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Divorced Mom Not Allowed to Have Lesbian Partner in Home
Filed under: In The News, Weird But True
A divorced Tennessee mom of two was recently told by the court that her lesbian partner of nine years can no longer "sleep over" when her kids are in the home. The reason? A "paramour restriction" imposed by a judge, despite the fact that a psychological evaluation found the woman to be a positive influence on her partner's children.Meanwhile, the woman's ex-husband shares his home with his wife of five years, who gets to "sleep over" whenever she wants.
Why the double standard? According to the ACLU, the judge thought he was mandated by law to put the restriction in place, ignoring the fact that the family had been a cohesive unit for most of the kids' lives. The ruling, which is being appealed, has forced the couple to live in a duplex so that they can abide by the law while still being able to see each other.
It's cases like this one that highlight the way that same-sex couples are put in impossible positions. Despite their long-term commitment to each other, these women can't marry. And it's exactly that lack of a legal marriage license makes them vulnerable under the law ... this particular law, especially.
Angel Chandler says she's willing to do whatever it takes to keep custody of her children, but it hardly seems fair that what it does take is tearing her family apart. What do you think?
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 3)
12-29-2008 @ 11:59PM
Katrina said...omg.. finally someone pointed that out. I find it disgusting and narrow minded for all of you to simply say, oh no, id never have a lover near my children. They were in a RELATIONSHIP that spanned YEARS. I can bet if it were legally allowed, they would already be married. How exactly do you get off saying she shouldnt live there because they arent married, when its IMPOSSIBLE for them to do it.
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12-30-2008 @ 1:00AM
SKL said...The problem is that if the law is changed for this rare situation of a divorced mother in a LONG relationship with a woman she "would have married if she could [maybe]," then what about all the cases of divorced parents who ARE just temporarily shacking up or having one-night stands? Do you suggest they write in an exception just for divorced lesbian mothers with long-time partners? Or do you suggest it's healthy for all kids to have their single parents' "paramours" hanging around the house? To me, it makes more sense for this unusual couple to negotiate an exception or come up with a workable alternative - or maybe move to a state that is more accepting of their lifestyle.
12-30-2008 @ 3:36AM
sjl123 said...SKL, what you're not getting is no one is suggesting "an exception be made for lesbian partners". The exception has already been made by not allowing them to marry! If she had the same rights as heterosexuals it wouldn't be an issue at all. Then you contradict yourself by saying an exception should be negotiated, when you just said an exception to the law shouldn't be made for this woman...
And she cannot move to another state - do you think the father of her children would be ok with that? Do you think taking the children far away from their father is a better situation? Or that the courts would allow it?
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12-30-2008 @ 7:49AM
ldygator said...I personally think that it it morally wrong for any same sex relationship. I know most people think live and let live. It is wrong and goes against God and nature. People aren't born this way it is a life choice. I do agree that children should be taught that marriage between a man and woman is good. Teach you children the right things and they will not depart from it. They may stray but they will always come back.
LDYGATOR57
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12-30-2008 @ 8:13AM
Chris said...I think the main question should be "how did this case get before a judge after they have been together for 9 years?" There is obviously something else going on behind the scenes that is not being mentioned in the article. A judge doesn't just wake up one day and go out looking for kids that live in a house with a same-sex couple and say "oh, you can't do that anymore." There is a reason that this ended up in court. The author needs to give us the full story.
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12-30-2008 @ 8:12AM
Don said...FYI after a quick Google search here is article 1 section of the Tennessee constitution.
"Section 1. That all power is inherent in the people, and all free governments are founded on their authority, and instituted for their peace, safety, and happiness; for the advancement of those ends they have at all times, an unalienable and indefeasible right to alter, reform, or abolish the government in such manner as they may think proper".
I searched the whole constitution for anything about gays or same sex partners. No hits?
Source: tn.gov/sos/bluebook/05-06/46-tnconst.pdf
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12-30-2008 @ 8:46AM
becca said...The judge was wrong. The mother was not bringing home a different person every night. Her Partner had been in the childrens life for 9 years! She was a parent to them. The judge only succeeded in disrupting the childrens life.
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12-30-2008 @ 9:41AM
a said...mornnig everyone;
did anyone every think the reason this came before the judge was;
that the ex hubby [chose] to go for full custody of the children .
could be that he couldn't pay the child support anymore??/
that or that he was a dead beat & mad at the ex wife.???
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12-30-2008 @ 9:46AM
mindy said...Kat, thanks for pointing out the incredible double-standard here. First of all, no one said that these women were "having a sex life in front of the children." I would imagine, like all good parents, they keep their private life private. They CAN'T marry, because of the narrow-minded in our culture who can't get it through their heads that two people loving and respecting each other is what makes a marriage - not the ability to procreate, or not.
This woman is, I'm sure, by all measures but the legal one, her spouse. And that is not an option, so what are they to do? She is a good influence on the kids . . . where on earth is the problem here?
Crazy - that's all it is. And so sad that we, as a culture, are still sooo willing to discriminate against a minority group - who are no less human that you or I.
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12-30-2008 @ 9:54AM
SKL said...You people want to make this about whether or not that couple's state should make gay marriage legal. Whatever.
Personally I think this couple just wants to make a statement and isn't putting the children's needs first.
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1-02-2009 @ 10:07PM
EH said...This "unusual"couple, as you stated previously, is not so unusual. If those like you had it your way there would be know where they could move to that is more "accepting" of their lifestyle, as you put it.
9 years together in a committed relationship in a Country that currently does not allow them to marry can hardly be categorized as paramour or any other less then equal term you attribute to those with lifestyles other then yours.
I look forward to the day that homosexuals are accepted for the way they are born just as heterosexuals are.
I also look forward to the day that these narrow minded one-sided views are just a dark part of our history that we try to forget...such as the ban on interracial marriages until just a few decades ago.
12-30-2008 @ 9:58AM
SkniDog said...This is a sad story, in my opinion. This woman's partner isn't just a "lover"... they've been together for 9 years! And if she's a positive influence on the children, I see no issue with her staying over night when the children are there (or even permanently moving in with the family). If the ex-husband is allowed to remarry and have his wife sleep over when the kids are there, then the ex-wife should be able to have her long-time partner sleep over as well. This is a total double standard and it frustrates the crap out of me. I am not gay, but I suport loving relationships, even if the two people in the relationship are the same sex.
I've got 2 words for the judge: "Boooo!! Hissss!!"
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12-30-2008 @ 10:12AM
Leisa said...Personally this offends me greatly. My sister in law is a lesbian who is "married" (they married in CA when it was legal the first time) They moved to CT where my sister-in-law took her wife's last name and they began being foster parents for kids there. When I got married this past July they came with one of their foster kids who aged out of the system.
Anyway.,.this irritates me to no end. Why the hell can't two adults regardless of their sex be in love? The dad is just being spiteful. The judge did what he "thought" he had to. Everyone is so worried about offending the father they don't even care about the mother's rights. She has been with her partner alot longer then the dad. And I bet the dad had that wife of his staying over before they were married. The dad is bitter probably b/c the mom left him for a lesbian. Ok and if the lesbian couple has been together for 9 years lets assume that the kids are probably at least 10 or 11. And I know by the time I was 10 or 11 I knew what a gay/lesbian was. My mother didn't sheild me from the world (and gasp!) I went to a private catholic school and they didn't even sheild us from those things.
People we are in 2009, it's ok by society for 15 year olds to have babies but god forbid we don't let those 15 year olds see a lesbian. The article outrages me not only for the fact these women aren't allowed to love each othe b/c the judge says so, but because we've come so far in accepting gays/lesbian's in our lives. Not we need to let them get married and be freaking happy!!
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12-30-2008 @ 1:05PM
Meghan said...Leisa you are one smart woman. I agree with you. There is more facets to this case than just what is black and white, laid out in front of the judge. But I believe that being a man of the law he is required to see this case and others like as black and white, which is horribly saddening. And what about the children, shouldnt they get to have some say in this matter? They could possibly love their mother's spouse more than say their father's new wife.
And also there was a commentor on here who stated that it was wrong to be homosexual because God tells us so. However, being a Christian myself, I believe that God wouldnt create people the way they are if it enraged him so. God in my opinion loves all his children, and isnt that what we are? People who are homosexual are loved by God no matter what.
12-30-2008 @ 1:52PM
iowagirl said...I don't think it is right to judge people. Everyone has the right to be happy, including the children. If two people are in love, it's a great envirement for the children to be in!
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12-30-2008 @ 1:38PM
Jo said...Meghan, Your comment touched me so. Thank you so much, all of you who truly understand what it is like. I have been with my "partner" for over 15 years. We have raised two children together. They are well-adjusted and quite normal (in my biased opinion better than normal).
Your comments really touched me and made my day. Thanks!
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12-30-2008 @ 2:35PM
bebaa1999 said...I don't think that it is right. In this day and age what does it matter what sex you are as long as the children are loved and taken care of. It is sad that the courts are involved. I have seen more children who are very well adjusted in a gay relationship and then i have seen children who have many problems in a "normal" home....who is anyone to judge
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1-02-2009 @ 1:02AM
Amy Beth said...It is really alarming how many people who respond to this dont seem to know it is not legal for gays to marry in most states. What are these two lesbian women supposed to do exactly? And it is implied in the article to me at least that she is "sleeping over" MEANING she lives there. That is why they said the wife was also "sleeping over" which is to say she lives with her husband. I guess they are fortunate to be straight so that their living situation is deemed more acceptable? I grew up with a gay father and divorced parents. Spent weekends with him and his partner in their apartment and weeknights and days at my moms house. It was the 70's and my mother was able to get past her pain in the divorce and do what was best for us right away. Too bad for those kids their father cant say the same. They wouldnt be in court discussing living arrangements if it werent for the father IMO. You dont get hauled into court randomly to discuss living or dating arrangements unless your ex spouse raises the issue through a lawyer. His kids will never forget it and good luck to him.
For those of you who have your heads in the sand, until we are ALL allowed to marry the ones we love, we cant place rules on living arrangements post divorce that require marriage. We can place other limits but not ones that require something we dont all have the right to do. I honestly thought we were farther along than this. I found the article to be dismaying but the responses way more so.
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1-02-2009 @ 11:46PM
Daniel Mullane said...HOW ABOUT M.Y.O.B. AND LIVE AND LET LIVE. A JUDGE SHOULD NOT HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO TELL ADULTS WHO THEY CAN AND CANNOT LIFE WITH.
THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD GO I. EXCEPT . . . THERE IS NO GOD !
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1-03-2009 @ 10:06PM
carla said...if the lesbian woman has her girlfriend sleep over that is giving the children a bad example.... people of the same sex should not be together (the children are going to think its right if they see them together ) i agree with the judge
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