Dating With Kids - A Dad's Point of View

by Sandy Maple (Subscribe to Sandy Maple's posts) Apr 8th 2009 2:00PM

Dating is hard enough when you're a parent -- what about introducing your date to the kids? Or having sex???

It is human nature to desire a partner in life. Almost all of us want someone with whom to share our existence -- to soar with on the ups and lean on during the downs. That strong urge to pair up is what makes the misery of dating worthwhile. If we are lucky, one of those awkward evenings spent getting to know a stranger will lead to a lifetime of companionship and, for many of us, a brand new family.

But when you consider the fact that the divorce rate in the United States is somewhere around 50%, it is clear that many of us get it wrong the first time around. And all those divorces lead to a situation that can be even more awkward than dating: Dating with kids.

It isn't just moms trying to navigate the tricky waters of single parent dating -- dads do it, too. And while plenty of single mothers will simply forgo their own wants and needs in the name of good parenting, Bruce Sallan at Mom Logic thinks that is a mistake:

Many moms choose to be the martyr, denying their kids the possibility of a good male role model in the home and subjugating their own needs. I don't think a parade of dates is cool, but neither is delaying the rest of your life.

A single dad with full custody of his children, Sallan believes that not only should single parents get on with their social lives, they should be up front about it with their kids. But telling your kids you have a date and actually introducing your new "friend" to them are two very different things. How do you know when it's time for a face-to-face? And what about sleepovers? Speaking from experience, these are the questions that persuade many single moms to just skip it altogether and stay home with a good book and a box of cookies.

Sallan makes it sound so easy: Rather than set an arbitrary time frame for when to introduce your date to your kids, just do it when it "feels right." As for sleepovers, he admits that is a little more tricky. He advocates waiting until you are sure the relationship is monogamous and heading toward a commitment. In the meantime, he says, feel free to "do it in the car."

While it is interesting to hear a dad's point of view on dating with kids, I think Sallan lives up to his "just a guy" moniker with that last piece of advice. Maybe single moms who don't date aren't choosing to be martyrs so much as they are trying to avoid guys who want to do it in the car!

Call me sexist, but I think single mothers have a lot more to consider when introducing new men to their children's lives than whether or not they are going to stick around for the long haul. What do you think? Is dating with kids different for moms than it is for dads?

Source

Comments (14)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

Melanie 4-08-2009 @ 3:20PM

How about some advise to the single woman who is dating the single dad? I am in a committed relationship where he just got full custody of this 3 1/2 year old. We are dealing with the challenges of her sleeping in her own bed, her not so pleasant attitude and now my lack of a relationship. My role in this relationship changed overnight and I'm really not sure what the right way to handle this situation is. Any suggestions?

Active Mom of 2 4-08-2009 @ 10:40PM

Melanie,

Take a step back and read what you wrote!!
I am a divorced Mom of two boys, and I am sorry, but this is why I don't date anyone without children. What do you mean "YOUR ROLE in this relationship changed overnight?!!!" What about your single Dad's DAUGHTER'S LIFE??? How would you like to be in her shoes, and all of a sudden have to go and live with your Father and his girlfriend?? Think about her and how scared and confussed she must be?? She is only 3 1/2 years old, and her family got torn apart, and now her life makes another major change?? "We are dealing with the challenges of her sleeping in her own bed." This has not been her own bed for the last 3 1/2 years. She can't adjust like that over night, and it isn't uncommon for children her age to have problems staying in their beds all night, under normal situations. Then there is" HER not so pleasant attitude", well I understand hers it is yours that I question.. "And now my lack of a relationship." AGAIN< what about her relationship with her MOM that she must have just lost!! and now she has a full time relationship with a Father that she is not use to living with full time, not to mention his girlfriend??? My role in this relationship changed overnight and I'm really not sure what the right way to handle this situation is. Any suggestions?
Sure, take a step back, and feel a little compassion for this little girl who just had a major LIFE CHANGE....get some professional counseling if this is a realtionship that you really want to have a future with, and plan on working on it and putting this little girl first her and her dad....
I can say more, but I think you might get what I am trying to say.
get some major help...for the little girl too..

Karen 4-08-2009 @ 5:46PM

I actually do think it is wise to delay relationship until the kids are grown - or at least mostly grown. Bringing a man into the house ups the risk to kids - either by sexual assault or other types of physical abuse. I don't have a link to the research that I've read, but the risk is surprisingly significant.

That isn't to say that everyone is that way, but as a parent, yes, I would delay my own selfish desires when it comes to protecting kids. If you are going to have kids, their safety should come first.
Once people start sleeping together, it is like their judgment goes out the window. Kids are only little a short while. If the first relationship couldn't be made to work, I wouldn't risk bringing in a second (and even more likely to fail) relationship (second marriage divorce rate higher than first) into their lives. They are other ways to have good role models of the opposite sex.

Evelyn 4-08-2009 @ 5:34PM

I am a single mom, hate that title. I am a mom with two kids and dad is around too. I want the best for my children and I don't have time nor do I want to invest in time in dating. The pool of people available is just not worth it . Where can one meet someone that is not out for just sex?

Melissa 4-08-2009 @ 7:04PM

I'm a single mom, too (and I hate the title too, Evelyn!), without the dad around, and I do date, but I don't bring anyone around to meet my daughter. I am now dating an amazing guy, who is also a parent, and I have not met his son yet. We both agree that when we feel the tim is right we will know....I have full custody of my daughter, so sleepovers at my place are highly unlikey, but he doesn't have full custody, so if we want to fool around or have sex, we do it at his place :-) And yeah, do it in the car? No, get a hotel room for the night!

ame s 4-08-2009 @ 8:26PM

I was widowed at the age of 35, my daughters were 3 and 5, so technically I wasn't a single mom, I don't suppose, but I was no longer married. The term "single mom" makes me think of a mom who never married the father of her child(ren). I think divorced mom or divorced dad is more accurate for divorced parents.
If I had waited until my older child was nearly grown to get into another relationship, she would have been15 and I would have been 45.
I married my "new" husband almost 2 years ago. This is his first marriage and my (our) daughters are his first children. We dated for 2 years before I introduced him to my daughters. There is no way I could have or wanted to continue a Saturday-night-only-when-my-kids-spent-the-night-with-my-parents relationship with this wonderful man. My now 9 year old has more conscious memories of him than she does of her father and my now 11 year old has more good memories of him than of her father. My late-husband spent 2 years fighting cancer and was understandably less than pleasant during that time, but he could be a bit of a jerk before he got sick.
Widowed/divorced/single parents plus dating does not always equal happiness for the children or the parent(s) but in my case it worked out great. My daughters refer to my late-husband as their father and my "now" husband as their dad. We all get a chuckle when people remark that the girls look mostly like me, but resemble their Dad, too, and we don't correct them.

ame s 4-08-2009 @ 8:29PM

Doh, my math is off, I think. I was widowed in 2003, met new husband in 2004, introduced him to my kids in 2006, married him in 2007. Mommy brain, I just love it ;)

nia 4-11-2009 @ 8:41PM

How to Be The Woman That Men Really Desire

Simon 4-14-2009 @ 2:57PM

Ame S: great post.
Coming from a once 'single dad' who didn't have full custody of the kids it was good to date and let people know early that I had a child. She was 3 when we got divorced, and now loves her new mom (I am remarried).
My point, from the dad's perspective, is that having kids in your dating life, and not hiding the fact means that you can weed out the pretenders. I'm a dad first. That wouldn't change even if I was still married to her mom. It's like I tell my wife now....you can have JOINT #1 priorities in your life all the time (kids AND partner) but you can never have kids NOT in the #1 slot.

Maurice 4-15-2009 @ 9:56AM

I'm happy to see good comments and suggestions on how to work around the situation of having kids and dating. I'm a FT dad my son is almost 4 and i've always been the bigger parent in his life since he was born which led to me having him fulltime for over a year now. I at times feel like i play both roles the Mom and Dad as with the twist of things i'm the one complaining to his Mom to step up . The problem i see with dating is that i find alot of women no matter the age get scared when they hear of a single successful full-time man that has his head on straight. We are around rare but we are still there to even add to it i'm a black man lol alot of you might laugh but it is true in my background there aren't alot of men that do what i do in my culture. Over the past year every date or attempt at cultivating a good friendship/relationship has ended with "i can't handle the fact that you have a child" and my last attempt lasted 2 months and i got that same response over a text msg. My point for babbling on is that you cant always predict whats gonna happen with dating but be true to yourself the right one will come along that will appreciate you and the ones closest to you. Single Ladies with no kids my word to you is keep and open mind if your interested in the guy think on why you are interested in him if he makes you happy think on how good and strong he is to handle the situation hes in it tells alot about him. Single Moms the same applies we Dads know what its like but not all of us Men are the same some of us do actually want to settle down and we dont have to have kids to want to we could just really want to settle down with you and continue something wonderful that you have already started.

todd 4-20-2009 @ 1:55PM

haveing read some of the previous comments i am somewhat confused. i am a single father via divorce. i chose to be a good stewart over my 7 and 14 year old boys. they live with me around 360 of 365 days a year at this time.i suppose i could feel sorry for myself beacause my desires by human nature are not being fulfilled with a personal relationship with another person. first of all, i assumed the responsibility of being a parent the day the children were conceived. second there is no replacement for mommy.
and you guys and gals are probably going to hate this one,
my first relationship is with god and to teach those boys the good morals i learn from HIM. my life is not about what i want but what it is i am supposed to do, and to fulfill the needs of the children i am responsible for, my relationship with the lord is comforting, my needs are ALWAYS met and wants kind of just fade. i can date all i want as soon as the last boy is out the door and on his own, till then theres no room for selfishness for me.i would welcome controversy toward my comments. good luck to all, i certainly hope you find what your looking for!

Bruce Sallan 4-21-2009 @ 8:41PM

Sandy;

We should debate directly sometime! It's a difficult situation for either dad or mom. In my case, I had my kids 100% of the time so it made it even more complicated. Anyway, I was fascinated to come across your article after my blog appeared on momlogic, where I've become a regular contributor. You might read the one that is simply titled "Just A Guy" as it, too, may spring some controversy or disagreement by you? Let me know!

Bruce Sallan

Sara 6-08-2009 @ 5:36AM

I am a single mom of three kids dating a single dad of four kids. We have been dating for a little over a year. The ages of the kids are (mine) 6, 9, and 11 and (his) 11, 13, 15, and 16. It has seemed to come together without hardly any problems. All the kids get along good together. It is amazing how strong and unique all the personalities are between us but the kids somehow pair off and accept each other without ever getting mad or unhappy. Granted it is very loud and chaotic at times, but it amazing how easy it is for me and my boyfriend to sneak off and be on our own. We also have to take separate vehicles if all the kids opt to come with us camping or hiking. :) I think it very important that him and I have similar parenting ideas. I also think it very important that all the kids see how a relationship between two adults can be so positive and loving when history has shown them only bad relationships and divorces. I still can't believe it sometimes that it doesn't take much effort to be in a relationship like this but I realize that my kids and I are very fortunate to have met such a great family to share our time with.

Gary I. 6-13-2009 @ 7:46AM

have a few phone dates or cam before going out !
I think the kids should be brought into the picture asap even on the first date .. make it happen at a mcdonalds even ..
what could be really a hidden problem is a child with issues can be real nerve wracking for the wrong person, not everyone will think its cute when a child does some off the wall stuff like making high pitched sounds on a regular basis
that can cause stress in the relationship !!
Gary