Playground etiquette - Letting kids be kids?

If my kid got pushed and fell funny I'd tell her to fall better and not to fight with her friends so much. Ditto for the other way around.

That said, it's very easy to imagine that current trends - or what we *perceive* as current trends, they may not be as trendy or as current as we think! - will have a lasting impact.

And they might, they might indeed.

But that impact may be far different from what we think now. Impossible to tell while we're blinded by the present.

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Kids play hard sometimes. They also let bygones be bygones a lot more easily than we parents do. When, as in the example cited in the article, two close friends get angry with each other (who of us can say that our friends never tick us off?), there is a short-lived burst of "steam", then the friendship is closer than ever. However, when a serious injury is sustained by one or the other, the parents of the injured child should expect that the parents of the non-injured child make it right by at least paying for the hospital visit. Accidents happen. This type of situation should be used as a lesson-learning experience for both of the children. Both children and both sets of parents should go to the hospital, so that the lesson is driven home. Believe me, the two kiddoes will be playing with each other as friendly as ever, even as the parents are still shooting glares at each other. We should learn from the kids that these things happen and we can come out the other side with our friendship intact.

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I agree with letting kids settling their own disagreements. I do this with my own children. I use to hate it, being the older child, being told that I should know better and to just understand how my younger sibling felt. Hell, it is still going on into adulthood. I refuse to do that with my children. My son may only be 2.5 yrs old, but he knows what annoys his older, 6 yr old, sister and is not always totally innocent.

As for the broken arm incident, I would be extremely annoyed by the fact that I would be out of pocket for a broken arm, but kids have broken bones, before, all on their own. As long as there was no bullying going on and the other child was not trying to cause harm, I would chalk it up to kids being kids. Now, I say that without any major injuries to either one of my kids. However, having a daughter, I have had to deal with emotional trauma. We have always told her that she must learn how to get along and stand up for herself, because we won't always be there to solve her problems. The problem was mainly because my daughter insisted on playing with older girls and we simply informed her that them calling her a baby was a consequence of that. Recently, she has told us that she can play with the older girls and not "be a baby". The best way to learn how to move through society is to fall and get back up, broken bones and all.

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We've actually been in almost this situation. We were at a friend's house when their daughter playfully pushed my son out of his chair (they were both in high spirits) and he broke his arm. Freak accident. It was just the way that he fell. It could have resulted in nothing more than a brief scolding to them both to settle down, but because he hit the floor just right, it resulted in a rush to the ER, a cast for 5 weeks, and a few visits to the pediatric orthopedist.

The parents were distraught. Absolutely beside themselves. My attitude was, hey, accidents happen. No hard feelings. He lived and he'll always have a funny story to tell.

Now, these two were playing, versus your story which involved a scuffle, but I think that the same rules apply. They were kids doing kid things. Being too rough, taking it too far. There was no malicious intent. Had the child fallen in another direction or not fallen at all, there would have been no broken arm. It was simply bad luck. One child did not break another child's arm. There was simply an accident that resulted from the kids being a bit too physical and in a very unfortunate and unlucky turn of events, the boy fell in such a way as to break his arm. Chance in a million. Both sides need to move on and get back to enjoying their children. Children will be children, accidents will happen, and life goes on. This need to assign blame for every incident is ridiculous. Life happens. Enjoy the adventure with a smile on your face.

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Sometimes I think the hardest thing to do is stand back long enough to let children work out their own disputes. As a teacher, I
sometimes find myself trying to spare a student from some emotional upset and taking big issue when someone is acting downright mean. But one thing I've noticed, especially with older children, is the more I intervene, the more opportunities they create for me to intervene. I hear more tattling, more not-so-nice whispering to each other once I've said my peace. It's as if they long for me to solve the problem for them in hopes of being proved right. Once I decided to take a step back, and, at most, guide them in how to appropriately and respectfully deal with the issue themselves, they began to stop pointing fingers and get along much better.

We've all had to deal with adults who obviously struggle in social
situations. Perhaps they throw a public fit when they don't get what
they want or just can't seem to let something go. Maybe they refuse
to take any sort of responsibility for their actions and constantly
find someone else to blame for their current situation, and we have
to wonder what fundamental learning experiences they missed in
childhood that could have caused them to become so abrasive. In these moments I realize that in a time when lawsuits are prevalent and the blame game is replayed nightly on any given news network, we are showing our kids that any mistake is OK as long as they can prove that it's not their fault.

I think it's incredibly important for the parents in this situation
to accept that children will inevitably argue and sometimes even get
hurt. As much as we'd love to prevent that, it's a part of childhood
and a valuable learning experience. If we model blaming instead of
conflict resolution and forgiveness we miss the lesson and so do our
kids. We can't change what others do in these situations, but we can control our reactions and, in the process, raise more responsible children.

BusyBeesLearning.com

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Another consideration is that kids are much less likely to be playing "on the street" with their neighborhood friends. When I look back and think how I learned social skills, it was by venturing down the street and hanging out with other kids with no adult supervision at all. Because kids basically want to be accepted, we would tread softly and feel each other out to figure out the best social approach with each new friend. Beginning before KG, we spent part of every day doing this, and the majority of the summers. I don't see much of that happening any more.

I wouldn't say I'm blinded by the present, Uly. I've watched/helped a few generations grow up now, so I think my observations have stood the test of time.

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Ah, Uly, you are yet very young. When you are my age, if you have are good at pattern recognition, you will be the one predicting the future.

Experience IS the best teacher, after all.

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I cannot agree more that kids today have a harder time playing without "adult guidance" than we did growing up - and here is why. My son is 9 and my daughter is 6 and I am still uncertain as to what their boundaries outside are. It seems that each day there is some story on the news about another child abducted, or another child predator is found. When is a child "old enough" to play unsupervised in the neighborhood? I remember going to the park with my friends at 10 or 11 years old. When I think about my children going to the park by themselves - all I can think is "God forbid, what if ...". So the alternative is to take them to the park, sign them up for team sports, arrange play dates - all with parents within a shouting distance. Children are rarely given the chance to "unsupervised play" to learn how to work things out on their own.

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My main concern would be how the non injured child felt when the other child broke their arm. Was there a sense of compassion or remorse? Likely, it's a case of such a young child not being able to see the full repercussions of their actions not a physically abusive child.
All children will fight and sometimes that includes getting physical. Especially little boys.

I think some parents get too involved in childhood disputes. Nothing looks more silly to a child then to see another kid cry and run off to mommy over a minor infraction. Parents that encourage this aren't doing their kids any favors.

Adults all to often want to place labels on children. Sometimes they are correct but other times they create a bigger problem. if a child is labeled as a trouble maker they are damned if they do and damned if they don't. Take Huckleberry Finn for an example. He caused a whole lotta mischief and I bet most parents wouldn't want their children to play with him, but was he a "bad" child lacking compassion for other people? How about Curious George? Is he unruly and rude or just overly curious and thirsty for learning?

While not physical, I got in a fight once with my best friend as a kid the first day of summer and didn't speak to her until one week before school started. While most likely uncomfortable for our parents, who were also friends, they did not intervene. We remained best friends for over 15 years after that incident.

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