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Compulsive shopping damages relationships
Money is a hot-button issue in many relationships, and when one spouse is more dedicated to the mall than their marriage it can spell disaster.Being married to an over-spender can result in debt and divorce, according to psychologists. And don't think the faltering economy will stop them -- a survey of 1,000 households recently released by HSBC Bank USA revealed that more than half had splurged on something in the recent past, and many did so just because it felt good.
If you're married to someone with "gotta have it" syndrome, you can save your marriage if you tackle the problem together. The first step, experts say, is recognizing that the behavior does have an underlying cause. Most compulsive shoppers are dealing with issues that range from feeling neglected to low self-esteem. Then sit down together, analyze your partner's spending triggers, and write down a plan of attack.
I'm the first one to take out my credit card, but my husband and I agreed to set -- and stick to -- a strict budget this year. We also combined our checking accounts for the first time in our marriage. Knowing I'm accountable to him makes it a lot easier to ask myself, "do I really need that?"
Are you the thrifty one, or do you buy impulsively in spite of your budget?
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
10-01-2008 @ 4:25PM
Jenni said...I am definitely the saver here in our house. My husband...the spender. The way we take care of that is that he is the one who takes care of all the finances. He pays the bills. He accesses the account. He gives me money to spend when there is extra. I tell him when I need or want something.
I willingly gave up this control. If I don't have money in my pocket, I won't spend anything. If he gives me money, half the time that money goes into an envelope in my desk drawer at work to save for something bigger, better, or to surprise him with.
I figure when he comes home with a new toy, we must be able to afford it because he knows, not me. It doesn't bother me because as of yet, when I have asked for money for something specific, he always has it handy. When we have an unplanned event (like a car breaking down...TWICE...in a two month period) he always has enough to get it fixed.
Many people think this is strange that I give up that much control financially; I call it trust. And, by not knowing how much he is spending and on what, it doesn't drive me insane when he buys random "junk" that we don't need. I trust he knows where we stand financially and how it will affect us.
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10-01-2008 @ 4:51PM
sandy said...I hear that! My husband and I have an agreement that if we want to purchase anything over $50, we have to consult each other first. It's worked out well in the ten years we've been married, but then again, neither of us are compulsive spenders.
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10-02-2008 @ 10:12AM
Kath said...I need a little help with this subject, my husband since 09-08-01 has a problem with compulsive spending, three years prior to us being married I gave him my paycheck to start saving for a home, wedding a future together,he is in banking to I trusted him knowing his work,I brought home the bulk of our money till 2003 when our second girl was born,four times now he has put us in majior debt with his addiction to shopping, he lies to me about it ,gets most of the items delivered to his work, or shops on his lunch, or at night, when I am working and the girl's are sleeping, my girl's expect toys from him after I leave for work he bring's them in the house, I don;t know what to do, he will not talk to me about, I have begged pleaded, put my foot down,talked with his parents,told him to leave, I amlost and do not know what to do? He will not go to conseling because he feels they just put all the blame on him,we tried it three years ago, we stopped going. How can I help him if he does not want the help,I can't let my girl's learn these behaviors, I still love him but this is hurting me and our family I don't know what is left of our love that can be fixed. Any suggestions?
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10-02-2008 @ 11:54AM
Jenni said...Put him on an allowance. The reason that my husband and I started things the way we do them is because I wasn't responsible with my money. Sure, I'm not a huge spender, but I had gotten us into debt by not paying things off (like my student loans). So, my husband takes care of all the money.
Every payday, he gives me money. Sometimes it's a lot; sometimes it just $20. Typically, it's between $80 and $100. It's only two weeks that that money has to last me. I don't have to buy anything with it, I can buy whatever I want with it. It's entirely up to me.
It used to be that he would give me cash to buy groceries, gas, and other household items (this is in addition to that allowance). We are now at the point where he just tells me, "There is $___ to spend on groceries."
What I found I got myself into wasn't necessarily the same problem your husband has. I don't buy things. I would always spend money on food, gas, or household items. But, I wouldn't budget myself and would find myself overdrawing because of it. We went back and found that my second job was basically just paying my overdraft charges.
When I pay for things with a charge card or debit card, I typically think, "Eh, what's one more dollar". When I have cash, I really have to think about if I want it or not.
I can't ever spend the entire allowance he gives me. I put it away in my desk at work. When he gives me my allowance, I take the left over, put it in an envelope, and save it. Typically, I spend that on something big for him for his birthday or Christmas. He gives me additional money for these times, but it's nice knowing that I was able to save more money to totally wow him. Last year I was able to get him something that was twice as much as he gave me to spend for Christmas; and that was purely on what I had saved on my own. So I was able to use the money he gave me on other little items I wanted to get him.
I'm a big believer that the one who is in charge of the budget is fully in charge. The one who isn't in charger should ask before spending, unless it's cash given to them. I don't even have my debit card or any other credit cards in my wallet until he gives them to me with the amount I can spend on them.
If I don't have it, I can't spend it.
I say this like it's real easy; but it actually took me more than a year to get used to this. We went through many arguments about it; but in the end, I love it! Plus, my husband is realy good about having extra money so when I say I want or need something, I know I'll be able to get it. Giving up that control of the money was VERY difficult, especially since I was completely on my own for 10 years before we got married. Not having to account to someone for that long and then having to give it all up was VERY difficult. But our marriage is better because of it.
Some call it him-controlling-me; it's not at all. It's us balancing each other out in our strengths. I know my weakness is money. I need to see and use the cash to fully know what I have and am able to spend. I think that's how many people get into debt (plastic doesn't give you a true sense of how much money you are spending).