Birthday Parties - Do You Really Have to Invite the Whole Class?

by Bethany Sanders (Subscribe to Bethany Sanders's posts) Feb 12th 2009 8:00AM

Standing in the hallway at school last month, a mom turned to me and said, "We got your birthday invitation in the mail. We'll be there."

I saw a mom nearby, a mom with whom I've been friendly for two years, raise her eyebrows. Her son had just had his birthday party a few weeks earlier, and she'd invited the entire class to the roller rink, including my daughter. I gave her a quick smile and explained, "It's a tea party. We only invited the girls."

I felt guilty, and then I was annoyed at myself for feeling guilty. I hoped her feelings weren't hurt, of course, but this birthday business seems like it's getting out of hand.

Perplexed parents (like myself) are starting to ask the question: Do you really have to invite the whole class to your child's birthday party? Increasingly, it seems, the answer is yes. But what I haven't been able to figure out is -- why? If you've got the money, space and patience, I guess the answer is why not? But if you've never got enough of any of them, is it really necessary to spend your money and your last shred of sanity on a huge party?Many schools today make a blanket rule: Either invite the whole class or don't invite anyone. Earlier this year in Sweden, a student's birthday invitations were confiscated after he passed them out to everyone in his class but two kids, whose feelings were understandably hurt.

You don't have to look far to find parents who agree with this rule. MomLogic's Julie says, "The rule in my house is that my kids must invite the entire class or none of the class to their party, period. No, I don't exactly revel in the idea of that many kids invading my house, but when I think of the alternative...some kid feeling like mine did on Friday, when he was told all about the party he wasn't invited to, I know it's worth the extra effort. In fact, I couldn't live myself if I excluded even one classmate from the guest list."

Let's get one thing straight, birthday party invitations don't belong at school. And when parents plan a guest list, it's important to make sure that some kids aren't purposefully left out. But I still think that spending hundreds of dollars on a blowout bash, just so every kid can come along, sends the wrong message.

My opinion may change as my kids get older. Kindergartners are pretty much focused on the here and now, so there's little discussion about who's doing what on the weekend. But if our school ever makes the all-or-nothing rule in regards to birthdays, we'll be sticking to family-only for our celebrations.

What do your birthday parties look like? Do you invite every child in the class, choose your child's closest friends or avoid inviting school friends at all?

For more great party ideas, visit AOL's Party Central!

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Comments (19)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

laura 2-12-2009 @ 9:47AM

Growing up, my parents only invited kids who were close to me, as friends, no matter where i got invited first. It's understandable that you don't want to leave kids out of your party, but here's the catch;
Is your child friends with the whole class/grade - or a select few?
Chances are on their own, they choose who their friends are in social situations, who they talk to, and play with, so to invite kids, just to seem 'acceptable' is stupid, because your kid isn't even really friends with them in the first place.
Cut down your costs by smaller groups, unless you can afford to do something in large numbers, like a movie night or a game night.
Most children's parties require activities, paying per child, plus cake enough for your number and a goody bag. Do you really want to please kids who aren't your child's true friend,

i think that's the question you should be asking.

Mary 3-24-2009 @ 3:51PM

I only let my kids invite one close friend to the party. I have twins and an older son, and their birthdays are within 2 days of each other. The 3 of them get one combined party. So If I invited everyone in each of their classes, I'd have over 45 kids at the party. NO WAY! They can invite one friend. That's it. Nowhere is it written that you HAVE to invite every kid in the class. And if it were written, I would rewrite the book. I don't even know the kids in my children's classes. But I do know their one close friend. But I've made it easier this year. They are going to Disney for free on their birthdays! No friends! No parties! Yay!!

Nicola 2-12-2009 @ 10:37AM

I have always found that the venue where we choose to have the party (swimming pool, children's museum, etc.) has a limit on the number of guests that may attend. And, thus, I don't even have to consider the "whole class" scenario. My son has a February birthday, meaning that we have to book a venue because our home is small and outdoor activities are out of the question in the Midwest at this time of year. We couldn't invite the whole class to his parties even if we wanted to.

I do agree that invitations are NOT passed out at school. We mail them. If I don't have a particular child's home address, I grab the parent or leave a note for the parent and request it.

Its no fun to be the kid who gets left out when classmates are having a party, but lets be honest, how much fun is it to be invited to a party where you aren't wanted? Wouldn't you rather spend Saturday with people who love and enjoy your company than with somebody who invited you to a party because their mother made them do so? I don't see the logic in asking a child to invite people to his/her birthday party that are not close friends. It won't change your child's perception of the unwanted guests. It serves only to clear your conscience.

ANNE 2-12-2009 @ 10:46AM

The issue with not inviting the whole class is: Kids are social creatures, they talk. They talk about things like upcoming birthday parties, or parties just passed. My daughter is in kindergarden, and she always knows exactly who had a birthday and is hurt when she isn't invited but hears it being talked about it. The same goes for my son who is in second grade. He has only been invited to one, but hears about many others. I try to make my kids parties at a place where we can invite everyone. This year is difficult because te limit is 20 kids at the movie theater, so she is having to choose who to invite. I feel bad for any kids who find out about it and are hurt by it. They are all awesome kids (I volunteer there often) and I don't want any of them to feel left out.

Anne

Sherree 2-12-2009 @ 10:51AM

Hi There

I am based in South Africa and I own a Children's Party Company called Supakids. We have agents nationwide that assist moms with their parties. We have the same dilema with moms asking us all the time, who do we invite? So we have sort of come to the conclusion that we need to opt for what we can afford. Most moms these days send party packs & cupcakes to school and have a small celebration there. They then pick a small number of friends from the class and have a party at home with their family. These few kids are invited to the house.....It's simple, they shared the celebration in class, and moms must just understand that in these days we can not afford to invite all the kids. All parents have a different opinion about this, but our average parties that we do are for 10 kids. www.supakids.co.za

Laura 2-12-2009 @ 11:21AM

I just do not do it anymore....I do not have to keep up with the "Jone's" to make my 4 children happy. I experimented by giving my 2 oldest children a choice....a super party with all the trimings & their friends & classmates or a great time with family.They both chose family time for their birthdays.We take them out to their favorite resteraunt & let them pick out their gift.We save over $200.00 each time and are spared the headache of planning, entertaining, clean-up, and all of the other stuff that goes into planning a party!

Sarah 2-12-2009 @ 11:47AM

Our school has a policy - if you bring invitations to school and pass them out, you have to invite the whole class. We have a complete school directory, so if you only want to invite the girls (or boys) or only a select few kids, then you should mail the invitations. If you need to mail them, the elementary school office can give you the mailing addresses.

Noelle 3-30-2009 @ 1:36PM

Not all schools have directories, but that's a good idea. When I was a kid, I got invided to some birthday parties and not to others. Of course I was disappointed, but I learned to handle it.

Melissa 2-12-2009 @ 1:45PM

You would have this article AFTER my daughter's party lol! We invited the whole class, and my theory was, not EVERYONE will come! Only about half of them came tot he party, her closer friends, but my big problem was that most of them didn't R.S.V.P. to me! What's up with people now, I almost didn't have enough goodie bags! Thank God, I made extras!

Nicola 2-12-2009 @ 2:07PM

Your comment made me laugh. We have had this problem every year since we started doing birthday parties. All I want to know is whether or not you're coming. I give a phone number AND an email address. How hard is it to shoot off a one line note -- yes, we'll be there or no, we can't make it? Done. It is so incredibly rude.

Public service announcement: When you receive an invitation to an event and it has RSVP contact information, please RESPOND. Whether or not you will be attending, let the host/ess know. It takes 30 seconds of your time (and means that you won't be left off of next year's guest list because you were too rude to RSVP the last time that you were invited!).

CM 4-02-2009 @ 9:49AM

I have a tendency toward disorganization and, apparently, I've passed this on to my third-grade son. I don't clean out his backpack for him, but I couldn't help feeling a little guilty the other day when he came home from school and immediately started playing outside, leaving his open backpack lying in the driveway on a windy spring day. I walked outside and, fortunately, only a few things had blown out. One of these was a brightly colored envelope that I had never seen before. I groaned inwardly, thinking it was one of these invitations that had been sent to the whole class, which it was--dated sometime in January! With a very clearly written RSVP! I felt so bad because I hate it when I don't know who's coming to my kids' parties. Thankfully we keep them small and invite friends whose moms I know well enough to not feel too awkward calling them up to find out if their kid is coming.

ninainindia 2-13-2009 @ 6:19AM

Why should you invite children your child never plays with? I say, invute her/his friends. Yes children will talk about the party and some children will not be happy about not being invited but that's life too. Of course don't invite everyone but 1. Normally I would invite 5 or 5 children. For older children that want to go to the cinema that would be a maximum of 3 friends, otherwise the costs go through the roof.

Pavlina 2-13-2009 @ 11:14AM

When did this become such an issue? When I had my birthday parties as a young girl, my entire class wasn't invited! That would be crazy! I didn't like all those kids! Of course, that was like 25 years ago and things were just different back then I guess. I have no intention of inviting all the children at my kid's parties! They have their couple of friends at school they seems to like, then the few friends met at play groups and play grounds, that is who will be at the party!

Amanda 2-13-2009 @ 4:58PM

I still can't believe how it's almost a requirement that you have to invite the entire class to a birthday party these days. Not everybody can afford that, and it would make me crazy to try!

We have a strict rule for our children's birthday parties. One child per year old you are. No more. Although since our older daughter's birthday is July 5, it's hard to have a party then that involves classmates because everybody's out of town. No matter, she has no complaint with big family barbecues in the backyard anyway. Our younger daughter's birthday is on the Spring Equinox, which happens to be one of our religious holidays as well, so as she gets older it'll be a bit of a balancing act with that one. It'll be nice to keep things simple and still get creative with the party themes. The best parties are often the simplest ones!

Heather 2-13-2009 @ 10:38PM

I would never invite the whole class. I think it is absurd that people do that. I think it all started with the " out doing the Jones" . My son gets to invite his friends. The 4-5 kids he actually palys with.

Lyssistrata 3-05-2009 @ 12:26PM

We are a very moderate income family in a very wealthy neighborhood so "keeping up with thte Jones'" is just not possible, and not a game I'm interested in anyway. We developed a rule that the kids could invite to their birthday the same number of kids that is their age. So my six year old is turning seven in a few weeks and we're inviting seven friends to a "slumberless" party here at the house where they'll be in jammies and have all sorts of movies, games, popcorn, etc. then we'll pack 'em off home for bedtime! It's been a good rule and the kids *know* not to argue for more - that's just the way things are here. (We've also told them they don't get the insane bounce-house parties if they still want to get gifts! Greed works, hehe)

rocky rose 3-06-2009 @ 7:37AM

I think that for most children the entire class is overwhelming. However, in nursery school (where there were 12 to 13 kids in the class) I did it. In elementary school, my rule was reciprocate to all kids who invite you. Also, if they wanted more than half of the girls in the class, then they invited all the girls. I felt that if there were 10 girls in the class it wasn't right to invite 6 of them. It worked out well. My girls were never invited to boys' birthdays all through elementary school.

Andi 3-12-2009 @ 11:52AM

Here's another perspective: When my son was younger, he was invited to a birthday party every week...we went broke purchasing gifts! Consider the cost for the family of all those kids you feel obligated to invite. Their parents don't want to tell them that they'll have to miss out on something everyone else in class is invited to. And now they have to shell out for ANOTHER gift. 25 gifts a year... that's too much. Stop the insanity:)

lolo 3-15-2009 @ 1:45PM

Hi - Just invited everyone in my son's class to a bounce party....I thought not everyone will come. I am now at 58 people (parents,siblings and classmates) and counting...this is getting to be close to the amount of people at our wedding. I am not sure how this got so out of hand! Never again!

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