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Death of a Child - How Life Goes On
Filed under: Opinions
Some wounds heal over time and some never do. They just stay below the surface until something re-energizes them. That's the way it is with losing a child. The death of Jett Travolta, the son of John Travolta and Kelly Preston, has reopened a lot of wounds for other people who have lost children. Just read the comments on my previous post on the subject and you can hear the lingering pain in the voices of those who know what John and Kelly are going through.
The natural order is broken and the pain is unbelievable.
The natural order is broken and the pain is unbelievable.
I remember holding our own daughter, Ashley, as she breathed her last breath. A spot of her blood got on my shirt; I still have that shirt. I don't wear it but I don't want to get rid of it, either. Parents like us hold on to whatever we can to keep the feeling that somewhere our child is still alive.
We've found that traditions really do help and are part of the healing. Every year we go and have lunch out by her grave. We stop at the same grocery store, let the kids (I have two surviving daughters, ages 14 and 11) pick out whatever they want, and we have a picnic with Ashley. We had some wise friends that gave us money to buy a fruit tree in memory of our daughter and planted it in our yard. So every fall we have apples from our Ashley tree. We took a page from our Jewish friends and light a Manischewitz candle on the day she died. The flickering light comes through our bedroom door all night long, and really makes it seem like part of her is still with us.
So what should you do if one of your friends loses a child? Meals are a great thing. Not even I felt like cooking. Don't give advice, just listen as much as possible. (Someone actually said to us in the midst of everything, "God must love you very much to let you suffer like this.") Be aware that men and women grieve differently. Women often feel it right away, but men deny and repress the emotions until about six months later. So, in six months call the guy and offer to go to lunch, talk about the death and be there for him. For him, it's just becoming real. We need to think about John this coming June.
For John and Kelly, my prayers go out to them. I can't make them a meal or listen, but I do have people here in MInnesota that I can do that for. Maybe that's how we all can help.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 2)
1-07-2009 @ 12:45PM
Karen said...I absolutely cannot fathom the idea of losing one of my children. I just do not have any idea how people recover in their lives. My heart goes out to anyone that loses a child.
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2-20-2009 @ 12:10AM
Ed said...You don't really recover, ever. My daughter, Landon, died at the age of 13, in 2007, from Bacterial Meningitis. Each day is learning to breath and walk all over again. My wife and 11 yr old son have done better managing their pain than I, but all of us are fractured in some way forever. Count your blessings, and hug them tight.
8-06-2009 @ 7:29PM
Evelyn said...I know what it is like to lose a child it took me 12 years to stay away from her grave I set there every day all day long. I kept all her baby cloths and would hold them and smell them and cry. Its one of the hardest thing a mother goes through.
8-10-2009 @ 3:54AM
cassie said...almost a year ago i lost my son i was 6mo pregnant with him, when i went into early labor, my doctors could not get it stopped be for it was too late, he lived for 3 hours before he died, and it is the worst feeling you could imagin, sept 9 it will be one year and it still feels like it happend yesterday, i just thank god that i have my wonderfull 4 year old daughter who keeps me strong, i have to be for her, it is horrible every night i close my eyes and see him, and sometimes i just wish that when i open my eyes that he will be there, but then i know he wont, and it just rips my heart out all over again, be thank full for the wonderful blessings you have and dont ever take them for granted i had to learn that the hard way, I wish you all the luck and happness for you and your family
10-01-2009 @ 8:12PM
deborah mccleese said...I am a 58 yr old grandmother who lost my daughter at the age of 24. She has a twin sister, also two daughters that were 3 an 6 at the time of her death. The greiving still goes on in my life.It has been
9 yrs the way i get thru is my the grace of God. I am also raising my 2 grandaughters that gives me great joy because i see her in the both of them in different ways I am very spritual and this gets be thru day by day I also lost my mother at a early age.it help me to help my grand children. I pray for all mothers,fathers,sister,brother. cousin and grand parents.Because it takes a toll on the whole family I am not very computer savy please excue my mistakes.
1-07-2009 @ 6:40PM
penny said...One of my son's friends older sister was murdered many years ago, it was a tragedy felt throughout our community. With her brother being in elementary, and her just graduating high school you can imagine all of the children that flocked to their house. I sent over a basket full of paper plates, forks, pizza certificates, desserts, napkins, paper cups, anything that might give mom and dad a break to not have to think about. I do not know these peoples pain, but I would hope that this one meal for a house full of grieving teens help them just a bit.
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1-08-2009 @ 12:30PM
Rachel Campos-Duffy said...Rob, What a beautiful post. My friends just lost their son this past summer. I had not thought about how they might be grieving differently as a man and woman. Thank you for this insight. Also, thank you for sharing that incredible picture of your beautiful Ashley. Sometimes a photo captures more than words.
God Bless
Rachel
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8-11-2009 @ 11:27AM
Jenvon said...AMEN!
7-17-2011 @ 9:04PM
Jeff Justus said...I lost my son 8 mos to this day. Nov.17, 2010. It did not take me but hours to realize the lonely journey that laid ahead for my wife, youngest son and myself. We had my son's funeral the day before Thanksgiving and needless to say, my family barely celebrated the holidays. I'm getting better. The "rawness" of the loss is over. I still can't believe this is happening to my family.It's always some other family that deals with this type of loss.
My siblings never bring my son up. I think they're afraid of opening the wound. I must say that the wound never healed over. I think of my son almost my entire waking day. My son was 27 at the time of his death from an aortic annuerysm. No symptoms ...just here one day..gone forever the next. I miss my son so much. I just can't fathom that I'll never get to speak to him... offer him advice .... offer him support in my life time.
2-28-2009 @ 1:28PM
shirl said...my first born child lived but 5 days, (in 1960)...he looked healthy but had major stomach problems. this was before all the new equipment of today.
how did I go on, well I did have a hugh pity party..and anger...but our friends kept checking on us and our families prayers and support was wonderful. Having a friend to listen, helped so much.
at the time I did not think about our parents grief. It was my inlaws first grandchild....
but all the memories are tucked in a corner of my heart, and at times I need to talk about it, but it has helped me help others that experience the pain and lose.
thanks for letting me add a comment
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2-25-2009 @ 2:54PM
JoyceAlley said...When we lost our first born 25 years ago I remember some of the "well meaning" but idiotic comments made to us. One was God needed another angel in Heaven. I remember bitterly saying to the dolt. Yea and where in the hell does it say this in the bible? Where in the bible does it point out ANYWHERE that Humans are made into angels when they die? I said the Bible said ,ALL Animals, Humans Angels and alike, are created . NOT taken from one place to another. I get angry when people feel that God is so horrible that he Kills our loved ones to get a angel or have us close to him. This is NOT a Bible teaching at all. In fact neither is it a teaching that we all go to Heaven. The dead are to be resurrected. Not brought to Heaven. If we were, Then why did Jesus resurrect Lazarus, the young maiden and the little boy? If we all go to Heaven ,then Jesus would not have raised these people from the dead. Sorry ,but 25 years later that comment still makes me upset. If one needs something to say, Then , sorry for your loss should be enough!
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8-06-2009 @ 7:10PM
Evelyn said...I could not agree with you more. When my daughter died, and people said they knew how I felt they have not got a clue in it til they walk in our shoes. To lose a child is the worst night mare any parent could have I was told it was 1 in a 1000 well once was enough never want to hav eto go down that road ever again.
3-04-2009 @ 9:37PM
Patty said...Our son Shane, died 4 months ago. Everyday I wake up I think, will there be any joy in it? There are times no matter where I am at, this constant haunting pain literally takes me to my knees. It's like a powerful wave and I miss him, I want him back happy and healthy. I just cannot believe that I will never hear his loud laughing voice and feel his loving bear hugs again. My life is akward and out of balance without my little boy, my son, Shane in it.....
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6-09-2009 @ 10:52AM
Don Moran said...Many people overlook the reality of dreams. Most think that dreams are just unconscious feelings coming out. In truth, dreams are often Soul's journey into the other worlds. I say this, because when my mother died, I was able to visit her on the other side, in my dreams. It was a great comfort. I know of numerous parents who were able to be with their children on the other side, hug them, walk and talk with them. They said it was a great comfort, too. There was once a young man whose grandmother died. He was looking after her house. He was in financial straits and needed a little help. He had a dream where his grandmother came to him and told him of a box in the attic with a sum of money. He went there and sure enough, found the box that had $2,000 dollars in it. It was just enough to get him out of his problems. Dreams are real. Just ask Spirit to set up a beautiful sunlite meeting with your child, fill yourself with love and look to see..'what dreams may come'. BLESSINGS!
7-19-2009 @ 1:28AM
maria said...i know how you feel i lost my son to a car accident, almost 10 years ago. the pain is there you just learn to exist with it. and it's tru do not give advice , in moments like that thats the last thing you need advice/ well i hope God give you the peace you need to go on. god be with you. maria
11-20-2009 @ 4:16PM
grace.panetta said...i remember when my best friends sister died her parents were so devastated that all they did for 3 days was cry. they didn't eat or sleep. they just cried. they never fully recovered and to this day they still mourn the loss of their daughter.
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11-20-2009 @ 4:15PM
grace.panetta said...i remember when my best friends sister died. her parents were so devastated that all they did for 3 days was cry. they didn't eat or sleep. they just cried. they never fully recovered and to this day they still mourn the loss of their daughter.
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12-12-2009 @ 5:40PM
Angel.Robinson said...I lost my son April 29th of this year. On December 10th it would have been his 21st birthday. Some days, I don't even want to wake up, but I do. I get up and keep moving. I have two other sons ages 13 and 10. It was a car accident, one that we will never know really what happened. It could have been that he fell asleep, or that a deer ran out in front of him, or that he just got distracted. I have never been so broken and that is the only word there is to describe what I am...broken. My divorce was final just 7 months before the accident, so I was already in mourning for a marriage. Some people don't know what to say, so sometimes what comes out of their mouths...well we can only forgive them because they really just want to help ease our pain. I wish I could dream about Logan...what I wouldn't give for one dream.
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12-23-2009 @ 12:24AM
RosanneG said...My 16 year old son died 9 years ago on the Sunday after Thanksgiving. I have been changed forever & not for the better. The car accident was on our country road a 1/2 mile from our house. He was the most kind, funny, & compassionate teen I had ever met. While I know that his sister & brother are still living, they can never take Jimmy's place. He was the peacemaker. The trauma has ruined what is left of our family & I seem to be the most devastated. We started a Scholarship Fund & that helps to help others, but nothing is the same. I will mourn the loss of Jimmy until I die. In my opinion, our family is incomplete & our marriage has suffered, too. I hate the fall holidays the most. Jimmy was comedy relief. The whole dynamics of our family has been changed & I am sad beyond belief. I'm just trying to get by. I'm so disorganized & absent minded since Jimmy left. My heart goes out to the Travolta's in their first year in the absence of their son, Jett. I feel that a parent that loses a child is suffering a sort of hell on earth.
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2-22-2010 @ 1:39PM
Nadea Lhamon said...Thanks for all this information. My son died (wow just those words are hard to type) on Sept. 14th 2009 at 19 months old. He was perfectly healthy and we just got word a week and a half ago that they couldn't find any reason for it. All the tests came back neg. they even ran extra tests because they coudn't find anything. The Dr's said "I'm so sorry, this never happens". I think i'm sick of hearing "i'm sorry". How does a healty boy die. It's like saying he died of natural causes....how crazy is that? We put him to bed checked on him once, he was smiling and happy and I went to check on him in the morning and he was already in Heaven (without us). It's been 6 months and it still makes me sick to my stomach. The colors of this world are no longer bright, the flowers are a little more dull, so are the trees & nature in general. I love my family, friends and especially God & as terrible as it sounds, I can't wait for God to come and get us. I'm ready at anytime. We do have 3 other children as well and it's so hard.
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