Teen Romance - How Old is Too Old?

by Bethany Sanders (Subscribe to Bethany Sanders's posts) Dec 16th 2008 9:00AM

Lucinda Law is a 16-year-old girl who was recently given legal permission to marry her 26-year-old boyfriend, who she's been seeing for two years. Her fiance is a family friend who has known Lucinda since she was nine years old. Perhaps more shocking than the wedding itself, Lucinda's dad set the two up when Lucinda was only 14.

When it comes to the age gap, just how old is too old for a teen?

Asked about her new movie The Reader, Kate Winslet said she was offended at the suggestion her 30-something character's affair with a 15-year-old boy was inappropriate.

"That boy knows exactly what he's doing. And, for a start, Hanna Schmitz (her character) thinks that he's 17, not 15, you know? She's not doing anything wrong....She didn't force him into anything at all."

Okay, parents of teens: Raise your hand if you agree with Winslet. Anyone? Anyone?

While Hanna's story may truly be a love story (and the movie itself is getting great reviews), I think that we can agree that teens who fall in love don't always go into it "knowing exactly what they are doing." Especially when that affair involves a person twice their age.

My own husband is six years older than me, but we met as adults. Had we met when we were 16, there's no way in the world I would have been allowed to see him. Yet cool dad Billy Ray Cyrus lets 15-year-old Miley Cyrus's 20-year-old boyfriend live with them, so clearly, we're all not reading from the same instruction manual.

It's one thing when your daughter brings home a college boy, but when the age gap starts to widen to 5, 10, or even 15 years, where do you draw the line?

Source

Comments (192)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 10)

ninainindia 12-16-2008 @ 9:15AM

I think there are many 16 year olds that do know what their doing and often initiate these relationships. Of course the adult should say know here, but I also don't think that if something does happen they should be charged with rape.

boB 12-16-2008 @ 3:19PM

Okay, I was a twenty year old that married a fifteen year old. We had our first child when she was fifteen and our second when she was eighteen. Our children are now twenty six and twenty three. I'm still married to the love of my life. We've had a great marriage. I agree that this may be an "exception", but I wouldn't have had it any other way.

MYates 12-16-2008 @ 3:42PM

I just think it depends on the situation. I know a family who got a lot of flak for allowing their fourteen year old to date a man in his twenties, and as soon as she was eighteen (she actually might have still been seventeen) they got married, and now they've been married maybe ten years. So everything that happened back then, and all the people who were so up in arms about it, are kind of pointless now.
I don't know that I'd let my own kids do it, but it just seems like a situation you would have to evaluate based on the people involved.

john 12-16-2008 @ 7:09PM

i absolutley agree with you on most though i think if an adult say 26 and 16 fall or whatever the age gap difference is i say i am all for it however only with parents permission would i say go for it.

imperialangel81 12-16-2008 @ 5:42PM

First of all my kids would NEVER be dateing someone 10 years their senior. Second off legally this relationship is considered statatory rape by the courts. Third off this parent should not only lose this kid to DCF but any other kids she may have. This is not a decision that a good parent would make! I became a mom for the first time at 20 although I don't regret either of my kids it wasnt my best decision to start a family and we are financial strugleing because of that. Any GOOD parent would want the best for their kids and not allow them to enter a situation SUCH AS MARRIAGE AT 16 that may ruin that life! THIS WOMEN IS A HORRIBLE PARENT!

BRT929 12-16-2008 @ 6:32PM

No, you are right, it wouldn't be Rape. It would be Statutory Rape. Adults are supposed to know better.

rob 12-16-2008 @ 6:57PM

This did NOT happen in america.. it happened in New Zeland

Etta 12-16-2008 @ 7:55PM

I was 12 when i started dating my hubby(19) to be,i married him 2 yrs later at 14 and was still able to wear white at my wedding. Sex before marriage, neither of us thought was right. Of course in the early 50s, girls were more responsible and cared about themselves enough to wait for marriage. I had 10 children in 9 years with only one twin birth. i was 15 when my first girl was born and I was 24 when my last girl was born.We were married for 50 years and i just lost him in 05. Today , marriage isn`t sacred any more because of all the teens experimenting with sex because of the Planned Parenthood Association and their secrecy for allowing kids protection WITHOUT their parents consent. This is what has caused so many teen pregnancies.It is shocking and unreal that some girls 10 are no longer virgins . Only GOD can say who is too young for marriage, and if they are mature enough to take on years of children and responsibilities. I would never recommend my life for todays girls, they are none of them taught responsibility any more. I was cooking and cleaning and babysitting at 10, that would be unheard of today. I also graduated high school at 16, loved school and learned well.

Phil 12-16-2008 @ 9:36PM

It is only statutory rape if there is sex (comsentual or not) between a minor and adult prior to marriage; dating is never illegal, and marriage between minors and adults, with parental consent, is legal in most states.

Satutory rape laws are in effect to keep adults from taking advantage of innocent teens. These laws are good and serve a legitimate purpose.

If teens are responsible (a distinction and decision responsible parents are usually capable of making) and the relationship is within the context of a committed marriage relationship, it would not be classified as taking advantage of a minor. Hence the distinction in legality of underage marriage vs. sex with a minor before marriage being the crime of statutory rape.

cretegirl16 12-16-2008 @ 9:42PM

They were given legal permission to get married so it wouldnt be counted as statutory rape. I am dating a man who is 5 years older than me and hes wonderful. I have always been more mature than my age. I am 17 and ive already finished high school and completed my first year of college.

DabOfWhimsy 12-17-2008 @ 12:15AM

For one... Miley allows her DAD to live with HER, I'm sure. I think Daddy is a yes-man because he's riding the Miley train, too. That little girl had to grow up too fast and was 'sexualized' at such a young age... I totally blame Daddy for that mess. He wanted fame and cash at the expense of ANYTHING. Including his own child.

MiMo

CPU64 12-17-2008 @ 1:40AM

Ok, so a guy could get jail time if someone even suspects that he "might" be talking to a girl who "might" look to be under age.
But its OK for her to date and have sex with a teen kid as long as he's under 18..
What kind of screwed up mentality is this?
Who is the more responsible one? The older guy who can support her? Or a horny "sk8er" teen?

jeff 12-17-2008 @ 4:40AM

exactly....no one should be charged with rape in that case...glad to hear so many people think this way, including kate winslet

Jenni 12-16-2008 @ 9:54AM

My husband is 17 years older than me; can you imagine if I met him in High School? This isn't even an age gap I would recommend for most people (it works for us, but I've seen it not work as well).

People need to be going through similar life experiences to date. I'm not sure that I have a number of years, but I wouldn't allow a high schooler to date anyone in college (even if it's only a year's difference); and I think it's a mistake to have a 20 year old date a 25 year old; there is just still so much change going on in those 5 years.

It may sound hypicritical because of my situation, but if my husband had come around when I was 20-25, I wouldn't have dated him; and I can say that with 100% certainty because he did. We worked together long before we dated.

ejjckids 12-16-2008 @ 2:21PM

My husband is eighteen years older than I am, we met when I was 18 at work. He is the most considerate and gentleman-like person I've ever met. I left my previous boyfriend (who was my age at the time) when I met my husband. If it were my daughter in my shoes, I would much rather see her happy with a man twice her age than be miserable with someone her age.
Those teenagers know exactly what their doing!

chris 12-27-2008 @ 3:17PM

Unique thought, it worked for you but you don't think it should for anyone else!!

Jenni 12-17-2008 @ 3:00PM

Chris, that's not really my thought. I'm saying it works for us, but it isn't right for everyone. I don't make the assumption that, because it worked for me, that it will automatically work for everyone else.

I've seen it work and not work, but I don't think a teenager has the life experiences to make this sort of commitment or decision. It's a decision that must be based on knowledge. There are things that I thought I would be doing, but had to know going into this marriage that it wouldn't happen; and things that he thought he wouldn't be doing that he is finding he is now going through again (afterall he passed that "phase" of life).

These are decisions that a teenager doesn't have the capability (developmentally) to make and decide on.

Kirstie 12-16-2008 @ 10:04AM

I think it's a very, very individualized scenario. My parents are 6 years apart and started dating when my mom was 15, but that was a long time ago ... the 70s were a different time! And they've been together for 30 years, so clearly it worked out.

Similar scenario with my best friend and her fiance .. they started dating when she was 16 (a month shy of 17) and he was 21 (they're four years and 2 months apart.) They had a lot in common, though - she was in high school, but he was still living at home and was going to school, they hung out with the same social circle, etc, they worked in similar areas.

My great grandparents are, IIRC, 11 years apart and my great grandfather was I think 18 when they got married? (My great grandmother's older.) But that was in Norway, as well, not in America.

I think it depends on the person and their maturity, definitely - not an arbitrary number.

Nicola 12-16-2008 @ 10:49AM

My husband and I have a 20 year age gap. We met when I was in my early 20s, still in grad school, he was in his early 40s. We often joke about the fact that its lucky we didn't meet a few years earlier because my parents would never have let it happen. But that's just the point -- I wasn't that much different at 21 to 17, maturity wise. So, who knows if there is a solid answer to the question. I hate to think that if we'd met just a few years earlier, I wouldn't have a wonderful marriage and a gorgeous son now. All because of an age difference that didn't matter a few years later. Then again, if it were my kid, well...

Josie 12-16-2008 @ 2:17PM

I like to use the N/2+7 rule. Take the age of the older person, divide by 2 and add 7. That is the youngest age they should date.

So, a 30 year old would be allowed to date a 22 year old, but no younger.
A 18 year old could date a 16 year old.
A 70 year old could date a 42 year old.

Of course, there are exceptions to every rule, but I think this one works well for a general guideline. Any younger, and it has serious "eew" factor!

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | Most Recent | Next 20 Comments

How To Submit Photos:
If you'd like your children (any age will do!) featured on ParentDish, upload photos into the ParentDish Flickr Pool. Be sure to read our main Flickr page for more information.