Baby name books like to say that one of the first gifts you give your child is their name, totally overlooking genetic gifts like a mathematic deficiency, inability to draw a straight line even when using a ruler, and an aversion to the texture of raisins that are passed on long before little John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmidt ever draws his first non-amniotic fluid-filled breath.

However, for the sake of argument, let's assume the name really is the first present. How in the world, among all the thousands of names out there, will you find the perfect one for your baby? Here are some steps that can be helpful to selecting a name for a child:

• Check out baby name books from the library.
• Realize they are hopelessly outdated and buy an armful of brand new ones from the book store.
• Get clued in to the fact that the names in the new books are exactly the same as the ones in the library books, only printed in a more modern font.
• Look at family trees for names of significance.
• Realize your families are composed of a lot more drunks and/or derelicts than you realized.
• Go back to the baby names books.
• Sleuth for cool names by watching soap operas, reading People magazine, and the ingredient labels on Ben & Jerry ice cream containers
• Trick friends into sharing their saved baby names
• Ask family members for ideas.
• Immediately regret THAT move-who knew everyone was so fond of your ex-boyfriends?!
• Read more baby name books
• Throw Scrabble pieces on the floor and create names out of whatever letters land face up
• Close your eyes, spin around in front of a bookshelf and grab and open a book. Use whatever name or interesting word you find on the page.

Of course, while it's the parents' job to choose the name, it is required for the extended family's task to point out what a crappy gift selection it was and that it should be exchanged before the return policy expires. For best results, don't share the name until after the ink is dry on the birth certificate and then monogram EVERYTHING.