Should kids sleep in parents' bed?
Categories: Babies, Toddlers, Kids 5-7, Sleep
I receive many emails and letters every week asking for my advice on parenting issues. Well, this week, I'm asking readers to give me advice on my current parenting dilemma -- kids sleeping in our bed!
Here's the lowdown: as many of you know, I have five kids. The youngest, Paloma, is five months old and sleeps in a co-sleeper next to my side of the bed. She still gets up five times a night to nurse and/or use my breast as a pacifier. Upon hearing this, a good friend recommended I buy a pacifier. Though I never used one with my other kids, I bought one and Paloma likes it and uses it. Unfortunately, she often loses it during the night which results in her waking up and my having to wake up to find it or nurse her back to sleep. My two year-old, John-Paul, sleeps most of the night in a crib in his room. However, he wakes up every morning at 4:30 am screaming at the top of his lungs to be taken out of his crib. He's stubborn and loud so we end up getting up and bringing him to our bed because we don't want his screams to wake up the baby. Our four year-old, Lucia, and six year-old, Jack, will also come into our bed, though the days and times vary. There are mornings when we wake up to all three kids in the bed. Recently, we purchased bunk beds and instead of storing the old toddler bed in the basement, we put it in our room in hopes that at least one of them would sleep in it. Occasionally, Lucia will, but inevitably, she ends up in our bed before the night is over.
Having kids in the bed disrupts our sleep and God knows that parents with five kids need their sleep. On the other hand, we know that this stage is limited (our nine year-old no longer comes to our bed at night ) and that we will one day pine for the days when our kids loved to crawl in our bed and cuddle. What should we do?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
Karen 10-10-2008 @ 9:00AM
Well, we can't tell you what you should do. You have to decide what you WANT to do.
All of us can offer you ways we got our own kids to sleep in their own beds, or tell you it didn't matter to us if they slept with us. Some might say let them start there, others may say you will never have independent children if you don't get them in their beds and pronto.
But ultimately, it comes down to what you want. If you secretly enjoy the snuggle moments, even though it disrupts your sleep then go with that. If you really need your sleep and it is bothering you, then you need to set limits and not allow them in your bed. That means sleep is harder while you enforce your decision, but you can train them to sleep in their own bed.
So...what is it you REALLY want?
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MommyDeDos 10-10-2008 @ 9:21AM
I am comforable with the "family bed." I did many searches trying to research information on the risks and benefits of allowing your children to sleep in the parents bed. Some say that it creates a special bond and trust on the childs end, and that it can actually help the parent sleep more soundly early on because you know your child is safe and protected. Now that my son is almost 3 I'm hoping he will develop a desire to sleep in his "really cool Mickey Mouse bed." My youngest son is 9 months and he LOVES his crib. When he wakes up to nurse and I attempt to lay him in bed with me he cries until he's back in his crib. So, my goal is to move them both out of my room together so I can reclaim my bed and they will be together in their room. If it doesn't work, I guess I'm just gonna have to buy a bigger bed, lol. And thanks for the heads up with putting the toddler bed in your room, that was my next idea, but it doesn't seem to work well.
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bloggingmom67 10-10-2008 @ 9:22AM
I agree with Karen.
It's really up to you what you want. I'm not the kind of person who can handle sleeping with my kids, so they've always been in a crib, bed (unless they were sick or had a nightmare, but then right back to bed when things were better.)
If your kids are used to coming in your bed, it's a hard habit to break. But it is breakable. You could move the 5-month-old to a crib, which would cut down on nighttime wake-ups. (Might cry a little at first during transition, but at 5 months she doesn't nutrionally need to nurse five times a night. I know nursing provides other benefits, comfort, etc. But if you want your bed back, that's a way to start.)
As for the 6, 4 and 2 year-olds ... that will be tougher. It's harder to teach an old dog new tricks. But I'd explain during the day at a non stressful time that they won't be sleeping with you anymore. Maybe do a countown: Tell them on Monday, only 5 more days to come in our bed; on Friday night you'll be grown up and no more coming in mommy and daddy's bed.
If you make it a right of passge, it might work. They'll want to "win" -- at least my kids always do. You might even try a reward for staying in their bed the whole night, stickers on a sheet -- when they go a whole week, they get a small Dollar Store toy.
Then stick with it. If the older kids comes to you bed, just send them right back (once you've checked there isn't something really wrong, of course.) So what if they wake the baby. Better to wake the baby one or two nights than not get any sleep for you for months.
Hope that helps. And good luck how ever you decide to handle it.
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Chere 10-10-2008 @ 10:32AM
Rachel,
I am in the same boat as you. My 2 1/2 year old sleeps in my bed every night. I have to say I really don't mind and like you said i try to remember that one day she won't want to sleep in my bed anymore. On the other hand I feel like she should be sleeping in her own bed, but now that she is older it is not as easy. When she was younger she actually slept in her crib, I had read this book that said to put her in her crib, if she cries to pick her up, but put her back in the bed right after that and to keep repeating this process it actually worked. But then I became a single parent and we moved to a different place and well, that was over and she wanted to sleep with me and that was fine because I thought she just had to get used to her new enviornment. But no, she has never left my bed. She loves her room, but when it comes to sleeping she is right by my side. We are moving to a bigger house and I am assuming the same thing is going to happen. She still has a crib now, so I am in the process of finding a toddler bed, I am going to have her help pick out the bed in hopes that this may encourage her to sleep in her brand new bed that she helped pick out with mommy.
I like the idea of having a count down for them to sleep in their own bed. If you make it a game they may be more inclined to sleep in their own bed. I think we just have to be diligent about it. If they come in the bedroom we need to walk them back to their bed, ease their fears and just keep repeating the process and eventually it will work. It is just difficult when you are sleepy and in your case you have a baby also. But, a few of those interrupted nights of sleep may be worth it in the long run.
Here are 2 links that talks about how to get them to sleep in their own bed.
http://family.go.com/parentpedia/toddler/sleep/toddler-own-bed/
http://www.thelaboroflove.com/articles/how-can-we-get-our-toddler-to-sleep-in-their-bed/
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vacelts 10-10-2008 @ 10:46AM
I was debating this very same issue about a year ago after reading a NY Times article that said more people were letting their kids sleep with them.
http://redlightnaps.wordpress.com/2007/10/25/is-co-sleeping-okay/
Now a year, I can say that it's very rare for my kids to crawl into my bed any more.
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ELR 10-10-2008 @ 12:34PM
Enjoy it while you can...that's what we do:)
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irishvixen7879 10-10-2008 @ 12:40PM
My sister has four girls, ranging in age from 12 to 4. She has never allowed them to sleep in the bed with her. If they ever crawled into the bed, she would walk them back to their bed and snuggle them in and tell them to go back to sleep. She just never felt comfortable with the idea of children in the bed she shares with her husband.
I have one child at the moment, a boy of 7. Up until he was about 3, I always let him fall asleep in the bed with me and then I would carry him to his crib, which was in our bedroom. We got him a toddler bed and put it in another room. After a few weeks of sitting in the room with him until he fell asleep he began going to sleep there on his own. To this very day, about once every couple of weeks, he will wake up during the night and crawl in bed with us. Sometimes I walk him back to his bed, and sometimes I just let him sleep with us.
My sister's children and my son are all very independent. I think with my son, knowing that he can come to mommy and daddy gives him a sense of security. It does not really bother me or my husband. I believe that every case is individual, because every child is different. If you want to try getting away from the situation, maybe try sitting in the room with them until they go to sleep, and if they get in bed with you let them fall back asleep and then carry them to their bed (depending on how heavy they are of course). After awhile start walking them straight back to their bed if they get into yours. Snuggle them in, give them kisses, and then say a quiet prayer that it works on your way back to bed. Hopefully it will work eventually. Good luck to you!
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janie 10-10-2008 @ 12:46PM
When my daughter was nursing (until she was 7 months old and her teeth came in) she slept with me. then we put her in her room in her crib. Within a week she'd learned to roll over the top rail and slide down the bar and drop to the floor and scream upon landing (it was about an 18 inch drop) so my husband built a bed using the crib matress that had two inch feet/legs so she could roll off and only fall about 8 inches to a thick carpet. She'd crawl to her door and scream until someone came and got her which was usually about the time my husband was up getting ready for work. She got used to sleeping in her room and having her father put her in bed with me in the morning. We started keeping her up later on Fridays and Saturdays so she wouldn't wake up so early on Sat and Sun. By age 5 she started school and only crawled in bed with us on weekends unless she was sick. She's 36 now and I am glad we shared morning snuggles those early years. Cherish your children because time goes by quickly.
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Melissa 10-10-2008 @ 12:50PM
I rocked my little girl to sleep until she was almost a yr old, and once she was asleep I would put her in her crib....by 4 am she was hungry, and since I worked, it was just easier to take her into bed with me (I'm a single mom)....She's 2 and a half now, and I lay down with her on my mom's bed (we all live together), and then take her to her own bed....sometimes she will wake up and want to come to bed with my mom or with me, but for the most part she stays in her own room through the night. I know that the day is coming when she will want to go to bed in her own bed, on her own (she's asked to go to her bed several times already), and much as I like my sleep, because I do work full time, I know will be longing for those days when she used to call out "Mommy" and I would take her in bed and she would snuggle up next to me, in 110 degree weather lol, and we would both wake up sweating like pigs, but I loved it, it was our special time....anyway, you have to figure what works best for you guys, and in the meantime, I hope you guys have a really BIG bed lol!
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Carrie 10-10-2008 @ 1:32PM
I was prepared to see the most awful comments here telling about the horrors of letting a baby sleep in your bed, and was so pleasantly surprised to see the reasonableness shown here!
Cosleeping has been practiced in almost every (if not every!) culture around the world since the beginning of time. Cosleeping babies and tots and kids are LESS likely to be abused than those who sleep in other rooms, despite the current thinking of most American parents.
My oldest is 10 and I have 4 kids and all of them spent time nestled in my bed. It was a joyous time for everyone involved, and for those with sexual "issues" who think you can't enjoy a great sex life when you have a sleeping baby in the bed, think again.
Get creative. There's always the floor, the closet, the bathroom, the kitchen table, the sofa, the guest room... or the empty baby nursery. Kids should never be an excuse not to connect with your mate.
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jen 10-10-2008 @ 2:44PM
What a strange post...I have NEVER heard of a single "American" parent thinking that co-sleeping could lead to abuse of a child, much less it being the "current thinking of most" of us!!
Carrie 10-10-2008 @ 3:10PM
Jen your experience has been vastly different from my own then. Almost everyone who has voiced their opinion on the topic to me, parents I've read about (including commenters on this blog) have said that cosleeping is somehow inappropriate or a perversion even, or at the very least that it would ruin marriages.
You must have a more enlightened community! :)
jen 10-10-2008 @ 3:48PM
Carrie - If you mean it's harder to have sex with your partner when there are children in your bed, then yes, of course I've heard that. But your previous post implied that many parents think co-sleeping somehow leads to child abuse and you also imply that there have been studies on it (since you say "Cosleeping babies and tots and kids are LESS likely to be abused..."). I've never heard this argument raised when reading about/discussing this issue, so I'm surprised when you say that almost everyone you discuss it with thinks co-sleeping is a "perversion". But i'm realatively new to this web community, so maybe I do hang out with a more "enlightened" group!
Kns 10-10-2008 @ 6:57PM
It is very sad that someone would think cosleeping is perverted. I'm sure there are cases of such but there are many children that need the love and attachment of a parent to help them when they have bad dreams, are scared, going through tough times(divorce) and to state things that a mother or father are dealing in perversion because they allow a child in their bed is absurd. My children are very stable, warm, independent, happy, and loved because of being allowed in my room when ever they choose. Shame on society for judging anyone for doing anything but caring for their children the way they need too. God does not want you to judge!! Who is the pervert in thinking of the perversion??
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DD 10-11-2008 @ 12:16AM
While I dont think that children sleeping in bed with their parents is perverted at all. I do believe that it does not teach them independance. I believe this will create more of a separation anxiety. I enjoy when my 2 year old crawls in be with me in the morning but I never allow her to sleep with me at night She has her own room & she enjoys it very much. I like that fact that she wants to be independant at this young age.
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ablndmomnt 10-11-2008 @ 12:36AM
Since birth my daughter has had a strange attachment to me, knew when I was in the room and would not allow anyone to put her in her bassinet, she wanted mommy, so yes she slept in my bed. She's 9 and still sleeps in my bed from time to time. My 6 year old also slept in my bed during the night for feedings, he was bottled fed and it was our time to bond all snuggled in bed and guess what, he still sleeps with me from time to time. I think for me the only idea of perversion comes from the families like the one down the street from me where the teenage children still sleep with mom and dad. I think when the kids know how they were conceived and where it gets a little weird, but just my thoughts. Good luck Rachel since this was supposed to help you.
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Amy 10-11-2008 @ 12:47AM
I think the very first post, by Karen, was bang on! :)
If you enjoy co-sleeping, then do it ! If you don't, I assure you, you CAN get them out of your bed, or get them to stop crying out to you at night, or get them to fall asleep w/o needing to be nursed, or get them to stop forcing you to start your day at 4:30am!
I've had a nightmare sleeper child and a pretty good one. The nightmare sleeper slept in his crib just fine, but woke a bazillion times a night and got up at the crack of dawn and couldn't ever ever EVER fall to sleep w/o being nursed (even at 10 mo). We Ferberized him and he has, literally, slept through the night in his own bed ever since (he's now 4yo). It was the hardest thing I've ever done as a parent. 3 hrs of screaming x 3 nights nearly killed me, but it was as if a switch flipped and he was completely fixed in the course of three days. Freaky.
My pretty good sleeper would NOT sleep in her crib, in her own room. This was true from the get go. But, she slept like a dream in bed with me! After the Hell we went through w/child number one, I thought I was out of my tree, allowing her to start some sort of sleeping habit I'd have to work to break later! But, she was ok. My husband slept on the couch until she was 3mo old and I got to enjoy the sweet snuggles and easy nursing for 3 months, It was an experience I didn't plan for but I absolutely loved it.
She was easy on me in that once she went to her own room, she only woke 2x a night to nurse. I drew the line at 10 mo and decided I couldn't cope with fragmented sleep anymore and I let her cry it out at night. It was very easy, she didn't protest long, and he was sleeping through the night by about 4 nights after that.
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Sifrina 10-11-2008 @ 12:53AM
We have friends who have a 6 year old who still sleeps with his parents all night. They say they are working on this, and sure their sleep is getting seriously disturbed (all of them), to make no mention of mom and dad's sex life, but they aren't ready to force the issue and only they can determine when, if ever, to do this. And we all seriously doubt he'll be insisting on this arrangement in a year or two. So, I say this is just something for you and your husband to figure out what you can live with day in and day out. If you both are truly ok with the family bed for a few more years, and the kids are getting enough rest, I say stay the course.
Our 6 year old son is a night owl, but once he's down he's really down until the morning (aside from the occasional fever, illness, etc.). He's been doing this since 6 months of age when we learned he was old enough to sleep through the night and we didn't have to run to him every time he got up. I do remember a toddler phase when my son would wake up in the a.m. (but later than 4:30) screaming so loudly and angrily it seriously concerned me. I almost videotaped it for the pediatrician for evaluation. I asked her when this phase would end and she replied, "He screams; you come running. Why should he change?" I got the point.
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DB 10-12-2008 @ 12:57PM
We have never encouraged our kids to develope a habit of sleeping in our bed, though we do allow it if one is scared, sick, etc. Sometimes we just do it for fun, like watching a movie late at night snuggled together and we just let the older one stay. However, neither my husband nor I get a good night's rest at all when there's a little wiggle-worm heat source in the middle. If we let them, they would beg and pitch a tantrum. Instead we make it clear that the rare occassion is a treat.
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Ellen from MindBites.com 10-13-2008 @ 8:49AM
What seems to be the common thread here between all of the responses is that everyone has their own perspective and unique way of dealing with this common issue. I was very strict with my daughter and would never let her sleep with us and she is extremely indenpendent now, almost to a fault. We have been very lax with our son and he is a snuggle monster. I am not sure which way is the right way to go. I think it depends on how much sleep you need to function during the day and how demanding your day is.
http://www.mindbites.com/content/the-baby-formula
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