Presidential Aspirations, Permanent Marker Illustrations, Sexual Frustrations

Filed under: Expert Advice: Just For You, Expert Advice: Family Time, Expert Advice: Home Base

Welcome to Time Out, the place parents go for witty insight, tongue-in-cheek advice, and calming reassurance from a seasoned parenting veteran who believes laughing together beats sobbing alone when it comes to crayons in the dryer and other hazards of childhood.

Dear Time Out,

After watching this week's historic inauguration ceremony, my first grader has decided his daddy should become president. What's the best way to handle this without crushing his little spirit by admitting that although Daddy is a GREAT guy, he's not exactly Oval Office material?


First Lady in Waiting

Dear First Lady,

No matter your political affiliation, it sounds like your household is already reaping the benefits of the Obama administration! Once you point out Daddy already has a job he enjoys, but that if Junior faithfully accomplishes tasks x, y, and z (such as: finishing homework, flossing, and remembering to flush) maybe he'll be President when he grows up!

If Junior persists that Commander in Chief is the perfect job for his super smart Daddy, completely forgetting that it was clever old MOM who pulled together that last-minute science project using only potatoes, string, and cough drops, it might be time to bring up the hard cold facts: before he met Mommy, Daddy dated skanks and it would be impossible for him to run for public office.

Dear Time Out,

One of my worst household fears has been realized-one of the older kids left a permanent marker out and the toddler created a Jackson Pollock down the painted hallway. What now?!

-Scribbler's Mother

Dear Scribblers Momma,

Childhood artwork is always special, but artistry applied to eggshell walls or upholstery is extra memorable! Luckily, even permanent marker fades from most hard surfaces if scrubbed with a paste made up of baking soda and water. (Just be sure to test in an inconspicuous area first, just to be on the safe side.)

To keep history from repeating itself take these safety measures:

  1. Gather up all permanent markers in your house
  2. Rent a large backhoe
  3. Using the backhoe, die a fifteen foot trench.
  4. Place all permanent markers into a aluminum garbage can that had been secured with a thirty-foot metal chain that has been triple padlocked.
  5. Throw sealed garbage can into trench
  6. Fill hole
  7. Seal area off with ten-foot fencing topped with barbed wire and patrolled by snarly, snappy guard dogs

Of course, none of the above measures will protect walls from the doodles of a determined toddler, but it will keep your mind off it for a little while!

Dear T.O.,

Blending and adding to our two families means our house includes kids ranging in age from teenager to toddlers. Finding privacy for some special "mommy/daddy" time has been..............rather challenging, to say the least! It will get better, right?!


Stacy's Mom is Not Getting it On

Stacy's Mom,

Sure! In about 18 years you'll be able to swing naked from the chandelier if you want! To pass the time until that glorious day, instead of taking in a movie on your next date night, go parking!

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AdviceMama Says:
Start by teaching him that it is safe to do so.