Family Letters

Filed under: Opinions

Welcome to Time Out, the place parents go for witty insight, tongue-in-cheek advice, and calming reassurance from a seasoned parenting veteran who believes laughing together beats sobbing alone when it comes to crayons in the dryer and other hazards of childhood.

Dear Unknown Family Member Who Has Stopped Up the Toilet for the Third Day in a Row,

While I applaud your attempts to deal with the situation yourself (and will be sure to add "Plunging 101" on the agenda for our next family meeting), you might consider to altering your typical bathroom routine. Perhaps a pre-emptive flush before things get out of hand?

Thanks in advance and let's never speak of this again,

Your Mother (or Wife)

Dear Youngest Son,

It has been brought to my attention that you are required by law to address me as "Mommy" until you have filed the appropriate paperwork granting you permission to call me "Mom" like your older and less huggable brothers.

Please make the necessary adjustments as soon as possible.

XOXOXO,

Mommy

Dear 2nd Youngest,

Thanks for emptying the dishwasher without even being asked! I never cared for that particular bowl much anyway. Wanna help me find a better one?

Love,

Mom

Dear 2nd Oldest,

Good job texting me right back when I asked "Hey, this little gathering isn't a make-out party or anything, is it?!" Good communication skills are one of the most important skills to master!

Proud to be,

Your mom

PS. You do realize I can tell just by looking if your lips were getting a workout, right?

**ATTENTION FAMILY: THE PERMANENT MARKER HAS DISAPPEARED FROM THE KITCHEN DRAWER. REPEAT, WE HAVE AN AWOL MARKER OF THE PERMANENT VARIETY. IF YOU SEE THE MARKER AND ARE UNDER THE AGE OF TEN, ALERT PROPER AUTHORITIES. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO TOUCH THIS MARKER BY YOURSELF.**

Dear Oldest,

You're mastering Chemistry and French in school and can follow complicated routes during cross country meets. I'm pretty sure if you applied yourself, you could familiarize yourself with our kitchen rather than ask me every day where the toaster or knives live. Seriously, it's not that hard!

Third drawer from the left,

Mom

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AdviceMama Says:
Start by teaching him that it is safe to do so.