The Only Child Myth

I have one brother. My mom was the youngest of 8 kids; my dad the middle child of 3. I always wanted at least one more sibling. Family holidays at my maternal grandparents' house were so much fun! Yes, they were definitely chaotic, but I thrived on the energy of so many people. I have almost 50 first cousins, and there was always someone to play with. We organized big group games in the front yard- those are some of my fondest childhood memories.

I was blessed right away with my first pregnancy- I have three year old twins, a boy and a girl. Can you be any luckier? (And no, I did not use fertility drugs). I love having twins. It was really hard in the beginning, and I didn't have a lot of help. But I wouldn't change things for the world. They always have someone to play with, and a support system. Because they're opposite-gender twins, they probably won't be as close as same-genders eventually, but they will always have each other, and for that, I'm grateful.

With that being said, I don't consider anything wrong with a family's decision to only have one child- it's just not for me :) ... I plan on having one to two more children. A lot of people argue that I already have one of each gender- why would I even want more? The answer is simple: I love having kids, and I want more. I want a larger family- and I really don't believe that a total of 4 children is socially irresponsible. Being a parent has been the most terrifying, yet joy inducing, rewarding part of my life.

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I get it all the time. I had a group of friends tell me that my child would grow up to be selfish and spoiled if I didn't have another child. He is 2 1/2. Not that I don't want another child but how dare you prejudge want you think my child is going to turn out to be. I have an older brother and he is the most selfish person I know and he has a sibling. LOL. My son has always been a sweetheart. He is learning how to share. He is very affectionate. And whether we have another child or not he will grow up to be taught that the world does not revolve around him. A child has to be taught these things and even if they aren't depending on a child's personality it doesn't mean that is what they will turn out to be.

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My husband and I have two children (both girls) and I opted to have my tubes tied after our second one was born, for a variety of reasons having to do with finances, the environment, and not wanting to go through another pregnancy (the second was rougher than the first). While most of our family and friends have agreed we made the right choice by my getting "spayed," there are still the occasional naysayers who ask us what we're going to do if we change our minds down the road, say we're "violating God's plan" by getting fixed (these are usually the same people who say birth control in general is a sin), or think we're nuts by doing something that drastic, among other comments.

I see nothing wrong with parents opting to have only one or two children-in fact, I think it's a good thing. I wouldn't mind seeing TLC or channels like that focusing on families with one, two, or even three children instead of glorifying families like the Duggars who leave it up to their God to decide how big their family will be. To me, shows like "18 Kids And Counting" and "Kids By The Dozen" seem to glorify uncontrolled breeding, and in this day and age with environmental concerns and seeing the effect of over six billion people on this planet, that's not a good thing! (Note I didn't include "Jon & Kate Plus 8" and "Table For 12" in that; that's because they got their large numbers of children as a result of infertility treatments, not a cavalier attitude towards birth control!)

MsMonica, I agree-the number of children in a family has nothing to do with how selfish or spoiled they can turn out to be-it has everything to do with the attitude they're raised with. If they're taught that the world revolves around them and their parents will bail them out when they get into trouble, of course they're going to turn out to be selfish little twits when they grow up who have no idea how to take care of themselves! If, however, children are taught that they're part of something larger than themselves and that they are capable of contributing to the family and the world around them, they'll turn out a lot better for it in the end!

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Sandyone, not every family has a lot of money to do cool stuff, even if they are a one- or two-child family. In fact, one thing that annoyed me about the news features lately has been when they talk about how to cut back on spending during a recession, they focus on white-collar families who are having to quit buying lattes or eating out all the time. They don't focus on or give advice to the working-class families that were already scraping and scrounging to get by before the recession hit, and those are the ones the world needs to hear about too! It would make a neat show that depicts how thrifty families can be and still have a good time, or at least not break their budget on daily living! I think there's a lot of potential there.

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Ok, so I'm an only child and I don't think I'm a brat. I am fully capable of sharing and I'm actually shy, I don't shriek for attention. And I think the higher intelligence is because the parents push their kids too hard, or that is what i have found. I think that in reality people whose parents have to work all of the time and compensate their lack of involvement in their childs life with gifts and money turn into the stereotypical "only child". I'm not condeming all parents who work overtime, just the ones taht don't find teh time to keep a bond with their child. But then again, I'm barely an adult, so I really shouldn't judge.

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We have one child and since I was 45 when I got pregnant with her and was almost 46 when she was born we opted not to try again. She is a gift from God! We are trying our best not to spoil her and are making sure she is socialized with other children so she learns to share and cooperate in play. As I am a preschool teacher by trade I naturally feed her little brain with useful information throughout our day and make a conscious effort to stimulate her mind. We are aware of the "issues" of being an only child and are trying our best to avoid the "spoiled rotten" syndrome. We do have 2 relatives who are only children and have turned out quite nicely- both are very intelligent and very pleasant to be around. Only children don't have to turn out as "brats".

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Family size is a personal choice and people should not be criticized for the number of children they choose to have as long as they are being responsible parents. I completely disagree with the only child syndrome. A child's personality does not depend on family size. There are a combination of factors that contribute to what kind of person a child will grow up to be including genetics, character and environment/upbringing. I am the mother an only child and she is the most considerate little person I have ever met. At 3 1/2, she is very independent and at the same time she relates very well to other children. She is often the one "teaching" others to share and take turns. Making sure that your child is well provided for is not spoiling him/her as long as you create a balance and teach them to appreciate what they have and not take anything for granted. Even at 3yrs old, my daughter is always setting aside old toys and clothes that she wants to share with younger relatives and those who are less fortunate. I make a conscious effort to involve my child in meaningful activities and not just shower her with attention and gifts. Regardless of how many children you have, it is your primary responsibility as a parent to help shape them and encourage healthy personality development.

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I am an only child at 25, and I don't feel that I am spoiled in any way. I have a lot of cousins around me and never lacked any friends. People to me all that I am spoiled but I tell them that I am well loved, I get what I need not always what I want. I have a 7 year old daughter and I personally don't plan on having any more and she also has a lot of cousins. They are more like siblings than cousins. I have no problems sharing, but I will say that at time I have been told that I whine when I don't get my way. But when I do whine around my mom she threatens to go have another baby, she is only 44.

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Having children is not a choice. Not everyone is able to have children of their own. For those of us with infertilitiy issues, having one child is sometimes a true miracle.

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Some random thoughts on a subject I think about a lot....

I'm 42 and the childless only child of two only children; my parents were married for almost fifty years, and died, exactly six months apart, a few years ago .

It's a unique circumstance, to be sure, but my family never seemed all that unusual to me. We were a bit insular, certainly, but I'm tremendously grateful for the way I grew up; my experience as an only child, colored by my parents' experiences of onlyhood, was about being independent and authentic and intimate, about choosing relationships freely and valuing individuality. Because they were both onlies, and reasonably successful, reasonably happy people, I don't think my mom and dad were much influenced by societal pressure to have a larger family, and we joked a lot about the stereotypes of only children.

I will say that I've never quite gotten the hang of kids; I wasn't especially good at being one, and I had a tough time socially until I was close to adolescence. I think that's mostly why I chose not to have kids of my own - since I don't have aunts or uncles or cousins, either, I wasn't ever really exposed to the experience of children. It's interesting to me,too, that many, many, many of my closest friends have also been only children - in some way, I think, only kids make sense to each other in ways the multi-sibbed don't, and I don't know any adult onlies who are resentful of their status.

Losing my parents might have been a bit tougher for me than it is for people with larger extended families -- I literally have no living relatives -- but I'd argue that the internal resources I gained as an only kid are what made that loss manageable.

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I am an only child, I was not spoiled compaired to my peers. I may have been spoiled if one considered my family income and how people with multiple children with the same income. I went to camp for 14 years and Israel for 2 monthes when I was 16. However, many of the people at these places with me had siblings. I was considered the poor kid! I am not a brat. My dad doesn't pay for school for me, I am taking out multiple loans.
I don't like sharing tho :-D

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Ultimately, how a children are raised is much more important that the number of children in a family. However, I do see only children as being doted on more. However, 'only girls' and 'only boys' seem to be doted on somewhat as well. The truth is: Only children do NOT have to wait their turn, share everything or deal with the rivalry and ruthlessness (ha) of a sibling. Those lessons in my opinion are more important than 'the intelligence' factor of only children. Intelligence only gets you so far. In the workplace, you gotta learn to compromise, get along, fight for what you feel strongly for and will not be the center of anyone's attention. Very important lessons you get from having siblings. An only child can spend time with cousins and such, which will help. The sharing thing can be a big problem. Only children sometimes live in 'perfect little worlds'. Just like parents of several children have to be careful to spend time with each child, parents of an only child need to be aware of the traps they may fall in to.

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I'm a 48 year old "only" and I can tell you that, just like every thing else in the world, it is a extreme generalization to say that, 1) we're spoiled brats; and 2) we missed out on something in life with no siblings. I was given/provided with things other kids with siblings may not have had, yes, but I was also taught sharing, honor and compassion with those things and those kids who did not have them. Spoiled does not automatically equal brat! And secondly, being around more adult "friends" than childish ones, I matured earlier, learned manners, respect, and how to act in public, which is more than I can say for much of the curtain climbers I run into in the public world these days! I didn't miss a thing.

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I was into my 30's before giving birth to an "only". I wanted more--- it just never happened. I grew up with 3 sibs and believe nothing's better then having someone else who can verfiy all the craziness that goes on in a home full of children! The memories are priceless as we sit around and play the "remember when" game. I've always felt that my child was missing out on that experience. Is she bossy---yes; no one can walk all over her, is she bratty---yes; she dislikes anyone taking up mom/dad time from her, however, my child's compassionate, friendly and altruistic by nature. She has many friends and is outgoing and the fact that she has a 3 point average in school keeps me focused on giving her all that she needs to be successful. However, truth be told, I'm kinda sad that I don't get to have a "favorite" child---yes, that's right---I said it! I would have played that card for better or worst...laughing!

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