More men taking their wives' last names
Categories: Just for moms, Just for dads, Love & sex, In the news
When I married the first time, I was quite young and didn't think twice about taking my husband's last name as my own. That's what a woman does when she marries, right? But when I married again nearly 20 years later, I didn't even consider taking my new husband's name. Well, maybe I considered it. But after realizing that he didn't care what I called myself, I knew that I would always and forever be a Maple. What we didn't discuss during those pre-marital negotiations was him taking my last name.
I don't think he would have done it even if I had suggested it, but there are men who would - and do - happily change their last names to that of their wives. There are no real statistics on the subject, but anecdotal evidence suggests that this might even be a trend. And while this trend my seem terribly modern to some, it was actually not uncommon in 14th and 15th century England for men to take their wives' last names if hers was more prominent.
These days, I imagine a man would have a better reason than popularity to exchange the name he was born with for his wife's. Maybe hers is easier to pronounce. Maybe a hyphenated version of both their names would be long and awkward. Or maybe he just likes her name better. I understand why couples want to have the same last name - to show they are united as a family and for the sake of the children. But I see no reason why it must be his last name. Do you?
I don't think he would have done it even if I had suggested it, but there are men who would - and do - happily change their last names to that of their wives. There are no real statistics on the subject, but anecdotal evidence suggests that this might even be a trend. And while this trend my seem terribly modern to some, it was actually not uncommon in 14th and 15th century England for men to take their wives' last names if hers was more prominent.
These days, I imagine a man would have a better reason than popularity to exchange the name he was born with for his wife's. Maybe hers is easier to pronounce. Maybe a hyphenated version of both their names would be long and awkward. Or maybe he just likes her name better. I understand why couples want to have the same last name - to show they are united as a family and for the sake of the children. But I see no reason why it must be his last name. Do you?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 3)
ame s 10-06-2008 @ 5:52PM
I took my late-husband's name and my current husband's name. If I hadn't taken my late-husband's name, I still would have used his last name for my children. Otherwise, it could have been assumed by some that he was not their biological father.
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Laura 10-07-2008 @ 9:13PM
I think you're all missing the point. I'm reading a lot of comments that discuss how having a different last name is troublesome for children. This article is not talking about having a different last name. It's about Bob Jones marrying Sue Smith and becoming Bob and Sue Smith instead of Bob and Sue Jones. I grew up with my mother and stepfather and the children they had together. I had a different last name than them (my father's from my mother's first marriage) and yes, it was complicated. For this reason I want to have the same last name as y husband and kids. Because of this, either my fiance or myself will change our last name when we marry next year.....but we haven't figured out who's changing yet!
Also to answer the question about what to call the family unit. I have an Aunt who kept her last name when she married my Uncle. 1-their household is called the Esmay/Bailey (her/him) residence. 2-The kids have their father's name as their last name and their mother's name as their middle name. S--- Esmay Bailey and N--- Esmay Bailey. It's not complicated and noone's had trouble yet.
Cynthia 10-06-2008 @ 7:58PM
I had no intention of changing my last name when we married. I like my last name and it didn't matter one whit to my husband. We did have a lighthearted conversation about him changing his last name to mine, but as expected, he was happy with his name as well.
When we decided to have a child, he said he would be perfectly happy to have them take my last name. I thought this was generous of him but proposed an alternative: if we had a daughter, she would have my name, if a son, his. We had a girl. It is not unusual for children to have different last names than one of their parents - we could not possibly care less if someone was ignorant enough to question her parentage.
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Debi 10-07-2008 @ 9:34PM
Got a couple of questions...What would the neighbors call the family unit? When my Mom was growing up she was a Smith, so neighbors said; "The Smiths live in the blue house." Later she married a Jones, "The Jones' live on the corner." So what do they say now? "Those people with all the different last names live in the brown house??" Seems unnecessarily confusing to me! Can you imagine the assumptions the kids friends would make? "Why is your twin brothers last name different??" Might as well name them Moon Unit and Dweezil.
Cynthia 10-07-2008 @ 9:01PM
They use our first names - we're friendly like that. Believe it or not, in much of the world it is not a given that anyone will change their name when married. In Quebec, for instance, it is most certainly the norm for women and men to keep their own last names, and it is not at all uncommon in my province either.
There are children living with parents, grandparents, step-parents, children whose parents have divorced and remarried (or widowed and remarried), and hyphenated names out the wazoo. It is hardly shocking that my daughter shares her mother's last name.
Perhaps if children are listening to their parents make assumptions about "those people with all the different last names" they might notice, but I sincerely doubt my child will be tortured by the assumptions of her classmates or small-minded neighbourhood gossips.
Karen 10-07-2008 @ 8:37AM
Well, the research I've read says that YOUR CHILD cares whether or not you have the same last name.
So, I don't care what last name you use, his/hers - pick on out of the blue, but it is best for the family to all have the same last name. Yes, there are families where it isn't an issue, but it is an issue for most children.
Plus, I can understand a child getting a sense of identity from having the same name as their parents, but what kind of insecurity does someone have to have as an adult to insist on keeping their own name. Marriage is a union. Having the same name is a symbol of that union and I think it is a very small thing that helps strengthen the marriage.
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ame s 10-07-2008 @ 5:51PM
Thank you!
I am of the same opinion, but evidently some parents don't care how their children feel about it.
Gloria 10-08-2008 @ 9:07AM
I absolutely agree with you. My parents gave me my father's last name. My mother divorced my father when I was still in diapers and changed back to her maiden name. When I got older to notice that her last name was different from mine, I felt awkward--like I didn't belong. (Especially when a teacher or coach questioned me about it.) I even remember asking her one time why she didn't change my name to her maiden name. I think that made her feel bad. At any rate, I'm married now and took my husbands last name. Our daughter has the same last name as us and I told my husband if any thing happens to "us" (i.e. divorce, or God forbid, he passes on) then I will keep my married name so it matches with our daughters. I refuse to put her through the same awkwardness I felt as a child
Jenni 10-07-2008 @ 9:35AM
On the day of our wedding we began a MARRIAGE! We became one. The best gift I could ever have given my husband was to take his name and show the world that we belong together.
Could he have taken my name, yeah I guess. But he gives me so much more in our life together, this was small in comparisson.
You are entitled your your opinions and beliefs, as am I. You happen to believe that it's no big deal; I happen to believe that it's a huge deal. For me, it's a symbol of belonging together. And sure, it's "just a symbol" and there is more to it underneath all that. But you could say the same about rings, a marriage certificate, etc...
Just like any symbolic item or gesture, it's the meaning behind it.
(Oh, and Karen, you are very right!)
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vaapple4 10-08-2008 @ 1:18AM
Good lord.. you actually think your partner gives more to the marriage than you do and it is your duty to take his name to show him how grateful you are that he is marrying you??? Wow.. were you abused as a child? I am partly serious, because this comment smacks of someone who survived abuse.. a pattern of low self esteem and a general brainwashing. Very scary.
isisaquaria 10-07-2008 @ 9:59AM
The kids do suffer---you may not care about the idiots that ask, but for those uncooth enough to question you in front of your child, it will sting that child. She may never say anything, but as a child it will hang in her mind--once she is older, no big deal (maybe)
I took my husband's name, and my girls have his name, of course. The twins, whom are distant family by geneology-but ours thru adoption--have the grandfathers name and our family name. They are ours, but they have a right to know who they are biologically. The grandfather was selfless enough to give this gift to us, We can honor the fact that they belong to him as well as our family. Two great men, four great children--one family. The inclusion shows the bond.
My daughter's boyfriend mother married had two, remarried had two more. Both fathers are involved, but the older two have repeatly said they feel left out of the new family because everyone knows the names are different. They are loved by all, but it is a point of ilk for the children.
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ame s 10-07-2008 @ 5:52PM
My "father-of-my-children" husband died 5 years ago. When I remarried almost a year ago , my youngest child (then 7 years old) started hyphenating my new husband's last name onto hers unprompted the week after our wedding, before we had even mentioned adoption to them.
I understand that during this day and age, with people divorcing multiple times and women having 3 children by 3 different men, etc., it isn't always possible for everyone in a household to have the same last name, but I do think having the same last name brings a sense of unity to any family.
Miss Teppermann 10-07-2008 @ 9:36PM
Well, my mother did keep her maiden name because my father has the same last name. When I am introduced to people in her hometown as her daughter, they just look at us like we just bit a head off a chicken. People really are that backwards in this day and age. I have to backtrack and explain that my parents are totally married and have the same last name. The same thing with systems that need your mother's maiden name to complete an application. Depending on the situation, sometimes it makes me feel like people think I'm illegitimate. But you all might say that I'm the one with the problem. Okay, so it irks me that people think that of me.
isisaquaria 10-08-2008 @ 2:31PM
Ame s-- you are right, it is not always possible. The family of four boys, two involved fathers mentioned above is an example of where the different last names is somewhat hard to avoid. The older two very much love dad and do not call step-dad by anything other than his given name. They are very quick to point out that he is not dad. But at the same time, they respect his position in the home and understand his rules and dad's rules are different--both must be followed--
Miss T--your situation is unique, but it is your reality.
In all honesty, it is no one's business, the post asked what you did or what do you think. I know this, if my husband passes away--I will not remarry, and there will be no more children for me. My children will have the name of the man they called daddy until they choose to change it. After over 20 total yrs together, there is no one who would treat me as well and no one I could love the way I love my hero.
Dave 10-07-2008 @ 11:59AM
The only way a child will feel any negative feelings about their name is if the parents feed into the negativity. My wife and I have four sons. The older three are my stepsons, while the youngest is ours biologically. I always introduced the steps as my "sons", not my "stepsons". We have been asked by rude people, in front of the boys, if they were "Mom or Dads boys" when they heard the different last names. My oldest son, when he was about 16 years old, responded to a lady at church, "Why does it matter?", when she asked that question. Let me tell you , her face turned red and she shut right up! The key is to always show the same love respect and discipline to all the children, no matter whose blood they have. My sons have always known that I love them as if I were their biological father. In the light of that familial closeness, the fact that they don't share the same name as their parents (my wife took my name) was never an issue.
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jenny161942 10-07-2008 @ 8:17PM
So I pose another question...a lot of the comments have talked about the women marrying and the kids having different last names. Well, most of the time it is the mother that ends up with the kids....my father got custody of me when I was little, but it is less common, you will agree...so why not give all of the kids the mothers last name? She did most of the hard work, why not reward her?
Another thought is that some societies in the past have gone by matrilineal lines...meaning they followed the mothers lines, because they could never 'really' be sure if the father was the father. You definitely know who the mom is, right? So, why is it that we insist on following the lines through the male, it makes more sense to follow the mothers line than the fathers. And yes I know we have DNA testing, however it still makes more sense....as I said before she does the hard work, he just contributes a little at the beginning!
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Dodged5 10-08-2008 @ 12:28AM
To Jenny161942. So you're saying that all those diapers I changed, meals I cooked, laundry I did, doctors visits, sports games I coached and took the kids to, my time as a scout leader, work that I went to five days a week to earn money, the house that I completely remodeled, the yard work I did, the cars I kept running,, and the numerous other things I did over the years to give my family a healthy, happy life and home and a decent start in their own lives, not to mention all the gray hairs I earned over the years, it all counts for nothing? The only thing of significance that I did in all those years was to act as a sperm donor to start the ball rolling. It was all my wife after that. She did all the work? She deserves all the credit? Sorry, but I beg to differ with you on that.
We are a family. We functioned as a family and we all had our responsibilities. I had mine, my wife had hers and the kids had theirs. There was never any one of us that was more important than another. Now that the kids are off on their own and raising families of their own I still feel of value in their lives and the lives of my seven grandchildren. Don't even try to reduce my contribution to the lives of my children to a few short moments at the beginning. I am more than a sperm donor! Arrrrggg!
Jenni 10-08-2008 @ 2:07PM
Wow! Why so negative on the men?
jenny161942 10-08-2008 @ 3:23PM
I was not belittling the men's involvement...I'm talking about the birthing process and who carries the baby. As you can see my father had custody of me...so no I am not man bashing. I was not talking about the child's entire life. We can all agree that in most cases it is the mother that takes on the majority of child duties. If it is different in your household, I commend you, however it is not the norm. And, for the record....changing diapers is NOT equal to giving birth. Giving birth can kill you...changing diapers will not.
Now, on another note...I was making a point that if the woman is to be an equal partner and parent...then why should she have to give up her last name? Why can't he give up his last name? I think 9 months (or more if there are multiple children) is an even trade for a last name.
A'Lee 10-07-2008 @ 8:27PM
My husband and I got married after knowing each other for eleven years. I had had a career, traveled the world, and been to college twice before dating him. I liked my last name and saw no need to change it. My husband knew I was a strong woman so I figured that he knew I didn't want to change my name. When the subject came up, he really wanted us to share a last name. (His mother had not changed hers, and he felt that had contributed to his parents' divorce.) I made it clear that I wasn't going to change mine, but he suggested a compromise -- he would hyphenate my last name if I would do the same. So that's what we did (with my name first). I totally understand wanting to show unity in a marriage. As far as I am concered, marriage is for life, but no woman should feel as though she has to give up something to be married. She should not be made to feel like she is losing part of herself or her identity. There is always a compromise, a way that two people can become one, without sacrificing the other's feelings. And after all, isn't compromise what marriage is all about?
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