Funeral etiquette - Take the kids, or leave them home?

I think it depends on the relationship, how old the kids are and how much they know about death. If going to the funeral is going to help them to somehow say goodbye or understand what's happened then they should go. I don't think there can be a straight yes or no answer to this question, it depends on the child and the circumstance.

Carolyn
http://www.momsontheedge.ca

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Wow, that is a tough decision to make.
I was 12 or 13 when I went to a funeral for the first time, for a great-aunt I didn't know very well. I was uncomfortable but dealt with it okay. I was 15 when I went to my grandmother's funeral. I was okay until I saw her. I still remember that image, and I hate it. That wasn't my grandmother. That was an empty shell.
My husband died when my daughters were 3 months shy of their 6th and 4th birthdays. I did not take them to visitation or to the funeral and don't regret the decision. I would not want them to remember seeing their father in that coffin. Watching him deteriorate for 2 years from being the Daddy who lifted them high into the air to the Daddy who needed help getting up from the hospital bed in the living room. I almost wish I had not gone into the room where he was on display. If I had it to do over again, I would have had a closed casket or a memorial service without one.
I am lucky in the fact that I have only lost 3 people who were close to me. None of those funerals brought any sense of closure to me.
I vote for not taking them.

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I am surprised by the number of posters who think attending a funeral is almost a manditory (sp?) part of mourning and the grief process. I have NEVER felt a sense of finality after going to a funeral.

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Hmm, ask the kids if they want to go. Its suprising how insightful they can be.

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It depends 100% on their understanding of death. Do they understand what it means? I have been lucky in my life and not lost many people close to me. (That means that someday I will probably lose a lot in a short time span; I know that).

However, I do remember when I was 4. My great grandfather (who we were all close to) was dying of lung cancer. My parents brought my older brother and sister (11 and 8 years old) and left me behind. They knew I didn't have that concept yet.

They also left me with a family friend for the funeral services (although they did bring me back for the gathering afterwards). It's not that they didn't want to introduce me as an "innocent" to death. They knew that developmentally, I wasn't able to grasp this concept.

On a side note, I think that if it's going to be too emotional for the parents you should also leave children behind. They don't need to see you emotionally out of control. If it's just a standard sadness, that's one thing. But I have seen people in funerals where other attendees had to take their children out because they knew this wasn't what these children should be seeing.

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My son went to his first funeral at two and a half years old. It was his great grandfathers funeral. He viewed the body and has no way been traumatized by it. He asked if grandpa was sleeping when my mother spoke up and said yes he asked to wake him up. We told him we were not able to and he said "oh grandpa is dead." He doesn't even really remember that funeral but he still has his memories of Great Grandpa.

His second funeral was just this past January, his best friend (Grandma's fiance) died. It was rather sudden and he didn't get a chance to say goodbye. I gave him the choice this time. He wanted to go. There was no open casket as the body was cremated. He saw how many people turned out and talked about how many people loved his friend. He even spoke a few words when asked if anyone had anything to say. He was 7 this time. His younger sister (two and half) and his cousin (one year old) were also there. The kids provided a lot of smiles and good feelings for adults just by being there. My daughter was giving people who were crying hugs.

I think all in all it depends on the child's relationship with the deceased. I've gone to funerals where the kids have not been simply because they had little or no connection to the deceased. I really don't think going to a funeral is detrimental to a child or their psyche. If a child can sit through a movie, a church sermon, or anything else that last an hour or two I am sure they can sit through a funeral.

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I am a CPA and financial planner that specializes in helping families save money when making funeral arrangements, so I have a fair amount of funeral planning experience.

I am also a father of three young children (6, 4, and 11m).

We have never had an occasion to attend a funeral of our own since our kids have been born. However, we do not hide the idea of death from them. A lot of what they pick up from a funeral home’s atmosphere has more to do with the way you, as the parent, reacts than anything else.

Last year a close friend’s mother died. During the ceremony I opted to sit in the front of the funeral home and watch his two nieces. They played quietly and colored through out the service. The funeral did not have a negative impact on them. Now granted, years of experience has made me very comfortable in a funeral home setting. And I tried to convey a sense of ease to the girls (ages 5 and 3). If I thought they were getting nervous about something, I would simply explain in a fri4endly tone what was going on.

If you need to learn more funeral options and customs you can check out: http://www.funeral-tips.com.

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I would like to agree with Markycf. Talk to your children. I was ten when my mom died. My father asked me, the youngest, to decide if we should have an open casket. I had no idea what that meant. When dad told me, I was adamant about not wanting to see my mom like that. The day before the funeral, one of my parents' well meaning friends was arguing with my dad about whether I should go to the "veiwing". This was another term I had never heard before. At this woman's insistance, my father agreed to take me because in her words, "she (I) won't understand unless she (I) sees". So, I went to the viewing and saw my mother dead. I ran screaming out of the building and didn't speak to my father for many hours. We finally worked it out and went on to have a wonderful relationship till he died. The vision of my mother's dead body still haunts me.

This story is intended to illustrate the need to truly talk to your kids and explain the situation from their perspective. Remember that kids have no point of reference for this ritual. If you aren't in any shape to really go into detail, find someone who can. Let your children make as informed a decision as their maturity and developmental level will allow. Remember that grief is a very personal thing. We all grieve differently and have different needs in times like this. What is important in these situations is that you do what is right for your family. As parents, we have to do the same thing we always do: the best we can with what we've got. Good luck to you all and God bless all of you who are still grieving the loss of a loved one

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I attended many funerals as a young child, and so did my siblings. I have also taken my young children to funerals. We were never forced, but often wanted to attend to show our respects and be with our family. Attending a funeral does not mean that the body has to be viewed. Children can participate in the service and be with their family members. If not, then the children should at least go to the family gathering before or after the funeral.Funerals are a way that families keep in touch with each other, in addition to weddings and reunions. I believe that parents who insist that children not attend funerals are assuming that their children share their feelings about death.

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I think there are lots of factors on whether a child should attend a funeral. First, each child is different in their emotional understanding. Second, it depends on the type of funeral. My father died when I was 8, and he chose to be cremated so there was no open casket. There were literally hundreds of my fathers friends there, all laughing and remembering what a great man, friend and father he had been. I had watched him die for 2 years, so it wasn't a shock to me, but I have always said I want my funeral to be like my fathers (when the time comes). I want joy and remembrance rather than sadness. I have always been so grateful to my parents for giving me such a beautiful memory and send off for my father.

However, I went to the funeral for a close friends grandfather, and the family literally threw themselves at the casket as it was being lowered into the ground. As a 35 year old woman who loved the deceased, I could barely handle that and can't imagine that it did any child any good-and yes, the grandkids participated in this.

We also went to the funeral of one of my husbands uncles, who died suddenly. My s-i-l left my 8 year old niece to my care and sat with the family. She didn't prepare her at all for anything that was to happen-and it was a catholic mass with lots of pomp and prayers. I think the worst part was that my niece didn't know what to expect, what most things meant and that she had the right to leave if she wanted. I am so glad I was there with her and we were able to walk out of the church when she needed a break, and I could stand at a respectful distance with her at the cemetery.

If the children are given information beforehand, and given the choice to leave (and a trusted adult to be with if their parent(s) are busy, then hopefully death can become less scary.

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My father passed away in November 2007, and he was very young, and I recall that I didn't sleep a full night through without waking up from nightmares until the day that we left the cemetery. His funeral gave me a huge sense of closure. That night I slept all the way through the night. Take the kids if it is a family member who is very close, but you may want to do it when the casket is closed. If I had to go through my father's funeral again, I don't think I would have wanted to see him all fake and made up like that. I can remember him as he was in life without a problem, but the shell of the person in the casket is an image more easily brought to mind. Maybe that would be different for a child, but maybe not. It was traumatic to me, and I was twenty-five.

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Take the children. I still (25 years on) cannot forgive my stepmother for refusing to allow me at my grandfather's funeral. They are more than old enough to understand, and it will help with the grieving process. Particularly if they were close to the deceased. A funeral is no different to a wedding (don't even get me started about anti-children weddings!), it is all part of life.

We took my niece, then 18 months, to my other grandfather's funeral, and even at that young age, she knew what was going on - when the coffin was taken away, she blew it a kiss - which helped the rest of us deal with an extremely sad occasion. She was impeccably behaved, too.

You might like to suggest your kids take a quiet book with them in case they DO get bored but I would be very surprised if they didn't get caught up in the solemnity of the occasion, and appreciate their chance to say goodbye.

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My Dad passed away recently. My neighbor asked if she could bring her son because she couldn't find a sitter. He was 2 3/4 years old. I told her yes because even though I was greiving and badly, when I heard him in the back, it reminded me that life goes on and it was a pleasure to hear him among all the tears and crying. This is of course a personal decision but it helped me to see and hear him.

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Only if the kids are family members and were close witht the person as well. My husbands grand-father passed away a year ago. My son was 8 months old and my daughter 2 1/2. We did not take then because 1. they had never met the man and 2. We thought our daughter was to young to understand the concept. Now as she gets older we talk about her great grandfather that passed (my grandpa) and we tell her he's an angel. So we are slowly introducing her to the concept of death.

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Furnerals are suppose to be known for a time of "celebrating" the life and memories of the person, and not a time of sorrow. Why not take the child???? I agree with many that children should be taken to the celebration and memory of the deceased individual, overall a person know what's best for his/her own child and whether or not they can/can not handle the situation at hand.
Most, if not all the time... children do fine at those things!

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Kids need to know about death,cause whether we realize it or not but everyone is born and everyone dies,you cant get around it,so a parent needs to show children at an early age about the truths of life,then they will start to understand about the facts of life.

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allow me to give a different view on this funeral question. Beyond being able to explain to the kids what is going on, are you, their parent able to keep them in line and their behavior in check? If you think that you will be too busy socializing with distant family whom you haven't seen in awhile to keep a proper eye on your children, leave them at home. Nothing destroys the integrity of a funeral or wedding faster than an infant crying, screaming or some ill behaved child running wild through the building interrupting not only the visitation and funeral they are there for, but for the defenseless family down the hall trying to have their own solomn occasion.
If your kid shows his butt in a restaurant or other public place, he will show his butt at the funeral home. Other people who are attending such events are there for their own grieving period, not to help you babysit. It just takes a little common sense on your part for all to experience the event as they would like too.

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I Remember my first one, I was nine. I remember it like it was yesterday. I can say it traumatized me. My parents had to stay with me all night because I kept having nightmares, and after that i could not until later in adult life sleep with the lights off. I kept seeing my great uncle in the chair that he usually sat in, if the light were off I saw him in the shadows. Also I became fixated with death I understood what death meant at least to the best a nine year old could reason. I figured it meant you stopped breathing...so guess what happened I would go to my room and cry, and cry because I thought I was going to die. What if I forgot to stop breathing and died ..then I would have to lay down in that box and get buried in the dirt. I became absorbed in the fact that my grandmother would die soon (my greatuncles twin) If he died surely she would be next so I would call her and check on her afraid she would die. (Im happy to say grandma is now 94 and still with us). All I can say is play it by ear, you know your child if you think they can handle it by all means take them but I believe that experience has traumatized me for life. To this day I have nightmares when I go to funerals.

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