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Would You Give Condoms to Your 14-Year-Old?
Filed under: Opinions
School isn't the only place where sex education is a dilemma. Most parents would like their children to remain abstinent throughout their teens, but worry that withholding information about birth control and sexually transmitted diseases will lead to disaster. If we tell them not to do it, but then give them information on how to do it safely, which message will they heed?While that is a difficult situation that every family has work out for themselves, resolving it doesn't necessarily mean you are home free. What happens when your fourteen-year-old comes to you and asks for condoms? You are right back where you started. If you provide them, are you condoning sex? If you deny them, are you risking pregnancy and/or disease? It's enough to make your head spin.
Cafe Mom readers are weighing in on the subject and the debate is enlightening and a little surprising. What I find most interesting is that the double standard of the past seems to be dead. While a post about a 14-year-old boy asking for condoms generated only about half as many responses as one about giving them to a 14-year-old girl, the responses themselves were fairly consistent regardless of the child's gender.
Based on those comments, many parents wouldn't hesitate to hand over condoms to a fourteen-year-old. Their logic is good: If the kid is asking for them, then there is probably already a need. On the other hand, there is a concern that a teen armed with condoms might make a different decision about whether or not to have sex than a teen without. In other words, having the condoms might push them to go ahead and go all the way.
While fourteen is clearly way too young to be having sex, I tend to side with those who feel it is better to be safe than sorry. As with so many parenting decisions, I base this on my own experience. But I appreciate that the argument against giving condoms to teens may have some validity.
In the end, we all must take a leap of faith and do what we think is best for our kids. What would you do if your fourteen-year-old asked for condoms? Does your answer depend on whether the teen in question is a boy or a girl?
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 2)
3-26-2009 @ 2:53PM
Felicia - I Complete Me said...I really do not know how I feel about this. My husband would because he doesn't want young men to go through what he did, having to be a dad so young (a single dad at that). I guess this subject depends on a personal preference.
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3-31-2009 @ 10:42AM
hall monitor said...Wouldn't you rather you son/daughter have a condom available, even if they're not having sex? Compared to not having a condom when the time comes?
Hall Monitor
http://detentionslip.org
3-26-2009 @ 3:14PM
Brandi said...Good Questions are posed in this article.
1. Would I give condoms to my 14-year old child?
Yes, if I felt they were mature enough to know what they are getting themselves into, but only after explaining what can happen emotionally and physically when becoming sexually active.
2. Would my answer changed based on the sex of my child?
No.
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3-26-2009 @ 3:22PM
Nikki said...I have 2 boys myself, 3yrs. old and 5yrs old. If it were up to me they won't do anything until they're married...LOL ha!! wishful thinking. If they ask when they're 13yrs old or 16 yrs. old I would. I'd rather have them STD-free, alive and not get the girl pregnant. Just because I have boys doesn't mean I'll worry less because if they get a girl pregnant she would become my responsibility. I would make sure that they take care of her and/or help her with the baby instead of walking away, it takes two to make a baby. If I have a girl....I would have to say that I would give her birth control pills and condoms because you can't just depend on boys to have them. I'm only saying this because of my experience with my Mom. She refused to give me either pills or condoms and said that I had to deal with it if I get pregnant. I went ahead anyway, of course I made sure that if the guy I was with didn't have any condoms I didn't go through with it. Sad but true....teenagers will do whatever they want whether we lock them up or not. I do believe that most of them do listen to us and wants to do what is right. So I think we should just teach, guide, help, and be honest with them and trust (hope) that they'll make the right choices, and learn from the bad ones they make.... hopefully not the one where they'll have to live with for the rest of their life
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3-26-2009 @ 4:10PM
Princess said..."What would you do if your fourteen-year-old asked for condoms?"
The first thing I would do was have (another) major talk with them about sex and the consequences of sex at a young age. If I didn't have or wasn't sure of all of the information I might even make a trip to the ped to get all the info. Than I'd give them the condoms and pray for the best.
It also bothers me that people think that giving children/teens information is a bad thing. It's been my personal experience (stress *Personal*) that most of the teens that have sex this early come from homes where sex is a taboo subject and the children aren't (and usually have never been) talked to about sex.
The majority of the children I've know who grew up in households where sex was talked about openly seemed to wait at least a few years.
"Does your answer depend on whether the teen in question is a boy or a girl?" I have three daughters and one son and my answer is a huge NO!!!!!! My son will be raised to know that he can't walk away from a pregnancy he helped to cause any more than my daughters can.
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3-31-2009 @ 2:53PM
Nicola said...I agree wholeheartedly. It is never too young to start giving information, as the questions arise. My son is only 5, but he is also very curious about his eventual development into a man and father, so we talk in simple terms about these issues as his questions become more complex. Knowledge is power.
I also agree that, from my own experience growing up a household where sex was a taboo subject, being open and communicative on this subject, just as on any other, is so important to raising a healthy young person. If they aren't afraid to talk to you about it, you will actually be able to have an idea about what is going on. To let them know how you feel about it. To give advice and support.
There was never a mention of sex or protection in our household. I was sexually active very shortly after my 14th birthday. It was not an idea situation. I learned everything that I needed to know about sex and protection from my 17 year old boyfriend. It was scary and totally unknown. Every step of the way, he was in control, he was the teacher. It certainly won't be that way for my own child, not in this lifetime!
3-31-2009 @ 5:59PM
Princess said..."It is never too young to start giving information, as the questions arise."
Exactly! It's my strong belief that if a child is old enough to ask a question they're old enough to get an answer. And it seems to me, that a lot of people don't understand that that doesn't mean having an X rated talk with your child. Of course you dumb (And I HATE using that word here) it down some for them. You bring it to a level they understand and go from there depending on what they ask.
"My son is only 5, but he is also very curious about his eventual development into a man and father,"
My parents and I live together and about six months ago my then 2.5y/o girl walked in on my father in the bathroom. Noticed he stood when he peed LOL. She started asking questions we gave answers. It was simple to me.
"I also agree that, from my own experience growing up a household where sex was a taboo subject"
My household was the exact opposite. My parents talked to me about anything and everything without hesitation.
"If they aren't afraid to talk to you about it, you will actually be able to have an idea about what is going on."
Yep. I lost my virginity at 17 with my now ex husband. Within a few weeks we had an oopsie with a condom and my parents were the first people I went to.
"It certainly won't be that way for my own child, not in this lifetime!"
Good for you for breaking the cycle!!!!!!!!!!
3-26-2009 @ 5:37PM
Joy said...I would hate it and think s/he were way to young but kids are going to do things that we can't stop and I'd want everyone protected as much as possible.
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3-26-2009 @ 6:32PM
Reina said...I had 2 drawers I kept condoms in , If they chose to have sex ..they were available...no questions asked & they felt they had privacy ...when they did.
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3-27-2009 @ 1:47AM
BrokeMom said...I really like this approach, I think I will use this in a few years...
3-26-2009 @ 6:47PM
Raea said...Oh, because I really want to be a grandma before my kid is out of highschool? Or worse yet, have to drive my child to the hospital because he/she had a potentially life-changing STD, knowing all the while that it might have been prevented had I forked over some protection?
Yeah, right. It's the ignorance of society today that causes all of these problems, not fourteen year olds having sex! If they're going to, they will, there's no stopping a teenager when they want to do something. Absolutely nothing. So why not just give in and give them freaking condoms? It's not that big a deal.
Unless of course, you know, you're too much of a scared wimp to talk to your own baby about sex.
And I guess you can figure out for yourself that I don't really give a flying frigate over whether I have a girl or a boy. I don't hold with sexism. I'm a stronger person than that.
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3-27-2009 @ 10:25AM
LS said...We had a nice discussion going here. We can do without the venom. Please, make your point without being insulting and derogatory. Nobody here has their head in the sand.
3-27-2009 @ 1:54AM
BrokeMom said...I would provide, without a doubt. I was having sex at 14. The thought of my daughter (who I had at 17) following that young is freaking me out, that's in two more years! I know it will happen though, someday. I talk with her about how difficult being a teen parent was, and pray that she actually hears me. I'm not worried about "condoning" sex because it will happen. But hopefully my daughter will feel mature enough, and have the knowledge and resources available to her, to make that decision to have sex and be safe.
I'm totally going to adopt the Drawer Concept from the comment up above.
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3-27-2009 @ 4:44AM
Anne said...Children are now really too awful...
http://www.000health.com
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3-27-2009 @ 10:41AM
LS said...I have a 5-year-old boy. At this point, he's still playing "army" with the kids at school, and that girl over there "colors good". So, for the moment, I'm in the clear. But...
I'm gathering every ounce of information that I can. Some things that I've learned:
* a young acquaintance told me that buying a gift for someone is a bigger decision than having sex with him. Some guys, she "doesn't know well enough" to exchange gifts with even though they've had sex more than once. (true story) This tells me that I need to be a very strong moral teacher to my son because there are forces out there that I can't control. Gift giving is a nice thing to do for anyone, but sex is a sacred thing to be shared only with the person that you love. And yes, it's possible to love more than one person in a lifetime.
* sex isn't the only place where we give mixed messages. We drink a beer with dinner, but say, "you can't have one". We think nothing of having them grab us a sharp knife off the counter and carry it across the kitchen, but freak out at the thought of a gun. This tells me two things: first, I must be as consistent as possible, and two, he must understand, in no uncertain terms, that there are some behaviors that are reserved for adulthood.
* people get pregnant/diseased all the time because they thought the other person had protection/was clean. This tells me that I must teach him that, in certain situations, the ONLY person that you can truly trust is himself, and it's up to him to make sure that he's ok.
* no matter how much we'd like to think it, NO birth control method, except for abstinence, is 100% effective. Condoms can break. Pills can be made less effective by other drug use (antibiotics, I think) and by physical make up (body weight, chemistry, etc.). I am living proof of it. My parents thought they were protected (thank Goodness it failed, or I would not be here to rant today!!)
And one final thing. I've already talked with my older brothers about this, both of whom have each raised little boys into adulthood. Neither is a grandparent... yet. And if they become grandparents now, it will be a joyous occasion, not one for anxiety.
Both of them told me what they told their boys: "at a certain point, your brain stops guiding your actions and your body takes over. It's an extremely strong thing, and nearly irresistible. When it happens, you'd better make SURE that you're willing to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE connected to that person, because it only takes one time."
So, will I give him condoms at age 14? I don't know. It depends upon where he is on the maturity continuum. But if/when I do make those options available, you can be sure he'll know that even condoms fail. All he has to do is look at me to realize that.
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3-27-2009 @ 12:01PM
2Joys said...Uh, did anyone read the story previous to this one? After reading that, I guess the answer would be YES!
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3-27-2009 @ 11:10PM
Pat said...I just walked in and caught my 14 yr old daughter making out with 17 yr boy next door in her bedroom with door locked. What should I do? She came home early from school and was home alone for 1-1/2 hours. She said this is the 3rd time and didn't go further than first base. House rule is no one here until parents come home. Any suggestions?
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3-31-2009 @ 10:07AM
Jo said...Pat, I have a 13 year old daughter...if this same situation had happened in my home, she would be on the strictest of restrictions and would have to gain/earn my trust back...period. Your daughter was aware of your house rules and blatently ignored them...there needs to be consequences...I would make it clear that she broke your trust, and by her own doing, now has to start from the bottom and work her way up for you to trust her again...she made the choice.
I came from strict Greek parents, but I never rebelled too badly, because the consequences were steep...they followed through with whatever the consequence was every single time...consistent...always. It made me be accountable for my actions...all the time...I had no choice.
Our society today wants us to believe that we can't put restrictions on our children...that they are in control, not us...that is baloney...it just takes lots of extra work on our part to make sure we follow through and be vigilent...constantly...it is exhausting, but in the end, so very worth it. I also would talk with her...I'm sure you already have...she was probably so flattered by the attention of an older boy, but does she realize that at their age she is a dime a dozen in his eyes?? So sad, but true...they go from one to the next.
Good luck with your daughter...she is still young...you are the parent...make an impression on her this time, so the next time she will maybe think twice...again, good luck!
3-28-2009 @ 9:43PM
ame s said...I have 2 daughters,9 and 11. My 11 year old started her period at 10, as I did. I had to explain, without being too graphic, why a woman has a period. I've talked to her about sex but have not explained the specific "mechanics" of sexual intercourse. My 9 year old understands the sperm meets eggs thing, but I haven't gone any further with her.
I'd rather give my children information and access to birth control than have them experience an unplanned pregnancy or STD or AIDS.
Teens have sex. Teens have always had sex. Giving information to our kids is not giving them permission to have sex.
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3-30-2009 @ 1:30AM
Sarah C. said...Teenagers that I grew up with didn't start adult experiences under the best of circumstances - a lot of them didn't wait until mom or dad introduced them to it. A lot of them made super bad choices, sometimes out of ignorance and had suffered consequences due to them. Handing ateen condoms is like saying "You're not old enough to have a license to drive but if you get behind a wheel because you want to learn, use a seatbelt."
No child makes all good decisions, it's part of life. If the kid is going to have sex, they will find a way. We can try to help by making fair rules and staying involved in their lives. We can't protect them from life or from growing up. We can save their lives by giving them protection for the times they decide to move outside the safety of our care.
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