Death of a Child - How Life Goes On

by Rob Barrett (Subscribe to Rob Barrett's posts) Jan 7th 2009 7:00AM

Categories: Celeb Parenting, In The News, Religion & Spirituality

Some wounds heal over time and some never do. They just stay below the surface until something re-energizes them. That's the way it is with losing a child. The death of Jett Travolta, the son of John Travolta and Kelly Preston, has reopened a lot of wounds for other people who have lost children. Just read the comments on my previous post on the subject and you can hear the lingering pain in the voices of those who know what John and Kelly are going through.

The natural order is broken and the pain is unbelievable.

I remember holding our own daughter, Ashley, as she breathed her last breath. A spot of her blood got on my shirt; I still have that shirt. I don't wear it but I don't want to get rid of it, either. Parents like us hold on to whatever we can to keep the feeling that somewhere our child is still alive.

We've found that traditions really do help and are part of the healing. Every year we go and have lunch out by her grave. We stop at the same grocery store, let the kids (I have two surviving daughters, ages 14 and 11) pick out whatever they want, and we have a picnic with Ashley. We had some wise friends that gave us money to buy a fruit tree in memory of our daughter and planted it in our yard. So every fall we have apples from our Ashley tree. We took a page from our Jewish friends and light a Manischewitz candle on the day she died. The flickering light comes through our bedroom door all night long, and really makes it seem like part of her is still with us.

So what should you do if one of your friends loses a child? Meals are a great thing. Not even I felt like cooking. Don't give advice, just listen as much as possible. (Someone actually said to us in the midst of everything, "God must love you very much to let you suffer like this.") Be aware that men and women grieve differently. Women often feel it right away, but men deny and repress the emotions until about six months later. So, in six months call the guy and offer to go to lunch, talk about the death and be there for him. For him, it's just becoming real. We need to think about John this coming June.

For John and Kelly, my prayers go out to them. I can't make them a meal or listen, but I do have people here in MInnesota that I can do that for. Maybe that's how we all can help.

Comments (14)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

Karen 1-07-2009 @ 12:45PM

I absolutely cannot fathom the idea of losing one of my children. I just do not have any idea how people recover in their lives. My heart goes out to anyone that loses a child.

Ed 2-20-2009 @ 12:10AM

You don't really recover, ever. My daughter, Landon, died at the age of 13, in 2007, from Bacterial Meningitis. Each day is learning to breath and walk all over again. My wife and 11 yr old son have done better managing their pain than I, but all of us are fractured in some way forever. Count your blessings, and hug them tight.

Evelyn 8-06-2009 @ 7:29PM

I know what it is like to lose a child it took me 12 years to stay away from her grave I set there every day all day long. I kept all her baby cloths and would hold them and smell them and cry. Its one of the hardest thing a mother goes through.

cassie 8-10-2009 @ 3:54AM

almost a year ago i lost my son i was 6mo pregnant with him, when i went into early labor, my doctors could not get it stopped be for it was too late, he lived for 3 hours before he died, and it is the worst feeling you could imagin, sept 9 it will be one year and it still feels like it happend yesterday, i just thank god that i have my wonderfull 4 year old daughter who keeps me strong, i have to be for her, it is horrible every night i close my eyes and see him, and sometimes i just wish that when i open my eyes that he will be there, but then i know he wont, and it just rips my heart out all over again, be thank full for the wonderful blessings you have and dont ever take them for granted i had to learn that the hard way, I wish you all the luck and happness for you and your family

deborah mccleese 10-01-2009 @ 8:12PM

I am a 58 yr old grandmother who lost my daughter at the age of 24. She has a twin sister, also two daughters that were 3 an 6 at the time of her death. The greiving still goes on in my life.It has been
9 yrs the way i get thru is my the grace of God. I am also raising my 2 grandaughters that gives me great joy because i see her in the both of them in different ways I am very spritual and this gets be thru day by day I also lost my mother at a early age.it help me to help my grand children. I pray for all mothers,fathers,sister,brother. cousin and grand parents.Because it takes a toll on the whole family I am not very computer savy please excue my mistakes.

penny 1-07-2009 @ 6:40PM

One of my son's friends older sister was murdered many years ago, it was a tragedy felt throughout our community. With her brother being in elementary, and her just graduating high school you can imagine all of the children that flocked to their house. I sent over a basket full of paper plates, forks, pizza certificates, desserts, napkins, paper cups, anything that might give mom and dad a break to not have to think about. I do not know these peoples pain, but I would hope that this one meal for a house full of grieving teens help them just a bit.

Rachel Campos-Duffy 1-08-2009 @ 12:30PM

Rob, What a beautiful post. My friends just lost their son this past summer. I had not thought about how they might be grieving differently as a man and woman. Thank you for this insight. Also, thank you for sharing that incredible picture of your beautiful Ashley. Sometimes a photo captures more than words.
God Bless
Rachel

Jenvon 8-11-2009 @ 11:27AM

AMEN!

shirl 2-28-2009 @ 1:28PM

my first born child lived but 5 days, (in 1960)...he looked healthy but had major stomach problems. this was before all the new equipment of today.

how did I go on, well I did have a hugh pity party..and anger...but our friends kept checking on us and our families prayers and support was wonderful. Having a friend to listen, helped so much.

at the time I did not think about our parents grief. It was my inlaws first grandchild....

but all the memories are tucked in a corner of my heart, and at times I need to talk about it, but it has helped me help others that experience the pain and lose.

thanks for letting me add a comment

JoyceAlley 2-25-2009 @ 2:54PM

When we lost our first born 25 years ago I remember some of the "well meaning" but idiotic comments made to us. One was God needed another angel in Heaven. I remember bitterly saying to the dolt. Yea and where in the hell does it say this in the bible? Where in the bible does it point out ANYWHERE that Humans are made into angels when they die? I said the Bible said ,ALL Animals, Humans Angels and alike, are created . NOT taken from one place to another. I get angry when people feel that God is so horrible that he Kills our loved ones to get a angel or have us close to him. This is NOT a Bible teaching at all. In fact neither is it a teaching that we all go to Heaven. The dead are to be resurrected. Not brought to Heaven. If we were, Then why did Jesus resurrect Lazarus, the young maiden and the little boy? If we all go to Heaven ,then Jesus would not have raised these people from the dead. Sorry ,but 25 years later that comment still makes me upset. If one needs something to say, Then , sorry for your loss should be enough!

Evelyn 8-06-2009 @ 7:10PM

I could not agree with you more. When my daughter died, and people said they knew how I felt they have not got a clue in it til they walk in our shoes. To lose a child is the worst night mare any parent could have I was told it was 1 in a 1000 well once was enough never want to hav eto go down that road ever again.

Patty 3-04-2009 @ 9:37PM

Our son Shane, died 4 months ago. Everyday I wake up I think, will there be any joy in it? There are times no matter where I am at, this constant haunting pain literally takes me to my knees. It's like a powerful wave and I miss him, I want him back happy and healthy. I just cannot believe that I will never hear his loud laughing voice and feel his loving bear hugs again. My life is akward and out of balance without my little boy, my son, Shane in it.....

Don Moran 6-09-2009 @ 10:52AM

Many people overlook the reality of dreams. Most think that dreams are just unconscious feelings coming out. In truth, dreams are often Soul's journey into the other worlds. I say this, because when my mother died, I was able to visit her on the other side, in my dreams. It was a great comfort. I know of numerous parents who were able to be with their children on the other side, hug them, walk and talk with them. They said it was a great comfort, too. There was once a young man whose grandmother died. He was looking after her house. He was in financial straits and needed a little help. He had a dream where his grandmother came to him and told him of a box in the attic with a sum of money. He went there and sure enough, found the box that had $2,000 dollars in it. It was just enough to get him out of his problems. Dreams are real. Just ask Spirit to set up a beautiful sunlite meeting with your child, fill yourself with love and look to see..'what dreams may come'. BLESSINGS!

maria 7-19-2009 @ 1:28AM

i know how you feel i lost my son to a car accident, almost 10 years ago. the pain is there you just learn to exist with it. and it's tru do not give advice , in moments like that thats the last thing you need advice/ well i hope God give you the peace you need to go on. god be with you. maria

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