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Telling Your Kid to "Hit the Bully Back" - How Bad?
Filed under: Opinions
Sometimes we all have those cringe-worthy parenting moments that make us wonder: Does this make me a Bad Parent? There is no handbook for this kind of thing, so all we can do is ask: How Bad?The other night I had a dinner party, and the talk was about bullies. Not cyber-bullies, the kind that physically shove non-bully kids around.
One mom spoke up, "Our son [he's six] was getting picked on, and his father said, listen, the next time that kid pushes you, you push him back, hard. And you know what? It worked." Several parents had similar stories, including us, and honestly, we gave our then-five-year-old son the same advice (it also worked). But one other mommy at the table felt this "hit-the-bully-back" strategy was encouraging violence and sending precisely the wrong message.
Who's right here? To find out, I rang up Ross Ellis, Founder and CEO of Love Our Children USA and champion of their Stomp Out Bullying Campaign. "The problem with 'hit the bully back'," Ellis said, "Is it doesn't always work."
Really? I asked. Because it had worked for few children I know. "What if the bully fights back harder and your child is not a fighter?" Ellis asked, and then she answered: "Then, you have a real problem."
Of course children should defend themselves if they start to get pummeled -- no child should just take a beating. But outside of that, Ellis is all for finding the peaceful resolution. So what's a just-shoved kindergartner supposed to do?
As a bully-prevention strategy, we enrolled our son in Karate when he was five, and found that it gave him a lot of body-confidence, not to make him all Karate-Kid or anything, but it seemed to help him carry himself with more authority and stride.
Ellis suggests ways to give kids alternatives that make them feel empowered to handle a potential or present bullying situation, such as:
Work on their confidence. Teach your child to walk confidently (practice at home) and speak with confidence. Confidence deters bullies. Also talk about bullying at home, and help your child practice what do to if he is bullied; role-playing can take a lot of the fear out of the situation and help children feel more in-control.
Don't engage with a bully. "Bullies want to get noticed, not ignored," says Ellis. They want to feel powerful. Ellis suggests teaching your child to say in a loud, strong voice, "Stop it, I don't like that" and then to walk away confidently.
Stick in groups. Ellis points out that bullies rarely pick on kids who are surrounded by their friends.
Talk to your school, and to the other parents. Ellis told me stories about schools that hold assemblies to address the bully issue head-on, and that these talks can be helpful for bullied kids and sometimes even show bullies how damaging their behavior can be. Your school may have an anti-bully campaign in place; if not, the PTA can help organize one. For more information about putting a stop to bullying check out the Stomp Out Bullying Campaign.
So now it's time to answer the question: Telling your kid to "hit the bully back" -- how bad is it? Ross Ellis feels really strongly that "hit the bully back" is the wrong message to send because "you're teaching your child to solve problems with violence" and she worries that's a lesson that can stick with kids for a long time.
Have you had an issue with bullying and how did you resolve it? Please comment below, or send your "How bad is THIS?" question on this or other topics to PrincessLvsPink@Gmail.com.
Sabrina Weill is editor-in-chief of PrincessLovesPink.com
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 2)
1-05-2010 @ 9:05PM
MyNerdBoy said...My son is 14. He was the skinny litle nerd boy for most of his life. It didn't help that his older brother was grown and lived out of town. All his friends had cousins and siblings to group up against other kids like him. For years he had to put up with his "best" (meaning "only") friends being friends one minute and then picking a fight and ganging up on him after. Then this past summer, he got bigger. Bigger than the rest. His voice turned deep and he even collected a couple of stray hairs on his chin and some dark fuzz on his upper lip. Took the glasses off, put contacts in. He had taken karate since he was 7 and it finally dawned on him that he was big enough, strong enough and skilled enough to hit back if approached. He only had to hit back twice; two different guys. They don't bother him anymore.
I used to worry that he seldom hit back, after spending all that money on karate lessons. My husband just told me "Be careful what you ask for. What if he starts fighting and doesn't want to stop?" I didn't want that; we raised him better than that. I just couldn't stand to see those kids smacking him around, acting like they were only playing if they caught me looking but knowing they were serious. It doesn't matter anymore, Between his being raised right and his karate lessons, we now have a dapper young man who has very good manners and who can defend himself.
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1-07-2010 @ 2:23PM
ara said...We are dealing with a tough situation with our son. The kid who has been physically and emotionally tormenting my son, and this has been progressively getting worse over the past few months. They started out as good friends. They are in the same class and participate on several sports teams together. My son is 6, and the other child is almost 8. Despite being younger, my son is over a head taller than the other child.
My son easily makes friends. Although he is sensitive to others feelings, he tends to be confident when dealing with both other children and adults.
This started with the other child telling my son he no longer wanted to be friends. My son was confused by this and told us what happened. Then the roller coaster of "I will be your friend today" . . . "I am not your friend today" started. This is about the time the other child started hitting my son, choking my son, and constantly stepping on my son's feet. I am not talking about the rough child play that he has with his other friends. I am talking about repeated pestering even after my son clearly told the boy to stop. Specifically with the choking, I told my son to grab the childs arm and push him away . . . and to walk away. That was our first advice to my son: "avoid the child and walk to the other side of the room." Sometimes, avoiding a child in a class, on the basketball court and waiting for your turn in line at a swim practice is not an easy thing.
The constant poking and prodding has been both a source of pain and confusion for my son b/c he wants to be the other child's friend. We have been clear to my son that this boy does not deserve my son's friendship. Frankly, I am proud that my son is so willing to forgive, and I am upset that he is losing his innocence (although I know that needs to happen). I believe that my son has tried to "walk away" from the situtaions, but he was still having the same problems.
We took the next step and told my son to tell the teacher when these thngs happen. Unfortunately, now the other child has branded my son a tattletale. Along with that, the verbal taunts have grown worse. He told my son he was going to kill my son. He told my son he was going to wring my son's neck. He told my son that he was going to get another one of the children to beat my son up. Just yesterday, he to my son that he was going to twist my son's head off. This is a seven year old talking to a six year old.
Now another child, who can be described as a side-kick, has joined in on the verbal taunts. I asked my son of these children are doing this to other kids, and apparently they are but not as much.
The next step, after talking to friends and family, was to tell my son that if the child(ren) hurt my son again, that my son needs to tell the other child to stop and if the child does not stop to push the other child as hard as he can. Again, my son is much larger than the other child. His reaction surprised me. He was very upset, not to the point of crying, but he was obviously panicked. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he did not want to do that b/c he did not want to hurt the other child and he did not want to get in trouble with the teacher and me. I told him that he had my permission to push back if he was being hurt. My son said that he would wait to do it on the playground. Now we were into the uncomfortable: "No, son . . . you have to PUSH THE KID DOWN HARD when the kid chokes you or steps on your toes and not on the playground." I feel that I am complicating things and confusing my child. I do not think he will do this, but we will see when he comes home from school today.
I am proud that he does not want to hurt the other child. I am proud that our lessons of turning the other cheek are sinking in. I do not want to erase that. I also do not want to have my child suffer or have someone, anyone, threaten my child or say such horrible things to my child.
I am also setting up a meeting with the teacher and the school counseler. I would also do the same with his coach, but the child's father is the coach. I like the parents a lot. We are not "close" friends, but we enjoy eachother's company. If we talk with them directly, this would definitely cause a rift in the friendship, though. My son is more important than the friendship, but I am not sure if it would do any good anyway.
I have read through the above comments with interest. I understand the "push back" theory, but I am not sure that if someone does not push back that they are automatically a push over. Also, I am afraid I am erasing other values I have tried to teach my child.
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7-12-2010 @ 9:56PM
Ace said...I guess its relative-like most things. While Ive heard 'ignore him and hell get tired of it' from more than one parent. As one of the kids who get shoved/pushed/trippeed/kicked-and all in elementary school, I would like to pointout that 6 out of 10 ignoring a bully simply means hell do it more since he knows he can get away with it.
Also telling the teacher in elementary school marks you as a snitch which by playground law makes you an outsider from EVERY other kid.
As for sticking in groups well that pretty musch means if your a loner, your a-screwed.
Overall, it just seems like hitting back-only to show that he cant get away with it, is th way to go.
nothing wrong with defending yourself.
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