Hugging Banned at Connecticut Middle School

by Amy Hatch (Subscribe to Amy Hatch's posts) Apr 3rd 2009 2:00PM

Categories: Teens & tweens, Education, Extreme Childhood

A playground incident between two students prompted the East Shore Middle School in Milford, CT, to ban all touching on school grounds, including hugging.

Principal Catherine Williams sent a letter home to parents stating that any touching at school, including "hugging" and "horseplay," could result in disciplinary action ranging from parent conferences to suspension or even expulsion. The extreme and "overly broad" response came after a kick to the groin sent a boy to the emergency room in March. Some parents approve of the ban, but others say kids shouldn't be prevented from enjoying high-fives and handshakes with their pals.

Lenore Skenazy, whose "New York Sun" column about letting her 9-year-old son ride the New York City subway alone caused an uproar among parents last year, says that East Shore's response to the problem of schoolyard violence is a just another case of over-reacting to an isolated incident.

"It's as if your town reacted to a stabbing by saying that going outside was outlawed, instead of outlawing knives," says Skenazy. "It is this huge over-reaction to an unusual event. It is the same thing as this rash of fear over abductions, just because we hear about one abduction in Florida."

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Skenazy is the author of Free Range Kids, a blog about the modern parent's drive to wrap their kids in cotton. The site was born after she was roundly criticized as the "worst mother in the world" for allowing her son a freedom she herself had as a child -- to find his own way home from school. She wrote about the school's no-touching policy and says she received a slew of responses, many of which detailed equally ridiculous school policies.

"I had one guy tell me that fourth-graders at his school can't play football anymore, because one kid tripped and broke his arm," Skenazy says. "The thing is, he wasn't even playing football when he broke his arm. He was doing a victory dance after he scored a touchdown, when he tripped over a tree root and fell. And therefore, the school outlawed football."

While it's easy to see the administrators' viewpoint -- this is, after all, a litigious society -- it is also an integral part of a culture that pats itself on the back for over-reacting to "one in a million incidents," she adds.

Siobhan Connally is a mother of two from Kinderhook, N.Y., who says zero-tolerance policies may be expedient, but they are essentially ineffective. Her daughter, Annabel, will enter kindergarten in the fall, and Connally fears that rules like these will undermine her child's self-confidence.

"School is going to be a very scary place for me when my daughter attends next year, but not because I fear for her safety. I fear for her confidence and her ability to solve problems without sweeping them under a carpet, something I think these blanket bans do," Connally says. "We don't want bad touch, so no touching at all is just throwing the baby out with the bath water. What next, we don't want bad thoughts, so no thinking?"

Connally adds that we don't do our kids any favors when we fail to teach them how to "hash out" run-of-the-mill conflicts. "I think the effect in the long term has been and will continue to be reinforcing the sense of fear and hopelessness, and will keep people from actually learning how to tell the difference between real and perceived danger."

Skenazy agrees, and says that fear-mongering and the "assumption that everything is bad" can only lead to a generation of kids who are afraid of their own shadows. "That is just so upsetting," she says.

I couldn't agree more -- and I'd like to see what those teachers and administrators look like after six months of enforcing this silly policy. Have you ever seen a group of middle-school girls before? They are genetically pre-programmed to hug each other. I think it is going to be a very, very long semester at East Shore Middle School.

Do blanket bans like these solve problems, or are they just a way for schools to avoid tackling the real issues?

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Comments (105)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 6)

Karen 4-03-2009 @ 3:19PM

This is key right here: [QUOTE] who says zero-tolerance policies may be expedient, but they are essentially ineffective

The only blanket policy that applies to human beings is that there should be no blanket policies.

This is even more critical when dealing with children.

dstbny3 4-06-2009 @ 3:10PM

I agree wholeheartedly with you, Karen. No two kids or incidents are exactly alike, so why have blanket policies to cover them? Also, what is this teaching our kids - that empathy and caring are left at the door as soon as we enter the school? Why not deal with the assault instead of punishing every student?

LS 4-03-2009 @ 2:24PM

"No touch", huh? What are these administrators going to do when some kid trips over his overly-long jeans, falls down the stairs and the other kids just stand around or walk away because they cant' touch him to help him get up?

Or maybe they'll just laugh at him, because apparently, it's not ok to offer a hug in comfort, but it IS ok to bully... because they know the kid won't fight back.

Honestly, when did people get so fearful? What has HAPPENED to our country? These policies are moronic and seriously lack common sense.

(let's not even discuss the judges, who should laugh in the face of the majority of parents who bring these stupid cases before their benches. It would certainly make room for the logical ones)

mcurtis2962 4-07-2009 @ 5:35AM

I fully agree. All parents can do now is home school thier children so they can grow up to be caring, loving people not afraid to be kind.

Cat 4-07-2009 @ 7:06AM

My highschool had a 'no touch' policy (96-99). So when I fell down the stairs (I was tripped by the more 'popular' people), on my back and cracked my head, not even a teacher who saw it happen, walking right there with me, could touch me. Needless to say, I raised a coniption fit. I told my prinicipal that it was totally stupid that the teacher couldn't touch me (She would have gotten fired) to try and help me up or to see if I was alright. I called the stupid prinical a big fat loudmouth who obviously had no common sense. Needless to say, it became 'OK' to touch and help someone up.

JF 4-06-2009 @ 7:33PM

LS, I have to agree with you on the helping another student. Do they just leave them laying there? Bullying can be done without any need to touch another. It's called verbal abuse. You can tear another student down with cruel words faster than punching them.

Instead of worrying about banning all touch, lets teach kids how to accept responsibility for their actions. Kids are too quick to blame everyone else for their problems instead of learning how to resolve problems. There are so many social skills lacking in not just our schools, but at home too. Last time I checked school was about a relationship between teachers and parents. Both working to give children the best skills to be successful in life. These bans are going to cause cold people that have no idea how to relate to another person. I fear for the future of our schools and what my children are going to have to go through. My son has been dealing with touch issues and it's stressful. To him it's playing, but to the school it's "bad touching." I'm going to keep my fingers crossed that we as a society will realize the road we're going down and make the needed U-turn to get heading back in the right direction.

hall monitor 4-08-2009 @ 8:41PM

If we are teaching them that hugs are wrong, then what are they to think is right?

LS 4-09-2009 @ 8:41AM

to hall monitor: sex.

Look at the curriculum, combined with the rules. "Let's hand out condoms, but ban hugging."

That tells me that sex is ok, as long as you don't hug or high-five your partner. I'm thinking of the "wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am" variety here.

let the flaming begin...

Felicia - I Complete Me 4-03-2009 @ 2:28PM

This is ridiculous. My nephew got in trouble at his school because he hugged another student. My sister was so hurt that he would get in trouble for hugging. So now we aren't allowed to show affection to our kids through hugs in fear that they will go to school and hug and someone will take it the wrong way. What is wrong with the world?

Erin M. 4-06-2009 @ 7:44PM

I agree completely! I actually went to a private Catholic school as a kid, and touching was banned there too (very ironic considering all the controversy in the Catholic church these days, no?!). No one could hug or anything, even if it was innocent... I found it a bit much too, but I wonder if anyone would really stand up to question it, you know?

Erin
http://www.thenakedhippie.com
Organic T-shirts

cindy 4-06-2009 @ 4:26PM

One thing that is wrong with this world is that families accept these kinds of things and to enforce them in their own homes rather than to stand up to the supposed authority of the school system. I know it is difficult and I am not trying to be mean to you but I would like you to think about what you are doing. School systems work for us. We pay them to do so. If they are not providing our children with the proper training and are handling things like this in such a backward way then it really may be our own fault. Are they afraid to enforce reasonable rules? Do they have the support of parents? Are parents active in making policies? When the school makes a mistake then we as parents need to be there to tell them they have made one and be willing to help them find a better solution. Just saying.

Viola 4-11-2009 @ 6:49PM

I got a call from my daughters school saying I needed to come down, she was demonstrating some "disturbing and abnomal" behavior. Naturally I was concerned and asked if she was acting out. They told me no, they were equipped to handled that. She was hugging her teachers. This is what they deemed disturbing and abnormal. They said it showed signs that there was problems at home. I asked if it had ever occured to them that she recieves so much affection that she would feel comfortable expressing it, and they said no honestly that had never occured to them.
I had to explain to my 5 year old during her first week of kindergarten that it isn't ok to hug your teachers. How sad is that?

Steve 4-06-2009 @ 6:58PM

Pending ability to log in

Karen 4-03-2009 @ 2:51PM

I'm sure the school already has rules against violence, so they don't need this no-touching rule. To quote from the letter, "Observed behaviors of concern recently exhibited include kicking others in the groin area, grabbing and touching of others in personal areas, hugging and horseplay." What element doesn't fit? The voluntary and loving activity of hugging.

Middle school is undeniably horrible. But despite the rules against violence and sexual harassment, no boy ever got in trouble for snapping my bra or lifting my skirt; I was forced to mete out my own punishment. There would have been considerably less violence in my school if kids had been punished for misbehavior. At least my own little blackboard jungle didn't ban hugging, for god's sake. That is ridiculous.

jessica 4-06-2009 @ 3:49PM

I hear ya. They question ME when I complained that a boy kept grabbing me inappropriately. I even had witnesses yet they refused to acknowledge. Junior High was a horrible experience for me with all the bullying and harassment. The schools need to work on enforcing the policies they already have rather than making ridiculous new ones.

Mike 4-06-2009 @ 4:19PM

Karen....I must confess. I was as guilty of snapping bras and lifting skirts as the next guy....maybe even worse. And the young ladies were always very capable of giving me a "whack" when I snapped their bras or lifted their skirts. Granted, if the young lady had invited me to help her with her bra.....I would have died right there on the spot.

jen 4-03-2009 @ 3:37PM

I agree with the thought that these "blanket" policies such as "zero tolerance" and now "no touching" (!!!) are ridiculous. It is just the schools' way of giving up and being very lazy/lax in performing their duties to help teach our children the proper rules of life. If we must, by law, send our kids to school for 7-8 hours a day, then they must be required to teach some basic social skills during this time-frame; such as the approriate time to physically defend yourself, when it is appropriate to hug/high-five, etc. This is just another example of the schools' abdicating their basic responsibilities to our children.

P.S. A hug, high-five, and other physical "contact" is, I believe, a basic human need - both a need to receive and a need to give. To outlaw such, seems the beginning down the path of "roboticising" us as humans!!

drew 4-04-2009 @ 2:45PM

As a teacher in a high school ,I find your comments to be distressing. Teachers are not resposible"for teaching the proper rules of life"and "basic social skills". That is the responsibility of YOU ,the parent. Our job is to educate your children in the basic educational subjects(English,Social Studies,etc..). Your children are only with us about 7 hours a day but they are with YOU the other 17 hours. How about the parents stepping up to the plate and becoming real parents?
You would not believe some of the behaviors that I have seen at my school on the part of both boys and gitls(Boys touch girls inappropiately and the girls, a lot of the time ,do not seem to care).
Put the responsibility where it belongs,at home!!

jen 4-05-2009 @ 7:23AM

Drew - NOTHING I said indicated that I think you should teach my child INSTEAD of me. However, most students are awake approx 14-16 hrs/day, and well over half of that is spent in school related activities with (supposedly) well-mannered, well-socialized adults. We ALL have a responsibility to demonstrate and explain proper social skills to the children under our care.

It is SO typical of a teacher just to hold his/her hands up and say "not MY responsibility - it's the parents". Well, when you madatorily have our children for the majority of their waking hours, it IS your responsibility to do all you can to help them learn how to be socially appropriate individuals. That includes helping them learn the proper time for self-defense, Hugs, high-fives, etc.

I know you probably have seen some really bad behaviors, but if you take your title as "Teacher" seriously, they you should at a minimum try to explain to the children what is right and what is wrong about their behavior. Just blowing them off and complaining about "bad parenting" is the lazy, slacker thing to do - which seems to be the way schools (and teachers, apparently) are headed these days.

Mihir 4-03-2009 @ 4:04PM

i agree with this ban. what about the poor child that no one hugs because he/she is preceived as gross or funny looking? in order to help that kid's self-esteem, it would be better if he/she saw others not getting hugs from their friends. this way, the outcast child will see not hugging as normal behavior and possibly feel like less of an outcast.

won't somebody PLEASE think of the children?!

/sarcasm