'm not sure what I can add, other than to agree that the key is to handle those questions very matter-of-factly while not providing more information than they can process. The more information you can provide your children, the more empowered they will be...and they will be armed with FACTS when presented with stories on the playground.

Violence is what I believe should be worried about exposing our children to. Sex and love I can explain; mindless violence I can not.

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I have 2 girls - 14 and 8. I remember being those ages and I think, while it was a more innocent time, I knew a lot more or talked about a lot more with my friends than my girls do. I have always been open and discussed things in an age - appropriate way. My 14 year old and I have had quite a few discussions about sex and bodies and relationships but I take my ques from her - I don't go into too much detail, let her ask questions and when she is through we stop. Even though she's 14 she's still in the "ick" phase where a lot of that is concerned. Fine with me! :-)

There's a new show called "The Secret Life of the American Teen". It's by the people who did "7th Heaven". We tivo it and watch it together. Some of the themes and situations are a bit much but I really use it as an opportunity to talk about things she'll be hearing or seeing when she starts high school in the fall. One thing I thought was really interesting - after watching the first show she said "I didn't think kids in high school had sex!". I just told her that some do but a lot don't. That while kids may think they're ready - truth is most kids that age are not emotionally equipped to handle everything that comes along with being sexually active.

The roughest part about the wonderful dialog that show started with us...she asked questions about ME and my sex life when I was younger! YIKES!!! :-)

Like other commenters...I try to stay calm, be honest and answer all their questions or tell them what I think they need to know/understand. I'd rather they understand what issues or pressures they might be faced with and feel confident enough to stand up for themselves and what they know is right!

xo

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I have an eight year old, who has been blissfully unaware of things relating to sex. I know that questions and curiosity are on the horizon, so I appreciate this post, Rachel. I wan to know more about the book, which I will google, bit got this message via your link "Our web servers cannot find the page or file you asked for. The link you followed may be broken or expired."

Thanks to the other comment authors for your insight!

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I have a 5-year-old and a 11 month-old and haven't had to deal with questions yet, but I will tell you my story.

I came home from kindergarten with a Christmas card from a boy in my class when I was 5. Inside the card it said something about us having a sleepover and "humping" in bed. I cannot believe I remember this, but I do. I asked my mom what humping was. She gave me a no frills version of the sexual act. When a man and a woman love each other this is how a baby is made....etc. Very cut and dry. Just the basic penis and vagina story.

I remember my mom seeming so comfortable telling me this ( I also remember being SO grossed out) that it made it so easy for me to go back to her in 5th grade for the whole story. I said, "Remember our talk about sex when I was little? Can we talk more about it?" She said yes and that is when she told me all about it. Erections, sperm, fallopian tubes, uterus...all the good stuff.

We have never had a problem talking about sex ever. The weekend before I got married she took me out to lunch and asked if I had any questions about anything and she even gave me a few pointers (tastefully of course). I wasn't a virgin at that point, but I wasn't experienced either.

I hope to have a similar relationship with my kids (daughter mainly) and hope that they feel open enough to come to us as I did. I think acting comfortable even if you aren't really helps.

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Ok I have a 14yr old stepdaughter who lives with me and her mom refuses to talk with her about anything because it makes the mom "uncomfortable". I have a 9 and 7yr old (girls) and we talk about everything. My 9yr came home one day crying because some kids were making fun of her and her friend (boy) saying that they were going to "french kiss"....she asked me what this was with her little sis in the car and I asked them if they really wanted to know, they said yes and I told them the truth. "its where a boy puts his tongue in a girls mouth while they kiss"...this got me the ewwwwww response and I assured them that for the next few yrs it really is gross :)

I try to be honest and upfront....we have had the "why does she have 2 mommies" talk, and why can't you make G my new daddy? (well your daddy is more his type :O ).....you need to give kids the truth but only in a way they can handle with as much info as they can handle.

I do not want to be a grandma because my teen was told that if your on top and do jumping jacks right after sex you can't get pregnant....my mom fell for this and well we can see how truthful that info was since I am here typing this :O

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I agree with the comments that this has to be an ongoing, age appropriate discussion. Also, while my children are also protected from graphic TV and movies, they pick up A LOT of things at school...much to my chagrin. Better to be proactive and start the conversation slowly so that they will come to you with questions.
Good Luck!
Spring
www.SignsOfFaithBook.com

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I would recommend the book Prude to you. It's all about hte overly sexual environment that USA has grown into and how it's affecting the lives of our children and ourselves.

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I was so pleased to see the above discussion. I actually just wrote a book called HUMP: TRUE TALES OF SEX AFTER KIDS. There's a chapter called "Talk to me, Babies" about the "myriad conversations" I have with my kids (now 6,8 and 10) about sex. The key--as suggested above--seems to be a matter-of-fact attitude and not over-answering their questions.

The last chapter in the book, though, speaks to the fact that my kids are still relatively naive about all matters of sex. Answering a question about a blow job is more daunting than a sweet inquiry about egg and sperm.

I'm glad to hear from the comments above that the same general concepts still function even when the conversation gets more involved!

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I think the most important thing, whatever happens, is not to avoid talking about sex with our children. It's one thing to think about "How will I answer difficult questions?" but it's another thing completely to think about, "What will I say if they *don't* ask any questions?" I can assure you, that doesn't mean they are not curious. It means they are getting their information from other sources... which can be extremely scary.

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Hi, I am actually a teen but I do feel that I am mature enough to speak about this subject! First off if you say that you want people to be able to speak freely why can't Katie say whatever she wishes if it's her oppinion! Also I am pretty much conservative and I do feel that our society is overly sexualized and just watch tv for 5 minutes and record or something everytime you hear something immature! I do not mean watch presidental debates or anything but like MTV or ABC Family or something! Now I have a little cousin who is 7 and a little cousin who is almost 4 and they have BOTH kissed their "boyfriends" The 7 year old has only one boyfriend but she has kissed him! But the 4 year old has 2 boyfriends and has kissed at least one of them! We had a 7th grader that when i was in 8th grade was pregnant! So I couldn't believe that people could get so immature because someone posted a comment that was not in their beliefs! I absolutely appauls me and go ahead pick on me! I am only 15 only 16 but go ahead. It won't bother me because i can hold a debate so if anyone wants to comment and debate with me go ahead i will!

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I'm doing everything I can to keep my kids under the umbrella of my protection for as long as possible. I will not address certain topics with my children until I feel the time is right. An "ongoing dicussion" is certainly a good idea, creating a comfortable line of communication between parent & child. But I'm taking a different approach with my kids......this time around. My older children are young adults now. I spoke freely with them regarding the more sensitive topics. I don't like the end results I'm now seeing by using that method. My young ones are overly sheltered and overly protected, and that's just the way I want it. If my 8 year old child asked me what a b-job was, I'd tell him/her that it's an adult topic and not to give it another thought. If my middle school aged child asked me the same question, I would schedule some one on one special time with that child to discuss that issue as well as any others that spring forth from said conversation. There is absolutely no reason an 8 year old should be forced to process adult based information just because they asked about it. I'm not obligated to answer sex related questions if I determine the subject matter to be inappropriate. Just because someone else's 8 year old knows more than they should about private adult matters and discusses it in the presence of my child/ren does not mean I have to lower my standards of parenting and "explain" what that child was talking about. I refuse to place the burden of "knowledge" on my young child by flooding his/her innocent mind with titillating images that play no part in his/her current development. The simple answer of "That's something for me to be concerned with, not you," relieves the child of having to know more than they really WANT to know. I know my children better than anyone else, and I'll know when and how to approach various subject matter with them as individuals.

Just the other day a 1st grade little girl came over to play at our house. All the children were playing with the Dora dollhouse. The first thing this girl did was to announce that Dora & Diego were boyfriend & girlfriend and made the two dolls start kissing. My childrens eyes were wide as saucers and quickly stepped in. "No, Dora & Diego are FRIENDS. They have many adventures to take, none of which involves kissing." I proceded to tell her that in OUR house, that type of "play" in not something we do. She may have been slightly embarassed by my comments, but in that moment I laid the groundwork for future interactions with my kids. I think this child was suprised by the fact that I was there, listening and watching, as she played side by side with my children. I'm guessing her playtime at home isn't as highly supervised as it is here, I have a feeling she would not have turned Dora & Diego into more than friends had she realized I was as close as I was. I know for SURE my kids will NOT be playing at her house........though she will always be welcome to play here, and play by our rules. I WILL be known as the prudish mom on the block, and this WILL be a safe house for all my children's friends in the years to come.

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I am 21 years old and am several years away from being a wife or a mother. However, I still recall my pre-teen years quite well, so I feel I can offer some insight on this topic. I come from a conservative family, and my parents and I have never had any sort of sex talk. I remember asking my mom if you had to be naked to have sex when I was 11 or 12 years old. She replied "not necessarily" and left it at that. My intention was to use the question as a conversation starter. My fifth grade class had just finished discussing our growing bodies, and there were still some things that I was curious about, so I went to my mom for information. However, her vague answer and quick change of subject left me feeling embarrassed, and I've never asked her another sex related question since. Instead, I learned the answers to my questions from other kids on the school bus. I guarantee you, this is NOT a good source for your children to get their questions answered.

Despite the lack of discussion between myself and my parents, I like to think that I've turned out alright. I was far from being "promiscuous" as a teenager. I think that lifestyle is the result of a lack of parental attention rather than a discussion (or lack thereof) of sex.

Looking back, however, I do think my mom missed an excellent opportunity to have a meaningful conversation. If kids are curious about the topic of sex, they WILL find the answers to their questions. Parents must decide if they want these answers to come from themselves or from their child's peers. To me, that's a pretty easy decision.

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