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Death of a Child - How Life Goes On
Filed under: Opinions
Some wounds heal over time and some never do. They just stay below the surface until something re-energizes them. That's the way it is with losing a child. The death of Jett Travolta, the son of John Travolta and Kelly Preston, has reopened a lot of wounds for other people who have lost children. Just read the comments on my previous post on the subject and you can hear the lingering pain in the voices of those who know what John and Kelly are going through.
The natural order is broken and the pain is unbelievable.
The natural order is broken and the pain is unbelievable.
I remember holding our own daughter, Ashley, as she breathed her last breath. A spot of her blood got on my shirt; I still have that shirt. I don't wear it but I don't want to get rid of it, either. Parents like us hold on to whatever we can to keep the feeling that somewhere our child is still alive.
We've found that traditions really do help and are part of the healing. Every year we go and have lunch out by her grave. We stop at the same grocery store, let the kids (I have two surviving daughters, ages 14 and 11) pick out whatever they want, and we have a picnic with Ashley. We had some wise friends that gave us money to buy a fruit tree in memory of our daughter and planted it in our yard. So every fall we have apples from our Ashley tree. We took a page from our Jewish friends and light a Manischewitz candle on the day she died. The flickering light comes through our bedroom door all night long, and really makes it seem like part of her is still with us.
So what should you do if one of your friends loses a child? Meals are a great thing. Not even I felt like cooking. Don't give advice, just listen as much as possible. (Someone actually said to us in the midst of everything, "God must love you very much to let you suffer like this.") Be aware that men and women grieve differently. Women often feel it right away, but men deny and repress the emotions until about six months later. So, in six months call the guy and offer to go to lunch, talk about the death and be there for him. For him, it's just becoming real. We need to think about John this coming June.
For John and Kelly, my prayers go out to them. I can't make them a meal or listen, but I do have people here in MInnesota that I can do that for. Maybe that's how we all can help.
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 2)
3-04-2010 @ 4:08PM
RuRu said...I lost my twin baby girls when they were born pre-mature on June 30, 2009. I cannot believe it is 4 months it will be a year.
I don't even understand why it happened. People have twins all the time. Why did I have to lose mine? It's not fair.
I too hear the "they are in heaven" and "it was better this way" etc. It is so irritating. I feel like screaming at everyone. No one knows how it feels. I also hate family members who are trying to find blame. And they say it so lightly and they have no idea how the words hurt ie. "It's probably because you were too thin". Ya I was 200 pounds, I don't think so.
I can't wait to be put out of my misery.
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5-06-2010 @ 5:25AM
Tracy said...I lost my 24 year old beautiful daughter on march 17th oh my god I am SO LONELY I MISS her so much she gave me two BEAUTIFUL grandchildren Becky is 7 and Michelle is 4mos its SO SAD that my poor Michelle will never know her mommy.I have NO idea on how to grieve or how to let go,when my dad passed I was lost in an addiction and I became even more lost thats how I dealt with.I am clean and sober today even though I would LOVE to be able to run away from this VERY OVERWHELMING and NEVER ENDING PAIN AND LONELYNESS but I know if I go down that rode it would make things so much worse because then I would also have big time guilt to deal with and I can not deal that on top of what I am going through.We wanted and need to have a benefit to help pay for her funeral expenses but I have NO clue on how to even get something like that started.my cousin started the process then handed me a thing to do list I was in charge of getting donations,I am a grieving mother how can I be expected to do that when I could barely get out of bed not to mention I was very sick so needless we wasnt able to honor my baby I feel like I failed her.I am sorry I didnt mean to keep rambling on I just wish I had someone to hold me and just let me cry.But I dont so life goes on
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7-22-2010 @ 12:18AM
Tabatha Ricketts said...Hello to each and every parent on this site. I am truly so sorry for your loss.
I loss my son Melvin Dumas December 2007. Melvin was 19 when he died and it was unexpectedly. He came home from school said he was tired and going to take a nap. Well that was the last time that he would take a nap at home.
The pain/loss/anger I felt was indescribable. I am a different person today for the better I must say. After Melvin's death, I put my whole life in perspective and I started doing things I was always afraid of doing for fear of what others would say or think. I realized after Melvins' death that this was really my life and I had to deal with the loss alone. Although, friends came by, they called, but they couldn't relate. Their homes were intact. They had their children and not lost one. So really I didn't believe that I had anyone that could relate, so their being there, and calls weren't comforting.
Although, I have a supportive husband and family. No one could console me. None of them fell in love with Melvin from the moment the doctor said "you're pregnant", but I did. No one felt his movement inside of them that I had felt, no one sat up nights holding their stomach smiling about the expected future that I would have with my son. No one had to push him into this world. I did. He's my son. I partly feel this way because so many people wanted to console but boy did they say some stupid things. Sometimes, I was screaming inside as they were talking. I wanted to say shut up! Shut UP! SHUT UP! Leave me ALONE!
I smile now as I type my comments, becasue I miss him, I love him, and forever I will carry my son in my heart. I miss his light brown eyes, his mole on his cheek, his ashy feet, his witty personality, and mostly I miss my best friend. He was so gentle with me.
It's been two and a half years and I haven't been back to the gravesite since the day I buried him. I can't go yet. I'm not ready.
Love to each of you! Tabatha
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8-29-2010 @ 10:31PM
KELLY said...i have an aunt who lost her daughter at the age of 21 that will be 30 years this september 26th. She was killed due to a drunk driver the driver who killed her got a slap on the wrist( he went to jail for6 months) we couldn't even have an opened cassket because she was really messed up from the accident. My aunt has another daughter who is 3 years younger then her sister was when she was killed.I go by where she was killed from time to time I can.t not think about her when i go by the intercection were she was killed by this drunk who took her life that makes me so mad that this person took my cousin from her parents who are now divorced and with different partners.I hope that it eats at him for the rest of his life.
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10-19-2010 @ 7:29AM
Navaneeth said...Dear Freinds,
Is there anyone who can help me and my wife to over come from this heartbreaking days. I lost my one and only child, my loving daughter 'Anavadya' on 7th october 2010. We cannot still believe she is not with us.
It was only a simple fever she had on Sept 1st and almost cured by 3rd September and went to school as usual, but came back so tired and took rest as per doctor's advice. We cannot find any problem untill 6th September. She cannot move her leg and hence we consulted with a Neurologist. After a several test, they found my daughter is affected the immune desease called ADEM. It was really hard days for us that slowly after two days she lost her conscious. Finally God took her back.
I am still can't realise her loss because she loved me very much. I never go out without her except my work place. I never had food at home without her presence. She used to sleep in between me and my wife. We really lost our future. Many times we thought about suicide, but since we belive in God, our religion says that we cannot meet her in heaven if we suicide. Now our thinking is how to meet her again. How many years we need to wait for that. We are sure that she will be in Heaven because she was so innocent and everybody love her very much. No body will forget once met her.
It is only a week passed after her loss. I am still asking everybody to pray for her to get her soul peace and happiness and care from God.
unlucky father
Navaneeth
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11-11-2010 @ 11:53AM
Sherry said...We lost our daughter just 2 weeks ago - a car accident that has yet to be explained. She was a young 22-yr old college student, a new Christian, sister to our younger daughter, pre-school teacher, and a friend to anyone that knew her. I do not know yet how we will survive this pain, but survive we will. My daughter would not want us to suffer the rest of our lives - we will miss her and always love her, but our plan is to take the goodness that she portrayed to all of us. and pay it forward...in her loving memory.
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1-04-2011 @ 8:49PM
mel said...Hello friends, I am so sorry to read of everyone's losses. I myself have no children and have no idea the type of pain felt when a child passes, but I wish everyone the best in the future. And when someone tells you not to cry or that you'll get
Over it, tell them to go to hell. You need to Grieve and cry. And you have every right to do so. I lost my brother 13 yrs ago in a motorcycle accident and the pain my mom went through was unbearable. I can't even imagine. I think about my brother all the time and wonder if he's watching me. God bless you all and I hope you find some way some how to cope.
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