Octomom Puts Large Families on Defensive
Categories: In The News, Extreme Childhood
"I think for the most part we are pretty average people who happen to have more kids piling in and out of our car every time we stop it," says the 31-year-old Michigan woman. "We also don't fit a lot of the stereotypes. We aren't Mormon or Catholic, we don't homeschool and I don't wear long skirts."
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Francis tells ParentDish that reaction to octomom Nadya Suleman is both predictable and understandable -- as well as over the top. "I just think we could all stand to have a little compassion and maybe freak out just a little less," said Francis. "That doesn't mean we have to get behind the mom and her decisions, or stamp her with a big seal of approval. Just that maybe we could take a deep breath and realize that this is an extremely isolated circumstance that really has nothing to do with any of the rest of us."
Francis, author of "Table for Eight," a book about her experiences as mother to many, recently told the New York Times that not all big families are freak shows.
Suleman, Francis says, is nothing like her own large family, nor is she like the other big families who share their experiences on the website she founded, largerfamilies.com. The backlash against those who choose to have more than an "average" number of kids has always been there, she adds, but Suleman's outlandish behavior is putting them on the defensive.
Chris Jordan has seven children ranging in age from 4 to 14. She says the majority of big families are totally normal. Jordan does admit to feeling defensive at times, mostly in regard money. "So it's okay for me to have had seven kids because my husband and I can afford them."
"[People say] that it is those other people who shouldn't be having so many children," Jordan continues. "Unfortunately Nadya Suleman epitomizes those other people. No husband. No job. On welfare."
Francis and Jordan both agree that Suleman's socio-economic details help support the argument that all big families are a burden to the average taxpayer.
"The comments about big families being on welfare or costing "the taxpayers" money...is there really proof that bigger-than-average families are more likely to be on public assistance than smaller families?" Francis asks. "Even if it were statistically more likely, that doesn't make it okay or accurate to generalize about all or even most larger families. The big families I know personally work hard to live financially responsible lives and stay out of debt."
There are lots and lots of reasons people are biased against big families, Francis says, but she has neither the time nor the inclination to alter those perceptions.
"It's a silly argument to suggest that people with big families are all doing it to scratch some itch at the expense of their children. I think this one burns me the most simply because of the many sacrifices I've made and continue to make for the good of my family, as we all do," Francis says. "Sure, I have this number of kids because I wanted them, but that doesn't mean I am trading my kids' well-being to keep on a-breeding."
'Fess up, people: How many of you make assumptions about big families? Are you a Judgy McJudgerson? And how about those of you who think life is cheaper by the dozen? Why does a big family work for you?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Courtney 2-11-2009 @ 3:35PM
I say if you can afford them, Great! However, if you have a large family and have been on welfare for a while, then I have a problem. You need to be taking care of your family like I do mine & if you can't maybe the steps necessary to prevent future children should have been taken.
For me, I could never have a large family. I have two young kids right now & my husband had a vasectomy to prevent any future children. I love the two I have, but I am the first to stand up and admit that I just do not have the patience to have a lot of kids. It just wouldn't work for either my husband or I. It was not a decision made hastily or lightly, but we made the right decision for OUR family.
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Sandyone 2-11-2009 @ 5:23PM
http://www.faithandfamilylive.com/blog/the_right_to_motherhood#When:12:30:00Z
I wish I could write half as well as this woman:
"Much of this particular story, however, feels like the flip side of the “My Body, My Choice” argument we hear from abortion proponents. In one case, a woman is seeking to avoid motherhood no matter what the cost to her children and in the other case a mother is seeking to achieve motherhood, no matter what the cost to her children. Both are motivated by selfishness and both fail to recognize the intrinsic value and dignity of unborn human life."
So far, no one has seen me with my clan of six and said anything about the octuplet mom. If they do, I guess they'll just get an "Um, no." from me.
Not too long ago, I read an amazing piece that completely destroyed the idea that you shouldn't have more kids if you're getting government aid. The man made a terrific case that it really isn't the taxpayer's business how many kids a person has.
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Jennifer 2-11-2009 @ 7:33PM
Big families were a necessity a hundred years ago. Those extra hands helped work the farm or support the family. Whoever suggested large families aren't a burden on the average taxpayer needs to educate himself. More municipal resources are used to haul away their extra garbage. The local public schools are burdened by the additional children (that aren't being paid for per head) and let's not even discuss the cost to insure a brood. Remember you pay for single coverage or "family" coverage. OH YES WE SURE PAY FOR IT AND TO MAKE WORSE THEY GET THE TAX CREDITS RIGHT OUT OF OUR POCKETS. Having large children is an ego trip, pure and simple!
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Sandyone 2-11-2009 @ 10:02PM
The guy didn't suggest that large families weren't a burden on the tax system, he said it's still not up to the taxpayer to determine how many people a couple should have.
But if you want to talk about the tax system, what do you think all those little garbage-producers grow up to turn into? I'll give you a hint...it starts with tax and ends with PAYERS.
You speak as someone who knows precious little about large families and perhaps less about how a society grows and thrives.
bigmomma5 2-12-2009 @ 10:07AM
Interesting that the end is not seen... More children in turn PAY more taxes, as well as more social security, more medicare dollars, etc. This person is seeing the short term but clearly not the long term.
stsundown 2-13-2009 @ 11:52AM
I'm with Sandyone. My husband and I have five children and we have the same small, single garbage can that every other home in our neighborhood has, including the many childless couples. Our yougest all bathe together, and 90% of our household items were "found" or purchased used. We have four siblings between us who are not going to have children, so why should we feel bad about having more than two children to pay taxes in the future. You blame families like ours for your having to pay for "family" coverage regardless of how many children you have. How about blaming the insurance industry, or your employer for that matter, for this? My husband and I have worked for employers who have offered employee plus one plans, and we have researched private health insurance options that offer far more flexibility than typically gets offered through employers. Plus, there are numerous options for people who use medical savings accounts. Don't blame me because you think you are somehow entitled to more choice through your employer. And the tax credits? Tax policy favors families with children because society still overwhelmingly wants to encourage people to reproduce workers at replacement levels to maintain our social system and safety net.
grimmmey 2-11-2009 @ 9:34PM
I totally believe in a womans' right to choose...whether it is an abortion, even though I personally can't imagine having one, or a large family. In fact, although I am currently pregnant with #2 I do hope one day to have at least 2 or 3 more kids. My reasons are personal, and I do believe in adoption and foster care and would absolutely consider those as options in the future, especially considering I am an 'older' mom of 37 whose fertility future isn't certain. One of the issues in adopting, though, is the cost involved. It isn't cheap, nor should it be, but it can also be prohibitively expensive at a time when there are more children in our country, and from around the world, that need our love.
Yes, there is added expense to a large family and some of that comes out in taxpayers dollars. As Jennifer noted previously, things such as trash do cost more. And yet, I know PLENTY of small families living in 4000 sq ft homes, throwing out all kinds of garbage and creating goodness knows how much carbon emissions to heat and cool their giant house, driving H2's and flying on vacations around the world....and most of it on credit cards and loans because they don't have the money to afford it all in the first place. In order to afford the family we want, my husband and I have made more financially reasonable choices-smaller house, less expensive (and more fuel efficient) cars, etc. So, we are all guilty of stamping our big old Carbon Footprint on Mother Earth in some way or another but try to balance things out in the end.
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Sandyone 2-11-2009 @ 10:11PM
Grimmey, why can't you imagine that you'd ever have an abortion?
SKL 2-11-2009 @ 10:44PM
I'm glad someone finally wrote about the fact that a lot of the motivation behind the hatemongering against the octuplets is based on many people's attitudes about large families in general. "Anyone with 6 kids that would get pregnant again is obviously selfish, insane, or both." "What kind of life could a child have in a large family?" "I can hardly handle my 2 kids, what business does anyone have trying for more than 6?"
The facts that have come out recently show that this woman wasn't trying for 8 babies. What she and her doctor did was the same thing they did 5 times before that resulted in only 1 baby 4 times, 2 babies the other time. The previous 7 times she tried, she failed to get pregnant, so maybe she needed to have 6 implanted to have a good chance at having even one child. Maybe her body changed, but how was she supposed to know that? I am convinced she didn't expect to bring more than 1 or (less likely) 2 babies into the world with this pregnancy. And so if her pregnancy is now going to cost taxpayers and insurance members some money, it is only because of an unexpected turn of events, not because she planned it that way. (I'll ignore the highly offensive argument that she "should" have aborted some of the babies once she learned there were more than she expected growing in there.)
Which means that what people are really riled up about is that a woman with 6 kids wanted to go for 7.
I am sorry, but having 7-8 kids is not terrible for the kids. It's good for them in so many ways. But I know there are lots of people out there who can't imagine this because they have not lived it. My parents had 6 kids, and there is nobody in our family who feels less would have been better. We are all well bonded, great friends, good citizens and successful taxpayers. We know how to conserve, share, and wait/work for delayed gratification; we certainly don't have a collective "carbon footprint" equal to six times that of an average "only child." No, not even close. The great thing about being a member of a large family is that you never, for one moment, fail to consider the fact that your actions affect others. You have never been under the impression that you're the only person in the world. I can't say that of a lot of "only children" or even children in many small families.
If you don't like the government supporting kids in large families, let's change the laws so the government doesn't support kids at all. My parents (who never ceased to be taxpayers) put us in Lutheran schools for most of our childhoods. We didn't get government assistance and "cost the taxpayers money." Same goes for many large families who home school or put their kids in religious schools. So we wouldn't have minded it at all if public schools weren't there for other people's children. We also wouldn't have minded if taxes didn't pay for welfare and such. It would have saved us some money, actually.
I really feel sorry for people who can't get their arms around the idea that big families are normal and usually good. I really feel they are the ones who are mentally deficient.
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ANGI 2-12-2009 @ 12:01AM
your comment was wonderfully stated, I have 4 children, and people act as though i have has a litter of 22 pups at times. i have the patience for each and every one of them and am grateful for the opportunity my children have to understand how others feel well before they become adults and hurt others due to thier own selfish desires and intents. BRAVO
Linda 2-12-2009 @ 8:35AM
As one of six children whose mother is one of 10 and father one of 8 I have a lot of respect for large families. What I don't have respect for is people who create a large family without the means to support those children. No one in my family ever took a dime from the state, even when my father lost his job. This is all about being responsible. You don't have children for your pleasure, you have children for what you can give/sacrifice for those children. For this woman to produce 6 children by IVF without a father and then go on to produce 8 more is not the act of a loving mother but an example of pure self indulgence and selfishness. This woman is a child abuser.
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Cheryl 2-12-2009 @ 8:59AM
I love large families and think from a psychological standpoint, it helps kids grow up to be more well-rounded and cooperative individuals. I came from a family of 7 children and am especially grateful in my older years that we are all still here, the youngest approaching 51. Our parents worked hard and struggled, paid all their bills, etc. We probably did without many things, compared to other families, but that's the way it is with larger families. When we got into our teens, we got jobs to pay for incidentals we wanted. But the big difference is, there were TWO parents and my father worked, and Mom took care of the kids.
Having said that .... I don't feel people are against big families. However, in this particular case, as the details unfold .... it quickly has become apparent this woman has some mental issues, obsessions, and may possibly have some ulterior motives. This woman, Nadya, is NOT supporting and caring for her kids. Money she received from an insurance settlement was used (purportedly) for enhancing her looks, etc. AND for repeated invitro treatments to have more kids. She used the same "sperm donor", supposedly the father of most of these kids, which indicates she also probably was having a sexual relationship with him as well. This would make him the "financially responsible" biological father. Just because her pregnancies took place by invitro, it would be no different than a married couple using fertility treatments to conceive. The fact that she refused to marry him, but yet still continues some type of relationship with him and uses his sperm, tells us something. She has over $50,000 in student loans to pay off, yet used her $165,000 settlement to buy more fertility treatments. Not only that, she insisted the doctor implant ALL 6 EMBRYOS.
I personally think, despite all her denials, she IS trying to milk the system as well as continue to feed her obsessions with having more kids. There is NO POSSIBLE WAY she can take care of 14 kids under the age of 7 ... 3 with disabilities, and 8 seriously premature babies. This woman HAD A CHOICE NOT TO HAVE KIDS SHE COULDN'T AFFORD TO RAISE. Therefore, it should be HER responsibility and that of the contributing father. I hope they investigate the heck out of this. I feel sorry for all the children and the grandparents, and hope the state will look into it and find good homes for these children, if necessary. And Nadya needs her head examined. The children are beautiful, innocent little beings, and I'd hate to see harm or neglect come to them due to their mother's selfishness.
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Heather 2-13-2009 @ 10:38PM
The difference between families like the Duggars and this womena are the Duggars can afford thier kids.
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Fairness 2-26-2009 @ 4:20PM
I think that most people are not freaking out about the size of the family that this lady has chosen, but the fact that in this day and age of "choices" she has "chosen" to have all these children single handed, without a significant partner of either gender, ON HER OWN, which she keeps saying she has help, but no one has actually been seen helping her, and she has yet to finish her education, yet to get a job, cannot afford to raise them in a decent environment, and yet still has $ for plastic surgery (come on people we all know she has had some done!) . She seems dilusional (somehow looking like a certain movie star with all her children adopted and otherwise), and nails etc. With all the families struggling to get by it is like a slap in the face to them. Today if you can't afford to have children there are ways and means to delay or put off family until you can provide. SHE IS not being realistic, and I think many agree selfish. This was no "accident" between a consentual couple, this was "preplanned" and by the looks of things sneakily. Large families are wonderful, kids are wonderful, but even more wonderful in a safe, loving environment, and that does not mean they can live on love alone! There is food, and clothing, and medical bills, and school and hopefully college for some of these babies hopefully. I don't think anyone is bashing big families, just having a hard time getting their heads around Nadya's INSANITY !!!
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Geri 2-28-2009 @ 11:25PM
My husband and I have 4 children-born within 5 years, We have no mortgage, have no pressing debt because we pay our bills when due. Three of the 4 have graduated from college and the youngest is a freshman, they have no student loans. I was a stay at home mom untill the youngest began high school at which time I worked part time. We are not wealthy, just careful with money. If we could not afford to raise our four children we would not have had 4 children. If we were unable to have biological children we would have adopted. Ms. Suleman seems to have a pathological need to be needed.
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Sarah 3-07-2009 @ 10:57AM
Nadya is like the neighbor who never gets their dogs fixed and then tries to give away the litter stating it was a "surprise". This mentally ill woman chose to be careless - as did her doctor.
My parents both came from families of six kids and two parents. I have two younger siblings and see no problem with having as many kids as you want - as long as you are the one paying for them. People don't dare want the state to help the poor to pay for an abortion but paying for someone's laziness for eighteen years is somehow perfectly acceptable. That baffles me.
I won't be having children until my student loans are paid off and I know where I'll be living for five years or more ( I can work anywhere in the world). I doubt I'll ever have any kids but I won't hate those who can take care of and want to have large families.
People seem to have forgotten what responsibility means and seem to think it's okay to demand charity. If you think you're entitled to everything then you should be sterilized. People with that kind of mentality do not need to pass on that kind of dogma.
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Catherine Nagle 4-15-2009 @ 5:48PM
My parents were married in 1933 at the young age of sixteen. During their blessed marriage, they had 17 children. The reason that they had so many children? They believed it to be a sin to prevent life from coming into the world. According to their faith; children were an act of God.
My father served in World War II and was called again to active duty in the Korean War; while he (then) had 8 children. He followed through the call as a “duty with honor.” He fought for our country. He believed in liberty and justice for all! While he fought, he was wounded from a mine that exploded and left his entire back covered in shrapnel. The benefits and awards that were given to him were not monetary or gold; but in his eyes they were the “truest wisdom which comes from God." Even though he was awarded the Purple Heart for his wounds psychically and mentally, he needed to work to provide an income for his family regardless to what shape he came home in. His pension was not nearly enough to buy a week worth of groceries, never mind enough to raise his family. But he was grateful for the small sum he received (that stayed the same over the years), regardless of any changes in the economy or the growing family!
He was a gifted artist who painted murals on churches, restaurants, and social halls in the city of Philadelphia. He painted some of the scenery displays at the Academy of Natural Science in Center City. He was offered to paint for the Walt Disney Studios, but declined the position as this would take him away from the responsibilities he viewed as most important, helping raise 17 children. The most important person in his life was mom, and he valued every day that he spent with her and his children. And most of all he respected her role in motherhood as the highest a woman can achieve! We grew up seeing how very much in love they were!
My mother was a very joyful person and loved children. She never had any interest outside the house. Her only interest was in her family. She found it very hard to accept any help, donations, or charity from those who were not in our immediate family. But there were a few times she had to, when dad’s paintings were not called on. She actually turned down the opportunity to be on a famous television show, “Queen for a Day”. [A daytime television show that "awarded" mothers for their excellent roles “in giving to others.”] She thought it would take her away from her most important responsibilities of raising her children. (Even though everyone said she'd win, and probably win big!) As I have said, she never expected anyone other than herself to take care of us. Her only dependence was on God. And by the Grace of God, she did it miraculously!
Although most people can relate to one another in the ways they are brought up, I have never been able to relate to anyone! I am the middle child of 17 children. We didn't have a lot of money growing up, but I had the greatest childhood that you could ever imagine. With more than enough to go around!
All I know for sure was that my parents were able not only to feed us and clothe us, but feed others in my neighborhood. Even with supporting such a large family, having only the small pension and income from my dad, there was never a word spoken in our home about not having enough of anything! We were forbidden to speak those words! It was more important for my parents to feed and help others, rather than spoil us children with material things that held no value
Although education was not a major priority to my parents, morals, values, and virtues were! The lack of understanding in education from my parents is clearer to me today, as they barley completed the 8th grade. To me, my mother was the smartest person in the world! She was excellent in spelling and her grammar was as refined with every word she spoke to us. My dad was wise and witty as can be, and he knew just about everything that we would ask him! They both had the most beautiful personalities. They were known in our community by how well they carried themselves. They both had a unique class of their own!
They were healthy. They didn't drink alcohol and took care of their bodies. They viewed this life as a gift from God. The only medication I remember my mom ever taking was medication for her diabetes!
Maybe we lacked further education as compared to some families, but we didn't miss out on any virtues; in courage, compassion, honesty, forgiveness, manners, helpfulness, justice, charity, love, hope, and most important of all, faith in God! And in all honesty, without these virtues, there is no life, regardless of what schools we attend.
My story that I am writing clearly explains the mysterious gifts from God that are available to everyone, that a lot of us tend to miss, or take for granted. And for me, these are the most valuable things we can call on, that can save our lives regardless to what we are facing. And how do we measure the differences in the knowledge that is gained in serving our Country through two major wars, or raising 17 children joyfully? To what we have learned in High School or a College education? When it provided and served everyone very well, with love? I don't think we can.
My mother gave birth to 18 children, unfortunately she lost a baby girl that was stillborn. She was noted in the Philadelphia newspaper with a full page article and photo of her holding her 18th child in the Frankfort hospital on October 10, 1958 that was titled" " Woman gives birth to 18th child".
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