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Way Stricter With One Child - How Bad?
Filed under: Opinions
In this column each week, an important question is asked, and answered: "Is this 'Bad Parent Behavior'? If so, ah, How Bad?" At the park with a friend last weekend, my son asked if he can have cotton candy. "No," I say. "It's 10am." My son says, "Oh, ok," and goes over to my friend's son, where I see him gesturing in my direction: "She said No."
My friend looks at me like I've just done something impressive. "Wow," she says. "You are pretty firm." And it's true, I am. With one of my children. The one who follows rules.
If the other child was here, the one who doesn't like rules, I might think, well, how bad can some 10 am cotton candy be? It's just this once, right? And then this would be a totally different column, asking: How bad is it to feed your child bright blue, paper-like, sugar-based food at 10 am? But the point is, I realized that I'm way stricter with one child than with the other, and even to me it seems unfair. Bad, if you will. Hm... how bad?
I call Mommy Advisor Rosanne Tobey, L.P.C., director of Calm and Sense Therapy to find out, and I catch her at the playground. "Way stricter with one child? That doesn't sound good!" she's talking over the roar of kids on the slide. "Can I call you back?"
"Here's the deal," says Tobey, calling me later from her quiet office. "I'm assuming you're tougher on the first one?" Yes. "That's pretty common because we are so hard on ourselves about doing everything perfectly with Child Number One, so of course we're going to lighten up with the second." And that's a good thing, Tobey says. I mean how could we keep up this intensity, right?
"But," Tobey continues, "For the big issues, it's important to have strong clear rules that are in effect with all your children. The rules ones that represent your values as a family, need to be non-negotiable for everyone." As an example? Backtalk. If you take it from one child, it won't be long before you're taking it from all of them.
The other risks with being rules-lax with one child, Tobey says, are:
1. Sooner or later the child you're strict with will understand they're being held to different standards, and will resent you.
2. If you're always changing the rules, there's no sense of safety and continuity in your household.
3. The worst one: "A child who is not taught to follow rules grows up without a sense of personal responsibility," which Tobey warns can lead to a teenager who is self-entitled and rebellious. Uh-oh.
Her suggestions:
Let the kids help make the rules. They'll be more likely to follow them, and your home will feel like less of a dictatorship and more of a cooperative.
Keep the big rules consistent. Meaning everyone follows these. Try, though it's hard, to be even-handed regarding consequences.
Be flexible. Wait -- huh? Tobey says it's okay to loosen up, with any of the kids, once in a while. Cotton candy at 11 am won't hurt anyone, once in a blue moon. And just because you say yes once does not mean you always have to say yes; just be clear that you're making a special exception. Being less rigid means you'll be teaching your children what it means to be compromising and fair.
Finally, Tobey reminds me, "Parenting is a process, not an event. The result is a cumulative effect of our efforts. If you find you've been being uneven with your kids, don't beat yourself up over it, just being aware of it helps you make changes and helps you grow as a parent." Ah, thank you!
So, answer the question: How bad? "This could be a 5 or even a 7 if you're not enforcing rules at all with one of the kids. If you show your children how to follow rules now, you'll get a child who understands why rules are important on an internal level, which will avoid that sense of entitlement later."
If you've committed a parenting crime and you want to know, How Bad? Send it to PrincessLvsPink@Gmail.com and you might find out.
Sabrina Weill is editor-in-chief of PrincessLovesPink.com
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
4-02-2009 @ 10:38AM
Karen said...Well her advice didn't address the differences between kids.
I think you have to make the decision that is best for the individual child, not what is easiest for the parent. That doesn't mean the rules are the same for all children.
All siblings feel that parents treat children differently, but they don't have to be very old before they understand that fair doesn't mean that each child is the same - but that the decision you make is in the best interest of the child. They want to know that THEY are being treated fairly in the big picture. And if you start out explaining your decisions in that context, they learn it early and end up resenting siblings less.
Rarely is a rule a rule in my house - BECAUSE I SAID SO, but my decision is followed up with an explanation.
My children have different needs and I have no problem catering my decisions to what those needs are.
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4-02-2009 @ 11:47AM
SKL said...You wouldn't demand that each kid learn the alphabet or to pedal a tricicle at exactly the same age. Obedience to rules is a skill that is developed partly based on each child's aptitude for that particular skill.
My girls are only 3 months apart in age, but their behavior is starkly different. Neither is a "holy terror," but one of them is inclined to follow rules and obey commands nearly all the time, while the other is inclined to bend/"forget" rules and ignore the first few iterations of a command. Both girls get consequences when they seriously misbehave, but on minor points, I am more likely to correct my more obedient child, because it will be a learning opportunity rather than a waste of breath. I also respond differently to each for the same offense. If my older child ignores me, I call her on it but remain calm and polite, because she is sensitive. If my younger ignores me, I keep saying her name ever louder (and with more irritation) until she can't ignore it any more. She has a hard head and needs me to take a tough stand.
In other areas, I expect more of my younger daughter. It just depends on each girl's skill set. It's not like I chase one kid with a stick all day while allowing the other to languish in a corner. Little sis may be sloppy and stubborn, but she is great at sitting still for a story or staying on task to complete a puzzle, compared to big sis.
I only have a handful of "absolute rules" which are fairly easy to police for both girls. The catch-all "listen to Mama" rule is absolute but flexible at the same time.
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4-02-2009 @ 1:31PM
CLM said...The differences between how my brother and I were treated by my mother were so stark, that family members joked about it. I could be in a different county, and if something happened to my brother it was somehow my fault. He was an ungodly terror for most of his childhood and was allowed to do almost anything. I, on the other hand, had little to no freedom. It caused huge problems, not only with my parents, but between my brother and I.
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4-02-2009 @ 1:27PM
LS said...Using the "treat all children equally" is a bomb that will blow up in your face.
I have seen families where the children were raised with that rule... "equal" treatment, as opposed to "fair" treatment.
What did that mean? It meant, when one child picked on the other, and the victim defended himself, both were punished. Lesson learned: hit fast and hard and pre-emptively, because you might as well get in trouble for *something*.
There were plenty of other situations like that one, too. Now the two children are grown, and that nuclear family is a mess. One child ended up distancing his family - in miles and emotions - from his parents. The other child became involved in substance abuse and is having problems to this day.
I can't help but wonder what would have happened if those parents had treated their kids "fairly" - according to their temperaments and abilities - rather than "equally"
Reply
4-02-2009 @ 2:03PM
maria said...I'm probably guilty of that - #1 son is far easier than #2 - #2 just requires a great deal more attention. #1 son and I have a lot of conversations about different people have different needs and I'm going to be his mom for the rest of my life - and there will be a period when he needs more attention. I know it's not fair that I sit w/#2 son to do his homework - #1 son can do his quite well on his own - #2 can't - he just can't. So - we have conversations that fair isn't equal - but it's tough. #2 son has a serious health condition - that's not fair but I don't want to highlight too much either -
I have seen parents who treat children markedly differently and I just didn't get it. Especially the - you get this because you're a boy and you don't need it because you're a girl (i.e. college)
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