Consensual Living - When Kids and Parents are Equals

by Sandy Maple (Subscribe to Sandy Maple's posts) Apr 6th 2009 2:00PM

Categories: Toddlers, Preschoolers, Kids 5-7

We've all seen parents who seem to have a hard time standing up to their kids. Whether it be getting them to clean up their rooms or eat all their vegetables, these parents almost always give in at the first sign of resistance. You might call a parent like this lazy, but maybe there is more to it than that. Perhaps they are proponents of a new parenting movement called consensual living.

Founded in 2006 by some North Carolina families, consensual living is an alternative parenting model in which kids are equal partners in family life. In these non-hierarchical families, it is all about understanding each other's feelings and finding mutually agreeable solutions where everyone's wants and needs are addressed. In a consensual family, the smallest child's desires are equal to those of the parents and, unless it involves safety, nobody makes anybody do anything they don't want to.

If little Bobby hits another child on the playground, dad might talk to him about how hitting is wrong and offer him other ways to express his anger, but he won't make him apologize. If 2-year-old Susie doesn't want to tag along with mom to her doctor's appointment, mom might cancel her appointment.

According to the Consensual Living Website, punishments and rewards are considered "tools of manipulation" and unnecessary when the whole family is working together toward a common goal. "When parents put themselves in the role as authorities, they may believe they are doing it 'for the child's good,' " says one of the movement's co-founders, Anna Brown, "but they could be missing an opportunity to have more connected relationships with their children."

But wait a minute here. Is consensual living about what is best for the children or is it really about the parents? In reading about it, I picked up on a common theme that seems to run through the comments of parents who are raising their children this way. They, the parents, are all much happier now that they have given up setting boundaries and disciplining their children. Well, of course they are! They've eliminated the most difficult part of their jobs.

Fully expecting her to think it was the best thing ever, I asked my 8-year-old what she thought about this alternative parenting model. She said she felt like those kids would grow up to be bullies and probably get in trouble a lot. I believe she is right.

I can see the attraction from a parent's point of view, but just how does this benefit their children? What happens when these kids are teenagers and start really pushing the limits? And are these parents not setting them up for a rude awakening in the real world where it isn't all about them and nobody cares if they are happy all the time?

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Comments (21)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)

Sandyone 4-06-2009 @ 3:02PM

Your questions actually don't have very good answers...this type of living is supposed to eliminate the need for that 'mandatory rebellion' and it's really not all about life revolving around the kids. The kids also learn by example that other people count, too.

I have seen this type of parenting and it's not nearly as bad as you think. It's really rough in the beginning, when the kids can't help but be self-centered. As they grow, they learn how to do the give and take that's required of family living.

My major 'beef' with it is that I don't think it's necessary (or doable in my large family), so I wouldn't want to put in the extra effort if I can get a great relationship with my kids while still maintaining my authority and sanity.

There's plenty to learn from this type of attitude, though. Our current popular child-rearing techniques don't seem to be doing much for parents, children, or society as a whole.

Joe 5-16-2009 @ 9:10PM

yes the current way parents try to talk everything over with the children and not demand obedience is not resulting in them becoming respectable adults. We should return to using the "rod" as in the old saying "spare the rod spoil the child". Prior generations of responsible parents had it right. My parents used it very little because we knew we would get it if we did not do the right thing. By the way, I do not hate my parents. I respected them.

Ms.Monica 4-06-2009 @ 3:53PM

It sounds like its a get out of jail free card for parenting. Instead of dealing with difficult situations of how to stop little Bobby from hitting or bitting and how to be forgiving or how to ask for forgiveness they take the easy way out. There are only a few children in a bunch that will actually get the point from a sit down talk about why hitting is wrong and understand that an apology is in order. The rest need to be taught how to be good decent people. Essentially, this type of parenting only leads to the children ultimately running the household. When the kids are young the parents might think that they have a consensual household but like what was said when they become teenagers and the more serious issues arise it will turn into a house that will be run by the teenager. Where are you going Johnny? Out to with my friends. When are you going to be back? When I get back. Can we just imagine all the things Bobby is doing while he gone for the next two days. Sex, drugs, crime. And then what happens when 2 year old Suzie becomes 10 and doesn't want to go to school? What then? Children need discipline and authority. If they don't learn now how to respect authority what happens when they are on their own?

Sandyone 4-07-2009 @ 11:37AM

I'll just answer one 'for instance' and I hope I do CP justice in doing so.

If Suzie is 10 and doesn't want to go to school, there must be a reason. Let's explore the reasons, figure out possible courses of action and then choose the one that seems best.

This kind of parenting is extremely difficult *when done correctly*. It is definitely not about doing what's easiest, though sometimes it can be easier. It's like investing...we tighten the belt today so that we can live more comfortably tomorrow.

There are myriad parenting styles. This one has benefits and drawbacks. There is a whole spectrum on CP, and the personalities of the parents and children (and any care-givers, though I suspect there aren't too many CP parents who use other care-givers) will direct where the family lands on it.

Before I had kids, I told a friend, "I want to be the strictest mommy on the block." She was horrified, but I thought that's what was necessary to raise good kids. I am now most definitely not the strictest mommy on the block, but I have six pretty awesome kids and I believe that my parenting style has at least a little bit to do with that. (Though I suspect some CP parents might consider me to be a jail warden...it's all about perspective)

I haven't come across a single parenting philosophy that is perfect and results in excellent results every single time. The ones that treat children with dignity as human beings just seem to make sense to me. I'm a firm believer in Original Sin, though...that sometimes makes things tricky!

Karen 4-06-2009 @ 4:03PM

Sandyone, I think you are picking up on the elements of respect. This seems like it has parents respecting their children's feelings, etc.

But children live with parents because they are NOT on equal footing with adults. They have not learned and do not have the experience to make the same level decisions. Yes, they do gain more equality as they age, but IMO this parenting style is just dumb.

Actually though, I did pull this for a week and my children hated it. They had essentially a child led week where unless it was critical, I let them make their own decisions and take responsibility for every decision they made - all without guidance. At the end of the week they wanted their Mom, my rules, their structure BACK. Actually, the complaints came earlier than that.

And how is this equal...the kid doesn't want to go to the doctor so the mom cancels? How does that work out for her? Not to mention, I think this falls into the dangerous category.

IrishGal 4-08-2009 @ 12:00PM

It's obvious Sandy did absolutely NO research, talk to consensual living families, or do anything besides regurgitate someone else's article, then give an ill-thought-out opinion. I know it's just a blog, but come on, people.

People who live consensually don't just let their children make decisions without guidance -- why wouldn't we guide them? It would be impossible to sum up a lifetime of living this way in a blog comment; I'll just say I know many, many families who live by these principles. Their kids are thoughtful, compassionate, fair, and responsible. Teens raised this way are in no way bullies, and they rarely get in trouble. They have no need to "push limits" because they have been listened to - truly listened to - their whole lives. AND they know it's a two-way street (at least!); we ask for their input when our needs clash with their own; we don't just automatically assume the adults will "get their way", we look for mutual solutions.

As for eliminating the most difficult part of my job? I had to just laugh at that comment. Nothing has been more growth-inducing than choosing to live this way. I would have it *easier* if I only made limits, then enforced them. We are forced to be creative and empathetic, taking each person's needs into account. It is a difficult way to live, at first, if you're not used to living this way. It takes a great deal of thought and letting go of old beliefs. But I would not trade our lives for anything. It is a beautiful, beautiful life we've created. My oldest is 16, and is so far away from they typical teenager, I'm amazed. So are the adults I know (22, 24, 25) who've been raised this way.

Do a little research, will ya? Don't just judge.

LS 4-07-2009 @ 9:03AM

IrishGal... If you're still checking back here, I have an honest question:

Your kids are all in their teens or early adulthood, and this method has worked for you. But when did you start it? I can see how it could definitely work, with dedicated parents, starting around the middle-school years (fifth grade or so, maybe a little earlier). But what about with younger kids? Mine is 5. I can't IMAGINE not having boundaries for him - a solid bedtime, regular routines, solid consequences for poor behavior (like the aforementioned apologizing for hitting).

Please understand, I'm not asking this to be argumentative - I'm asking to understand better. I'm always looking for better ways to handle things, and I'm always open to new ideas, even if they seem "weird".

IrishGal 4-08-2009 @ 12:24PM

@ LS -

I started down this path when my oldest was 8, and my youngest was 2. It took some time to become a fully consensual family - the last thing I let go of was the need to control their food. I didn't just start saying "yes" to everything - that would have created ungroundedness and confusion. But I noticed the more I let go of, the more peaceful our family was, and the closer we all were. So it was a process. Trusting my children from a young age set the stage for greater trust down the road. Like I said, they listen to my suggestions and take them to heart, because they know I'm offering information I think will help them, I'm not trying to manipulate their behavior.

People always think if they let their young children do what they want, it will result in wildly out-of-control kids. And, actually, at first, they might choose to watch hours of TV or eat lots of junk to test whether you're really going to let them do this. But that calms down after awhile, IF the parents are right there, with them, totally accepting of the choices they make. Most kids raised this way make choices that help them feel good... on the food issue, my kids notice how they feel when they eat something. They judge for themselves if they felt better or worse after eating it.

Like I said, it's really, really difficult to get everything across in one post.

It's not that there are no consequences - certainly, I'd tell my son, "Hitting hurts!" and take him away from the situation, and try to find what the trigger for his behavior was. If he's prone to hitting, it means I'd remain by his side in interactions with others. But forcing an apology? It's just plain not genuine, not honest in the moment. Later, he might apologize on his own. But what does forcing it do? It makes him lie, first of all, if he's NOT sorry.

Living this way doesn't mean no routines! Lots of kids prefer routine, prefer to know what comes next in their day. It's about knowing your kids - very well.

You might want to read "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn - he can say much better than I the reasons for not punishing or forcing "consequences".
http://www.alfiekohn.org/up/index.html

LS 4-06-2009 @ 4:16PM

This seems like another 'easy-way-out' solution with some good ideas woven through it.

The linked article starts by talking about a 4-year old who wore a halloween costume for several months. Well, honestly, if it's not hurting anyone, what's the big deal? Especially since she "consented" to having the costume washed periodically.

But further on in the article, two parents discussed not 'forcing' their 3-year old to apologize for hitting. Well, I'm sorry, this is where I draw the line. How is a child going to learn when it's appropriate to apologize and how to give the "authentic" apology that the parents desire, if he isn't taught how to do it? If he doesn't practice it regularly? I get that they want an authentic apology, but it's a rare three-year-old who can do that, who even *understands*, really, what an apology is. And the bit about asking if something "is going to work for him"? No, no.... it is not abuse or coercion, or anything else negative, to tell your child "this is what's going to happen". Kids LOOK for those boundaries and guidelines in their lives.

I think this, like any other parenting issue, has it's pros and cons. Just like spanking, it can definitely go way too far, and be detrimental to the child.

There is nothing wrong with letting your kids take part in household decisions - recently, I started involving my 5 year old in meal planning. We put all of our favorite meals on little slips of paper, and draw them out of a little bucket, writing them down on a blank calendar as we go. It provides an excellent tool for him to learn that food doesn't just appear, and it solves the problem of "I don't want THAT for dinner". He's also learning how to do his own laundry. But he still has my supervision every step of the way, he is still expected to apologize when he messes up - just like I apologize to him if I screw up.

And his bedtime is a firm 7:30. That's for MY sanity.

SKL 4-06-2009 @ 4:29PM

It's unhealthy to allow a young child to believe her parents aren't the absolute authorities over her life. Clear limits are a key source of security for young children. Besides, kids have to have a strong foundation from which to make decisions once they are ready to do so.

What I do like about this idea: teaching kids from a very early age that they need to consider the feelings and needs of their elders. This is where we fail miserably in modern times. We have no shortage of parents who drop everything to cater to their children's every whim, make excuses based on their emotional development, etc. It's all one way, except for the occasional assvice suggesting we tell our child "your misbehavior hurt my feelings" when that isn't even true. Kids are capable of a lot more than we give them credit for. Let's set up some expectations.

Jill 4-08-2009 @ 8:25PM

I was raised to respect my elders and do whatever they told me to do without question. I was also sexually molested by my grandmother's husband, who said that if I told anyone about what he had done, I would be the one to get into trouble. That was over forty years ago, and I never told anyone. I have given my children the freedom to make most of their choices in life. I never made them somebody a hug or kiss when they were small and obviously didn't want to. I would also not make them apologize if they were not sincere. Now that they are teens and young adults we have an extremely close relationship. They are all loving, caring, smart individuals who know they can come to me and talk about ANYTHING. How bad is that?

Alex in OC 4-06-2009 @ 10:25PM

We live a life that is just shy of what is described. There's a big difference between having a unusually high commitment to finding a win/win situation with your kid and being too lazy to say no. My kid knows that if I ask her if she will do something, it's a request, not an order. If I NEED something to happen, I tell her gently that I need something to change and either give her options on how to help make that happen, or ask her how she can help. No isn't an option. Consentual means OK for EVERYONE--parents included. I used to be a teacher, and I thought parents I saw in stores etc who gave in, sucked. But now I care more about not being unnecessarily difficult than what other people think.

Regarding saying sorry even when you don't mean it, I think we are a lot better off focussing on compassion than manners. I have had a number of adults tell me I was horribly rude for being respectfully but visably upset about something. Dwelling on a couple magic words, and getting furious when they refuse to surface, obscures the primary issue of resolving the original conflict. I have never appreciated having someone say sorry to me when they obviously did not mean it. I would much rather they got over it and did something kind later--or apologized later. Mind you, I'm one of the 3 people I know who still write thank you notes. I feel confident that modeling good behavior will work in the long run, and the best time to work on those skills is after an upset kid has cooled off.

Sharon 4-06-2009 @ 10:33PM

Just a question to throw out there....If anyone has an answer, I really am curious and want to know: How do kids who are raised in consensual families deal with the pressures of schools? In typical school settings, the teacher is the authority figure, and I wonder how kids respond to this if they are unaccustomed to this type of relationship at home.

Serena 4-18-2009 @ 9:25AM

Oh so it has a name -- consensual living!

I'm a 50-year-old grandma and I nanny for a family that uses these principles with their 3-year-old. It's horrible. It is not a "non-hierarchical" household, rather it is a household ruled by the immature demands and impulses of a 3-year-old tyrant.

Parents have life experience and tremendous responsibility, both of which confer authority to them. This does not have to result in poor communication, rebellion, lack of connection, etc... can't Ms. Brown support her theories without resorting to blatant strawman arguments?

Anne 4-07-2009 @ 2:44AM

We all agree in theory equal, but in real life or can not do.

http://www.000health.com

Tammy 4-07-2009 @ 9:03AM

Ten Commandment Number 5: "Honor your father and your mother", God made it plain, simple and to the point for us as parents and to our kids. As Christians that's all my husband and I have to remember when dealing with our 3 sons, and as Christians themselves our boys understand this.

rebecca Biernesser 4-07-2009 @ 12:17PM

Are you freaking kidding me? Since when is does a 3 year old get to tell the adult "I don't wanna do blah blah blah"? When does a teen for that matter get to set their own rules?

I'm sorry AS A PARENT that is your job. Not the child's, tween, or teens job. You can't be afraid to do the dirty work that comes with Parenting and it seems that a lot of people now a days are scared or they are worried about their Feelings.

I was told that i was voted "meanest mom in the neighborhood". I love that title b/c it means I'm doing something right. My oldest is currently grounded to his room with all toys removed, tv taken out, and no books. He is allowed to come home from school, do homework at the table and then sit on his bed till dinner time, unless he has chores to do. Why you ask? B/c he thought it would be funny to pull kids around by their shirt collars and stick his shoe in people's noses at school. He was also fighting...so after two attempts to correct it with him not listening....by god he is listening now. His feelings? Personally I don't care. He knew what he was doing was wrong, but since he CHOSE to do it, then he CHOSE the punishment that goes with it.

Parents...grow up and teach your children to be upstanding adults. You are the boss in their job. and if you can't teach them that...how do you think they will handle it when they go to school and the teacher is the boss or when they grow up and have a job and have to deal with a boss?

EarlyChildhoodEducator 4-08-2009 @ 11:41PM

"It's unhealthy to allow a young child to believe her parents aren't the absolute authorities over her life."

SKL, I must disagree. Children learn how to make decisions later in life by being given choices appropriate for their ages. As they mature, they can be allowed more latitude in choices.

For example, a two-year-old can decide what she wants to wear among choices offered by her parent/caregiver (who will offer clothing appropriate for the weather/season/occasion). As children age, parameters can be set and children can make decisions within those parameters. (The adult can say to a five-year-old "You must wear a collared shirt to this event," but he gets to choose which one.)

Responsibility comes alongside choices. If a young child chooses to play with a puzzle, s/he must put it away when play is finished.

As far as making an apology, there are three steps required: (1) recognizing that one has erred, (2) apologizing to the person wronged, and (3) not repeating (or trying not to) make the same error again. Young children are not capable of #1 or #3, so forcing #2 only teaches them that the word "sorry" gets them out of trouble without context.

Serena 4-22-2009 @ 8:05PM

QUOTE: "forcing #2 only teaches them that the word "sorry" gets them out of trouble without context"

Only if you're a crappy teacher. Since when does insisting on an apology automatically mean that there are no further consequences and the child gets a get out of jail free card?

Feelings follow actions, not the other way around. You wait for a child to feel the sophisticated, mature sentiment of remorse before calling for an apology, you'll be waiting until hell freezes over.

SKL 4-22-2009 @ 11:02PM

Being the absolute authority does not mean you don't give a child choices. It means the parent decides what the range of choices is (or approves / disapproves the child's suggestions), and sets a line beyond which the child may not go. It means "no" = "no."

I was specifically talking about "young children" meaning tots and preschoolers. They need to know their parent will keep them from falling off a cliff, literally and figuratively. Otherwise they act out or hold back in unhealthy ways, and fail to mature on a normal timeline.

I also don't agree that a young child can't understand when they've done wrong or modify their behavior. I further don't agree that manners are unimportant, because they affect the feelings of those we interact with. I tell my girls the old saying: politeness is to do and say the kindest thing in the kindest way. It's not about mechanically saying "sorry" without meaning it. It's about thinking about what the other person would take kindly. My kids are 2 and they can certainly understand these discussions. They may still act on impulse at times, but they are improving.

It helps to have a sibling. When one of my girls complains to me about something they want a sibling to do or not do, I tell them to ask the sibling. They must then pursue the matter in a diplomatic manner if they want results. They nearly always find a peaceful solution. But when they end up warring, I am still the final authority.

I don't know how some people read my comments to mean I would force my child to hug or kiss someone outside her comfort level. I certainly never have done this and can't imagine doing it. If this is the way some people understand "parental authority," then it's no wonder they are looking for unconventional alternatives.

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