When grandparents play favorites
Categories: Relatives, Siblings, Behaving badly
It's hard not to do. For some, it's inevitable: Playing favorites. Parents try not to do it, grandparents too. Still, the idea persists--siblings talk about it amongst themselves and make the decisions when the grandparents don't. But what about when the grandparents do?
I can think of several instances when it's been pretty obvious that the grandparents had a favorite child. It's also been pretty obvious when the grandchild was not the favorite. To be frank, in both instances it really stunk for the kids. Sometimes, perhaps, it was because the grandparents had access to or spent more time with a particular grandchild. Sometimes, it was the direct result of having a favorite child.
In any event, having favorites is one thing--making it obvious is quite another. And, it's never fair to let it be known if you have a preference of one child over another. Yet some grandparents still exercise that option (parents too). Good Morning America online is taking a poll of how parents handle the situation when the grandparents play favorites. What are your thoughts on the subject? How do you handle it when grandma and grandpa play favorites? Or, is it something we can even help doing?
Pic by itchys on flickr.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
CLM 8-14-2008 @ 4:25PM
My MIL definitely favors her younger son's children over ours. But she does it in weird ways and I'm not entirely sure she's conscious of it. The example that springs immediately to mind is an occasion when some family friends sent baby gifts for our twin boys to the in-laws' house because they did not have a current address for us. The items were adorable little jackets sized 18 months. My MIL took it upon herself to open the gift, check the size, and give one of them to her younger son, whose son was about that age. When we came up for a visit, she handed us the obviously opened gift, and told us she would buy something similar when the boys got big enough. Admittedly, we likely would have loaned one or both of the jackets for our nephew to wear, but it was a little offensive to have her opening gifts to our boys and handing out the contents. We haven't said anything (what could one say?), but we will definitely be keeping an eye on the situation as the boys get older.
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MsC 8-14-2008 @ 5:01PM
My father's mother definitely has favorites. It never really bothered us. We were three among 15 grandchildren. We lived across the country from her and saw her rarely. Other cousins lived in the same apartment building.
If she had favored one sibling over another, that might have bugged us. But we were obviously more attached to the grandmother we saw every other weekend and didn't mind that our distant grandmother was closer to the cousins up there.
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ame s 8-14-2008 @ 5:02PM
My two are the only grandchildren for my parents. It doesn't look like my brother is going to reproduce ;)
Their paternal grandparents, on the other hand, that is a different story. Even when my late-husband's dad was alive, the Late's step-mother blatently preferred her blood grandchildren. She wasn't obvious about it in front of the children, but I remember the last Christmas we visited her. My daughters each received a modest priced gift, as did the Late's siblings' children.
I went into the walk-in attic to get something for stepmom and saw literal scores of wrapped gifts for "her" grandchildren.
When my late hubby first got sick, stepmom called my father and asked if there was anything she could do. Dad told her we were having financial difficulty due to hubby having to quit work and go on disability. Stepmom sent us $30. Last year, when her daughter was widowed, stepmom bought her a house, outright.
I haven't seen stepmom in over a year. Late hubby's siblings haven't seen her since their father's funeral 5 years ago.
Late father-in-law left his estate in a living trust, to be used by stepmom, with the remaining funds to be divided amongst his children and 2 stepchildren upon her death. We are sure there will very little left for them. This is one of many reasons I had no respect for father-in-law.
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Christy 8-14-2008 @ 5:46PM
At times I feel like my M/F-in-law have their favorites. My husband and I were the first to produce a grandchild on his side of the family. His brother had a baby a month after us. His sister about 18 months after. I have the only girl, the others are two adorable boys. I am fortunately blessed to be a stay at home mother. His sister is not and his brother is now going through a divorce and his child just turned two. M-I-L watches the two boys while they all work. I have no problem with that, I would do it if I had to go back to work. But because she watches both of them, it makes it hard for my daughter to get the same attention or affection from either of my husbands parents. It's like they adapted the role as mother and father to the other grandchildren and only have very little time for my daughter. I have had problems in the past with my best friend claiming that I made it a competition between her daughter and mine, who are 3 months apart so I feel very sensitive to the situation with the grandparents. I feel like I can sense the littlest snub but I could be overly sensitive to it. My husbands see's what I see though and agrees with my concerns.
The thing is, I knew that this situation would happen. Because one is going through a divorce and has a mother that isn't as motherly as we hoped, she over compensates her love for him. My other nephew has no excuse but I don't begrudge her to love her grandchildren the way she wants but it would be nice to have it equal. I love my nephews with equal admiration and such but I sometimes feel resentment, not neccessarily toward them but toward the situation.
Its like the little things like when we arrive to the house they smile at her and say hello but when the other two children come over they pick them up, kiss them and hug them and walk around with them in their arms for a few minutes just bragging about how big they are and how cute. She just gets a mild hello to the others extravagant one.
I just eat it up and deal with it though. What can I say to them? It will only put our relationship in an awkward place and only take away from my daughter even more. I know that I'm not going crazy either when my husband see's what I see too. I just feel that if he agrees with me that he would be able to speak up to his own family and not leave it up entirely to me. I would even confront if I knew the both of us would do it together. I don't know how else to handle the situation but I know that I will let my daughter know how much she's loved from everyone and let the grandparents answer her concerns when she's old enough to see it for her self.
Michele W 8-14-2008 @ 6:06PM
I have this problem with my grandmother. I was the first grandchild born and the only one for 9 years so i was spoiled badly. When the next one came along I didnt like it cause it took away from me. I was jealous. Then as more came along I had to hear at Christmas time and holidays That for what one of my gifts cost ( because i was older ) They could get 3 gifts for them. My gifts cost more than thiers did. My one uncle had 2 kids and they lived at his moms house, my grandmother. She pretty much raised the kids because my uncle and aunt never wanted to do anything. My grandmother and grandfather were like parents to the kids. They were the last grand kids to be born too. Well then came the time for me to have a child and we figured it would be a big deal. My kid being the first great grand child and for my mom the only grand child ( i am an only child). Boy was I wrong! My mother is the best and I couldnt ask for more. She spoils him and he knows she loves him but the great grandmother & great grand father pays no attention to my kid. They still have my uncles to kids all the time and they are now 16 and 15. At Christmas time they will buy my son a $15 gift and say that they don't have money yet they got the other two both I pods, pants, playstation 2 games and more. So the rules I had to grow up with seem not to apply to these two I call the golden children. My grand parents buy Idlewild passes every year and take them two all the time, they have only invited my son once when he was like 3. They dont live with my grandmother any more but they dont want to goto school where they live so my grandparents pick them up every day or the kids do stay there and goto to school from there. Yet they have never been to our home. It really upsets my mom and I that they do this to him. He is 6 now and he notices things to and like you said it is not right if the kid notices and can tell they dont get as much as the others do. My son is just always on the short end of everything. I understand that my grandparents took care of these kids and did what they did for them because they had messed up parents but my kid shouldnt be ignored just because he has a stable home and is taken care of. The kids are old enough now They should worry about the younger ones. NOw there is going to be 3 great grand children soon ( only one is mine ) and none of the kids get anything compared to them two so I cant say that it is just my kid either. None of the kids but them get anything.
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the goddess anna 8-14-2008 @ 7:08PM
We have this problem with my mother. My husband and I are both only children, so our children are the only grandchildren. I was pregnant with my daughter before I met my husband (I almost gave her up for adoption). When she was born, my mother was the doting grandparent (I even stayed at her house for the majority of my maternity leave). My mom was so proud of me for being a strong single parent just like she was. Then, I got married, and about a year later I got pregnant with the twins. My mom was less than thrilled (she thinks I got married to have a man around the house, she's one of those type lesbians), even less so that I was having more kids. Three weeks on bedrest, one phone call. She came when I went into labor (80 miles), but left before I gave birth to go to a meeting. I almost died, and my mother did not care. Hardly ever held the boys, wouldn't help out with them, and she wondered why they screamed when she did bother to visit. Three years later, her bias towards my daughter is starting to be less obvious, but it's there. I don't think she even notices it, but it bugs me to no end. I don't bring it up, because if I do, I'd explode and let 25 years of resentment out, and my kids would lose a grandparent. If things don't improve in the future, my husband has decided he will talk to her about it.
However, my inlaws treat each grandchild equally: they're all spoiled. : )
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Jenni 8-14-2008 @ 8:26PM
My 23-year old step-son is the "favorite" grandchild. But it's purely because of circumstance. One of the brother-in-law's family was never around. I dated my husband for 5 years and only saw him, at most, 3 times and only one of those times he brought 1 of his 6 children (at that time all aged 10-17).
The other brother-in-law was around, but his kids were adopted by him when he married their mom at age 10 and 12. While they spent more time with my MIL, and she enjoyes them very much, they were just not around enough to become the favorite.
My stepson was the first baby that they were involved in from birth. She took care of him 3 days a week; even after the divorce. I think the divorce made the situation of favoritism worse because then she felt bad for this little guy and wanted to give him the best.
Even today, she considers him more of a 4th son rather than a grandson. He knows he's the favorite. The other's now it as well. They even make comments about, "Oh, his artwork is on the wall." However, she comes back and says, "He gave it to me. If you gave me something, I'd put it up too."
None of the other grand children will come close to their relationship; but she does still enjoy each grandchild...when they come around.
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markycf 8-14-2008 @ 8:31PM
My aunt played favorites with my cousin's first son. She loves all the kids, but he was her favorite and still is. She started doing some bad things and she isn't allowed to see any of them anymore, but she only wants to see him. She spoiled him and turned him into a brat, but he grew out of it. He is only 9 and when he hears about her he doesn't care anymore. She was never completely in their lives and even missed birthdays to stay with her boyfriend who had a wife. Thank God she can't see them.
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jen 8-14-2008 @ 9:55PM
I had this happen to me. My brother and I were the only grandchildren for many many years. My father's parents doted quite equally on us. My mother is one of 4 daughters. Her father always wanted a son. My brother became the son he always wanted. For christmas, I might get a pair of socks from them. My brother would get a car. Yep, socks that were on sale for $2 (they always left the price tags on) versus a $10k used car. Surprisingly, it didn't really bother me that much. The favoritism was so glaring as to be humorous.
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Tamyu 8-15-2008 @ 3:21AM
I`m terrified of this happening.
My husband was his grandmother`s favorite. She`s still around and makes it pretty clear. She even says it for everyone to hear - "I always liked you the best."
Up until recently our son was the only grandchild - well, technically he still is. Sister-in-law is currently pregnant. I can just see what is going to happen though... No one likes her husband, so I just know that some of that is going to end up pushing their baby down on the scale. That kills me in a way. We don`t want special treatment, but I know it`s going to happen. Relations between my husband and his siblings are already stressed from him being the "favorite" all these years.
I`m sure it`s awful to be the less favored, but it`s also not easy to be the favored ones.
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Sabrina 8-15-2008 @ 8:42AM
I am the favored grandchild. My cousins and I are adults now and we're able to talk about that and how it affected them openly and honestly, and I think that's really important. To this day I am still the favored grandchild, but I don't see any favoritism from my Grandma towards any of my children or my cousins children. Being the favorite as a child can be fun, but continuing to be the favorite as an adult means extra responsibility for an aging grandparent, and it means the eventuality of being responsible for the circumstances of funerals, estates, and all the legal mess it entails, which I am not really up for or knowledgable about. I know from talking to my cousins about it that it can be annoying when a grandparent has a favorite child, and sometimes you can feel left out or ignored. I do feel bad for my cousins to have felt that way as kids, but honestly nothing could have been done by me. Luckily for them though, they had a plethora of gandparents to choose from and they each developed a special relationship with a different grandparent during childhood.
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vicki brown 8-15-2008 @ 7:56PM
parents are to sensitive to this favorite grandchild thing. i have two grandaughters and am accused of favoring the oldest who is three. i dont think this is true its just that she loves me so much more than the one year old does,therefore it seems that way. everyone has certain people you just click with and feel close to but you dont love the others any less.
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Jenni 8-15-2008 @ 10:21PM
You are very right. My mother takes care of my 3 year old neice three days a week, so of course she is closer to her than her 6 year old sister (they lived in different states when the 6 year old was younger or I am sure she would have taken care of her too).
Since we live in a different state, I know that when my husband and I have children she won't be that close to them. Not because she doesn't love them, but because they won't get to spend that much time with them. Each visit will be like a re-introduction for the first few years as it is.
I know that my sister's children will always be the favorite, and I am okay with that. It's how I will handle it as a parent that will really affect my children anyway.
Leah 8-16-2008 @ 3:22PM
My husbands parents (including the step-parents) all favor the same grandson to a disgusting degree and they couldn't be more obvious about it if they tried. It's not only a slap in the face to my two children but also to the other 8 grandchildren in the family.
None of the others seem to measure up to this child and I can't figure out why. He's not the first grandchild, he's not the first grandson, he's not a prodigy, has no special talents, not sickly...nothing that would point to him being the only one that exists.
It's rather heartbreaking to see the other kids trying to get noticed just to be shown that they don't stand a chance.
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Jenni 8-17-2008 @ 9:15PM
Does he spend more time with them? Are they invited to more of his events? My MIL never missed one of my stepsons soccer games, but she was never invited to any of the others. One of my (now ex) sister in law would only let her see their children when they decided to bring them over. So much so that she wouldn't allow her husband to give us their address.
The sad thing is, my stepson wasn't even born when their first three were here.
Yes, she is closer, but it's in large part because of the situation my brothers-in-law have set up. We all live in the same city as well.
Tiffany 9-01-2008 @ 3:27PM
My MIL favors her first-born granddaughter over our son, her grandson. It's been evident from the beginning. My Sister in Law always makes sure she monopolizes my MIL's time and always asks her mom to babysit her daughter long before we're even able to think about it. My SIL basically USES her parents to get what she wants at the expense of us. We moved to another city in the same state (but 8 hours away from my MIL) and our son has only seen his grandparents once in the whole 8 months we've lived here. He's only spoken to them twice on the phone since we've moved and they make no effort to be part of his life. They even "forgot" to send his birthday card claiming some stupid excuse...but you know if it was their granddaughter they would be johnny on the spot. I got into it on the phone with my MIL about the situation and she had the nerve to tell me, "well, our granddaughter is in our face and your son isn't." OMG! Give me a break! It frustrates me, but I can't make them take an interest in my son. My son will notice when he's older what's going on and he can make his own decision about it. At this point, I could care less if he even has a relationship with his grandparents - they aren't worthy of even BEING grandparents. Oh, and they've always favored girls over boys anyway....they have my husband for a son and my SIL for a daughter and she has always gotten away with everything and he was always the one to be taught responsibility. Go figure...now the same thing is being trickled down to the grandchildren.
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Anna 9-22-2008 @ 12:26PM
I am a Producer at a network morning show, and we are doing a story about grandparents playing favorites. All of your posts were very insightful, and I was hoping to speak with some of you about your feelings on this issue.
Please contact me at anna.m.wild@abc.com
Thank you!
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Kimberly 10-01-2008 @ 4:31AM
Marriage and Relationship Help!!!!!
TipTopWebsite.com/KimistryFeay
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