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Telling Your Kid to "Hit the Bully Back" - How Bad?
Filed under: Opinions
Sometimes we all have those cringe-worthy parenting moments that make us wonder: Does this make me a Bad Parent? There is no handbook for this kind of thing, so all we can do is ask: How Bad?The other night I had a dinner party, and the talk was about bullies. Not cyber-bullies, the kind that physically shove non-bully kids around.
One mom spoke up, "Our son [he's six] was getting picked on, and his father said, listen, the next time that kid pushes you, you push him back, hard. And you know what? It worked." Several parents had similar stories, including us, and honestly, we gave our then-five-year-old son the same advice (it also worked). But one other mommy at the table felt this "hit-the-bully-back" strategy was encouraging violence and sending precisely the wrong message.
Who's right here? To find out, I rang up Ross Ellis, Founder and CEO of Love Our Children USA and champion of their Stomp Out Bullying Campaign. "The problem with 'hit the bully back'," Ellis said, "Is it doesn't always work."
Really? I asked. Because it had worked for few children I know. "What if the bully fights back harder and your child is not a fighter?" Ellis asked, and then she answered: "Then, you have a real problem."
Of course children should defend themselves if they start to get pummeled -- no child should just take a beating. But outside of that, Ellis is all for finding the peaceful resolution. So what's a just-shoved kindergartner supposed to do?
As a bully-prevention strategy, we enrolled our son in Karate when he was five, and found that it gave him a lot of body-confidence, not to make him all Karate-Kid or anything, but it seemed to help him carry himself with more authority and stride.
Ellis suggests ways to give kids alternatives that make them feel empowered to handle a potential or present bullying situation, such as:
Work on their confidence. Teach your child to walk confidently (practice at home) and speak with confidence. Confidence deters bullies. Also talk about bullying at home, and help your child practice what do to if he is bullied; role-playing can take a lot of the fear out of the situation and help children feel more in-control.
Don't engage with a bully. "Bullies want to get noticed, not ignored," says Ellis. They want to feel powerful. Ellis suggests teaching your child to say in a loud, strong voice, "Stop it, I don't like that" and then to walk away confidently.
Stick in groups. Ellis points out that bullies rarely pick on kids who are surrounded by their friends.
Talk to your school, and to the other parents. Ellis told me stories about schools that hold assemblies to address the bully issue head-on, and that these talks can be helpful for bullied kids and sometimes even show bullies how damaging their behavior can be. Your school may have an anti-bully campaign in place; if not, the PTA can help organize one. For more information about putting a stop to bullying check out the Stomp Out Bullying Campaign.
So now it's time to answer the question: Telling your kid to "hit the bully back" -- how bad is it? Ross Ellis feels really strongly that "hit the bully back" is the wrong message to send because "you're teaching your child to solve problems with violence" and she worries that's a lesson that can stick with kids for a long time.
Have you had an issue with bullying and how did you resolve it? Please comment below, or send your "How bad is THIS?" question on this or other topics to PrincessLvsPink@Gmail.com.
Sabrina Weill is editor-in-chief of PrincessLovesPink.com
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 2)
3-26-2009 @ 10:41AM
Uly said...The real trouble with this advice is that children can't always grasp that different situations require different answers.
A real example, I was at the local children's museum once. Several children were playing on the stage. The curtains were closed, and nearly all the adults were sitting on the benches and couldn't see the children. I was sitting on the side of the stage, so I saw the whole thing.
A six or seven year old girl was pushed by another child. She didn't fall down or anything, but she ran to tattle to her mother who told her to push the kid back. So she did! Only thing? The child who pushed her wasn't another six year old, and he wasn't an older child either. He was maybe two. She shoved him right to the floor. I'm certain her mother didn't think that the kid was half her size, and less than half her age, or, at least, assumed that her daughter would be able to tell the difference.
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3-26-2009 @ 10:55AM
Jasi said...It works from the other side, too.
My daughter (then 2) had trouble playing with her 3 y/o friend. She is my first, and then only child. The other girl was 3rd for her mommy. Her girl took a toy from mine and my daughter swiped at her, windmill style. I was embarrassed, upset. I ran over and tried to explain to my daughter why it wasn't acceptable, why she shouldn't do this. The other mommy just laughed... "Just wait, (my girl) will swat her back and it will all be over". And you know what? She was absolutely right. A quick swat made my girl realize (more than any mommy lecture could) how bad it felt to be on the receiving end of that kind of aggression. They're good friends a year later.
I also reference this swatting when she plays rough with her little brother, "Remember when that happened to you? You didn't like it right? (Baby Son) doesn't like it either."
Good stuff.
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3-26-2009 @ 11:54AM
LS said...Sometimes, the best thing to do is sit back and let the kids handle it. As parents, we always want to go rushing in, thinking of all the studies and stories about how, if we don't intervene and protect our children, they're going to grow up and be the next Charles Manson.
But you know what? They won't.
Kids are smart. Kids have their own language. And we don't understand it. We don't speak it!
Have you ever watched puppies play? Watch a litter sometime. They're constantly rolling on one another, biting (not hard), growling, barking, whatever. In this play, they are establishing the 'pecking order' of their little pack. The tougher ones will be the "alpha (top) dogs" and the weaker ones, the "omega dogs". The mom dog rarely steps in to stop things, and nobody ever gets hurt. But the puppies know who goes first in line, and who goes last. And they all grow up and are strong, good, level headed dogs.
Now, switch back to kids...when left to their own devices, they do the same thing. Think about when you were a kid. Did your mom rush in with the psychobabble every time you had a tiff with your BFF on the playground? No. Even when you got your butt shoved to the ground, she would bandage up your knee, drop a kiss on your head and say, "walk it off, let it go" or "well, go fix it, then." And you did. And now you're fine.
Yes, there are isolated situations where bullying has gotten out of hand. But that happens mostly in the upper grades (starting in middle-ish school), and I would bet you, dollars to doughnuts (mmmm... doughnuts....) that those bullies have never had anyone fight back. They've always had an adult step in and insist that they "talk it out" or go to counseling, or whatever (and yes, sometimes it's needed. But not usually). At that young age, "bullies" understand "violence".
Letting two five-year-olds take a whack at one another isn't going to do anything except cause a bruise or two. But maybe, it'll establish a foundation for them. Either they'll walk away friends or enemies. But they'll both know where they stand.
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3-26-2009 @ 12:35PM
Melissa said...GREAT analogy (did I spell that right? lol) with the puppies....and also telling everyone to remember when we were children. If I got in a tiff with my friend/s, my mom or grandmother would tell me "well, than maybe they are not your friends, find new ones and don't play with the mean ones"....lol, I can't tell you how often I listened to that logic, because it wasn't that often! But the point is, they let me work it out with my friends on my own. They knew we would get over whatever it was we were fighting about. I now do the same thing with my daughter, who is three. If she tells me that a certain child hit her or pushed her at school, I tell her the same thing: don't play with them then.
3-26-2009 @ 12:10PM
penny said...I've worked with kids most of my adult life and my big thing is, define the work "bully" for them. I've seen some big bully's and I've seen kids labeled as bullies because they don't happen to like a certain child and have said "you know I just don't' want to play with you". Now I'm sure It hurt the child's feelings, and the child could have said something a little nicer, but goodness do you like everyone you meet? Should you be forced to play with a cry baby child just so you don't go the rest of your schooling labeled as a bully? Its tough but when I see this situation I always try to help the child define the word he's using and see if it's appriate for this situation.
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3-26-2009 @ 12:46PM
Sandyones said...Good point! Too many people don't seem to understand the meaning of the term 'bully'.
They're probably the same people who toss around the word 'terrorist' in so many stupid ways.
3-26-2009 @ 12:46PM
Sandyone said...If the bully only speaks French, you tell him to knock it off in French. If the bully only speaks violence, you tell him to knock it off in violence.
The strategy works because it's a good one. Of course, you leave the violence until after you've exhausted your own words, your parents' words and a promise, "Knock it off or I'll start speaking in violence". The bully has then had 3 chances (at least!) to straighten himself out.
I'd guess that 'hit the bully back' works more often than it doesn't. Until Ellis can give me a method that *does* always work, violence will remain a perfectly acceptable method.
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3-26-2009 @ 1:27PM
Karen said...I definitely agree with the bit about confidence. I popped out of the womb confident, and I have never really been bullied despite being small and kind of weird. My 18-mo-old and her 3-yr-old cousin play together all the time, and sometimes the older girl gets a little rough; I watch to make sure my girl doesn't get too upset, and she usually doesn't -- she just says "No no no" as she walks away. I think they're both learning great ways to interact with other kids, in a nice safe environment. Don't you love puppies? :X
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3-26-2009 @ 1:41PM
SKL said...I prefer giving my kids credit for being smart enough to figure this out. I would NOT tell my kids to hit another child; at the same time, I would not tell them it is always wrong to hit in self-defense.
Yesterday one of my 2-year-olds was intentionally aggravating her sister, encroaching on her physically, all for "fun." The other gave her a push and, because she was in a precarious position, she fell. For a change, I was right there and saw the whole thing. DD1 turned to me and said, "She pushed me!" To which I answered, "well, you were sitting on her." She understood that the push was justified and went about her business.
Uly's story reminds me of one my mom tells. My oldest brother was very small for his age, wearing size 3 in KG. That year, my mom was called to the school over an incident. Seems another child was crying that my brother had punched him in the nose. The two boys were brought to the principals' office and everyone had to suppress their laughter, because the "victim" was a large 6th-grade boy who would have had to bend down for my brother to reach his nose. My brother was asked, "what do you have to say for yourself?" His unrepentant answer: "he was aggravating me, so I punched 'im in the nose!" He was counseled not to do that again, but nobody ever tried bullying him again either!
Not every hit is "bullying." Sometimes the bully isn't even the one hitting. Best to take things on a case-by-case basis, just as we do with adults.
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3-26-2009 @ 3:09PM
Wil said...I agree that the best thing for the children is to let them work it out.
Unfortunately,in so many schools nowadays there is no case-by-case basis,now it's zero-tolerance policies where if the child defends himself he's considered as guilty as the attacker,along with programs like DARE teaching them to be nice,compliant little victims.
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3-26-2009 @ 3:46PM
courtney said...I agree with most of comments about stepping back. Kids learn just as much from us as they do from interacting with each other. I think the big issue is with the older kids feeling like they are not allowed to defend themselves. Bullies will continue to bully someone who doesn't stand up for themselves. Sometimes the only thing to do is to hit back. Not to say that trying every other option first should be stronger encouraged. And like some people said sometimes it takes being hit back to realize it's not such a great thing to do...esp when you are not expecting that as a result of your action. But like everything else depends on the situation...oh so many gray areas.
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3-26-2009 @ 5:46PM
Ross Ellis said...Here's the thing. By teaching your kids to push or shove now --what happens when they'r ebullied at 11, 13, 15? The cycle continues!
I get what you're all saying but bullying has reaached epidemic proportions. Kids as young as 8 and 9 are using suicide as an alternative to their torment. If you empower kids very young and don't teach them violence, they will fare much better later in their school years and in life.
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3-26-2009 @ 6:48PM
Sandyone said...Kids who hit the bully back cease being bullied. Everyone learns to leave that kid alone. The kid who sent the bully off with a bloody nose has new confidence and is less likely to be targeted by a bully in the future. And if s/he is targeted again, s/he knows that a well placed bop to the nose will result in lots of blood and fear from the bully.
I don't think any of us are advocating just hauling off on anyone who looks at you cross-eyed. Your suggestions for dealing with the problem are excellent and will often provide relief. Sometimes, however, more is necessary, and to take that option away is to empower the bullies of the world and create more victims.
4-09-2009 @ 9:16PM
marie said...I'm a Kindergarten teacher and I agree that children need to learn to handle situations themselves at times. I try to empower my kids with words. I demonstrate tone of voice that shows you are serious or angry or unhappy with the other child. If the children began physically retaliating every time they think they are being bullied, we would have chaos in the schools. I advise children not to tattle about things that are not dangerous or hurtful - they can say "Stop that" or "I don't like when you....". A strong look and words work. I also tell them they are responsible for looking out for each other and need to tell an adult if someone is getting hurt or if someone is behaving in a threatening way (then I give specifics). Parents - please don't advise a child to always hit back - it will backfire in the end.
4-05-2009 @ 9:30AM
Reese said...As a 16 year old; A year ago i would have done nothing but push, hit, verbally defend myself etc to a bully.
On the 21st january I stuck up for my self and the result was that i had my head smashed against a brick wall, headbutted repeadely, pushed, punched kicked YOU NAME IT! The medical dignosis of all that was that i had/have permanant eye damage, broken left hand and concussion. The bully recived no injuries what ever. I was arrested. I was charged with Common Assault and had my DNA taken, and recived a Reprimand. My attacker only recived a Final Warning and the Crown Prosection Service (what we have in England) will not prosecte my attacker because the officer involved failed to get the independant witness evidenvce.
So, if I get bullied no matter to what extent. I probably would do nothing.
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3-31-2009 @ 5:22PM
ame s said...Wow! In the U.S., what happened to you is called physical assault,can and does result in jail time for the offender the first time it happens.
I am appalled that you were the one to be arrested for defending yourself. That is so wrong!
3-31-2009 @ 5:23PM
ame s said...My older daughter was in a playgroup with a couple of bullies when she was 2 and 3. I felt like punching the mom of one girl who would scratch my daughter and push her down. After several times, I scooped my daughter up and "accidentally" let her shoe make contact with the bully girl's chin. Oops!
I once left playgroup after another child pushed mine down twice. The bully child's mom told her kid that pushing was not nice and told her kid to give my kid a hug. I told that mom that my daughter did not want a hug after being pushed down 5 times.
My older daughter is now 11, 5'7, 120 pounds. She doesn't have a problem with bullies now,but I've told her that if someone hits her once,she should try to leave the situation; if someone tries to hit her a second time,she should repeatedly punch them in the face until an adult pulls her off of the person who hit her.
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4-10-2009 @ 12:54PM
Michelle76 said...i tell my 5 year old son that if he is pushed to immediately tell his teacher. If it happens a second time, to push the other kid so hard that he will learn to never push my son again. IT WORKS!
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5-22-2009 @ 4:58PM
sjbelden said...I was bullied when I was a young child from about age five to about age ten. I tried the ignoring thing it didn't work, tried the telling the teacher thing it didn't work either. What did work is when I finally grew to a size I could defend myself and one day when the bullies hit me I grabbed one of them and beat the stuffing out of them. The others were still hitting me but I just focused on one of them and beat him without mercy and when it was finally over I never heard a word out of any of them again. Violence doesn't solve all problems but only the foolish think that they can reason with someone who wants nothing more out of life than to hurt you.
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1-05-2010 @ 8:14PM
T-Mom said...Our youngest daughter just turned 9. She is a pretty "healthy" looking little gal. The weight just came on really heavy the past two years. Her doctor is going to have her thyroid checke dout because she eats what we eat and no one lse in the house has a problem. Long story short, I keep her very nicely groomed and her hair is always beautifully styled. She does not lack confidence. She also has two older brothers (14 and 22) who have no idea what being sensitive means, so she has a tougher spirit thatn I'd have wanted her to have, but I deal with it because she deals so well.
Her attitude could have been to be a bully because she's bigger than a lot of her classmates. Not taller (she's short) just bigger. Long story short, she's stil a sweetheart and has become the designated defender of the smaller, weaker kids in her third grade class. The girls don't mess with her because she loves to get them into her Diva-style games (as well as drawing Teen Titans and Princesses and fashion models) in the past two weeks she's come home with a cute stuffed red and white teddy bear (a gift from one of the little fella's) and a gumball machine golden ring with a purple gem at its center from another little fella. She's quite protective of them.Told me "Mommy, when someone messes with my friends, the mess with ME!!!" Funny thing is, when she first started getting picked on for gaining weright, she came home crying and never defended herself. I guess when she made these friends who don't acre about her weight, she remembered how it felt to have someone being brutal toward her and she decided not to let that happen to her friends. Now that she's a bodyguard, she has actually blossomed.
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