No is not a dirty word
Categories: Preschoolers, Kids 5-7, Kids 8-11, Development, Playground bureau, Extreme childhood
It is so much easier to say "yes" -- or is it? Part of being a good parent is setting limits and doling out the discipline, but so often we find ourselves giving permission even when we shouldn't.At least, I do. With a high-energy (and whip-smart) almost-4-year-old and a new baby at home, it is so much simpler to say yes. Yes, you can watch TV. Yes, you can have a cookie. Yes, you can hold my laptop hostage for three hours while you play games on noggin.com. All to avoid the battle.
No parent wants to be a push-over. And it turns out that kids crave order and boundaries. But how do you set -- and enforce -- healthy rules while also keeping the peace?
The art of diversion: Know what sets your kid off. Does walking by the ice cream shop start the whining? Cross to the other side of the street. You know the triggers, just figure out how to avoid them.
Be generous with praise: I try to catch my kids in the act of being good. Did your child remember to say "thank you?" Tell them you are proud of them.
Set the rules, and stick to them: Kids need structure, and helping them understand what is expected of them goes a long way to avoiding the dreaded tantrum. Be consistent; no one wants to be known as The Enforcer, but you have to stick to your guns.
Consistent consequences: If you make a threat, you have to follow through on it. If your kid is misbehaving in public and you threaten them with going home, be ready to go home if they don't comply.
Don't debate: It isn't a negotiation. Don't get sucked into a debate. The answer is yes or no.
Punishments that fit the crime: A time-out should be deserved. If there is a real violation of the rules, send the offender to the naughty chair, corner or their room for an age-appropriate amount of time. A good rule of thumb is number of minutes per age. My daughter is 3, so she gets three minutes in the naughty chair. And you know what? When I tell her to go and sit there, she does.
Last but not least? Remember, "no" is not a dirty word.
So what about you? Are you a softie like me, or do you set a hard line?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Susan Heim 11-04-2008 @ 5:36PM
Great advice! My kids know me as a tough mom. "No" is not a dirty word. Kids need to learn that life dishes out all kind of "No" answers. We can't always get what we want and we have to deal with that disappointment. Good parents will teach this to their children. It's easier for parents to say "yes," but it's wiser to say "no" when appropriate.
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jeanie 11-04-2008 @ 6:47PM
I tend to the soft side i must say with dismay. I am an older parent and single one to boot, sometimes im so tired i just want peace but i am trying to be harder for the sake of the kids.
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Jan Bay 11-04-2008 @ 8:18PM
Saying no and sticking to it takes much more discipline and strength than going against the grain. The rewards will be reaped a way down the road, but I know they will be there, I am constantly reminding myself of future benefits as I walk away from the screaming kid that wants one more popsicle or the baby that was having a blast pulling on an electrical cord until I came along and stuck my nose in her business.
Jan from http://www.unique-baby-gear-ideas.com/
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Jenni 11-05-2008 @ 11:39AM
I read a study years ago (I'm talking 8-10 years ago but it still rings true) that was done with jail inmates. One quote that haunts my mind to this day was from an inmate. He said, "If someone had just told me no when I was growing up, I wouldn't be here."
Needless to say, the study was about the type of childhood criminals have and many of them live in situations where they have no boundaries; so they grow up to have no boundaries. After reading that study, I have never been afraid to tell a child no.
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