Family Caregivers - The Downside
Categories: Relatives, Childcare, Resources
Sure, there are real, quantifiable benefits to having family members take care of your kids, but there are trade-offs involved too. When my son was first born, my sister-in-law's family was living with us and she watched Jared while my wife and I worked. Now, my mother-in-law watches our kids two days a week for us. While I'm very glad that the kids get that cross-generational experience, it's not always easy.Grandparents and parents do not always agree when it comes to raising kids. My mother-in-law is much more lenient with desserts -- she thinks Jell-o is a side dish -- than I am and so the kids eating a lot more cookies, ice cream, and so on when she takes care of them. She is also far more television-friendly than we are; the days she is here the kids get to watch a lot more TV than I would like.
Sure, you can say we should just tell her to do it our way, but it's not so easy. The fact is, we need her and she needs the respite she gets from letting the kids watch a bit of telly. Were she a paid caregiver, we would certainly expect her to follow our rules exactly, but when it comes down to it, she's not. But that's not the worst part of it anyway.
The real problem with having family members take care of your kids on a regular basis is that you leave yourself with no one for emergencies or special events. A lot of stay-at-home moms and dads we know get to go out sans kids on a regular basis because they can call upon the grandparents to babysit while they go out for the evening. Because we're already taking advantage of my mother-in-law for daytime care, we don't want to ask during the evening as well. So we just don't go out much.
In addition, families whose kids are in daycare can rely on the grandparents to watch the kids when they or their regular caregiver are ill so they don't have to take time off from work. If one of our kids is sick or if my mother-in-law gets sick, I have to take a sick day at work. Luckily, I get sick time, but not everyone does.
If you rely on family for regular childcare, how do you deal with special occasions? Or, like us, do you simply not go out without the kids? What about if the family member gets sick and can't watch the kids? How do you handle that?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
queenoqueens 12-02-2008 @ 5:25PM
We had the same situation. Mom-in-law watching our eldest child during the week, so we wouldn't ask for weekends. We have a 2nd child, and they don't babysit her, but we're still hesitant to ask for babysitting, except on very rare occasion, and usually for a mandatory function.
We've rearranged our lives to avoid daycare, and paid babysitting. But we certainly pay a price......we're probably aging much faster than normal due to so little downtime. I keep telling myself there will be plenty of time later to enjoy the downtime when the kids don't want to be around us anymore.
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pbhj 12-02-2008 @ 6:41PM
If your MiL looked after them much longer I'd have thought the real problem would then be that your mother-in-law thinks she knows your kids better than you ... and does!
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msjeanniehughes 12-02-2008 @ 8:11PM
My mom has always watched the girls as we worked. The girls are very close to her as a result but i do not feel defensive about that becasue there will come a day when she is no longer around and unlike so many kids today my girls can say they really know their grandma. Besides there is a wealth of knowledge and experience to be learned from the older generations that too many kids miss out on. My kids never had to contend with the woes of daycare being dropped off with a stranger, bullies at the tender age of three, plenty of colds and other viruses that get passed around childcare centers. And you are right when they grow older there is time to do those things you are putting off now. Now that my girls are 13, 10 and 7, we can go out with out a babysitter and take time for myself adn my hubby. But my kids have gained way more through the experience than i lost by not getting to get away during those younger years. I would never change a thing.
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Kip65per 12-03-2008 @ 3:19AM
Your comment shows how much you realize the wonderful "gift" that your mother has given to you, your family and children. Thanks to you for acknowledging what your family has benefited from by having a Grandmother who has loved them, taken care of them when they were sick, played with them,,,on and on it goes. You are a good daughter. The best to you and all of your family.
Kip65per 12-02-2008 @ 9:52PM
Personally, I feel that you are truly blessed to have a grandmother that is physically able and willing to care for your child while both of you work. You have absolutely no financial concerns regarding the care of the child. It would seem to me, that with both parents working...that having an evening "out" and hiring a baby sitter wouldn't break your bank account. Again, count your blessings..and give grandmother lots of hugs for what she has done and continues to do for you, your wife and child. You have the best of both worlds.
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Julie 12-02-2008 @ 11:20PM
We've done it all. I had my mum live with us and as much as I loved it there were cons. Day care for 2 kids is also very expensive but we believe we now have the best solution and the best fit for out family.
We have a live in au pair and she is amazing. I never have to worry dragging the baby out early on cold mornings. If my daughter is off sick she care's for her. If my daughter has no school she'll supervise a play date. The list is endless but what I love most about it is she has become part of our family and reinforces our child rearing expectations and is making sure the kids get what they need in our absence.
Our Au pair works any 45 hours, we flex her schedule based our needs be it a date night or around the school calendar. While on duty she picks up after the kids and is responsible for household duties linked to the kids. Kids Laundry is done a couple times a week, the bedrooms are cleaned and vacummed this alone has given me back hours on the weekend to spend with my children.
I get all this for around $320 a week. I was paying $300 to put my baby in infant daycare. Look at how much I am now getting and I don't have to worry about be a professional working mum I know there is always someone to watch my family in my home.
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isisaquaria 12-03-2008 @ 9:46AM
Having never left any of my kids with family or a paid sitter--I can't relate to that part. As for going out, take the kids--they will be gone soon enough and your life will be your own. You may be amazed what you will learn from the experience.
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ame s 12-03-2008 @ 5:10PM
I've never had a paid sitter, though my girls went to a Parents Day Out Program through our church when they were young, then on to a 2 to 4 day Pre-K.
My daughters have spend a weekend night with my parents since my older was 2 and when my then-infant would take a bottle. It was especially helpful when my late-husband was bed ridden. Caring for the every need of 3 people plus myself would have taken a toll on me otherwise.
At 8 and 10, my daughters still spend at least one weekend night with my parents, who now live5 minutes away instead of 45. My 10 year old is "kind" enough, lol, to spend Friday nights home with new hubby and me, but my 8 year old is ready for "Gram" to pick her up every Friday after school.
I've never had a problem with my parents going directly against my wishes or rules as far as the children are concerned.
I'd like for both girls to stay home more on weekends because I like the days where I don't have to get them to bed and wake them by a certain time for school, but I'm not going to "make" them stay home.
We like to go out of town every couple of months or so for a night or 2 over a weekend. Last month we had a blast at the Gaylord in Nashville for a day and night. We watched the waterfalls and looked at holiday decorations from our balcony.
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Lauren 12-03-2008 @ 5:52PM
Hiring an au pair was the most flexible and cost effective childcare solution for my family when it came to selecting childcare (seriously, half the price of my American nanny!) AuPairCare is a fantastic au pair agency that many families in the Los Angeles area have been very happy with. Their online au pair matching system makes it really easy to view lots of au pair profiles and they have an entire matching team dedicated to picking out the best au pair for you. I know a lot of my friends would not have considered it because they thought it was expensive, but at $315/wk (regardless of the number of children,) I’m hard pressed to find anything cheaper... See for yourself at www.aupaircare.com!!!
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