Does Your Husband Help Out at Home?

Congrats on the book -- I am an author too -- my second book is coming out in April. My husband does help out way more than a lot of men I know and certainly more than my dad or his did. But there are still little things he just can seem to remember -- like to make sure our son uses his nasal spray before bed...to put lotion on our daughter after a bath...but not a huge deal. I just get irritated when he says "At least I am doing it!!!" when I ask him to remember these things. My thought is, you should be doing it -- they're your kids too!!!

Sara Ellington
Author of The Mommy Chronicles (Hay House, 2005) and
The Must-Have Mom Manual available from Ballantine Random House in April.
www.saraandstephanie.com

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See this month's Cookie magazine. There's an article entitled "Letter to a do-nothing dad", written by a dad who does something. There's also a letter to the do-nothing dad's wife, chastizing her for not insisting that her husband help out a little.

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My husband is great, he does help around the house a whole lot...sometimes more than his fair share (if i've had an especially bad day and hadn't been able to get much done). I'm really grateful to him because I was raised with a dad who did some chores, but he was really old school and expected the house to be spotless when he got home and dinner prepared and hot on the table for him too. If those things weren't done he'd question what we did all day.

My husband is more understanding that I have things to do besides just clean and he more than understands how needy our baby can be some days, this understanding is key to why we don't argue about chores or who does what. In our house, if you see something that needs to be done you do it, it doesn't matter if it's "your chore" or not and it doesn't matter if you just did some other chore (but sometimes we'll both ask each other nicely to do something and it willingly gets done....like for example if i've just loaded the dishes and swept the floor but I see that my daughters toy area is a mess i'll ask him to help her clean it up).

I've heard of some couples having a 50/50 policy in their house but I really don't agree with that because it also leads to arguing and can lead to one partner feeling that sometimes they are doing more than their "fair share" and make them bitter about it. It also can lead to one partner not able to do their share but the other one refuses to help because it's not their chore to do...which is silly and childish. I know people that do this and it often doesn't work very well and I hear about all the complaints from these friends. Seriously, what is a "fair share" when it comes to a household?

I think some women just "luck out" honestly. Not all men are so open to sharing the household duties and some men are raised old school and taught that women are in charge of the house and children and men are in charge of money making and the yard and car maintenence (thats how my dad is). There's nothing wrong with either way, my feelings is that these type of things should be talked about BEFORE you get married so that you know what you are getting into. It can be a marriage kill, seriously. Silly things like house chores have been known to lead to many arguments and stress in the marriage which is not good at all.

My advice to ladies with husbands who don't want to lift a finger is to pick your battles. If he won't do chores see if he'll at least take the kids off your hands for a couple of hours so that you can get things done. Don't nitpick about little things, get on him about the big stuff and ask him nicely, don't nag......if you have to, go to his mother, she can ask him nicely too lol. Remind your husband that he didn't marry a maid and that he should've grown out of the mommas boy phase by now, you are not his mother who picks up after him, tell him to step up and be a real man and help you. If you could raise a house by yourself, you wouldn't need him.

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I had a very long comment written out, and then decided this was not the place for a rant.

So, I will be short and sweet. My husband does absolutely nothing around the house -- not cooking, not cleaning, not playing with or caring for his daughter. We both work full-time.

I have tried everything ever suggested to get him to help, but it never works. Sometimes there are just those men who are so lazy that there is no hope.

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My 34 year old husband doesn't help out at all. Not for lack of trying on my part either. He didn't start out that way. When we moved in together it was pretty much equal, I still did most of the house related stuff and he did repairs and car maitenance with occasional housework help. Then I had our daughter and gender roles came slamming into place. And as we had more children he helped out less and less, it got to the point where I had to beg him to watch the kids so I could get a shower, and that was him doing me a favor. Apparently his mother and grandmother did everything for their husbands and that was the way he thought it went after you married and had kids. Do I resent it-absolutely. I hate how I have to ask him to watch the kids so I can do household chores or grocery shopping-but his time is all his own. I don't know how to resolve this. I've tried talking to him but I find he shuts it out when he thinks I'm going to blame him. I tried listing all the chores and responsibilities I have for our household and family. He didn't want to read it. And it's not like he's a bad person, he's generally the kind of guy who'd give you the shirt off his back. He's kind, he loves kids, but apparently it was fixed in his mind that men shouldn't have to do chores or help with the kids. If anyone can offer a solution, I'd love to hear it.
Interestingly, in real life I have never met or heard of a man who helps out even close to 50%. On the internet though, I hear all kinds of stories about men who do or claim to be very involved parents and share household chores and responsibilities.

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One of the most important things I ever heard was “we teach people how to treat us.” I think this is so true. I guess I am one of those women who lucked out—my husband does his fair share, if not more sometimes, and has always been that way. But I see so many friends who complain about their husbands never doing anything, but, for whatever reason, they remain unable to break the cycle. It makes me sad to seem them feeling overburdened and taken advantage of and even sadder that they allow themselves to be treated that way.

If you’ve tried everything and nothing has worked, then it seems logical to, if you don’t want to be treated like a maid, stop acting like one. Stop picking up his stuff, doing his dishes and laundry, making his dinner. Tell him you’ve tried everything else you can think of and that you simply can’t shoulder the burden of doing everything on your own any longer. He’s a grown man—he will not perish from a lack of clean clothes or a homemade dinner. We have to believe we are worthy of respect and dignity. We have to care about ourselves—and the example we are setting for our children—enough to take a stand and break the cycle.

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I did my "share" of the work around the house. We split chores up with who wanted to do what, and then assigned the ones we both didn't want equally. I would cook, vacuum, garbage duty, etc. She was wholely against doing up lists even though I said many times I'd do more if I knew what to do.

she still left saying I didn't ever appreciate her

:(

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I say lead by example. Demonstrate you don't believe in traditional gender roles by doing the service on the car (just a minor service mind you, filter changes, oil change, top up fluids, check plugs, check brakes, the easy stuff). You could follow up by laying a patio, repointing your front wall, plumbing in a new toilet ...

Then you can feel all full of yourself when you ask him to vacuum the lounge and cook some tea.

I'd much rather do the cooking and cleaning.

.. and yes I'm being hyperbolic.

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Didn't Gen X start around 1965? So there are more than a few DHs over the age of 40 who qualify as Gen X and are full partners in life and parenting (my own is 42).

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I didn't "luck out". My husband had managed to look after himself before we married, and I saw no reason he was unable to clean kitchens, bathrooms, floors, etc. when we had children, this naturally carried over to them. I had no previous children and was just as clueless as he was as to what to do with them, so we both learned at the same time. To Steph, you may only hear of men who helps around the house on the internet but rest assured, that is precisely what mine does. I works just as hard as he does, and I travel with my job so he really has to be the one looking after the kids and house while I am away. ladies, if you don't like it that your husband does not help out, then you need to change it ASAP. Why be in a marriage with someone who does not respect you enough to (at least one in awhile) comply with your wishes? I shudder to think of what the rest of your relationship is like.

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I agree with your point about Gen X couples. Whether we are SAHM/D or both working, many from our generation have chosen to redefine marital and parental roles in a way that suits us best - not simply as it was done by prior generations.

I have one of those husbands women can't believe exists - cleans like a madman (ok, he can be a little annoying with the OCD at times but who am I to complain?), grocery shops (especially for those bulk items - THANK YOU!), and a total "hands-on dad" - he took a month and a half of paid maternity leave after I finished my 6 month maternity leave and returned to work. Knowing he was at home with our infant son was great for me (and it was great for my husband and son). There are some "disparaties" however and that's ok. Cooking and planning meals aren't within his comfort zone. He couldn't thread a needle to save his life. I could insist he learns, but then I really don't want to have to learn how to change the oil!!

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Hey Rachel,
This is off the topic, but I thought you may be interested in knowing that a federal judge had banned the Bratz dolls. It seems as though Mattell and the com[any that makes Bratz were in a dispute about copyright infringement. Here is the link http://money.cnn.com/2008/12/04/news/companies/bratz_dolls.ap/index.htm?postversion=2008120406

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"Help"? Umm, the guy LIVES there! Why is considered "helping"?

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My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We have 3 kids none of which are ours together. We both work full time. When we were in the early stages of our marriage we used to fight about house work all the time! He'd tell me "it's a woman's job" and that "it had always been that way since the Bible days". SO, I told him that if that's a woman's job then he should be the man of the house and make all the money so I could stay home and do my wifely duties. Needless to say...that never happened.

Fast forward several years.....he's fantastic. He washes clothes, does dishes, cleans the counter tops, vaccums, dusts, etc. Like someone said in a previous post....it may not be done the way I'd do it...but at least he's doing it and he's trying. Sometimes I feel guilty because I feel like he does more house work than I do. However, he works from the home while I go to an office everyday. So, I feel like maybe he has more time to do it.

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I am a self-employed female web developer who gets no help from my man at all. He won't even do the grocery shopping with me, or help me with bags when I get home from the store. He moans and complains when, God forbid, I have business to do, or coding websites for clients, since it takes my focus off of tasks around the home. Of course, when I focus only on home related "chores" for one week straight, I then hear the endless complaints that my week was unproductive since I didn't yield any new clients and produce enough work to warrant a payment from anyone.

Cooking is always fun: I get to slave over an over, fill his stomach with delicious food, then he "contributes" to the clean up efforts by placing his plate and glass on the counter for me to wash with the pots, pans and everything else that was involved in preparing the meal.

We're currently preparing to move, and last night, I was informed that I am "to do" all the packing and moving of heavy items, while he sits on his butt playing with our pets. When I don't do something quickly enough to meet his "high standards", I am then threatened with homelessness.

Today, despite his desire for me to slave on packing all day, I will be at my computer attempting to follow up with clients and get new clients. However, I fully expect that he will, as usual, remotely connect to my computer from his office to let me know his evil watchful eye is on my every move at all times.

Ladies, you're lucky to have men who give a damn about anything, and think you're worthy of a helping hand and being treated as an equal.

Thanks for letting me vent.

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Women folds,this forum is as good and bad because none of your comment made it through to heart of men.It is an innate part of man not to do house chore,unforunately,the tradition and culture of of society do not support men doing house chores,likewise the received opinons from our parent say women do house chores,and in the school boys cut the grasses and girls clean and sweep the classrooms.Then,men have all these education about house chores,then all women answer me ,can man fight with all this odds easily and compromise without any resistant?No is not possible.The holy writ gives the role of man in Genesis 2:15-17 (King James Version) 15And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it

Then, if is like this how can women make their hubbies to help out?
What men do not what to hear about house chore are listed below:

Never command man to help you out.This is a way to tell your husband to help you,very tender voice.'Hey, honey pls can you help me to do this so I can finish this or that in time.? '

Never nag or complain if you meet the house scatter.Wow,some of womwn may say this is bull shit.Okay,you have to learn how to hold your emotions.After,you have the work,you can latter may be at the dinner that you are not happy the way the house was when you came in.I am sure he will not do that again.

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