Staying Mad at a Child - How Bad?
Categories: Preschoolers, Development
Ever have one of those bad-parent moments where you instantly regret your actions or words? And then you spend the next few days wondering: Did I just damage my child? If the answer is no, please click on the Daily Cutie photo above for some adorable images of the most attractive children on the planet! If the answer is yes, read on... Recently I've been locking horns with my 4-year-old daughter. Last night, for example, she wouldn't go to bed. And wouldn't and wouldn't go to bed. Then she refused to go to bed. She tantrum'd. She screamed. She said: "I hate you." (O.U.C.H.) And finally, finally, she hunkered down to sleep and even said she was "sowwy." Okay fine. Except...instead of accepting her apology and moving on, I stayed mad.
Even the next morning, when she wanted to draw a picture together, I wasn't ready. (I actually considered saying: "No, thanks, I'm still mad at you.") I realize how petty this sounds: she's four for goodness' sake. But my feelings are what they are. And I'm worried. Surely holding a grudge against a child is bad for her. That must be why I feel so guilty about it, right?
To find out the answer to my question, I called up one of my Mommy Advisors (MA's) Rosanne Tobey, L.P.C., Director of Calm and Sense Therapy in Scotch Plains, NJ. "How bad?" Tobey said, "Well, it depends...."
"How long did you hold the grudge?" Tobey asks. A few hours, I say. Maybe like, overnight. "Not so bad," Tobey says. "I don't think there's anything wrong with letting a child temporarily feel the impact of her actions. It sounds like you're demonstrating that bad behavior begets bad behavior." Okay, then, good. Not so bad.
But wait there's more. Tobey says I might think about whether I'm being strict enough. "Are you responding with discipline when she acts out, or are you expecting her to set boundaries for herself?" Hmm... "Do you change the dynamic when you start to feel like you're fighting with her, or do you get in the trenches and go though it with her?"
Uh, the second one. And at first this realization makes me feel like the worst parent ever, but then I realize how constructive Tobey's advice is. By taking ownership of the situation, I'm also taking control of it. My child is acting like the child she is, and I'm taking her behavior totally personally. I'm fighting with her instead of parenting her.
She is acting like a typical preschooler, and apparently, so am I. Time to cut that out. Here's what Tobey suggests I do from now on:
1. Try to avoid "head to head" arguments by acting quickly to discipline bad behavior instead of cajoling or negotiating.
2. Let my little Princess know how her actions are making me feel: "That was unkind the way you spoke to me. Mommy is not in the mood to draw a picture right now."
3. Take a break from my child when I feel frustrated (Tobey says it's okay to say "Mommy needs a break," and give myself a time out).
Finally, Tobey says, "I would never advise being mean to a child because she's bad. Lovingly, temporarily detach from her instead. And if you carry a grudge for a long time, that's a signal something bigger is going on and you should seek advice to solve the problem before it changes the whole way you treat your child. A child who gets too much negative feedback can start to feel like she can never do anything right. And then there's no incentive to be good; why be good when Mommy is mad all the time anyway?" Talk about ouch.
Holding a Grudge: How Bad? "On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the worst? I'd put this at a 2," says Tobey. "Unless a grudge goes on for a long time (more than a day) or it happens often, then it's a problem."
Do you have a "parenting crime" that's troubling you and you'd like to find out: How bad? It can be about food, lame parenting behavior, something you said that you now regret...anything. Email your How Bad? to PrincessLvsPink@gmail.com (use subject: How Bad?) and your question could get answered, or comment below with your own story about holding a grudge.
Sabrina Weill is editor-in-chief of princesslovespink.com
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
TS Laughter 3-04-2009 @ 3:42PM
Awesome topic. I have often wondered if I am not the worst mother ever for being mad at my child's behavior well after the fact. Thanks for taking some of the pressure off!
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maria 3-04-2009 @ 3:50PM
My second son (7 yrs) has trouble going to school on Mondays and will kick and scream and refuse to get on the bus. He needs to get on the bus so I can go to work and driving him to school makes me get to work up to an hour later. I have worked very hard to change my behavior because I know getting mad does no good. We had a snow day so yesterday he really didn't want to go to school. After cajoling and working and distracting - he was in full no no I won't go, kicking crying screaming as I dragged him to the bus. At the bus stop he ran away because his daddy hadn't come outside. We got him calmed down, drove him to school, he's happy and chatting in the car and I'm fuming. We drop him off, hit traffic and I am behind all day. I was still upset when picked him up last night.
That said - one thing I try to remind myself of when I'm acting like my child - is "I'm the grown up" That chant often centers me and calms me down, reminds me to redirect and not act like 7 (or 4 or 9) yr old. However, yesterday it didn't work...
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Melissa 3-04-2009 @ 3:56PM
I have often wondered the same thing, if I am being a horrible mom for getting upset or getting my feelings hurt for something my 3 year old does or says to me (i.e.: if she hits or kicks me when she is mad, or if she turns away from me and tells me "i'm sad, i'm not talking to you")....now I feel like I can chill out for a minute, and not feel guilty.
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Nicola 3-04-2009 @ 4:40PM
The BEST advice of all was something that I'm sure we all forget from time to time: Do not get dragged into an argument or a "fight" with your child. You are the adult. You are the boss. This is when I get the most frustrated of all, when I allow myself to be sucked in and I'm suddenly yelling and arguing with a FIVE YEAR OLD. Wait a minute. He does not have authority over the situation. He is FIVE. You can't hold a grudge if you remember that you are the adult and that the childish behaviour is both annoying and appropriate. That it is our job to steer them in the right direction, rather than win the fight! Love this piece, great advice.
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SKL 3-04-2009 @ 7:02PM
There have been times when I've shown "extended irritation" because certain little people seem to think some careless act is fun or funny when they should be thinking of how to be more careful next time. They will be all "look at this great pretend soup I made, taste it" and I'll be "I'm not in the mood. I'm really frustrated because ___. Maybe later." I also avoid eye contact for a while. It seems to help them think before they act. Of course I don't hold it for long - nor would I want them to if they were the "injured party."
I don't believe there's anything wrong with letting kids see us have normal healthy emotions, up to a point. Actually, I think it's irresponsible not to do so.
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ame s 3-05-2009 @ 5:47PM
I became a parent a decade or so later than most of my peers and friends. My late-husband was dead-set against having children because his father/mother/stepmother were, to put it very kindly, not the best role models. My parents were (and still are)wonderful, so I decided I did want a family. I have my late-hubby the option of being the father of my children, or cutting our losses & divorcing so we could each move on.. He chose to stay.
I realized that the anger I felt towards my daughters was more anger that I felt towards myself. Their behavior was and is a result of my parenting, and my reactions to their actions. Once I understood that, I don't get angry with my children. I get angry at misbehavior, but once I explain to them why I'm angry, we're able to work it out.
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LS 3-05-2009 @ 12:47PM
THANK YOU for this insightful and relevant article. It is stuff like THIS that drew me to Blogging Baby so many years ago, and what continues to bring me back, although of late, I've been very discouraged with all the OctoMom/Obama/Angelina Watch that's been going on.
That said....
I think we've all been drawn in to something like this. Those that haven't, you are SuperParents, and I long to sit at your feet and learn! I've had this happen twice in the last month. The first time was a "late for the bus" scenario... there was screaming, there was yelling, and there was hitting and kicking (on his part, not mine). Yeah, it got crazy. But I got him, kicking and screaming, to the bus.
And cried all the way to the gym (my first stop of the day). I passed the gym that morning, and went to his school. I managed to catch him on the way to his kindergarten classroom. He was shocked to see me, and ran to me, throwing his arms around my neck. "We had a rough start today, didn't we, Little Man?" I asked. "Yeah," and hugged my neck harder.
I drew him back... "Well, let's both say we're sorry to each other, and promise to try to better, ok?" And we did. The rest of the day DID go much better, and I like to think, at least, that I taught him a lesson that day. That there is benefit in NOT holding a grudge (although I can completely understand the motive behind SKL and others who do hold it for a while. There is education in that, as well.)
FFWD to yesterday. He had another massive meltdown, and I handled it in a completely different manner. I stayed calm. I breathed. I repeated "do not get sucked in" over and over again.
And that mental detachment allowed me to think of a solution that fixed the problem, drew him out of his tantrum spiral, and made the rest of the day go MUCH better.
Now, if I can keep that mantra going, I should be good.
***
Please, Sabrina and PD, KEEP THIS THEME GOING! This is the kind of stuff that helps countless moms and dads.
The random "links we love" and the gossip-laden articles are fun, but not really helpful. More meat and veggies, less dessert, please!
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