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Is Yelling at Your Kids OK?
Filed under: Opinions
Perhaps one of the best-kept secrets of parenting is that, sometimes, it's OK to lose your temper. In fact, it just might be one of the best things moms and dads can do for their kids.Susie Orman Schnall writes about her own parental tempter tantrum on The New York Times parenting blog, Motherlode, recalling an evening when fatigue and frustration combined to make her boil over when her kids got crayon marks on her kitchen table.
Newsflash, people -- parents are human.
One of my favorite parenting concepts is the idea of "the good enough mother." No parent is perfect all the time, despite what glossy magazines might have us believe. My house is never totally clean, the laundry is never completely done, and sometimes we eat cereal for dinner.
And sometimes I yell at my kids, because sometimes they deserve it.
Raising kids to expect perfection in both their environment and relationships does them a terrible disservice. They grow up not knowing how to cope when life gets messy -- and sooner or later, everyone has to deal with some metaphorical spilled milk.
Not to mention the fact that it certainly makes an impression. Imagine if your kid runs into a busy street without holding your hand. Do you sit down and have a reasonable discussion about his bad choice? No, you yell at him to never, ever, for the love of all things holy, do that again!
I guarantee he'll remember that the next time he's tempted to dart into oncoming traffic.
Should parents scream and yell all time time, over the small stuff? No, that's emotional abuse. But do we sometimes express our frustration, showing kids that we love them even when they make us angry? Do we raise our voices when they do something dangerous? Yes, that's healthy.
What do you think? Is it wrong for parents to yell?
| Never, that is abusive! | |
|---|---|
| All the time, how else will they learn? | |
| On occasion, when I am at the end of my rope |
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
1-20-2009 @ 11:49AM
rebecca Biernesser said...I wonder how many parents are going to post about yelling is abusive to your children.
I firmly believe children have the right to learn the following:
1.) clean up after themselves
2.) entertain themselves
3.) hear the word "no"
4.) hear the words "i don't know"
5.) hear mom, or parent figure lose it
6.) have special things that the other siblings do not have
I have lots more but those are my pet peeves. I'm not my child's friend at this stage in their lives. I'm their parent, which means I'm going to lose my temper, I'm going to yell sometimes, I'm going to say no, oh yes, sometimes i will swat your behind. But sometimes, I'm going to curl up on the couch with you and watch that stupid cartoon you like and pretend like I love it just as much, play video games, chase you around the house acting like an idiot, help you with your homework, and the list goes on.
So ya...to me, yelling might not be perfect, but it's me and sometimes it's gonna happen.
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1-20-2009 @ 12:17PM
LS said...Thank you, Rebecca..... just this morning, I had a meltdown that matched that of my 5-year-old. For him, it was typical stuff. For me, it was a reaction to that, and the fact that it's freezing out and our furnace has broken down. Sometimes humanity interferes with our best intentions, and things fall apart.
The important thing about this morning was... when the storm had blown over, we sat together and apologized to one another for being petty and cranky. we hugged and decided to get on with our day.
I think it's just as important for him to see me "lose it" once in a while as it is for him to see me "gather it back up" and get past it.
1-23-2009 @ 12:23PM
Amanda said...I totally agree with you. I am the same way with my 7 year old.
1-20-2009 @ 12:13PM
shombuddiesmommy said...Personally getting yelled at beats getting spanked, which was how my parents disiplined. Not saying I didn't deserve it but, ouch! I think giving a good loud talking too is more effective than the, "honey, you shouldn't do that because.." speeches. I also think that a spank on the tush doesn't have to be hard to be effective. I've swatted for reasons like going near the hot stove, at two and three years of age this is effective in making a point. Especially after having told the two year old that it is "hot and will burn you" and being ignored. So if my yelling offends I'm sorry but it was sometimes necessary. My results, one 31 year old insurance broker daughter, god bless her, who is also responsible for my first granddaughter, two grown sons, ages 25 a landscape architect, and the second age 23 who is gainfully employed and considered to be management potential, and lets not forget my youngest aged13 who is doing quiet well in her studies and has many friends and great opinions.
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1-20-2009 @ 1:44PM
Melissa said...So right, getting yelled at beats getting swatted lol! You're also right, though, sometimes they need it....not hard, just enough to get their attention (hot stove, running into the street, etc. and telling over and over again, and being ignored). My mom doesn't agree with the spanking, except in the case where she runs into the street or runs off from me in a crowded place, then my mother is okay with a light swat on the behind. Kids need boundaries, and yelling at them is perfectly fine, as long as you don't smack them upside the head lol!
1-20-2009 @ 2:21PM
SKL said...Yelling is terrible, almost as terrible as the stuff I am yelling about! Aaaah!
Yesterday my 2-year-old was angry about something silly (can't even remember what) and she was doing her piercing shriek thing. Thank God she doesn't do it that often, but I can't stand it. I acted like an adult until I couldn't stand it any more, then started banging my feet on the floor and saying in a not-so-mature voice, "how do you like it!?" "Well, I don't like it eeeeitherrrrr!" Sometimes you gotta get their attention because they work themselves into a stupor.
Then there are the times (all to frequent nowadays) with my other 2-year-old, who can't be bothered to look up from her activity.
"E?"
" "
"E. E!"
" "
"E, listen to me, I'm talking to you."
" "
"E, EE, EEE, look at me!"
" "
"EEEE, ARE YOU DEAF?!"
"Waaaaah!"
Ugh.
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1-20-2009 @ 2:51PM
queenoqueens said...We all want our kids to end up as happy, well-adjusted grown-ups. I often wonder if yelling gets in the way of that. Of course we're going to yell when our kids runs across a busy street or try to touch a hot stove. That's human nature, and I'm not sure you can stop yourself from yelling in those cases.
What I wonder about it whether yelling at them for "not following rules" or something less urgent does something to their psyche. I yell more than I'd like because I'm not a patient person and have high expectations for my kids (probably higher than I should). And I usually regret it, not because they don't "deserve" it, but because I'm wondering if I'm making them fearful. Maybe they'll be fearful of mistakes, because they're afraid of being yelled at. Does it turn into a slippery slope?
I sure hope not.
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1-20-2009 @ 5:41PM
LS said...GREEEAAAATTTTT...... now I'm all paranoid again about our morning!!! thanks....
I kid. a little....
I think the damage to the psyche could happen, definitely, if EVERY reaction to EVERY screw-up by a child was 'rewarded' by being yelled at. Most of us, though, and it seems like you, too, Queen... we try to maintain self control, no matter how short our fuse is - we speak sternly, we try to head off behavior, we try to correct - before we explode out of frustration, or whatever.
I stand by thinking that *some* yelling isn't too bad, since it can teach our kids that everyone has a full spectrum of emotion.
If their parents never got angry, never "lost it", they'd be in for a BIG and probably bad surprise when they got to the "real world".
1-24-2009 @ 3:58PM
Tired said...I'm a single mom of a severely autistic nonverbal child (as if that doesn't explain everything right there). He's a great kid and I adore him. Sometime he goes into autismworld (or mental sabbatical, as I like to call it) and the inside of his head seems to just spin. He doesn't sleep, so I don't get to sleep, and grabs at me 24 hours a day, and after about 8 weeks of it, I totally lost it and yelled G%D D$%M IT STOP TOUCHING ME!
But in the morning I went in an apologized and explained that sometimes everyone yells, and it's not okay, but all you can do is your best and sometimes people make mistakes. And he gave me a hug, so I guess I did okay.
Still feel like a bad Mom, though.
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1-22-2009 @ 9:04AM
Melissa said...I agree that there should be appropriate discipline within the home and we want the best for our kids. But how happy are "we?" As mom's we deal with a lot and need all the self help we can get to also achieve relief and happiness so that we don't get overwhelmed and take unnecessary anger out on our kids. Personally, I use self-help books to help keep my Zen at its maximum. I would highly recommend all mom's to pick up Sonia Miller's "The Attraction Distraction." It talks about the Law of Attraction, but more importantly, how to create happiness in our lives, which we all know, when mom is happy the family is a bit happier as well.
You can check the book out at:
http://www.successforthesoul.com/
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