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In Defense of the Babysitter
Filed under: Childcare, Baby-sitting
No one looks askance at working mothers who arrange childcare for their kids. What else are they supposed to do? Let them run wild "Lord of the Flies" style? But what about the mom who stays home with the children? Should she be allowed to have childcare, too?Working or not, motherhood is a more than full-time job all on its own. Imagine what it would be like to have six kids, all with different schedules, all with different needs. That's why "Project Runway" star Laura Bennett has three nannies to help run her household.
In a brilliant essay at The Daily Beast, Bennett tartly defends herself in the face of haters who brand her a rich, lazy housewife:
"I could pretend to be some sort of self-aggrandized uber-mom who does it all, but the truth is I couldn't possibly get all my kids to places they need to be, well-fed, relatively clean, with homework completed all by myself without going completely postal. I have great respect for my nannies and I know that job they do is very hard, primarily because I do it, too."
Bennett goes on to talk about the caregivers who transport, feed, nurture, and yes, even love her six kids. And she also admits that her "manny" does things with her sons that she prefers not to do, like watch "man movies" or make potato guns out of PVC pipe.
A mother who admits she pays someone to play with her kids? Because she doesn't want to? Off with her head! While you're at it, you better behead me, too.
I had a cushy corporate gig when my daughter was born, and as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I negotiated a telecommuting arrangement. Conference calls and infants don't mix, so I hired a sweet girl from the local university to watch the baby while I worked. Long story, short: I quit the job -- and kept the babysitter.
I am not rich, nor do I have a posse of children. I have just two, and each of them has had a regular babysitter since birth. Right now I am an almost full-time work-at-home-mom, and the sitter watches the kids while I get precious quiet time to write. That wasn't always the case; when I wasn't working, the sitter came when I went grocery shopping, ran errands, or even got a manicure. I needed that baby-free time to keep my sanity intact.
Time apart is beneficial for both me and my children. I get time to focus on me and my own agenda, without someone clinging to my leg or stinking up the place with dirty pants. My kids get to spend time playing with someone who doesn't have the responsibility of raising them to be good, functioning citizens. Our sitter has the patience play 16 rounds of "Candy Land" because her day with them ends at 1 p.m.
Because frankly, 'round-the-clock parenting can take a serious toll on a girl's patience. At least, this girl's patience.
Not every parent feels that way. Susan Niebur's sons, Andrew, 4, and Matthew, 2, have never had a babysitter.
"For me, it comes down to trust," Niebur says. "I'm not in an area where I grew up, and I don't have any friends with teenage children, nor do I really come in contact regularly with anyone that age. I could hire a stranger, at $20 an hour, but I'm just not that confident in who they'd be."
She and her husband, who live in the metro Washington, D.C. area, "make it work," she adds: "We know that we'll have more time without the kids when they go to school. And then we'll miss these days, so for now we just do things with the kids. The kids learn to behave and be good company in stores and restaurants, and to play quietly when mama needs to work, so that we can play together later."
Marty Long has a similar viewpoint. Why would she hire a sitter for a date night, she says, when being home with 13-month-old Christopher is more enchanting than any candlelight dinner?
"There is nothing that has come up that I would rather do than eat dinner with my family, have our bath time and story ritual, and then nurse and rock my son to sleep," says the Raleigh, N.C. mom. "There hasn't been a movie worth watching or a concert worth attending to make me want to miss that time with him."
Long also says the cost is prohibitive, with babysitting, dinner and a movie adding up: "That gets really expensive, and I think about what all we could do as a whole family with that money."
Long is right, it does add up. A week's worth of babysitting, on top of what we pay for preschool tuition, would probably seem like a princely sum if I shared the numbers with you. It's a line item that gets reviewed each and every time we look at how to reduce our monthly budget.
And every time, I ask my husband to put a price on my sanity. Maybe that makes me selfish. Or maybe it just makes me human. Maybe it makes me like Bennett, who says that 27-7 diaper duty just isn't her bag:
"Experiencing the pain of childbirth does not make me love my children any more, that's why God invented epidurals. Similarly, changing every diaper, cooking every meal, and doing every pick-up and drop-off does not make me love them more either. Choosing not to do so hardly makes me incompetent."
Can I get an amen?
Should SAHMs have regular in-home childcare? Does having a babysitter or nanny make them rich, spoiled brats, or just plain smart?
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
3-13-2009 @ 1:24PM
Lori said...As long as a person can afford it, I don't think there's anything wrong with having a sitter for a weekly date night with my husband. When my husband used to travel frequently for work, I would hire a sitter every once in a while so I could go out to dinner with my girlfriends. No matter how much a person enjoys their children, I think a break for a few hours never hurts. I also think it's good for kids to spend time with other adults -- routine is important, but changing up the routine every once in a while is good for everyone.
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3-13-2009 @ 10:08AM
Mary Sullivan said...Wow. **Three** nannies? I enjoyed Laura on Project Runway, but maybe she needs to scale back some of her kids' activities? Yikes.
Not opposed to some paid help, if it's in the budget. We don't have the bucks this year, but last year I had a college student come once a week for 2 hrs as a "partner" for me, to help me help the kids w/homework and goof around with them. Two of my 3 kids have ADD/ADHD, and HW time can be very difficult, even when they're at the top of their game. The third kid can end up totally ignored, too, while I'm trying to help the others. Having that wonderful student here for that brief period every week helped so much. Hoping I can do that again next year, as this yr's been pretty stressful.
SAHM or WAHM is a challenging job, and if/when moms can get some breaks, it's good for the whole family. But again--3 nannies? Just sayin'...
regards,
Mary
http://www.squidoo.com/focusbetter
http://www.squidoo.com/lovestamps
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3-17-2009 @ 10:34PM
Robin said...AMEN! I've been a SAHM to two little ones for the past 4 years and I have to say it's haaaard sometimes and we can all use a mental break! Whenever I get some time away from the kiddos, I come back feeling full again so that I can dive back in for another round. We need to support each other as women and realize that every is different and accept it! It was refreshing to read your comments and see so many other Moms agree :)
3-13-2009 @ 10:14AM
CLM said...Baby sitters provide an additional useful function - they help a child learn how to socialize outside his/her immediate family. Our (twin) boys have been going to a Mother's Day Out program for about 4 hours twice a week since they were six months old. They love their teachers and look forward to going to "school". We also have a regular half-day sitter once a week. We felt it was important that the boys learn to relate to others - especially since they are twins. Mind you, this required a great deal of research and interviewing multiple programs and sitters to get the right people, but it was worth the effort.
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3-13-2009 @ 11:32AM
Domestic Extraordinaire said...When the kids were younger I would trade babysitting with another mom. Had I had the extra cash to hire someone to come in a couple of hours a week I probably would have, then I wouldn't have to deal with extra kids later in the week.
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3-13-2009 @ 11:26AM
SKL said...I think it's great that someone hired three women to provide a service to her family. Those are three women who are employed and paying taxes and feeling good about themselves. There's no question it's good for the kids, too, as long as they have a reasonable amount of time with their mother.
If motherhood were a popularity contest, we'd have a lot of messed-up kids. The first assumption should be that the mom knows her kids' needs and how to fill them.
I think there's a lot of petty jealousy that makes women our own worst enemies.
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3-13-2009 @ 1:11PM
Mary Sullivan said...Actually it sounds like it's not "three women," based on the "manny" reference in the article. I could maybe use one of those around here...the Lego projects have way exceeded my capacity to help at this point. ;)
3-13-2009 @ 11:50AM
Joy said...I feel that every parent needs to do what works for them and works for their own family. We aren't all the same and that doesn't make any choice we make wrong.
I agree with SKL, we are all very hard on each other as women. We should stand behind others choices.
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3-13-2009 @ 12:57PM
ninainindia said...I have nothing against having a nanny, although I wouldn't like having an employee in the house all the time. But if you need/want/have 3 nannies I think you should ask yourself why you had your children.
She will miss so much of their lives by having the nannies take care of it.
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3-13-2009 @ 1:18PM
Mary Sullivan said...p.s. I'm not really jealous of Laura, although I woudn't mind having some of her wardrobe, or her design skills. And her fab red hair ;) (Remembering her from P. Runway) My comment was more about overscheduled kids/families. Of course that's all a matter of personal choice, too.
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3-18-2009 @ 4:05PM
Danny said...There is absolutely nothing wrong with using child care even if you're stay-at-home, especially if you have multiple kids. It can be good for the entire family. I work for the au pair agency AuPairCare and a great deal of our host families include a stay-at-home parent. They love having an au pair around because its an affordable, flexible extra set of hands to help around the house. Just because you're stay-at-hom doesn't mean you can devote every minute to child care. Moms tend to be very busy, active women.
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