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Finally Giving Up Fantasy Family Festivities
As with most parts of parenthood, I visualized in my head the way things would be once I was a mother and nothing was clearer in my fantasies than future family Christmases.
There would be a fire, merrily crackling in the fireplace causing my daughters' cheeks to have a healthy, rosy glow. The girls (Elizabeth, Victoria, and Diana) would sit at my feet, contentedly stringing popcorn and watching as I put the lights on our majestic Balsam Fir. Later, we'd sip hot chocolate and put up the ornaments, laughing over the stories and history behind each treasured bauble.
I think the main purpose behind self-reflection and meditation is to allow yourself the time to wonder which childhood blow to the head affected your reasoning abilities. Because not only do I not have a gaggle of girls named after British royalty or even a working fireplace (ours is an old gas one and my husband says it'd be safer and cheaper to light a twenty dollar bill and watch it burn), but because of allergies, my kids have never experienced the seasonal, fragrant joy of a live Christmas tree.
Instead, our Christmas tradition involves going down to the basement and bringing up the storage bag that houses our artificial tree. We spend a half hour fluffing up the branches and trying to guesstimate where the ones that lost their paper labels a decade ago, are supposed to go.
I put on the lights alone, as the kids lost interest in the entire project back when we were still hoisting the bag up the stairs.
After mustering the troops for the application of ornaments, it becomes quickly obvious that no one really cares about the tales behind the tinsel, but I share it anyway. "This is the plastic apple that Michael thought was real and took a bite out of when he was about three years old. See this one? It's made from cinnamon and applesauce. We made a whole bunch one year and gave them out as gifts, remember? It was fun. This one shaped like a gingerbread man had a head until James ate it and then threw up. Remember that, James? That was not fun. Oooh, here's the glass bell my grandmother gave me after I got married. That crack in it is from you, Shelby. You tried to help a whole lot of angels get their wings one day when I was in the bathroom and you shook it so hard it flew right out of your hands and onto the floor! That "Babies First Christmas" one needs to turned so the hole from where someone knocked a hole in it with a candy cane won't show."
Some people (whose name rhymes with Fartha Goowart) have amazing trees every year that are not only gorgeous, their decorations all have themes like The Twelve Days of Christmas, or White Christmas, or Candy Land. It started to bum me out that the only theme that could be applied to our tree was: Total Destruction.
Finally, it dawned on me that we DO have our own traditions. Listening to lame excuses for not wanting to put up ornaments and then making teens do it anyway ("Hey, if you'd like to opt out of Christmas this year entirely, that is totally up to you. Let us know decision and we'll notify Santa.") is a new tradition. And after finally realizing that no matter how sentimental the piece is, losing it to a co-ordination challenged kid isn't really that big of a deal in the larger scheme of things.
And even though I've never had a holiday like those blissful ones I imagined, the ones involving shards and glue have been special and memorable in their own way.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Jessi Woods 12-15-2008 @ 4:25PM
OMG! I am not crazy after all! There are other mothers like me out there. I really try to be festive at Christmas, but it has ended in disappointment and exhuastion the past 3 years. I, too, have dreamed of such a perfect Christmas. My Christmas invloves me decorating the tree by myself. While my husband is supposed to videotaping the special moment when my 3 1/2 year old and 18 month old put their ornaments on the tree. When in he is videoing my rear as I am hoisted on the ladder struggiling with the lights, and the kids are throwing the ornaments on the tile. Maybe one day it will be perfect, and when it happens I will rejoice! Merry Christmas Mommas!
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Karen 12-15-2008 @ 7:00PM
It has taken me until I was 40 years old and had children ages 10 and 7 to realize that I'm not going to have the perfect Christmases that I dreamed of.
My extended family isn't close, my theme trees became to expensive and the kids wanted to use all their own ornaments, my picky eating children weren't the slightest bit interested in my perfect prepared crown roast and herb butter beans.
So now, we are working toward traditions that work for our family. My husband and I both have time off at Christmas and we are using this time to travel. I had intended to do away with most gifts this year, but the youngest still believes and is attached to all things old. I didn't want to disappoint him this year, but we are traveling. I'm just hauling gifts. Still, there aren't as many as last year.
They are just as happy with a Little Debbie cake as my home baked goodies, so you know what - I've learned to roll with it.
There will be a time when I can have my perfect Christmas again, only it isn't likely the children will still be living at home, and what good is that? I used to pray that they'd marry people that wanted to participate in my perfect Christmases, but that was really just another stepping stone to the realization that I already have the perfect Christmas. It just isn't how I originally imagined it. But it is filled with love and healthy children.
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Kirstie 12-15-2008 @ 10:37PM
Do mothers really pray that their children marry Christmas-loving people? Crap ... now I'm even MORE nervous about spending holidays with my boyfriend's family for the first time!
NanaD 12-16-2008 @ 9:51AM
This is so funny. We look at websites, magazines and TV and see all these ideas for perfect trees and beautifully decorated rooms, but the reality for most people is closer to the one you describe.
NanaD at http://www.nurserycribsets.theniftystuff.com
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Hyphen Mama 12-18-2008 @ 12:33AM
Oh man! I'm reading this thinking "Oh... I DO have all that. My 5 year old daughter LOOOOVES to help with the tree! [granted, all the ornaments are on the bottom branches and the top is naked] It's all kinds of festive at our house." THEN? THEN I realized that when she's 10 that'll all go down hill. Well, I'll have a good few years of it anyway.
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Deborah 1-10-2009 @ 7:03PM
Y'know, I used to be like that too. It really ended up being hard work to keep any decent Christmas spirit in my heart. But I love Christmas and all the things that make up those 'memories' - you know, the ones in our heads. So I decided that I would do it for me, and if they enjoyed it, fine. If not, I'd done it for me and I could enjoy it. I began to hoard Christmas, and when I decorated the tree while the kids were at school, they came home and 1) loved it, and 2) were disappointed that I hadn't waited for them. The next year, on the evening I was willing to decorate the tree family style, I announced casually at dinner that tomorrow I couldn't do (something) because I was decorating the tree. Everyone chimed in with 'that's not fair' and 'we wanna do it' so I said well, I guess I could do it tonight, but I didn't know if I really felt like it... They finally convinced me and it went of wonderfully. Of course I happened to have eggnog that I poured in the good goblets, and some cookies already baked. We had a lovely time, and the kids remember tree decorating fondly. Sometimes in following years I still decorated by myself, but if I did it while others were around there were rules like if you're crabby or critical or whatever, you have to leave the room. They were free to just watch (and sip eggnog) but seldom would someone be able to resist hanging at least a few ornaments (especially when I would 'accidently' leave an area very bare...)
We can't make others share our passions, but we can cheerfully indulge ourselves in our passions, and others tend to be drawn to both cheerfulness and passion...
And even if no one participates, they can still come lay with their heads under the tree when it's all done. The most amazing feeling and conversations happen looking up through the tree...
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