Over-parenting on the rise?
Categories: Babies, Toddlers, Preschoolers, Kids 5-7, Kids 8-11, Teens & tweens, In the news, Playground bureau, Mommy wars, Extreme childhood
A recent review in The New Yorker looks at several new books on overparenting, including one that -- get this -- blames feminism and the Russians for creating the dreaded helicopter parent.Oy.
Included in the review is "A Nation of Wimps: The High Cost of Invasive Parenting," by Hara Estroff Marano. Marano points to a lot of the usual suspects -- spoiling, the desire to live through their offspring -- and throws in some intriguing new factors. The working mother and (this is a good one) the Cold War also take a beating, according to the review.
Marano posits that working moms can hire full-time caregivers to "hover" over their kids in her absence. Oh, but wait! Even worse is the mother who decides to stay at home. The sacrifice of her income and autonomy make her ripe, says Marano, for wanting to reinvest her power in parenting her children.
As for the Cold War, a hard shift in the United States during that era led to an intense focus on math and science in schools, making parents push their children to excel in these subjects so they could "beat the Russians." Even the global economy gets in on the act.
Lordy, remind me not to check this book out from the library.
I can certainly see how moms and dads can get wrapped up in their kids, and how annoying that can be, but to pin the blame on working moms and the Cold War?
Ridiculous.
The New Yorker agrees with me, and calls the current spate of "anti-overparenting" books "pushy," adding that this trend hardly qualifies as a cultural "emergency."
However, I am 100 percent in agreement that overparentng is silly. I'm more of the old-school kind of parent -- get your butt outside and get the stink off, and let me do the dishes in peace. There's nothing wrong with high expectations, but dude. Let them fail once in awhile, would you? A little failure is good for the soul.
That's my take, what's yours?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Laura Grill 11-19-2008 @ 12:23PM
I totally agree with what you are saying. Just last week I was at an early childhood conference and they were talking about over-parenting. The best was when the audience was asked to think of their fondest memory from childhood. The audience thought, it was supposed to be the first memory that jumps into your head. Then the speak asked if the memory occurred at school. Out of 1000 people one hand went up. Then we were asked whether the memory occurred with a parent. A few hands went up. Then we were asked if the memory was with a friend. All of the hands in the audience went up.
It is important to allow your children to take risks (even somewhat dangerous ones in moderation) and to allow them to fail and get burnt. All parents that I have ever said this to are in shock, they don't want their child to get burnt, but we all learn from our mistakes, and parents don't need to be the center or a child's universe.
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Karen 11-19-2008 @ 2:35PM
There is starting to be a backlash against over parenting. I think this is good. But, I think it is like most things. The pendulum swings back and forth. I just hope it doesn't swing too far the other way.
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LS 11-19-2008 @ 3:10PM
I wonder if the current trend of over-parenting is in response to the under-parenting that we've seen... I don't know if it was a generation of kids, but I know that there have been an awful lot of parents who took the "I'm your best friend" attitude, allowing their kids to do all sorts of things before they were ready. And now those kids are grown up, and wishing that their parents had been more "parental" are overcompensating.
I just LOVE playing psychoanalyst. I just wish I got the paycheck.
I've gotta agree with posters above, and with Amy - if you don't let them fall, they'll never learn how to get back up.
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queenoqueens 11-19-2008 @ 3:24PM
Interesting comments. For Laura's, the number of hands raised is an eye opener. That makes me kind of sad though that the parents rate a far 2nd to the friends thing. You'd like to think that you're somewhere in those memory banks, even when you're not.
As for the 2nd comment, I guess if you have in err in one direction it should be over parenting (vs. under parenting). Um, right?
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Sandyone 11-20-2008 @ 4:31AM
I think the parents don't rate in the "best time ever" experience, but they are the steady presence, always there, without whom the rest of the great times couldn't really happen.
As a homeschooling mom, I've had to learn to check my ego at the door. I've had to let my kids do their own learning and I can't take the credit for most of the things they've learned. It's kind of funny, but they seem to learn *in spite of* what I do or don't do.
Maybe that's why infants require so much effort...it's to train parents to forget about themselves.
Yup, we're the wind beneath their wings. (you may now gag)
ttupper 11-20-2008 @ 8:42AM
I think it’s a little much to blame the Russians and the cold war but I do agree people over parent their kid’s big time.
I am a working mother; I have a career and wish I had more time to spend with my kids. I fortunately do not have to put them in day care I have a family member who watches them. I have 4 kids that are 12, 8, 5 and 11 month. Although I work I do not feel the need to smoother them when I am home. I let them be independent as well as spend time with them. I also feel parents are getting their kids too “involved”. I hear other mothers at work talk about how their kid plays 3 sports and belongs to 2 clubs and am busy 7 days a week. They brag about this? I think that is a shame and wrong. Kids are not being allowed to just be kids. I also feel there is this whole competition on whose kid is the smartest and most advanced. Mothers all around me are scrambling to teach their children sign language and 2nd languages all before they enter school. Is there anyone out there who thinks this is crazy? If your child expresses their own interest okay, but let them just grow up for gosh sakes. So many parents, mother especially, think that the more “advanced” your child is reflects how good of a parent you are. I have also noticed that most all other parents I know are afraid to parent their child. They are afraid of real discipline or being too strict with them. Many people criticizes the fact that I don’t push my kids to know 2 languages by kindergarten and all that nonsense and that I am strict at the same time. I do notice though that it is their children who cause scenes in public and act out two times the amount that my children do.
I often feel my husband and I are the only ones who are not buying into this smothering, overbearing, yet discipline lacking way of parenting that is the norm today. I am very sure that I will get tons of flack for this response to the article, but it is my belief and opinion. My children get wonderful grades in school; they are polite, well mannered and well adjusted and well behaved…so I must be doing something right.
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Sandyone 11-20-2008 @ 10:04AM
sorry, wrong number!
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Tamar Chansky 11-21-2008 @ 9:43AM
Amy, thank you for this. You may disagree with this idea, but I do think that the overparenting craze has definitely been fueled and supported by various industries (services, products) that have been only too glad to have parents very anxious that they are not doing enough for their kids to get ahead.
My mission as a child psychologist is to not jump on the blaming parents bandwagon and start re-training them to be able to manage their children's negative emotions and anxieties, and re-think the value of managing adverse events or disappointments. This is the purpose of my new book, Freeing Your Child from Negative Thinking: Powerful, Practical Strategies to Build a Lifetime of Resilience, Flexibility and Happiness. There I help parents coach their kids (and themselves) on how to not exaggerate or magnify the meaning of negative events, and instead to tackle the obstacles and persevere.
I think that parents need to re-define what it means to want the best for their children-- it doesn't mean buying it or giving it to them, it means supporting them in learning how to find it for themselves. That is a skill that lasts a lifetime and it's very learn-able!
To check out an excerpt of my books, please go to: www.freeingyourchild.com.
All best,
Tamar Chansky
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Heather 11-22-2008 @ 9:54PM
I wish the daycares would take a step back . They plan every moment of the day instead of letting them play. In school at recess the kids are not allowed to run, if they play certain games they get in trouble. My son has never had a complaint from daycare ever or in JK, but this year in SK I have already received 3 notes home saying he talks to much, he eats too slow at snack time and he asks to many questions during circle time and when he doesn't get an answer he starts asking the kids next to him. He hugs the other kids to much. Sometimes I wish they would just let kids be kids and back off a little.
I am so lucky I live in a place where he can play in the backyard with little supervison, ( me checking on him every few minutes through the window) and he can be a kid.
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Chief Baby 11-26-2008 @ 6:19PM
What would Freud say?
http://www.justaskbaby.com/blogs/professor-elkind/what-would-freud-say
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jet 12-14-2008 @ 4:29PM
One of my friends is the classic overparent. Her son gets everything he wants without question or any effort on his part other than stating, "I want this."
He is accountable for nothing and if he makes a mistake, she is right there to cover his ass so he has no idea what a consequence is.
I think it's a byproduct of her late marriage; she was so thrilled to be able to squirt out a kid just under the wire (she was 39 when she delivered) that she lets him get away with murder while she grins at him and tells him how cute and wonderful he is and how much she loves him.
The kid is now 10 and he is so spoiled he has no friends; no one can stand him. He is immature and selfish and has to be the center of attention at all times. He has no social skills and blurts out insults to others just because they come into his head. His mother tells him, "That's not nice," but there is no real consequence for saying hurtful, mean things to others so he does not stop.
Conversely, if a kid replies in kind, my friend goes ballistic on that kid because "No one can talk to my son that way" although apparently she is OK with him being nasty to others.
He has speech problems that are not being addressed because his mother thinks he's perfect and the problem is that the rest of us are not listening to him. The real problem is he is 10 and speaks like this "aba goo, ab do" and expects the rest of us to know he is asking for ice cream, which he is allowed to eat by the gallon.
If Prince Charming says he wants chocolate chip cookies for dinner and there aren't any in the house, she jumps in the car in a panic to rush out to buy them, then lets him wolf down the bag for dinner and wash it down with a chocolate shake. He has never gone to bed without at least one giant bowl of ice cream for his snack because "he likes it and I want him to be happy."
He isn't that bright so she does his homework for him so he'll get good grades. Actually learning something is "not important" to her because "he won't need this crap anyway."
He is in fourth grade and recently wrote a paper where he misspelled his father's name, the name of his town, and a ton of other words. He cannot do simple math.
This kid honestly thinks he is the center of the universe and is so far beyond lazy it's incredible. His sense of entitlement is out of sight.
He will never learn how to do anything on his own, or how to be accountable for himself or how to make a friend or be a friend as long as his mother hovers over him, tilting the table to make sure everything always goes his way.
Teacher after teacher has tried to address this issue with her but she has convinced herself that the entire school district has a personal vendetta against her son and they are spreading horrible lies about him and trying to get her to do things that will hold him back.
I have tried gently to suggest that perhaps the teachers are not in cahoots to screw her son but I don't think I'm making much progress.
She is a normal person in other regards but turned into "Super Helicopter Mom" the minute she delivered.
Incredibly, she sees this fault in others and is extemely critical of other mothers without knowing that everyone is laughing at her and rolling their eyes at her mess of a kid.
She honestly thinks her role as a mother is to make sure this kid is happy all the time and she will stop at nothing to make it so.
It is so distressing to watch.
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been there 12-21-2008 @ 7:01PM
Heather,
I understand your desire for preschools and daycare (yes, there is a difference) to let the kids be kids. They are not able to just be children anymore. This is not because the teachers are planning every minute of their day. It's because our culture has grown to believe our children need to grow up quicker to become these "super children" before they're ready.
As a preschool teacher, I can tell you that without a "plan" for the children throughout the whole time the children are in our care; we could never accomplish what you're paying for us to do: Prepare the children for school.
As for your child not being able to run and the other various points you addressed is a simple answer. Our society no longer accepts that a child is running on a sidewalk/playground and falling just happens. There is a blame on the school, the teacher, the company who laid the sidewalk and a lawsuit ensues. Not saying that you would sue should your child fall, but others have. Therefore, the schools are implementing a rule that there is no running on the sidewalk. Children are going to fall- and we as parents do not need to feel guilty for not being there to prevent it from happening. Think of it as a learning tool---we have to fail in order to appreciate successes.
Also--- your son's teacher is not targeting your child for talking too much, nor is he being ignored. There are so many children in the classes, that if the teacher must stop and start to correct behavior or answer questions in the small time they have with the class; the rest of the class suffers. If you could help your son and teacher find a way to save all of the questions for after the circle time; they will both get what they need. I'm sure there are also other parents who have this conversation with the teacher. Please continue to be involved for we are our children's best advocates. But (and don't take offense to this) your child's behavior, though innocent, could be affecting the learning of the other children in the classroom.
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