Crazy Screaming at a Child - How Bad?

by Sabrina Weill (Subscribe to Sabrina Weill's posts) Apr 9th 2009 10:00AM

Categories: Toddlers, Preschoolers, Development

My friend, R. called me this morning, upset, with a classic "how bad" question. Here's what happened: Out in the yard, her 3-year-old threw a stick. At her face. And it connected...with her nose. "Ow!" she said, tears coming to her eyes (nose pain, as you may well know, can be severe). "Damn it! That really hurt!" She could feel her nose swelling up and getting all red and hot. "Why did you do that!?" Her baby's answer: "I wanted you to get out my way faster." (Ow again!)

"Listen to me," she screamed, aware her volume was getting really high, "You're going to have to play with Daddy for the rest of the afternoon, because Mommy IS REALLY ANGRY NOW." And now, of course, she feels terrible about the screaming. And the swearing.

Who among us hasn't gotten so frustrated we're moved to a crazy screaming fit? Almost every mama I know has a similar story. Just how damaging is totally-bananas screaming and honestly, how can we make ourselves stop? I called my friend Rosanne Tobey, L.P.C., Director of Calm and Sense Therapy, to find out..."The swearing is not good but otherwise this doesn't sound so bad," says Tobey. Well, I said, I got the feeling from our talk that R. really was screaming, and most moms I know have screamed at their kids in a maniacal way (no one is proud of this but let's be honest, it happens). How bad is it?

"First of all, he's three and won't remember this. It's not in any way an excuse for pad parenting, but just an explanation why this will last longer in her mind than in his. I'm going to rate this lower on the 'How Bad' scale because she got whacked in the face with a stick, and in that situation, most moms would yell the way that she did. I mean, us moms are also human."

And Tobey actually had some praise for R. (see R.? Not so bad, right?): "I actually think it's good that this mom said 'You have to play with Daddy now.' She was at a breaking point and saw that she was not going to be able to handle her child to the best of her abilities, so she basically said to Daddy: 'It's your turn.' Brilliant. That's one of the best benefits of the two-parent home. Then she can go put ice on her nose and calm down."

But won't the child feel really bad about being screamed at? "The child probably felt pretty bad about it. But it's not just what you do in the moment, it's what you follow up with." Um, hmm. Go on...

Here is Tobey's four-step-recovery plan for when you've lost your marbles all over your kids:

Apologize. Think of the wonderful skills you're modeling when you do this. Children tend to be very forgiving.

Take care of the child's feelings. "Acknowledge and validate the child's feelings," says Tobey. "What's important is that the child doesn't feel cursed out and standing on their own and wondering, what just happened? He probably did not realize how much the stick would hurt or how upset Mommy would get."

Explain your feelings. But don't be defensive, just be matter of fact, "Mommy was very upset, and that stick really hurt my nose very much."

Teach them what's correct for next time. "People think that the idea is to extinguish bad behavior but it's really to teach them the right way." Show him how to ask people to move. This won't be a one-time deal but you're helping him choose how he acts next time.

So, answer the question: How bad is it to scream like a maniac at your own child? "I'm going to be lighter on her because she was hurt and it sounds like this isn't how she usually is. I mean, if we can't be human and be mothers at the same time, how can we expect to succeed at this?"

Have you made a parenting blunder and want to know: How Bad? Send it to PrincessLvsPink@Gmail.com and you might find out. Or comment below with your own Crazy Screaming story...

Sabrina Weill is editor-in-chief of PrincessLovesPink.com

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Comments (12)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

ninainindia 4-09-2009 @ 11:05AM

I'm sorry but telling the child to go play with daddy? He should have been punished, no playing at all sounds appropriate. He threw a stick at her face on purpose and also gave a rude response to his mother.

Alison 4-09-2009 @ 6:12PM

I totally agree with you! I'm a Behavioral Specialist working with children from birth to 12 and you can't even imagine the things that I hear and see! This situation, unfortunately is why many children are so out of control! No discipline!
Alison
www.wealthyone.ws

Rachel 4-09-2009 @ 11:11AM

If my child threw a stick at my face, I would NOT be apologizing, and that child would most likely get a spanking at the very least.

Mary Sullivan 4-09-2009 @ 11:11AM

I see nothing wrong with R's response--she's a human being and got hurt. If she did this all the time, habitually, that would be a different story.

I think it would be weird if kids *never* saw us angry. I like that R. specifically admitted she was angry, in the moment, and directed her kid to dad. Also think apologizing later is a good idea--but it doesn't need to be excessive. Kids are smart; they know when they've crossed the line. Her child may have been a bit stunned by the yelling, but I'm pretty sure he or she understood the reason for it.

regards,
Mary
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Mary Sullivan 4-09-2009 @ 11:17AM

p.s. apology should be later...like at bedtime...but "in the moment," if that child didn't get a timeout, I think *I'll* scream!

Jennifer 4-09-2009 @ 4:36PM

The consequence that the "expert" approves of is that the child has to play with Daddy? This explains some of the almost sociopathic behavior I see in my first grade classroom.
I am a teacher who was a SAHM up to the time my kids were in high school. Okay, I never had to scream (or hit), and my kids never tried to make me move faster by throwing things at me. They were respectful and loving, even the high energy one. I count my blessings that a low key and reasonable tone prevailed in my home.
That mother is entitled to yell about being hurt and how we don't hurt people. And then, instead of Daddy rewarding the kid with playtime while Mommy deals with the ice alone and uncared for, Daddy should have stepped right up and reinforced that throwing the stick was terrible, and HE should have made sure the kid got an icepack for Mommy even if he had to get it from the freezer to hand to the kid, and he should have made sure the kid took care of Mommy.
No time outs or forced apologies, and certainly no playtime. Practicing caring and making amends. That's what I would have recommended. That is how to foster compassion in children.

Melissa 4-09-2009 @ 1:10PM

Thank you! My child has gotten unruly, and pushed me to yelling at her. One time she got my mouth really good (it was bleeding), and my mom was there and took her to get me an ice pack and a wet towel. She was not told to go play with grandma because I was angry, but she WAS told that I was very angry with her. A little while later, she told me she was sorry she hit me, and I told her "ok, I accept your apology, and I am sorry that I yelled, but you need to understand that hitting people does hurt and you cannot do it just because you didn't get your way." And she knows when she has done something wrong now, and she is a lot better than she was 6 months ago. You just have to reinforce it to them, ya know?

Ms.Monica 4-09-2009 @ 2:46PM

Every mother is entitled to loose her top once in a while. Especially after and incident like that. Its not like she yells at her day in and day out. Mothers aren't perfect. I agree that discipline was in order. I would have let her know that we can't play at all when you deliberately hurt someone. And let her know that I won't play with her anymore till she learns how to play properly. From the reaction the child will learn what happens when you cross the line and hurt someone. You treat someone badly they will yell at you and get upset. If you don't want to be yelled at then don't throw sticks at people. Let her know that no one will want to be your friend or play with you if you are being a bully. And then of course follow that by teaching her the proper way to get some one to move out of your way. Please and Thank You's.

Sabrina 4-09-2009 @ 4:28PM

Well, similar thing happened at my house a month or so ago. DS (almost 3) headbutted my nose so hard I thought it was going to bleed. I got little floaties in my vision, and I couldn't help but cry. He went to do it again (he was running full tilt at me and jumping onto me while I was trying to get ready to read DD a story), and I yelled. And I told him to GO get IN his bed and STAY THERE until I finish what I am doing! NOW!! He was so surprised that I yelled that he did just that!

It happens, mom's yell, dad's yell, and I'm betting if little "johnny" hit sweet loving spoil-the-grandkids Grandma with a stick, she'd even yell! No one's perfect. Not showing your child natural emotions is much worse than yelling over something like that.

LS 4-09-2009 @ 7:44PM

"But won't the child feel really bad about being screamed at?"

God willing, YES, the child will feel REALLY BAD. She did something bad. She should bear the consequences. Perhaps if more kids got yelled at and felt bad about their poor behavior, we wouldn't have so many kids running their parents ragged.

Sorry, the therapist was WAY off on this one. I agree with the above parents who said that the little girl should have been made to aid and assist Mommy until SHE felt better. And lose some playtime.

steff hartman 4-14-2009 @ 12:19PM

I am in agreement....and just finished a course on "What to do about kids biting" for continuing ed.(I am a teacher in a child-care center.) The perpetrator should definitely help the injured. Yelling due to the injury is understandable, but trying your best to collect your thoughts before you speak and then act is probably best. It seems like this was not an intentional thing, so punishment may not be the answer. But helping the injured is...and trying to help the child understand how he/she would feel if it happened to him/her is worth your time. Hopefully children will grow up with some compassion and sensitivity when it is shown to them. As parents we must keep trying our best....all we can do!!!!