Is Your Kid a Sore Loser?
Categories: Toddlers, Preschoolers, Kids 5-7, Kids 8-11
Recently, a mom at her wit's end wrote a letter to Dear Abby: What should I do, the mother worried, with a sore loser? It seems that her 10-year-old son, "Harry," ends up in tears if he doesn't always win -- and has no problem with cheating, if it'll help. "We have told Harry repeatedly that games are supposed to be fun," writes the mom, "but he seems unable to grasp the concept."
As a general rule, of course, no kid likes to lose. A certain amount of sulking and crying is perfectly normal, say the experts. Especially for little ones, who lack the vocabulary to express their emotions with words.
But by age 10? Come on, Harry. Keep it together. Unless, perhaps, mom is leaving out a key part of the story. Maybe, just maybe, mom and dad have problem with losing, too.
Parents who never admit to their own mistakes run the risk of having kids who feel pressure to achieve unrealistic expectations, says family psychologist Lawrence Kutner, P.h.D. Unwittingly, the message at home might be: "Our family must always succeed."
Kids are perceptive. If your little one sees you bitch and moan when you can't find a parking space, he may view this as a coping mechanism, and likewise blow minor events (like losing a game) out of proportion. Older kids, in particular, who are sore losers often worry what others think of them if they don't win, says Kutner. It's a self-esteem issue.
Also, Abby suggests Harry's parents should point-blank explain to him that not winning doesn't equal "loser." What does? Acting out. Cheating. A true success knows how to lose with grace. It's a skill that any parent can nurture, says Kutner. Just don't do this:
• Let your kid to win all the time. Allowing him to lose on occasion will teach him how to set realistic expectations and master gracious defeat in the outside world.
• Celebrate his wins big-time. A well-intentioned celebration sends an otherwise negative message. That is, you value winning over effort. Fete his energy and improvement, too.
• Let him give up. Nudge him to keep going even if he fails once, twice or more. Why? You want to teach him perseverance and that the journey is more important than the destination.
Tell us -- how do you handle a sore loser?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
LS 3-06-2009 @ 9:29AM
The game shuts.down.
The minute we get whining, tantrum throwing, cheating, etc., the game simply ends.
If a game is completed with fun, jocularity, even good-natured ribbing, or "fake" cheating (ie: checkers... pretending to jump the guy that's waaaay over there, and obviously not jump-able. But then he reins it back in and jumps correctly), and a graceful win/loss by all participants, the gaming continues, either with that game or another.
When the game ends, we tell him things like, "good game", "see how that strategy helped you win?" etc., and if he loses, the winner is gracious, saying things like, "well, you gave me a good challenge there... keep it up, and perhaps you'll win the next one."
It's as important (as you mentioned) to model the good behavior, and reward his, as well.
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Jenni 3-06-2009 @ 9:45AM
I never "let" them win. I may dumb down my strategy in Checkers or strategic games, but they win on their own accord...and I lose when they really out think me.
In games of chance (chutes and ladders, candy land, etc...) we remind them that you never know the outcome until the very end. Keep on trying.
No one likes a quiter, no one likes a sore loser.
I have a feeling that 10 year old Henry's parents always let him win just so they don't have to deal with the soar loser part...well that has taught him nothing BUT to be a soar loser.
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Mary Sullivan 3-06-2009 @ 9:56AM
Agree that by 10 they should be able to lose relatively graciously. But this could be anxiety. If a kid is stressed about other stuff, that could make it seem more important to him to win at games.
One of my 10-y.-o. twins has trouble losing, esp. if it happens several times in a row (e.g., a few rounds of the same game). And he has clinical anxiety. He doesn't cheat, but a sore-losing cousin does (11 y.o. and not dx'd with any problems), even with younger kids. His parents ask everyone, even adults, to play as hard as they can against him, because their kid needs more practice losing! Not only does he cheat, but unlike my guy he's almost unbeatable at board games, esp. those that involve strategy and not just luck.
I think if I were Harry's mom--the kid from Dear Abby--I might try some amateur "desensitizing" with him. Get him to play a game with me that I know I can win. (Not a given...I'm bad at many games, lol.) Play a bunch of rounds, and deliberately lose about one of every 3 or 4 rounds--hoping Harry doesn't catch on to the "deliberate" part. Model "good losing" whenever I lose....kids do pick up on this....be disappointed but move on--"Ugh, I really wanted to win that time. But at least it was fun; wanna play again?" Keep this up over a week or two, but cut down my no. of deliberate losses, so after a couple wks I'm winning (and Harry losing) practically all the time. Model "good winning" when I win...be happy but not gloat-y. The hope is that over time, Harry will freak out less and start enjoying the game win, lose, or draw.
Sometimes kids need parents to coach them through a skill or competency, then they can put it into practice with other kids--who, of course, are a lot less predictable in their responses. (You WILL get obnoxious gloating etc. from some kids when they win....that's just life, something we all deal with at times.)
FWIW, my loss-averse kid often will turn down competitive games, esp. if they focus on speed/reaction time, and prefers stuff where he and the other kid(s) work together toward a common purpose. For instance, he loves teaming up with a brother or friend to beat any adult at anything, basically. I think all kids dig that. :)
regards,
Mary
http://www.squidoo.com/lovestamps
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SKL 3-06-2009 @ 10:20AM
As a kid, I knew how to behave when I lost, but I hated losing so much that I didn't engage in highly competitive games after a certain age. I would tell people I didn't really care for the game, but the truth was that I was too ashamed to lose. I'm not sure but I think it was due to being raised in an environment of high expectations. My older brother was a chess wizard (super-focused asperger type) and my siblings were also pretty good and very competitive. Maybe if I ever played with someone average," so I had a 50/50 chance of winning, I would have kept trying. Or maybe my siblings could have used a lesson or two in "graceful winning" (ha!). But you play with the cards you're dealt, right? I focused on things I was "the best" at rather than get "killed" in chess.
Should I have been better able to accept being publicly "mediocre?" Maybe, but that's a philosophical argument. People who are complacent about chess may also be complacent about excelling in school or at work or being the best they can be spiritually and morally. On the other hand, being the "best sportsman" whether we win or lose is probably a skill worth mastering.
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Mary Sullivan 3-06-2009 @ 11:41AM
SKIL--Interesting take on this, based on your own history. Some of it sounds familiar, re. my kids. My anxious guy's twin tends to win almost everything, so you've got to be *super* mellow about losing to play with him. Otherwise it's just not that fun. My older guy (almost 12) will still play with him despite the odds, but then he (older guy) tends to be more passive, like you implied. He's not passive about EVERYthing, luckily, but perhaps about more things than is optimal. He tends to "underworry" at times, if that makes sense, whereas the younger, anxious guy overworries. It's a struggle to help them both get to the middle!
Mary
http://www.squidoo.com/lovestamps
Uly 3-06-2009 @ 11:16AM
We use the following techniques with some degree of success:
1. EVERY game ends with handshakes all around and "Good game!" If we skip this step, the kids get annoyed, it's an integral part of the game experience.
2. We allow for handicaps. Being allowed to win is insulting, we say, but there's no shame in using a handicap if you're a weaker player. So if we play Crazy Eights, the nieces start with 5 cards to my 7, and they're allowed to pass after drawing twice (unlike the adults). We emphasize that the handicaps will be phased out as the kid gets better at the game, and we've already phased out handicaps in some games.
3. We don't trounce weaker or younger players. I'm not saying we let the kids win (although I don't think there's anything *necessarily* wrong about that so long as it's occasionally to hold their interest, rather than every time because they're sore losers), but we don't have to win by 200 points just because we can. THAT would be a phenomenon we call "being a bad winner". Poor sportsmanship all around, really.
4. For that matter, we come down strongly on being a poor winner. It's bad enough to whine and kick and pout if you're not winning, but it's worse to rub it in if you ARE winning - it just encourages the other players to be sore losers. That sort of behavior is not acceptable at all.
5. We don't let anybody storm off mid-game. It ruins the game for everybody else. We do refuse to deal somebody back into a new game if they were a snot in the last one, unless they sincerely promise to behave this time.
6. We downplay our own winning and losing, to set a good example. Winning is met with "Hey, I won. That was a fun game - do you want to play again?" or, as suggested, some comment about how close the game was and how you didn't expect to win. Losing is met with a mild "Darn it, I really wanted to win. Oh well, I'll do better next time - are we playing again now, or later?" And their wins and losses aren't a big deal either - we emphasize that the playing is the point, not the ending.
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LS 3-06-2009 @ 12:16PM
Uly reminded me of another tactic that I use - referring to the 'gracious winner' deal... my son is REALLY into football - we watch it all the time, Bears fans that we are. And I get seriously annoyed when the camera dwells on those who make a touchdown and start doing the stupid, annoying, ridiculous "dances" (Terrell Owens, et al).
I point out to him how that is a serious violation of the "gracious winner" policy. Those who are doing traditional things, like the "Lambeau Leap" are exempt, because that's usually only done on the home field, and it's not rubbing the score in the face of the other team. A fine line, yes, but we walk it.
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SKL 3-06-2009 @ 1:17PM
A lot of this discussion seems to assume that the parents are always monitoring games to ensure fairness, good sportsmanship, etc. But after a certain age, the parents/adults are not always around. My experiences that I was talking about didn't happen with my parents watching. It's really what kids do / experience "on their own" that determines whether competitive games will be fun or not. So the question is, how much can we influence based on our example and the habits we instill when they are still young enough to be strongly influenced by adults? In a perfect world, our kids will continue to do exactly what we showed them at age 4; but in the real world, who knows?
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Mary Sullivan 3-06-2009 @ 5:00PM
Yep. Much, much easier to instill when they're little, for many reasons. Sometimes an older kid may need an "intervention" for his own good, though, if you can swing it....like the Dear Abby kid. IMO he needs some (hopefully temporary) adult help learning to chill out and be more flexible, or his life is going to be a lot tougher. Esp. heading into middle school, 'cause bullies target kids who overreact. I worry about this stuff with my anxious kid & try to work on it while I still can.
Linde Hyder 5-11-2009 @ 11:46AM
I think we as parents can do a lot to influence how our kids behave on the playing field. Often times our own competitive spirit and desire to see our children succeed can have the opposite effect and actually influence our kids in a negative way. A friend of mine who is involved with the i9 Sports youth organization shared an article recently from one of their newsletters. It was taken from a book entitled IT'S JUST A GAME! Youth, Sports & Self Esteem: A Guide for Parents by Dr. Darrell Burnett.
10 Things Kids Say They Don’t Want Their Parents to Do Before and After the Game
1. Don’t yell out instructions: During the game I’m trying to concentrate on what the coach says and working on what I’ve been practicing. It’s easier for me to do my best if you save instructions and reminders for practice or just before the game.
2. “Don’t put down the officials: This embarrasses me and I sometimes wonder whether the official is going to be tougher on me because my parents yell.
3. Don’t yell at me in public: It will just make things worse because I’ll be upset, embarrassed, or worried that you’re going to yell at me the next time I do something ‘wrong.’
4. Don’t yell at the coach: When you yell about who gets to play what position, it just stirs things up and takes away from the fun.
5. Don’t make put-down remarks about any of my teammates who make mistakes. It takes away from our team spirit.
6. Don’t put down the other team: When you do this you’re not giving us a very good example of sportsmanship so we get mixed messages about being ‘good sports.’
7. Don’t lose your cool: I love to see you excited about the game, but there’s no reason to get so upset that you lose your temper! It’s our game and all the attention is supposed to be on us.
8. Don’t lecture me about mistakes after the game: Those rides home in the car after the game are not a good time for lectures about how I messed up –I already feel bad. We can talk later, but please stay calm, and don’t forget to mention things I did well during the game!
9. Don’t forget how to laugh and have fun: Sometimes it’s hard for me to relax and have fun during the game when I look over and see you so tense and worried.
10. Don’t forget that it’s just a game! Odds are, I’m not going to make a career out of playing sports. I know I may get upset if we lose, but I also know that I’m usually feeling better after we go get a pizza. I need to be reminded sometimes that it’s just a game.
Linda 3-09-2009 @ 11:47PM
My 6 year old struggled with being a sore looser until he started to play video games. We borrowed a system over winter break and had a couple of older friends over. He played with them and was upset at first that he lost all the time, but after he saw that the older boys were loosing too and that it took them time to master the games, he became okay with loosing. He then got better at loosing in card and board games. It was an interesting, and unexpected, perk from the video games.
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