Funeral etiquette - Take the kids, or leave them home?
Categories: Kids 5-7, Kids 8-11, Development
My husband's aunt passed away recently, after a long illness. She had lived across the street from us when both of our children were born, and used to send dinner every so often. Her husband would bring the boys Hot Wheels cars and various other toys; they gave my older son his first bicycle. The boys don't really remember any of that, but we did, and we were saddened by her death.
But we were also unsure about the funeral etiquette. My sons are six and eight -- were they old enough to go to the funeral? I didn't know, and so I started asking around. To my surprise, the overwhelming response from my mama friends was no, don't take them, they're too young, they won't be able to sit still, they won't understand what's going on. I still wavered -- they go church at school each week, so the funeral Mass would be familiar to them, and they seem to understand what it means to say that someone has died. And there would be other kids there, most about their ages.
In the end, my husband went to the funeral alone, and I stayed home with our kids and some other cousins because we were unable to find a sitter for the out of town children and this was just easier for everyone. But we have other elderly relatives who are not in good health, and because I am sure this will be an issue again, perhaps soon, I'm still curious about the etiquette here -- should kids go to funerals, or stay home?
What's your rule on funerals and children? How old is old enough? Or do other factors, like your child's relationship to the deceased, matter more?
But we were also unsure about the funeral etiquette. My sons are six and eight -- were they old enough to go to the funeral? I didn't know, and so I started asking around. To my surprise, the overwhelming response from my mama friends was no, don't take them, they're too young, they won't be able to sit still, they won't understand what's going on. I still wavered -- they go church at school each week, so the funeral Mass would be familiar to them, and they seem to understand what it means to say that someone has died. And there would be other kids there, most about their ages.
In the end, my husband went to the funeral alone, and I stayed home with our kids and some other cousins because we were unable to find a sitter for the out of town children and this was just easier for everyone. But we have other elderly relatives who are not in good health, and because I am sure this will be an issue again, perhaps soon, I'm still curious about the etiquette here -- should kids go to funerals, or stay home?
What's your rule on funerals and children? How old is old enough? Or do other factors, like your child's relationship to the deceased, matter more?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
James Chewning 8-31-2008 @ 4:30PM
Take the children. They are old enough to handle the situation. We forget that children too need to mourn the passing of a loved one-particularly one who has been so very good to the family.
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Marie 8-31-2008 @ 7:28PM
I was shocked that someone would say keep the children at home. My kids were babies in my arms when I started taking them and my son was 4 when it was his first funeral. A fireman had died and there were his coworkers standing at attention in uniform by the casket. We had just watched a special on TV about the Eisenhower funeral train. My son gave me a chuckle asking me if they were going to put the fireman's body on a train too.
barb 9-02-2008 @ 3:30PM
The 6 year old might be a tad too young, but the 8 year old surely should attend. At 8 you are aware of death and its finality so let that child have a good bye..and judge if the 6 year old is ok with this all. You know the child, we dont...so you're the best judge of whether or not this child is good to go or not. Emotionally is the ? not really an etiquette thing...its about the childs ability to deal with death.
Uly 8-31-2008 @ 5:07PM
I think it is unhealthy to prevent a child from going to a funeral simply because of their age.
Children - and adults - need to know and understand that death is a natural part of life. Furthermore children, just like adults, need that closure if somebody they love and care about is gone.
This is similar to my feelings about excluding children from other rituals your family partakes in. I'm not religious at all, so maybe that's why I'm continually shocked that people avoid church because of having kids. Shouldn't children be welcomed in church like everybody else?
I also feel it is absurd for your friends to have told you that your six and eight year old children would not be capable of sitting through a funeral. Typical six and eight year old children should have that level of self-control - some squirming, and maybe a trip or two outside, but that's it.
With that said, it's a bit silly for anybody to attend a funeral of somebody they don't know well and didn't care about emotionally, more so for children. If your children weren't close to this relative, there's no need to drag them there for their own benefit - though it would have been sensible to bring them there for your own benefit if you couldn't find a sitter, so that both parents could pay their respects.
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Paul Cyopick 8-31-2008 @ 6:37PM
My wife passed away from cancer almost 2 years ago, when our son was 6 and our twin girls were 3. I decided that the girls were too young, but I gave the option to my son to decide for himself. He said that he didn't want to go, because he couldn't get a hug from mommy.
It was a rough decision either way, but in the end I'm glad they weren't there. I think it would have been too tramatic for them to handle.
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Ed 8-31-2008 @ 10:41PM
Paul Cyopic, you are the smartest parent here. Children can mourn the passing of a loved one just fine WITHOUT seeing a dead body.
ame s 9-01-2008 @ 1:00AM
Similar situation here. Five years ago, my children were 5 and 3 when my husband died. I think you made the right decision for all of your children.
Paul Cyopick 9-01-2008 @ 3:30AM
Like everything else, there is no right or wrong here. I'm not criticizing the people who say they should take children to funerals.
In my case, I chose not to. For one, even though the death of a parent at such a young age is traumatic, they saw their mommy getting sicker and sicker, and I made sure that they said their goodbyes before mommy actually passed away. I thought it best that their last memories of mommy were a hug and a kiss.
Some people don't have this luxury, if you could call it that. My friend's brother passed away in a single car accident, leaving a wife and two small kids. His death was a total surprise, and the kids never really got a chance for closure. They went to the funeral parlor, but not the final funeral.
My kids ask lots of questions about the funeral, and I do my best to answer their questions. To be honest, I wasn't in any mental state to have them at the funeral. There was a lot I had to deal with (including my dear mother in-law, who didn't put me in the obituary, but that's another matter), and I don't think I could have been strong for the kids when they needed it.
Of course, even though almost 2 years have passed, we still think about mommy a lot. The kids are still sad about it, of course, but are starting to remember mommy in a happy way as well. Last month the twins turned 5, and on the way home from their birthday party, there was a huge rainbow in the sky. Jessica said "Look everyone, Mommy sent a rainbow down from heaven for our birthday present. Thank you Mommy, I love you." Who was I to say she wasn't right.
markycf 8-31-2008 @ 6:48PM
I agree with the other two posters. My cousin's husband died just one month before their first month anniversary. They were together for a while and he was the father to 1 of her children and two on the way. She had 4 kids all together (with the two in her womb - she was 5 months pregnant). They all called him daddy. We took them everyday to the funeral home (we arrived late from praying at home), but stayed later than allowed and we kept them downstairs and gave them toys, video games, and food. They were from the ages 3 1/2, 5, 6, and 8. They were good for the most part and even if you could hear them upstairs no one cared. They understood. On the final day of the wake, before we left, we allowed all the kids (and the eldest was allowed to stay the entire time for the wake) to see their father. They already knew he was dead and the most they did was try and wake him up, say they love him, and kiss him. The next day before we all went to the cemetery they stayed with us and not downstairs. It helped them and they act out or different because they death has affected them, but that is normal and when they're older they'll appreciate the fact that they got to say goodbye to their father. In my opinion, if you can control your child (some people cannot) then don't bring them. You have to get your child to try and understand what is allowed at a wake/funeral and what isn't. I know plenty of kids could understand this. If you could let them play with your phone or not stay the entire time people will understand and if they don't, forget them. You're doing it for you and your child.
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ang 8-31-2008 @ 7:47PM
Take them. Death is a part of life every bit as much as any other aspect of life. To shelter them from life is to do them a huge dis-service. No one likes a person that seems to be a fair weather friend that can only deal with "good" things in life. A death with the person surrounded by loved ones is a very beautiful ending to a life well lived. I have taken my children to my aunts funeral , and have never regretted it and more recently my mother passed away. My children were there, as were all of her grandchildren. The kids were allowed to laugh and talk...to walk up and see her and give her a kiss goodbye if they chose to. It was very beautiful and my mother would have been delighted. So many people I know don't shelter their children from what they view on television , who their friends are , whether they date in the 7th grade, very graphic video games...from my point of view death is a part of life and as parents we are supposed to eqiup our children to live life and be prepared to deal with life. If I am there with them to answer questions and give them hugs...I can walk them through lifes more difficult times...life is not just a bed of roses. The rain comes. My children do not love loss, and yet they can accept that life is temporary and to appreciate what we have while we have it.
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joycelobaido 8-31-2008 @ 8:24PM
I agree, take them. When I was about 9 yrs old, my grandmother took my sisters and me to a funeral of a friend of the family. She was getting us over the initial shock of a funeral and experience of the errie. Our mother died not long after that funeral {yes, our grandmother knew she was going to die}. It was traumatic in it's own right, yet we weren't wigged out with a casket, a body, people crying. Just devastated it was our own mom and the realization she wasn't coming back.
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Ed 8-31-2008 @ 10:33PM
No! No! No! Don't take them! In a span of a little over one year, from age 5 to 7, I attended my father's funeral, my grandmother's funeral, my grandfather's funeral, two uncle's funerals and the funeral of my new step-brother's mother. My mother thought that I should understand that death was a part of life. Now, you tell me WHY a child needs to know this at such a young age? Why destroy a child's innocence so soon? That's just ABUSE! With that kind of "logic" you may as well show them sex acts also! After all, THAT's a part of life too. What's wrong with you people????!!!! Sick! Sick! Sick! To this day, the smell of cut flowers reminds me of death. As a teen I was diagnosed with clinical depression. Hmmmm,....I wonder why?
In the Jewish religion, you don't have flowers anywhere during a funeral, AND YOU DON'T TAKE THE KIDS!!!!!!!! They know how to do it right! You idiots must all be Christians. Thankfully, I am an atheist! And I DON'T GO TO FUNERALS! At 50, I've had enough to last a lifetime. And I went to most of them as a small child. You people disgust me and it you thought it through, you would be ashamed of yourselves. Use your BRAIN that your "God" gave your for once, and stop abusing children by taking them to funerals! They'll learn about death soon enough.
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markycf 9-01-2008 @ 11:10AM
I'm sorry that you had to go to so many funerals and the fact that you were traumatized. Watch who you call an idiot though. Did anyone else call you an idiot? I don't think so. Many people deal with death and their children in different ways. If a child is getting love, food, clothes, discipline, and being taught to be responsible and smart it doesn't matter if they go to a funeral or not. They aren't getting beat and that is the good thing. People should ask if their children if they want to go to a funeral and then explain to them what it is. My young cousins have gone to two funerals and only been to one wake which was for their dad and they didn't seem him suffer. The only funeral and wake they didn't go to was the one of their grandfather and he died peacefully, young, but peacefully. It should be the child's decision and the parent has a responsibility to explain to the child as best as they can what a funeral and wake and death is. Children know that things die. They see it on children's shows, commercials, outside. Everywhere. Death is everywhere. Children may not always have a name for it, but they do know it happens. Get help, Ed.
Joy 9-01-2008 @ 11:26AM
I also feel this is a very personal choice. I was taken to funerals when they happened and was told what was going on. People don’t live forever and kids need to know this. What happens when they ask “where is Aunt So and So? Do you then lie? Kids only learn what we teach them and death is a part of life. My children have been to every family members funeral that I’ve gone to as well as weddings and other family gatherings. You have to talk to them and teach them things that life throws at us. You don’t have to have them go touch a dead body. I’m not saying to freak them out but kids act the way you do. If your freaked out, so will they be. You can always go in when the casket is closed.
I feel sometimes people want to protect kids to much. Isn’t death a part of life? How many times has a pet died and people lied and said they ran away or some such nonsense? Then the child hopes and prays that the lost pet will someday come home. How fair is that? To always have hope and you know there is no hope.
If it’s someone your kids didn’t know well, that would be one thing but if it’s an important person in a child’s life, don’t you think the child needs closure just as much as we do? I also feel once they know what death is, it’s easier. Had my boys not gone to any funerals and lost their grandmother, that funeral would have been to much as we were all heartbroken and it wouldn’t have been the time or place to teach anything. I thankfully had prepared them for death somewhat. We can’t shield our kids even though we want to.
Ed, calling everyone an idiot is very rude. Opinions are just that. If you want your children unprepared in life, that’s up to you but name calling is never mature. How will they learn what death is if you don't teach them?
Ed 9-01-2008 @ 11:39AM
You people keep repeating "Death is a part of life" over and over again without really thinking about what you just said. Sex is also a part of life, but don't you keep that from them until a certain age? You don't say, "Johnny, it's up to you if you want to watch Mommy and Daddy have sex, it's just a part of life!" That would likely be traumatic wouldn't it? Making life, ending life -- those things are going to be presented to kids anyway at some point. At tender ages -- birth to about 10 years, it's okay to be AWARE that those things (sex and death) exist, but it is traumatizing to present the full picture of those things to them. A small child should never have to see a dead body any more than they should see a sex act. And please understand, no one is advocating lying to your kids about death -- tell them the truth, just don't show it to them. Do you see the difference?
Joy 9-01-2008 @ 12:17PM
Your analogy of death and sex is ridiculous. I talked to my kids honestly about things they asked me about and to a child, where does a baby come from may only need “from mommy” to satisfy them. My point, which you didn’t “get” was you can’t lie and you should try and be as honest as you can or when important things come up, they won’t come to you because by then, they’ll know you don’t tell the truth. I also stated that you can go into a funeral after the casket has been closed but you can still go.
All funerals aren’t sad. There is singing and praying and storytelling. It’s not all about tears and hysteria. A funeral is about more than just a dead body and I feel children should be exposed to the facts of life in an age appropriate manner. So when they reach the magic age of 10, they can just all of a sudden be burdened with all of this with no warning? I feel it’s way better to prepare them in small ways along the journey.
I was more upset about your using caps and calling everyone an idiot.
Ed 9-01-2008 @ 1:16PM
So, you admit that people need to be shielded from certain things -- like name calling? The word idiot (and it's only a word) affected your sensitivities, didn't it? It was offensive. And it upset you. And here you are, an adult, having that sort of reaction. Now, multiply that sensitivity 1000 times with the death of a loved one, and now you are not just an adult confronted with a simple word, now it's the ending of a life. You think I have no feelings for readers here when I say their behavior is idiotic, but you have no feelings for children when confronted with the death of a loved one. If you really love your children, you try to protect them. Do you really think kids are not aware of death to the degree that you have to stick it in their faces to prove it to them? They know about it, they just don't need to see or hear all the details. Get it?
If you had read my entire second post you would have noted that we BOTH agree not to lie to a child. What we differ on, I think, is the degree to which a child is exposed to the facts. You say, a funeral is more than just a dead body. Yes, that's true -- to YOU as an adult. But did you ever stop to think about what's going on in a child's mind when they see that? Or, when they see everyone crying? It's very different than what you are thinking. VERY different.
And there is no "Magic Age of 10". I didn't say that. But, pre-teens are obviously better able to cope with the idea of death than a kindergartener, wouldn't you agree? An older child won't be "suddenly burdened without warning" as you say. They learn a little more about life and death each day as they grow -- without having it shoved in their faces.
Whit 9-03-2008 @ 2:17PM
You are a freaking LOSER! Just because people dont do what YOU think is correct, doesnt make them stupid, your just intolerant.
Ed 9-03-2008 @ 2:32PM
Whit, sorry, but I am able to make judgements quite clearly as to what is, or is not, stupid. If you, as a human being, are not able to discern a stupid act from a smart one, then you will have a lot of trouble making it in this world.
Here's the bottom line on this subject. Everyone here has been presented with an actual subject case (Me) regarding this choice. You can clearly see what it can do to a person if you do not handle it (exposure to death) properly. Do you really want your child to become angry, depressed, and in therapy as an adult? Do you really want them to turn out like me? Of course you don't, if you love them.
So, since you do not know how a child will react (and you cannot assume you do, most of you have never had to deal with this before), then why take that chance? It may appear on the surface that your child handled it well, but did he really? You won't know for another 10 to 20 years. Are you willing to take that chance? What is your child's emotional well-being worth to you?
All I'm saying is: don't expose your child to death unnecessarily -- a little bit of information goes a long way. I'm sure that if your child lives long enough, they will attend plenty of funerals and learn all about death. Why expose them before they are ready? Don't presume that you automatically know when they are ready. And don't let them make the decision -- that's YOUR job. Don't put it off on them. Don't ask them, "Do you want to go to the funeral? Do you want to see the open casket?" No. You decide, and err on the side of caution.
Or, you can wait 40 years and have an angry, depressed son like me. It's up to you.
lisa 9-13-2008 @ 11:22AM
Geez, clinical depression, obvious anger management issues and a bug in your britches over God. Too bad you don't pray, you obviously could benefit from it. How about I pray for you? God bless you whether you like it or not!