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Birthday Parties - Do You Really Have to Invite the Whole Class?
Filed under: Opinions
Standing in the hallway at school last month, a mom turned to me and said, "We got your birthday invitation in the mail. We'll be there." I saw a mom nearby, a mom with whom I've been friendly for two years, raise her eyebrows. Her son had just had his birthday party a few weeks earlier, and she'd invited the entire class to the roller rink, including my daughter. I gave her a quick smile and explained, "It's a tea party. We only invited the girls."
I felt guilty, and then I was annoyed at myself for feeling guilty. I hoped her feelings weren't hurt, of course, but this birthday business seems like it's getting out of hand.
Perplexed parents (like myself) are starting to ask the question: Do you really have to invite the whole class to your child's birthday party? Increasingly, it seems, the answer is yes. But what I haven't been able to figure out is -- why? If you've got the money, space and patience, I guess the answer is why not? But if you've never got enough of any of them, is it really necessary to spend your money and your last shred of sanity on a huge party?Many schools today make a blanket rule: Either invite the whole class or don't invite anyone. Earlier this year in Sweden, a student's birthday invitations were confiscated after he passed them out to everyone in his class but two kids, whose feelings were understandably hurt.
You don't have to look far to find parents who agree with this rule. MomLogic's Julie says, "The rule in my house is that my kids must invite the entire class or none of the class to their party, period. No, I don't exactly revel in the idea of that many kids invading my house, but when I think of the alternative...some kid feeling like mine did on Friday, when he was told all about the party he wasn't invited to, I know it's worth the extra effort. In fact, I couldn't live myself if I excluded even one classmate from the guest list."
Let's get one thing straight, birthday party invitations don't belong at school. And when parents plan a guest list, it's important to make sure that some kids aren't purposefully left out. But I still think that spending hundreds of dollars on a blowout bash, just so every kid can come along, sends the wrong message.
My opinion may change as my kids get older. Kindergartners are pretty much focused on the here and now, so there's little discussion about who's doing what on the weekend. But if our school ever makes the all-or-nothing rule in regards to birthdays, we'll be sticking to family-only for our celebrations.
What do your birthday parties look like? Do you invite every child in the class, choose your child's closest friends or avoid inviting school friends at all?
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 2)
10-04-2011 @ 3:46PM
Susan said...Our daughter is 9 years old and has an August birthday so we don't have the same pressure to invite all classmates to her party. The general rule at her school is that no party invitations may be sent to school during the school year. The school has a directory and in recent years we have done most of our invitations through evite. Year to year the number of guests at her party have varied with an average of about 8-10 friends. This year I believe that she had 12 friends (including a friend's younger sibling) at her party. We are lucky to be able to have most of her parties outdoors, either at a park or in our backyard. I think that parents should make an effort to teach their children not to discuss their birthday parties around kids who weren't invited. While I think it's important to teach children about including others, I like to let my daughter choose who she wants to invite to her party. As she gets older, I hope to continue to make the parties fun but less work for my husband and I.
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11-03-2011 @ 4:40PM
Christine said...I know this is an old comment thread but I felt the need to release a little steam on the subject. My husband and I were both laid off recently so money is tight. We told our 11 year old daughter that she could invite her 6 closest friends to her birthday party at a public place where we had to pay per child. Some kids heard about the party the next school day but were fine with it. Kids need to learn to deal with things and not always be coddled through life. And yes they will get over it.
There have been parties that my daughter has not been invited to and she was fine with it. She even said, Why would they invite me, we aren't friends.
There was only one girl who threw a fit. She had her party 2 weeks later and invited the entire girl scout troop and only excluded my daughter. Not only did she exclude her but she made a point of telling her that she was the only one not invited. She then went on to say that her mom didn't like my daughter because she did not invite her daughter so therefore she was not invited. She also called my daughter a bully for not inviting everyone. I mean come on, seriously. What kind of parenting is going on here. She is doing exactly what she is critisizing me for and on top of it instead of being discreet she is rubbing it in her face! And who is the bully here?
I still stick with my opinion that kids should not have to invite someone to their party that they don't even talk to at school. It is their party and they should get to invite the people that they are close to. It is their special day. Not a day that they are supposed to give in to societies new view of heaven forbid we offend someone or upset someone.
A childs birthday party is supposed to be a fun day to spend with loved ones. Not a day to make your parents go into debt or get 50 presents from total strangers who buy you generic stuff you don't want anyway because they don't even know you or the things you like.
So to the girl and her mother who treated my daughter unfairly today, shame on you. You are the bullies and you are the ones who should look in the mirror before pointing fingers at others.
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